Hurting me, hurting others

[loveisanaction]

You think the folks on here are posting their advice to you because they're bored?

 

Many of them are on here because they have been in your exact same situation and they already know firsthand how this is going to end.

 

You said it yourself that your married man will never leave his wife for you. So, you understand very clearly that he’s with you mainly for sex....no confusion there.

 

Both you and your affair partner are in love with the same person.....him.

He doesn’t even have to love you, you are loving yourself for the both of you.

 

The sad part in all of this is that you married. Your poor husband….What on earth did that man do to deserve this?

 

If you have any good left in you you will divorce your husband, letting him go is the most loving act that you can do for him.

 

Staying married to him is just plain wicked.

Edited May 1, 2016 by loveisanaction

[Messy Lady]

This is so unhealthy and you're asking for more.

 

 

I know its unhealthy. He is still doing the thing where he questions me so I open up and say what I want or how much I like him yet he avoids answering in return. He playfully teases me and whilst that may be fun at times, it then frustrates me because I can see how much I give and how little I get in return. But I let him get away with it because he also obviously trusts me and confides in me so he is making me feel special in other ways.

 

 

I have read that player post again and I can see elements of him in the description. But I don't see why he has to act that way as I am not after some big love affair. There is no talk of "feelings" in the sense of being in love or falling in love though there is joking talk of loving each other (yes, he has said that he loves me but it was said as a friend just as I have said it to him). I am not in love with him. I am, I'm sad to say, infatuated with him.

[Messy Lady]

He realized your weekend "work" contact was really your neediness and expectation he pay attention to you.

This is HIS WIFE'S time.

He's literally telling you that.

He takes her out, works around the house and yard with her, they bond and have sex...

You are the 9-5 stand in to fawn over him and make him feel like the man at work. Thats your role.

He's not dumb that your work content emails are only for his time.

If he cared at all he would use the same excuse "work" and be giddy that you are emailing.

He has no respect for you and is annoyed.

Read your thread again now from the beginning though I imagine it wont help as you never post here during the week...thats when your all placated and lost in affairyland.

Its when your off and miserable withouthis valudation.

The 'pain' your in...dont worry...plenty more where that came from, you just wait. You chose to ignore sound advice...this is what you signed up for.

 

 

Actually he often initiates the email contact outside of work - if anything more so than me. At times when I email about work he then takes it to chat. Last week I asked him if he could do a favour for me which he agreed to. I said no rush - I didn't need him to do anything over the weekend yet he did do it for me today and emailed me when I did not expect to hear from him. This is not all one sided.

[ChickiePops]

There's this thing..it's called saying no. You should try it sometime!

 

Everyone gets crushes. Not everyone acts on them. It is well within your power to say no to this @ss goblin who is, frankly, probably pulling the same nonsense with every other willing chick at your office.

 

Why are you so blasé about stabbing your husband and kids (if you have any) in the back and ruining your career for the sake of a silly crush?

[whichwayisup]

I know its unhealthy. He is still doing the thing where he questions me so I open up and say what I want or how much I like him yet he avoids answering in return. He playfully teases me and whilst that may be fun at times, it then frustrates me because I can see how much I give and how little I get in return. But I let him get away with it because he also obviously trusts me and confides in me so he is making me feel special in other ways.

 

 

I have read that player post again and I can see elements of him in the description. But I don't see why he has to act that way as I am not after some big love affair. There is no talk of "feelings" in the sense of being in love or falling in love though there is joking talk of loving each other (yes, he has said that he loves me but it was said as a friend just as I have said it to him). I am not in love with him. I am, I'm sad to say, infatuated with him.

 

How does he make you feel special? And what does he confide in you about, enough to make you feel needed?

 

If you do end it and in time, let's say 6 months to a year, you'll look back and shudder, see just how warped your thinking was back then. Right now you are aware of it but so caught up in the lust and infatuation you can't see what everybody else is seeing. What's sadder is, this isn't about even love. Infatuation and putting someone on a pedestal *even though you see his flaws and are affected by them* it's not enough to make you end it.

 

It'll end when your H finds out, your A goes public and you're shamed. Then dealing with his wife and that fallout will be horrendous! Go and read this thread from beginning to end...

