Hurting me, hurting others

[Messy Lady]

I know what you are saying Jersey but because of the way the business works, he would not be able to get rid if me just like that. However I do need to protect myself. In more ways than one.

[Messy Lady]

You just don't get it.

 

Anything constructive you can say on this or is it just further criticism and judgement?

[TaraMaiden2]

Anything constructive you can say on this or is it just further criticism and judgement?

 

You leave yourself open to attack though.

We can see it plain as day. After reading this thread, and receiving all these comments, I think many are surprised that you still embroil yourself in this quagmire. Voluntarily.

Of your own free will.

I think that's what we don't get that you don't get.

 

This is your choice.

Everything you think, say and do - is down to your choice.

You do everything you do because you choose to do it.

There is ALWAYS an alternative - but you always seem to choose the option that leaves you gasping for breath and struggling for a foothold.

 

On purpose.

[lftbehind]

Anything constructive you can say on this or is it just further criticism and judgement?

 

It's just an observation. You really need to listen and heed the good advice that you've been given. It's for your own good.

[Messy Lady]

But I have said I'm not a victim. That I am where I am because of what I have done. That last long post of mine I was trying to say that some of the stuff said is done in a joking way so maybe not as manipulative on his part as has come across, I.e. He has not manipulated me, I made my own choices of my own free will.

 

I have also said that I want to stop this mess. That's what I want to start working on properly today.

[TaraMaiden2]

"Do, or Do Not. There IS no 'Try'. "

 

"Starting work" on it is insufficient.

 

The very simple remedy is to cut it out, period. Stop.

Refuse to play the game one nanosecond longer.

 

If a surgeon is faced with a gangrenous limb, he's not going to remove it, but by bit.

 

If you have a ditch to leap, you're not going to do it in three little steps.

 

This cannot be implemented as a gradual process, because you risk prolonging the agony.

Some things are best done over time, as a gradual process.

This isn't one of them.

[TaraMaiden2]

But I have said I'm not a victim. That I am where I am because of what I have done. That last long post of mine I was trying to say that some of the stuff said is done in a joking way so maybe not as manipulative on his part as has come across, I.e. He has not manipulated me, I made my own choices of my own free will.

But it has always been thus.

No matter how manipulative he has been, you have complied and agreed to being manipulated.

Everything you have done, is because you chose to do it, manipulation or not.

Manipulation is only successful when others comply.

[whichwayisup]

But I have said I'm not a victim. That I am where I am because of what I have done. That last long post of mine I was trying to say that some of the stuff said is done in a joking way so maybe not as manipulative on his part as has come across, I.e. He has not manipulated me, I made my own choices of my own free will.

 

I have also said that I want to stop this mess. That's what I want to start working on properly today.

 

What's different now vs when you first joined LS and started posting about your affair?

 

Go re read the first few pages of this thread. It's more or less the same stuff you've been saying for a while now and nothing has changed.

 

What are you prepared to do to change things? Are you truly willing to be strong and fight the urge to talk to him and be around him? To suffer some pain and struggle through this? Or will you cave when he pushes for attention..Can you stand up to him or are you afraid if you back off and ignore him (other than dealing with him on a professional level, NO personal talk or flirting anymore) he'll get angry and make life hard for you at work?

[ChickiePops]

As Tara said, there are no preparations you need to make. All it takes to stop cheating is the word NO.

 

And no, you can't laugh about this with him, as that would be a continued inappropriate relationship with a coworker. You need to keep it to work talk only.

 

Truthfully the best thing to do would be to find a new job.

[TaraMaiden2]

This extract is from your first post (April 8th.)

I know he is right that we should stop. But he has said that a few times now and each time, he is back for more. He and I have never done anything like this before and I think it has surprised him as much as it has me but I don't know where I am.

 

And this is from today (May 11th):

I have also said that I want to stop this mess. That's what I want to start working on properly today.

