Hurting me, hurting others

[Jersey born raised]

The second post is how he did it to you and how he will do it with another female co-worker. Yes a co-worker as the work place environment seems to be his preferred hunting grounds.

 

Work place E/A P/A

 

I have modified a post I read on how an EX can entered back into a spouses life. *A work place relationship cam and often is *a far more dangerous situation to a marriage. *It creates a strong bonding experience of working as a team, developing goals, implementing a plan of a plan of action, overcoming problems, and sharing a successful outcome. *These are common traits in a successful marriage. *

 

A perfect storm is about to happen.*

 

They talk about and basks in their shared success,

They eagerly look forward to working on the next project.*

They begin to discuss their children and how great they are,*

Their families

How you're an excellent parent*

How lucky they are to have such great spouses.*

How you' each of you is a wonderful suppose.*

How great their jobs are.*

But how the job keeps both of *you busy

How the *job keeps you away

How they sometimes feels a little lonely and disconnected

How they sometimes feels a little overburdened because the spouse into*

**pulling their weight.*

How they sometimes feels a little taken for granted

How they *feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to them

How they *feels that you don't ALWAYS understand them.*

How they feel that sometimes you're just "not there" for her

How, okay... Their spouse are not ALWAYS such a wonderful person.*

How they loved working together*

How they wish their spouses where as easy to work together like the *

**two of you.*

How they feel young again

How they find feel appreciated, something their spouses don't do.*

How they feel attractive again

How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to them

How it's been so, so long since their spouses *made them feel that w

Then BOOM their eyes have now been opened

How they *now realizes what *truly wants and needs are *each other*

How they *now realizes that there spouses could NEVER give them that

How insensitive their spruces *can be be some times

How they *can be a real jerks sometimes

How they wonders if they should say married*

How they *now realizes that they never really loved their spouse*

How they *now realizes that they want inna marriage what they have at *

** *Work with each other,*

How they ever could have fallen for a jerk like their spouses*

How their spouses the biggest a++hole she's ever known

How their spouses are *standing in the way of her true happiness

How their spouses ruined their *life

How they *made a big mistake marrying their *spouses*

How they are made an even bigger mistake letting not being with each*

**each other*

How now they see that the two of you are really meant to be together

How they desperately need *to get away from their *spouse*

How they definitely going to leave their spouse*

They are now comparing notes from *talking to divorce lawyers

How they're going to live happily ever after...

 

...get the pic

[Jersey born raised]

Often adultery occurs out of issues in a marriage that are either unspoken or unresolved. This creates a toxic environment that the adulterer acts out by engaging in adultery. (quick aside: does the term adultery offend you when I use it to describe this relationship? If it does you might be able to save your marriage.)

 

After you meant your new boss did any of this occur.

 

Red flags*

 

Sex life dropped off noticeably

Passwords on phone and computer

Much more time on line...fakebook.

More GNOs...staying out later.

Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.

Less communication.

Staying up late on computer.

Dressing more provocative

More shopping-spending...clothes.

3 hour groceries shopping trips

Gasoline use and mileage went up

Generally disconnected from family.

New friends that I wasn't introduced to

Cell/text usage went up...way up.

New hair style and attention to makeup

Started exercising more.

Secretive about whereabouts during contact

She would become annoyed easily with me.

Household responsibilities dropped way off.

ecame more forgetful in general

A noticable distancing from her family.

Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me.

 

Especially not being intimate with your husband is a huge red flag. He may very well feel like you have pushed him out into the cold. He most likely feels alone and unloved. In truth he might because of him there may be real issues.

 

Put the OM out of your mind by focusing on your marriage. So what is present state of your marriage and how did it there?

[Messy Lady]

That's quite a few posts since I was last able to look here!

 

Thank you for those shared posts Jersey. The player one I have already seen and has git me wondering about him. He could be a version of that with his push pull, plus swinging from a naïveté on this to being very confident and self assured. Obviously I don't like the idea if being played but then I'm no innocent in this either.