[whichwayisup]

Actually he often initiates the email contact outside of work - if anything more so than me. At times when I email about work he then takes it to chat. Last week I asked him if he could do a favour for me which he agreed to. I said no rush - I didn't need him to do anything over the weekend yet he did do it for me today and emailed me when I did not expect to hear from him. This is not all one sided.

 

No it isn't, but you're invested - HE ISN'T. Your emotions are involved, HIS isn't. That is why he affects you so deeply and he know how to manipulate you and get the react he wants from you.

[lemondrop21]

I think that OP is still so caught up in the back and forth of the A that trying to talk her out of it is more or less pointless.

 

OP, the good news for you is that you say you aren't in love with him but are simply infatuated. Infatuations pass. Always. Your brain can't sustain that kind of chemical activity in the long run. So you can look forward to that day when you will most certainly "wake up." In the meantime I suppose it's a matter of channeling as much of your energy as possible towards your own marriage and family. How do you feel you are doing in that realm?

[ShatteredLady]

Messy Lady. "I am not after some big love affair."

 

I have tremendous sympathy for women who have made mistakes or fallen into bad situations & become desperately in love with the MM in their life.

 

Some people exist in horrible marriages & for one reason or another need a soft place to land & are having true exit affairs. It's cruel & horrible timing but I 'get it'.

 

I know the excruitiating agony that affairs inflict upon completely innocent people. My beloved (only sibling) brother took his own life following his W's adultery, gaslighting, trickle truth, abuse.

 

He was a kind gentle loving family man. My Mum cradled his lifeless body until the police & ambulance workers removed him from the house. My parents are forever broken. His children's lives are a heart wrenching mess.

 

His W, my SIL never had any intention of leaving. "What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him!", right? I can show you the grave marker if you need proof of how true that kind of statement is. She was "infatuated" with a man she never really knew. She had "Fun & Games". Was it worth it?

 

I'm an only child now. I miss him every day. He was a truly lovely man. I wish his children still had their Daddy in their lives. I wonder if they will ever understand their mothers "infatuation". She's, understandably, a hardly recognizable wreck of the woman she once was.

 

It breaks my heart when I read the excuses people make in their minds never considering the absolute emotional carnage that's waiting in the wings. You & your AP aren't going for 'happily ever after'. You're not deeply in love. Your H & his W aren't evil or abusive people you're trying to escape.

 

Why are YOU doing this?

 

What they don't know doesn't hurt them I guess. Infatuation is a fun fantasy. Enjoy!

Edited May 1, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Seafowl]

Hello. I have read through your thread and I've been through something similar. You say it's not about looking for love and it's only attraction and you want to stay with your husband etc etc. But your words speak differently.

 

If i had to guess, your boss is more attractive or more successful or more powerful or more charismatic than your think your husband is. People find him more impressive than they would your husband. The boss is a "bigger catch". That's why it's so flattering that he is showing attraction--you thought someone like that is out of your league! You feel powerful that such a "catch" is attracted to you. And if your boss would maybe someday be interested enough to pursue going all the way, you could see yourself easily leaving for marriage for it. It would be worth all the mess. You don't love him...but you see yourself eventually feeling it whether you admit it or not.

 

However, since you're aware that your boss is a wildcard, you don't really want to jeopardize or write off your marriage quite yet, because then you would be alone. So I do believe you that you don't want your marriage to fall apart. You want your husband in case this doesn't work out.

 

If you don't believe me, ask yourself whether you would risk all of this for, say, a pizza delivery guy with no higher aspirations if he was just as physically attractive. I'd guess not.

 

Please understand your husband deserves to be more than the safety net while you test the waters at landing a "better catch".

[Messy Lady]

I'll do my best to respond to everything.

 

I don't understand why I am not saying No to him either. I can see how I am being drawn in more and more and I can see how he is playing me at times yet I don't stop it. I know he is not behaving like this with anybody else at work. I also know that I am not blasé about how this could hurt my husband and others.

 

What does he confide in me about? Apart from some highly sensitive work stuff which I absolutely know he does not share with anyone else, he has told me about some highly personal matters (past and present) which have been very difficult for him and also not the kind of thing you would usually share with others.

 

Yes, I know I am the one who is emotionally invested in this and he isn't. I worry about how I have let myself become involved and how much more invested I could get. I worry about the mess that could create when it all ends and how I would handle that.

 

I am actually trying to make more quality time with my husband. More time for us to enjoy being together and to strengthen our relationship.