 

Could you please highlight precisely where and at what point during this (so far) 16-page thread, you've actually made any progress towards preventing this from proceeding further?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I can't see this ending unless you address the intimacy issues with you husband, which you mentioned briefly in an earlier post. This affair is making you feel desired and fulfilling a need that isn't being met at home, right?

 

Since you have already put your marriage at risk, why not just tell your husband that the lack of intimacy is tempting you to stray outside of the marriage? Ask him if he is willing to put more effort in that area of you marriage with you. It is worth fighting for your marriage and trying to reconnect.

 

Perhaps there are new an exciting ways you could pleasure each other if intercourse isn't possible? It is certainly worth exploring, not to mention a brilliant way to refocus your sexual energy on the one man who truly deserves it.

 

You and your husband need to come to an understanding in your relationship for you to find peace and feel good about yourself again.

 

Anyway that is where I would advise you to focus your attention. It's up to you.

[privategal]

I feel you are justifying now by playing the martyr, are you just trying to convince people here or?

By saying "I dont love myself much.." "I know Im not the victim, I admit I allowed this, chose this.."

That makes you look worse.

Its really quite crazy making to have watched you seek advice...then turn and run 100 miles in the opposite direction, how COULD there be any empathy for someone to keep stealing but confess "your right, I stole, it was wrong"

I cant feel sorry or empathy or sympathy.

How SILLY and crazy it looks to "have a proper talk...we need this talk about whats going on between us"

No...you know what you are doing, you want the talk to feel close, get the validation, find the loophole to keep it going.

Its just horrendous that you even continue to work there. I cant believe you compliment your credentials like your some wonderful asset when youve gone against everything a true professiinal should do.

Youve stolen time from your company, youve broken hr policies, any OT you do put in is a desperate attempt for more attention and time with your mm.

Its one of the worst trainwrecks Ive ever witnessed on these boards.

I vowed never to answer your threads again as you do nothing to help yourself and made every excuse but I couldnt hold back today.

[Jersey born raised]

I think you do get it, you just have not accepted it at some level. This might help explain why I say so. 3 decades ago in a college class on the historical development of christianity while discussion the clash between Judeo and Hellenistic in the two at this time. He maintain one vital difference was rooted in the verb know. How do we know something? The word in Greek roots are in "to see" as in I see that is a mountain, I see it is tall, I understand the climb will be difficult. The Judeo word is rooted in the sexual a profoundly different starting place. In the example of the mountain being hard to climb it implies your muscle feel the aching the climb will involved, you experience the time and effort before climbing the mountain.

 

In short many feel while you get it intellectually, you don't get it emotionally. Keep posting, you are getting there, you have a stated goal to end the adultery and rebuild your marriage. Accept those things that apply, put aside those things that do not (until they do which may be never).

 

Could you post some thoughts on this thread or a new one on how you help your husband heal. Even if you never disclose, damage has been done. Marriages have ups and downs. He has noticed but at this point is chalking it up to an unknown down. He has accepted a diminishment marriage because after all marriages have downs.

 

Affection is life, not a reason for living. Having a job to support an environment that promotes protects that is a reason, not life. You have withdrawn taken that from him. That is one of the things you need to address intellectually at this point.

 

I am with you in this regard.

[anika99]

You keep saying you love your husband. Do you want to stay married and continue to love him? I ask because you are in danger of destroying your marriage and the love you have for your spouse even if your husband never finds out.

 

Just keep doing what you are doing and one day you will wake up to find yourself in love with MM. As that love deepens, your love for your spouse will lessen. You will find yourself becoming hyper critical of your husband and comparing him to the MM. One day you will decide that you don't love your spouse anymore and you will think about leaving him. Your married life will become misery and your husband won't know why. Do you have children? If so they will feel the effects too and everyone will suffer.