 

The second post with lines that have been said doesn't seem to apply at all. He has not used any lines like those in me. There's been lots and lots of compliments about me in respect of my work and how much he enjoys working with me but no criticism whatsoever of his wife and marriage. In fact when doing one of the earlier pull backs he has said that he is happily married.

 

As for the thirds with changes in my marriage, again I don't think any of these have happened. Intimacy with my husband is an issue and has been for a long time now so that side is already lacking with no drop off in frequency now.

 

So here I am about to go to work and I'm not looking forward to it. There is an argument that there is nothing to be said as he ended it on Friday. Now he has done that before and restarted things but maybe he actually does really mean it and will stick to that this time. That would make life much easier but then there is part of me that would like to see that he still interested in me. Not so much about keeping things going on between is but so I don't feel as if it was completely meaningless to him. Not looking forward to today at all when it comes to it.

[Miss Clavel]

I know this is stupid and wrong but this is my story. He and I are both married and to make it worse he is my boss. He only joined our company a few months ago and we immediately hit it off. Not only is there tremendous respect for each other in terms or work, our personalities just clicked. The flirting started with chat first but was quickly followed by touching each other - just arm, hand, that kind of thing, but more than you would with any other colleague. Eventually he asked me whether I was being serious with the flirting and I admitted I was. There is something about him that just makes me completely truthful and straight with him. He said he was married, my boss etc but did not say he was not interested either.

 

 

The flirting and contact escalated from that point and a couple of weeks later, we agreed to stay late after a meeting at work when everybody else would have gone. That didn't happen as he was not well plus he again said he is married and also said we mustn't take things further. I didn't see him for a week but as soon as we were back at work together, we were just using every opportunity we could to spend time together. There was another meeting last week. We stayed late. We ended up having sex.

 

 

Next day back at work, he pulls back again - married, work etc. But that didn't last. We had a meeting on Monday and decided to not hold it in the office. Whilst we did work, we could hardly keep our hands off each other and ended up making out in his car later in the day. Tuesday he does the married thing and then Wednesday he is all over me again. Touching me, kissing me, etc and in the office too. Very high risk, I know. This was all initiated by him.

 

 

I didn't see him yesterday and today was spent with a 3rd colleague for 99% of the day. In that 1%, I briefly touched his hand and yet again, it's the married, can't do this etc. The colleague was back before I could say anything. Since then he and I have exchanged some emails and as he says, we know it is right to stop. But that leaves me in a mess.

 

 

I know he is right that we should stop. But he has said that a few times now and each time, he is back for more. He and I have never done anything like this before and I think it has surprised him as much as it has me but I don't know where I am.

 

 

I feel hurt. I feel stupid. I feel used.

 

 

I also feel guilt for my husband and his wife. This is wrong and cruel on them. But I feel so drawn to him. When he looks at me and smiles, I feel as if I cannot resist. Pathetic isn't it.

 

i suggest you tell someone. besides us. i suggest this in the strongest way, the say way i would tell you that walking into traffic will not end well.

 

and at the risk of being, once again, edited by the mods, i see a thread of selfishness in you, the same one i see in most AP.

 

YOU cannot resist. saying you are unable to resist does not absolve you.

 

you took a vow, you and he both have families. you and he are thievin, behind everyone's backs.

 

pretty soon someone is going to notice you and he are doing a lot of "work" that you expect others to pay for.

[privategal]

Do you remember when you got hired there? In your interview you likely promised passion for your work and spoke of your work ethic.

Now you dont even want to go to work.

Thats what your workday is now.

 

Part of you hopes he comes around so you feel as though you mattered?

How many more times does he need to come back until your self validation is satisfied? Why dont YOU matter to you?

I mean he already cheated with you, broke it off and kept coming back but now if he doesnt you were just thrown away in your eyes?

He doesnt want to cheat, doesnt want you long term...these are just cold hard facts.

It has nothing to do with your value and worth..those come from you.

Its day one of your strong resolve and you are whining that you never mattered to a married guy.

Everything that went on was yesterday.

Its done.

Its time to regroup, refocus, you are being paid to do a job you promised to do well. You are wearing a wedding band by a husband who loves you.

You are worth more than secret rushed sex and hidden communication.