 

Shattered Lady - I am so sorry for you and your family. Your post is the one that brings reality crashing down. I will re-read your post and give it the proper thought and consideration it deserves.

 

Seafowl - your post has also got me wondering. He is in some ways a catch but in other ways, he is definitely not a catch. In some ways, to those who don't know either of them, he is possibly more impressive than my husband. But I also know that my husband is an amazing man with strength and dignity, with values I respect and a gentleness that he shows in how he cares for me and for others.

 

Would I be attracted if he was a pizza delivery guy? Probably not but that is about where I am in my life, what I want from a partner, my aspirations. It is too extreme a difference in career to me even. Would I be attracted if he was not my boss but my peer? Yes. If he was junior to me? Yes, depending on how junior.

[TaraMaiden2]

.....I don't see why he has to act that way as I am not after some big love affair.

Because he can. he has you exactly where he wants you.

And you've put yourself there, 100%, willingly.

You're not as much of a victim here as it seems.

You've played into this, with headlights full on, and you are getting a whole lot out of this.

What's the payoff?

 

 

..... Would I be attracted if he was not my boss but my peer? Yes. If he was junior to me? Yes, depending on how junior.

Oh so there's a 'status symbol' aspect to this, is there?

If the Junior was acting as you're acting, do you think you'd find that an attractive trait? Whatever their level?

[Messy Lady]

I know I'm not a victim. I have said that more than once in this thread. That is why I don't understand why he has to play me.

 

The status issue is because I am in a senior role and even if I was single, I doubt I would be interested in someone who is in a very junior role due to issues of compatibility - understanding of careers, aspirations, ambitions, sharing work problems, etc.

[TaraMaiden2]

I know I'm not a victim. I have said that more than once in this thread. That is why I don't understand why he has to play me.

I answered this. Because he can, because you permit him to do so.

And you didn't answer my question:

You're getting a whole lot out of this - What is your payoff?

 

 

The status issue is because I am in a senior role and even if I was single, I doubt I would be interested in someone who is in a very junior role due to issues of compatibility - understanding of careers, aspirations, ambitions, sharing work problems, etc.

like I said. It's a status thing.

 

And you didn't answer my question.

 

How would you react if your junior was behaving in the way you are behaving?

 

For my part, respect would fly out of the window, for a start....

[elaine567]

I know I'm not a victim. I have said that more than once in this thread. That is why I don't understand why he has to play me.

 

 

Because your "status" has taken a huge hit, from a respectable married woman in a senior role, to the position of OW, mistress, someone else's wayward wife, a cheater, a sex object, a bit of "fun".

He plays you because he doesn't respect you, I know it is highly hypocritical of him to think that way, but it is how it usually works.

You merely provide a service for him, you say yourself you are not after some big love affair, so why then does he need to take you seriously?

You are a cheating wife having a fling behind her husband's back and he is taking advantage of that opportunity.

 

You have put yourself into the role of service provider here, so he takes you or leaves you. He decides if you get to contact him at the week end, he decides if he speaks to you at work, he "decides", and you dance to his tune.

 

If Seafowl is correct and you do have designs on him as a husband replacement material, then you may have to alter the dynamic here.

[Messy Lady]

I answered this. Because he can, because you permit him to do so.

And you didn't answer my question:

You're getting a whole lot out of this - What is your payoff?

 

 

 

like I said. It's a status thing.

 

And you didn't answer my question.

 

How would you react if your junior was behaving in the way you are behaving?

 

For my part, respect would fly out of the window, for a start....

 

 

No. It's not a status thing at all. As I said, it's a compatibility thing. It's about having something in common.

[Messy Lady]

If Seafowl is correct and you do have designs on him as a husband replacement material, then you may have to alter the dynamic here.

 

Whilst Seafowl's post has got me thinking, I have no designs on him as a husband. This part is not correct.

[TaraMaiden2]

Oh, ok, right...

 

I can't really make out from your initial post whether you actually want to stay in this situation, or get out of it...

What is it you want exactly?

 

Do you even really know....?

 

And that's not poking or sarcasm.

I'm genuinely asking.

What is it you actually want, in all of this?

[ChickiePops]

There is absolutely no possible way you can know what he's doing with or telling anyone else unless you have access to his phone and emails. I'm sure your husband would say the same thing about you if someone asked him.