 

You say you are trying to change this. How? I don't see you trying to do anything. You are doing exactly the same things you were doing when you started this thread. Reminds of when I'd get on my kids to do better at school. They would whine and say "buuuuttt I'm trrryyyying". I would say "really? How are you trying? You're trying by ignoring your homework? You're trying by not asking for help? You're trying by doing exactly the same things you were doing months ago? Please explain to me how you are trying and what you are doing differently?" So OP are you an adult or are you a child? What exactly are you doing to try? Do you call going alone with him to his car and putting moves on him trying?

[Brokenintwo]

I don't post on here very much-my reception on this site was not very good- but this post and a few others have really gotten to me.

 

Having an affair with your boss is probably the worst thing anyone could do, bar none.

 

I thought I was "safe" after he dumped me, too. The laws were on my side, right?

 

Wrong.

 

About a year after his wife discovered his affair with me-and multiple others- he and she flew off to Hawaii to renew their wedding vows. That was agonizing- but there was worse to come. Three months later, he announced his retirement, although he stayed on as Chairman Emeritas. The woman he put in charge as CEO was someone I detested, and the feeling was mutual.

 

She terminated me two weeks later. And, before anybody asks, I consulted three different lawyers, and they all told me the same thing: nothing had happened to me for a year and a half; he wasn't the one who terminated me; I was terminated by a woman- so, no case. Oh, and as an added insult- the rumors about us are still rampant in our industry, so getting another job in my field? Well, suffice to say, no luck so far.

 

So, go on ahead and have an affair with your boss. Being middle aged and unemployed is not the worst thing that can happen- but it sure isn't a barrel of laughs, either

[anika99]

I don't post on here very much-my reception on this site was not very good- but this post and a few others have really gotten to me.

 

Having an affair with your boss is probably the worst thing anyone could do, bar none.

 

I thought I was "safe" after he dumped me, too. The laws were on my side, right?

 

Wrong.

 

About a year after his wife discovered his affair with me-and multiple others- he and she flew off to Hawaii to renew their wedding vows. That was agonizing- but there was worse to come. Three months later, he announced his retirement, although he stayed on as Chairman Emeritas. The woman he put in charge as CEO was someone I detested, and the feeling was mutual.

 

She terminated me two weeks later. And, before anybody asks, I consulted three different lawyers, and they all told me the same thing: nothing had happened to me for a year and a half; he wasn't the one who terminated me; I was terminated by a woman- so, no case. Oh, and as an added insult- the rumors about us are still rampant in our industry, so getting another job in my field? Well, suffice to say, no luck so far.

 

So, go on ahead and have an affair with your boss. Being middle aged and unemployed is not the worst thing that can happen- but it sure isn't a barrel of laughs, either

 

What a terrible outcome. I hope you have been able to move on to an even better job. However I have to ask, how did your affair play into this CEO terminating you? Do you think the MM put her up to it? Or that he put her in charge knowing she would terminate you? Did she know of your affair and did she provide you with an explanation when she fired you?

[Brokenintwo]

As I said, there are rumors about us, as well as about him and others. The only person with "proof" is exMM's wife, and obviously she isn't talking.

 

As to the new CEO- we have known each other for years. She was never a fan, nor I hers. I always thought she was abrasive, and she never valued my work. Also, she was always a "favorite"- one promotion after another- although she was not, to my knowledge, one of his "conquests". She "reorganized" my department, and there was one redundancy- mine. As I said before, I saw three different lawyers, and they all told me I had no case. I would have had HE fired me within a certain time frame, but he didn't. So, here I am.

Edited May 12, 2016 by Brokenintwo
Added detail

[66Charger]

If your office building has security cameras, you are already busted. Once i was working late and took a break and kicked it with the security guy. He showed me 3 affairs on camera.No It wasnt a sex show, but it was so obvious. Elevators always have cameras. And you give him bjs in the parking lot? Trust me, these security monitors are watching you.

 

I hope you get the point that he showed me this. People at your work probably already know. All it takes is one disgruntled overlooked employee and your world will come crashing down. You have to insure that no one at work knows or befreinds your husband, or his wife. No Christmas parties with spouses.

 

You will soon be out of time and major life decisions made for you. Everytime you pass by a camera, you will wonder. What did they see?