Your weekend was already affected and you were sad he didnt answer your emaik. This has overtaken your life.

On the boards since you posted there are 2 or maybe 3 new posters with the same broken hearts and shattered hopes.

It is the SAME story.

Stop wanting a cheater to validate your self worth and that you matter.

Start living YOUR life.

Work is what you do for 8 hours a day for bills. Dream, find new things, your stuck, I know when you were a little girl you didnt dream of a 9 to 5 where you hated your job and had a lowered self esteem and felt your world was gray because some ahole who was never yours cut things off?

[Southern Sun]

That's quite a few posts since I was last able to look here!

 

Thank you for those shared posts Jersey. The player one I have already seen and has git me wondering about him. He could be a version of that with his push pull, plus swinging from a naïveté on this to being very confident and self assured. Obviously I don't like the idea if being played but then I'm no innocent in this either.

 

The second post with lines that have been said doesn't seem to apply at all. He has not used any lines like those in me. There's been lots and lots of compliments about me in respect of my work and how much he enjoys working with me but no criticism whatsoever of his wife and marriage. In fact when doing one of the earlier pull backs he has said that he is happily married.

 

As for the thirds with changes in my marriage, again I don't think any of these have happened. Intimacy with my husband is an issue and has been for a long time now so that side is already lacking with no drop off in frequency now.

 

So here I am about to go to work and I'm not looking forward to it. There is an argument that there is nothing to be said as he ended it on Friday. Now he has done that before and restarted things but maybe he actually does really mean it and will stick to that this time. That would make life much easier but then there is part of me that would like to see that he still interested in me. Not so much about keeping things going on between is but so I don't feel as if it was completely meaningless to him. Not looking forward to today at all when it comes to it.

 

I hope you didn't miss my post in the multiple ones from Jersey. Not down-playing those but all you did is provide your rebuttal to Jersey. I said some things you really needed to hear.

 

He ended things but he will start them again when he wants to have sex. Most likely. When the desire in the moment overwhelms his guilt, he will come to you. And because you already like him and you don't seem to have enough guilt or shame or some sort of stopping mechanism, you will allow it. AND THIS WILL END BADLY. Please go back to my post.

 

If he comes back to you it is not because he has any real feelings for you. It's because you'll have sex with him. This isn't going to lead to anything good. It might feel pleasurable to you in the moment but you will hate yourself later. You are in complete and total denial right now.

 

Your likely outcomes are either, best case scenario, you feel hurt and used and have unrequited feelings that take you months to get over because you are still working for him; or worst case scenario, you and/or he lose your job(s) and/or your husband and/or his wife discovers the cheating, and...

 

I don't think I need to continue.

[Eighty_nine]

He told me today that he did not want to have an affair, that he could not do that to his wife. I had suspected he was going to pull back today because of an email yesterday yet even this morning he was commenting on my appearance, catching my eye. He continued light flirting with me even after he told me it had to stop!

 

He's proven to you already that his words mean nothing, and I promise he'll be wanting sex again soon. He's basically managing your expectations; he still wants the sex but doesn't want the emotional part and doesn't want you attached, wanting more. The way that things are going, you'll probably always be happy to get sex from him again and won't demand much else. It's strategic on his part, really.

 

I'd bet he's not going to end the sexual side of the affair at any point. YOU have to do that.

[Ms. Faust]

Who cares what he says. He will come back for more. Worry less about what he says and more about what you are willing to accept from him.

[whichwayisup]

 

So here I am about to go to work and I'm not looking forward to it. There is an argument that there is nothing to be said as he ended it on Friday. Now he has done that before and restarted things but maybe he actually does really mean it and will stick to that this time.

 

Why it all on him? You make it stick this time. If the A is truly over and you want it be over, then buck up and fight hard to avoid him. Sure it'll hurt and be hard to do but doing this will free yourself from the roller coaster ride and pain.

 

That would make life much easier but then there is part of me that would like to see that he still interested in me. Not so much about keeping things going on between is but so I don't feel as if it was completely meaningless to him. Not looking forward to today at all when it comes to it

 

This is ego talking and it'll get you into trouble.