 

It's obvious that nothing anyone says is going to change anything, you are determined to follow this path to hell for no good reason and you take no responsibility for it. Phrases like 'I'm being drawn in' are justification for blaming him instead of acknowledging that YOU are doing this.

 

He is not drawing you in, you are willingly risking your life, your families lives, his family's lives, and your career for a little bit of fleeting attention and a few orgasms. You could very, very easily stop this.

[Can't let go]

I just joined this site yesterday and have been reading a lot of posts. I was only 10 months into an A. And we are only 3 days into NC. We both are married. I don't know if what I have to say is helpful but before we went NC, I was seriously thinking of breaking things off. The guilt was really setting in. Right before we went NC, we were supposed to be spending the night together. We were actually in the room already. He found out his wife's relatives were staying at the same hotel. I said this is crazy, I need to go home and I left. He didn't want me to leave. I was sad but thought this is a sign. Well, we were talking my whole way home. 2 hours away. Came to the point where he said we need to take a step back. Stop saying I love you to each other and cut down on our contact. As soon as it became his idea, I was devastated and didn't want to break things off anymore. I'm telling you all this for 2 reasons.

1. I think you may want him more now because he's saying he doesn't want a relationship.

2. Try your hardest to break it off now. If you think it hurts now, what happens once you start telling each other you love them? And then he decides to break up.

 

The fact that he said he didn't want to say I love you' anymore, killed me. More than the NC.

 

I wish you luck. Just remember it's a slippery slope.

[Furious]

I know this is stupid and wrong but this is my story. He and I are both married and to make it worse he is my boss. He only joined our company a few months ago and we immediately hit it off. Not only is there tremendous respect for each other in terms or work, our personalities just clicked. The flirting started with chat first but was quickly followed by touching each other - just arm, hand, that kind of thing, but more than you would with any other colleague. Eventually he asked me whether I was being serious with the flirting and I admitted I was. There is something about him that just makes me completely truthful and straight with him. He said he was married, my boss etc but did not say he was not interested either.

 

 

The flirting and contact escalated from that point and a couple of weeks later, we agreed to stay late after a meeting at work when everybody else would have gone. That didn't happen as he was not well plus he again said he is married and also said we mustn't take things further. I didn't see him for a week but as soon as we were back at work together, we were just using every opportunity we could to spend time together. There was another meeting last week. We stayed late. We ended up having sex.

 

 

Next day back at work, he pulls back again - married, work etc. But that didn't last. We had a meeting on Monday and decided to not hold it in the office. Whilst we did work, we could hardly keep our hands off each other and ended up making out in his car later in the day. Tuesday he does the married thing and then Wednesday he is all over me again. Touching me, kissing me, etc and in the office too. Very high risk, I know. This was all initiated by him.

 

 

I didn't see him yesterday and today was spent with a 3rd colleague for 99% of the day. In that 1%, I briefly touched his hand and yet again, it's the married, can't do this etc. The colleague was back before I could say anything. Since then he and I have exchanged some emails and as he says, we know it is right to stop. But that leaves me in a mess.

 

 

I know he is right that we should stop. But he has said that a few times now and each time, he is back for more. He and I have never done anything like this before and I think it has surprised him as much as it has me but I don't know where I am.

 

 

I feel hurt. I feel stupid. I feel used.

 

 

I also feel guilt for my husband and his wife. This is wrong and cruel on them. But I feel so drawn to him. When he looks at me and smiles, I feel as if I cannot resist. Pathetic isn't it.

 

 

 

Choosing to conduct an inappropriate relationship at work is a recipe for consequences that will ruin both your career and that of you boss, and it will also cause damage to your personal lives.

 

Is it worth it?

 

You do seem to pat yourself on the back as to how accomplished and hard working you are in your career, but you're actions dispel your professionalism and it's obvious you are willing to throw it all away for attraction.

 

It's obvious you're not seeing clearly, that the ego rush and the push and pull has blinded you from reality.

 

At this point it's a game, you will try to convince yourself that you can handle it, that you can separate your career and emotions, that you're offering a no strings involvement, that you both can keep your marriages, excel in your careers, and have some cake on the side. It's so evolved and pragmatic in your mind but it's false security that you're reasoning with.

 

The thing with gambling is that it's a risk and exciting. Casino's bet on people who gamble, casino's create the atmosphere and excitement, casino's understand the attraction to risk and rush that they offer. Do not be mistaken that house does not hold the advantage, that the house has the best odds.