 

Workplace affairs may seem the safest, since all dalliances can be done on the clock or away from family, but they are always known by somebody.

 

Is that somebody a freind or a foe.

 

There are some affairs that words on a forum can help. There are some affairs that the only thing that will help is to be hit by a train. Everyone here is screaming at you. "Hey Lady a train is coming" And your AP is going to tie you to the tracks and allow you to get run over.

 

Sadly, the only person who can save you, is your Husband.

[2broken]

Actually, the only person that can save you is YOU!

 

The only person that can save your marriage at this point- is your husband- and not sure why he would given the little thought you have given to his well being and the devastation you have brought to his live. Be assured- DD is coming. And you cannot imagine the pain he will feel when he does.

 

Your only option is to leave this job. Any contact with your boss/MM is now simply inappropriate- whether you think it is only on a professional basis or not. Betwen APs there are no "only professional" contacts. That funny banter back and forth? It is called flirting - and between married co-workers, it is an affair.

 

Whether you are been manipulated or not, it does not matter. Every time you respond, initiate, dress to go to work, you are making a CHOICE. And the person most hurt? It is not you- it is your HUSBAND. If you want to proceed, be human and set HIM free. Seek a divorce. No matter what you believe, you do not love your husband- you are using him- in the most cruel way.

 

Having said that, for your own sake, your sanity, your health, seek IC- find out why you are involved in this self destructive behavior and why you are being so callous towards a man who loves you - read HUSBAND not AP). In the meantime, brush up your cv and seek a new job- you will need time- and do that before your reputation is all over the place within your industry.

 

Even though your BOSS has opened himself up to a sexual harassment claim, and if all hits the fan, he will likely loose his job, so will you. But mind you, the basis of a sexual harassment complaint is that the interactions be UNWANTED. From what you have said here, your interactions are a CHOICE- therefore- not unwanted. You, in fact, have more to loose than him.

 

Answer to yourself truly- is your marriage, emotional health, and career worth the affair? Why are you doing this, really? Most importantly, even if you choose the low self esteem and lack of self respect track, why treat your husband in the same way that YOU find objectionable- HE has not been given a choice, whereas you have made a choice. Why have you not told your husband? I would hope you have not told your husband about the choices you are making every day to destroy his happiness out of concern for the pain this will cause him (not sure though- because if you did think about that, you would have found another job by now..) but do imagine his agony next time you get dress to go to work and know you will be engaging in a friendly banter with your boss.

 

This is a no win situation for you- no matter how much you like your job. Send out your CV.

[Messy Lady]

If your office building has security cameras, you are already busted. Once i was working late and took a break and kicked it with the security guy. He showed me 3 affairs on camera.No It wasnt a sex show, but it was so obvious. Elevators always have cameras. And you give him bjs in the parking lot? Trust me, these security monitors are watching you.

 

I hope you get the point that he showed me this. People at your work probably already know. All it takes is one disgruntled overlooked employee and your world will come crashing down. You have to insure that no one at work knows or befreinds your husband, or his wife. No Christmas parties with spouses.

.

 

There are no cameras at work.

 

Where on earth did I say I was giving him BJs in the parking lot?

 

I don't socialise with people from work.

 

Christmas parties don't include spouses.

[66Charger]

Well, you are safe then. You husband will never find out. Continue on with the affair.

[Messy Lady]

Well, you are safe then. You husband will never find out. Continue on with the affair.

 

That's not what I said either. I was just pointing out that some of the risks you highlighted are not applicable.

[whichwayisup]

That's not what I said either. I was just pointing out that some of the risks you highlighted are not applicable.

 

Unless your husband or his wife has hired a PI.

[Messy Lady]

Unless your husband or his wife has hired a PI.

 

 

That's exactly why I said SOME of the risks.

[ChickiePops]

Why are the 'rewards' of allowing yourself to be played by a guy who feels nothing for you except his erection worth risking your marriage and career for?