 

You believe your own truth, chances are you'll never know his side of things. Make your own closure by accepting that it's over and it's for the best. He's never leaving and divorcing his wife. An A is damaging you and it's time to put you first by having love and respect for yourself - Stay away from him and don't feel guilty or bad for doing so. He certainly is putting himself first, so why can't you!

[wmacbride]

i don't know if this will help or not, but it did help someone i know who wa sin a position similar to yours ( but hadn't gotten as far as having sex yet).

 

She wrote a letter to his bs and to her bs, explaining why the A happened and why it was okay that it did. She gave as full an accounting as she could, then put the letters away - they were hand written, and not really for any eyes but hers- and went back and read them the next day.

 

She told me that when she was writing them, she felt bad, and when she re-read them, she felt even worse and also sheepish, realizing that she had a lot more power over the situation than she was letting herself believe.

 

Of course, ending the A wasn't easy, but she had a lot more resolve after completing that exercise. In the end, the put a stop to the A and confessed to her H. It was a hard road for them, but they were able to work through it all.

[Messy Lady]

It's not always easy for me to get in to LS to reply but here I am.

 

Yesterday at work, well he and I are more than mixed up. Whilst he did make the briefest comment to what has happened as being "all history now", he was still being playful with me. Teasing me, playfully grabbing my hand, scratching the back of my hand "to check how sharp his nails were". When I said during a meeting that I love working with him (which I do on a professional level, he is a great boss), he asked me in what other ways I love him. I asked him in what other ways did he want me to love him which he did not answer. So again he is keeping me there at arms length and I was so weak (and selfish) as to not say anything . Basically it is following the same pattern as it did after all the other times he said it had to stop. We are both feeding each other's egos here.

 

I know he thinks very highly of me as a colleague and not just because he has told me. We both work really hard and put in way more hours (both of us do more than the standard office hours and work from home a lot) and achieve more than anybody else. But I do realise that whilst he likes me so much in that way, that it does not mean he would have deeper feelings for me. I am not sure what I feel about him either - though I do recognise that I feel something and also more than him. However I also know that I would never want something that would mean him leaving his wife or me leaving my husband.

 

I know, I know. I am a bad person.

[Grey Cloud]

It's not always easy for me to get in to LS to reply but here I am.

 

Yesterday at work, well he and I are more than mixed up. Whilst he did make the briefest comment to what has happened as being "all history now", he was still being playful with me. Teasing me, playfully grabbing my hand, scratching the back of my hand "to check how sharp his nails were". When I said during a meeting that I love working with him (which I do on a professional level, he is a great boss), he asked me in what other ways I love him. I asked him in what other ways did he want me to love him which he did not answer. So again he is keeping me there at arms length and I was so weak (and selfish) as to not say anything . Basically it is following the same pattern as it did after all the other times he said it had to stop. We are both feeding each other's egos here.

 

I know he thinks very highly of me as a colleague and not just because he has told me. We both work really hard and put in way more hours (both of us do more than the standard office hours and work from home a lot) and achieve more than anybody else. But I do realise that whilst he likes me so much in that way, that it does not mean he would have deeper feelings for me. I am not sure what I feel about him either - though I do recognise that I feel something and also more than him. However I also know that I would never want something that would mean him leaving his wife or me leaving my husband.

 

I know, I know. I am a bad person.

 

I don't think you want it to stop. I don't think you are prepared for it to stop. It sounds like you are enjoying the attention and want more of it. I am afraid you are going to learn the hard way.

 

It doesn't sound like you are ready and everyone can tell you otherwise that this is all going to end badly but are you ready to listen?

 

I have been in your shoes. I also worked with my xMM and enjoyed the attention. But for what? An escape from the problems in my own m? An ego boost? This is a train wreck headed for no where. You already sound in too deep with your feelings whereas he just sounds like he enjoys the attention.

 

Sorry to he harsh but been there, done that! You will get hurt. You need to

channel all your MM analysis into your own M to have any chance at all.

[BuddyX]

How about to you tell him "we keep it professional" and you stick to it.