 

I hope you seriously take stock in your true value as a professional and the true value you own in your personal life.

Edited May 2, 2016 by Furious

[loveisanaction]

Guys,

 

The OP is so far deep in her affair fog that nothing you say can help her, she's too far gone.

 

The only way that she will wake is up is when her affair partner's wife finds out about the affair, calls the OP's office, and blasts this affair out into the open. When all of her colleagues and superiors find out about it and she is shamed or even fired.

 

Her affair partner's wife will also call the OP's husband who in turn will tell his family and friends (hers too) where there will be more shame and embarrassment .

 

Then the ultimate betrayal will come for her when her affair partner throws her under the bus (as many of them always do) and proceeds to avoid her as if she's the plague.

 

With the no husband, no job, no married man and the loss of respect from her family and friends.

 

It is then and only then will the OP wake from this day dream that she is in.

 

Messy Lady, the good news is, the kind folks on here will be here for you when that day comes and believe me...it will.

Edited May 2, 2016 by loveisanaction

[SomethingToSay]

I am getting a serious submissive cibe here. Like she gets off kn the degrading and cheap nature of how he treats her. She ought to consider exploring sub/dom sex with HER OWN HUSBAND to satisy this urge

 

Other than that, yeah I just feel she's getting off on how dangerous it is, how reckless she is being. And isnt really "getting" there likely will some pretty awful consquences including devastating pain to her spouse and children.

[Forceawakensme]

I havn't posted in a while (been trying to stay busy with non-A related things to move on and heal) but i had to login to post here!

 

Messylady, i have read your thread and have some very specific observations about your MM and his motives.

 

I think this whole fantasy for him is about you chasing him and he supposedly trying to reject you. I think you are merely a character in a role play for him. For this to turn him on and fulfill his fantasy it has to play out exactly like he needs it to, which is why his comments and actions are so crafted.

All of his comments and behavior you describe support this:

"How else do you love me" (is not even subtle! begging for validation after you had slept with him). Giving you nothing in return or saying he wants you back.

Implying you are always trying to tempt him, seduce him. I think this is all part of the turn on for him.. YOU pursuing him.. HIM trying to keep you at arms length .. Ths is how he wants it. Its a huge power trip, ego stroke and all-around fantasy being realized for him. I think the sleeping with you early on was a box he wanted to tick.. to make sure 'he could' .. and now its all about you being infatuated with him and him loving every minute of it. He can now say to himself "i was so good at sex.. she just cant stop thinking about me.. wanting me.. pursuing me, no matter how many times i tell her to stay away.. i cant be resisted!!". --- I believe something like this is going around his head.

 

Also, i think the fact you are successful in your job only added to the whole fantasy. To him, there is nothing sexier than taking an apparently professional woman .. breaking her down to being an obsessed school girl with his sexual prowess and amazing skills as a lover that shes willing to risk it ALL for just one more shot with him.

 

Anyway --- This is just my feeling on the guy. I think you're being majorly played by someone who has played this out before in previous jobs and enjoys reliving this. He is very controlled (for the most part) he knows how to play this push-pull.. ever-so-subtly to leave you salivating and wagging your tail like an excited little puppy. Then he puts the treat back in his pocket.. til next time.

 

I wont give you any of the warnings (you've had some top quality ones here) and i think really its like trying to reason with a gambling addict while they are sitting at the blackjack table, its not gonna happen -- BUT please try to see what im saying here... see if you recognize this objective in his actions. See if you notice him doing JUST enough to make you come running and nothing more. Seriously.. I think hes playing you here, majorly.

Edited May 3, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Messy Lady]

Force

 

I have this horrible feeling that you may be right. It's as if you have seen him and I interact and your theory is also supported by one or two things he has said that I have not posted here. This is all rather unpleasant to be thinking.

[TaraMaiden2]

Force

 

I have this horrible feeling that you may be right. It's as if you have seen him and I interact and your theory is also supported by one or two things he has said that I have not posted here. This is all rather unpleasant to be thinking.

 

Good.

 

Something, at long last, has made you sit up and take notice.

 

This is a positive step toward you shedding the pink spectacles - or whatever pretensions you may believe - and seeing this for what it really is.

Sordid, manipulative, addictive and dangerous.

 

To you.