You are so deep into it. This will not end well.

[privategal]

You failed miserably...he asked in what other ways do you love me (for an ego stroke) and you answered like a teenage girl instead of a classy married professional woman.

You let him grab your hand.

You accepted not one peice of advice or support you got here.

Enjoy your affair.

You were warned but you apparently dont mind wrecking 4 lives for attention and validation.

[heartwhole]

You're playing Russian roulette with your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

It's not always easy for me to get in to LS to reply but here I am.

 

Yesterday at work, well he and I are more than mixed up. Whilst he did make the briefest comment to what has happened as being "all history now", he was still being playful with me. Teasing me, playfully grabbing my hand, scratching the back of my hand "to check how sharp his nails were". When I said during a meeting that I love working with him (which I do on a professional level, he is a great boss), he asked me in what other ways I love him. I asked him in what other ways did he want me to love him which he did not answer. So again he is keeping me there at arms length and I was so weak (and selfish) as to not say anything . Basically it is following the same pattern as it did after all the other times he said it had to stop. We are both feeding each other's egos here.

 

I know he thinks very highly of me as a colleague and not just because he has told me. We both work really hard and put in way more hours (both of us do more than the standard office hours and work from home a lot) and achieve more than anybody else. But I do realise that whilst he likes me so much in that way, that it does not mean he would have deeper feelings for me. I am not sure what I feel about him either - though I do recognise that I feel something and also more than him. However I also know that I would never want something that would mean him leaving his wife or me leaving my husband.

 

I know, I know. I am a bad person.

 

Now he knows he can use you for an ego feed anytime and you'll eat it up. As you said, you are getting your ego fed too.

 

Have to agree with Grey Cloud, your actions and the school girl giddiness you display around him just shows this is far from over, you're allowing yourself to get caught up in the moment. This isn't "love" nor is it is respectful or professional. This man is playing you and you're eating it up. Is risking your marriage and life as you know it worth it? You're throwing away everything for a cat/mouse ego game.

[ChickiePops]

It's not always easy for me to get in to LS to reply but here I am.

 

Yesterday at work, well he and I are more than mixed up. Whilst he did make the briefest comment to what has happened as being "all history now", he was still being playful with me. Teasing me, playfully grabbing my hand, scratching the back of my hand "to check how sharp his nails were". When I said during a meeting that I love working with him (which I do on a professional level, he is a great boss), he asked me in what other ways I love him. I asked him in what other ways did he want me to love him which he did not answer. So again he is keeping me there at arms length and I was so weak (and selfish) as to not say anything . Basically it is following the same pattern as it did after all the other times he said it had to stop. We are both feeding each other's egos here.

 

I know he thinks very highly of me as a colleague and not just because he has told me. We both work really hard and put in way more hours (both of us do more than the standard office hours and work from home a lot) and achieve more than anybody else. But I do realise that whilst he likes me so much in that way, that it does not mean he would have deeper feelings for me. I am not sure what I feel about him either - though I do recognise that I feel something and also more than him. However I also know that I would never want something that would mean him leaving his wife or me leaving my husband.

 

I know, I know. I am a bad person.

 

Have you noticed that no one is arguing with you about the bolded?

 

You're not in love with him. You're not deeply involved. You still have a chance to walk away from this but instead you're choosing to go for cheap ego strokes and silly flirtation with a man who sees you as a walking sex toy.

 

Imagine the look on your husbands face when he finds out about this. Is that enough to put a stop to this nonsense? Stop being so effing selfish. You are hurting people. And you're delusional if you think nobody will notice. Is getting your hand scratched important enough to you to ruin your career AND your marriage?

 

Snap out of it.

[ladydesigner]

It's not always easy for me to get in to LS to reply but here I am.

 

Yesterday at work, well he and I are more than mixed up. Whilst he did make the briefest comment to what has happened as being "all history now", he was still being playful with me. Teasing me, playfully grabbing my hand, scratching the back of my hand "to check how sharp his nails were". When I said during a meeting that I love working with him (which I do on a professional level, he is a great boss), he asked me in what other ways I love him. I asked him in what other ways did he want me to love him which he did not answer. So again he is keeping me there at arms length and I was so weak (and selfish) as to not say anything . Basically it is following the same pattern as it did after all the other times he said it had to stop. We are both feeding each other's egos here.

 

I know he thinks very highly of me as a colleague and not just because he has told me. We both work really hard and put in way more hours (both of us do more than the standard office hours and work from home a lot) and achieve more than anybody else. But I do realise that whilst he likes me so much in that way, that it does not mean he would have deeper feelings for me. I am not sure what I feel about him either - though I do recognise that I feel something and also more than him. However I also know that I would never want something that would mean him leaving his wife or me leaving my husband.

 

I know, I know. I am a bad person.

 

Messy Lady I understand that all of this is in the NOW all the feelings, the rush and the excitement, but eventually it will all come crashing down either by Dday or an ending. Why put yourself in this situation knowing the endgame?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Saying "you love working with him" is not how a professional person speaks.

 

 

Telling yourself that you didn't tell him how you feel is a lie that you have told yourself. You point blank asked him in what others way does he want you to love him.

 

We often tell ourselves lies about ourselves. We change the narrative so it keeps a more positive view of "I" internally.

 

Is it accurate that only the MM is acting inappropriately/crossing lines/flirting/playing/teasing?

 

Is it accurate that you don't/aren't risking your marriage and his?

[heartwhole]

I'm wondering, do you have children?

 

Do you feel that you weren't ready to get married, or have married the wrong person?

 

From what I've read, men are less likely than women to give reconciliation a chance; their wife having sex with another man is often a deal breaker. Additionally, women who have affairs are more likely to be having an "exit affair" -- using the affair as a way out of their marriage.

 

Can you take a break from the intoxication of how this makes you feel to try to figure out why are you doing this?

[Messy Lady]

I absolutely accept that I am no innocent and I have either encouraged or not discouraged him. I can also see that I'm on the edge of the cliff now. One little step too far now and I will be in way too deep.

 

Maybe I am being naive in thinking even now that he and I could carry on with some flirtatious behaviour but not take further to something physical but I have considered this as a way forward.

 

As for me saying I love working with him, it's true but that is because of the professionalism (yes, really in spite of what some may think) that he demonstrates, the commitment to his work, the ideas he generates and also how he supports and coaches staff. He has also told me he loves working with me for work related reasons. We have a great deal of respect for each other and I don't think it is unprofessional to say that I love working with someone like that. Also he asked me first in what other ways do I love him - he brought this up, not me.

[whichwayisup]

Respectfully, you're justifying everything because it's so personal. If this was female boss or any other guy who was your boss and you didn't have feelings for you wouldn't be oozing the praise and talking like this. It has everything to do with the A and the dynamic. His behavior around you at times IS unprofessional and certainly asking you what else you love about him is an example. And the hand scratching... did anybody else see this? Do others suspect or pay attention to how you two interact with each other at work?

[Messy Lady]

You might be right there Whichway. I suppose it's like the chicken and egg thing of what came first. Was it all about the work and then the attraction or has the attraction made him and I say too much about how we enjoy working together. That is something I will think about.

 

The hand scratching was in his office with no one else around to see. We have not done any inappropriate talking etc in front of colleagues, it has all been when on our own right from the very start. Though of course that's telling in itself as it's recognition that our behaviour is not appropriate, that it is not harmless.

 

Our work means we do interact a lot and much of that on a one to one basis so nobody will think it odd at the time we spend together. I have to say that he and I do a lot of work for the company - probably more than anybody else actually.

[Cymbeline]

'playfully grabbing my hand, scratching the back of my hand "to check how sharp his nails were". When I said during a meeting that I love working with him (which I do on a professional level, he is a great boss), he asked me in what other ways I love him. I asked him in what other ways did he want me to love him '

 

I am at a loss. Educate me please. How is this kind of talk erotic ? Doesn't it turn you right off with its puerility? seems better than bromide to me.

[Messy Lady]

I am at a loss. Educate me please. When did I say this kind of talk was erotic? Erm. No. Never.