Hurting me, hurting others

[Jersey born raised]

I also think part of his motivation is to demean and humiliate your husband. It does not matter if he knows him, it is the idea of "gaining status" at his expense. Not unlike a teenage girl who "steals" other girls boyfriend.

 

Has he tried pushing your boundaries hard? The further he pushes you past them the better he feels about himself and the more difficult it is for you to breakaway. Has he pushed you to send him pics of you or make a video? He is attempting to gain control of you.

 

When you try to break away he will start to pull you back by using the past sexual history of the two to panic you. Why? Because he enjoys it.

[Messy Lady]

I feel like such a fool. The last few posts I can really relate to in what they are telling me.

 

His behaviour towards me this week has been following the same pattern. At the start of the week, it was "not going to do this" yet brushing himself up against me whilst saying it. Getting more touchy as the week went on though also saying things which suggests he cares about me. Then on Thursday giving me a comforting (yet unexpected and not actually needed) hug due to me having to fight some work battles in the past but in the afternoon pushing my boundaries so we ended up messing around in his office whilst colleagues were just outside. Yet yesterday he put me in my place again when I pushed him in a teasing way to say something about he feels about me. He can ask those questions of me but I can't ask him.

 

I feel used. The sub/dom comment someone made has got me thinking. I am being submissive to him. It is all on his terms. He's calling me a temptress but he's the one who makes all the moves. I'm having to wait to see if he is receptive or not. This is embarrassing to put in writing as this is not the me I recognise. It is an addiction as you have said and I am craving the gentler moments with him plus enjoying the riskier moments in a way that has me incredibly confused.

 

When I step back and look at this mess, I do want it to stop yet when he gives me a breadcrumb, I am back in the thick of it again.

[TaraMaiden2]

But the next time he does this, you will KNOW what a fool you are being, and what exactly it is you are falling for.

 

breadcrumbs.

 

You'll see this in a different light, almost like an outsider watching a movie of two people interacting.

And you will see it for what it is: A charade. a make-believe drama with little or no worthy ending.

 

Rather like the 'Jackass' programmes, you'll think"well it all looks as if it should be fun, but it isn't. It hurts - and what's the point, exactly?"

 

The next time?

You will know. There's a new awareness in you that recoils at the senselessness of what this is doing to you.

A professional, married woman, reduced to a plaything at the whim of someone who is evidently in control. And knows it.

[Messy Lady]

He has a huge amount of respect for me for my work and values me highly as a colleague. I know this for a fact. So how can he then use me the way he does? How does he manage to have this respect for me yet be able to use me? I don't understand.

[TaraMaiden2]

So how can he then use me the way he does? How does he manage to have this respect for me yet be able to use me? I don't understand

 

For exactly this reason:

He has a huge amount of respect for me for my work and values me highly as a colleague. I know this for a fact.

 

It's a power trip.

Your success, professional worth, value and expertise are all to be admired.

But guess what?

He can still manipulate you like putty.

[elaine567]

For exactly this reason:

 

 

It's a power trip.

Your success, professional worth, value and expertise are all to be admired.

But guess what?

He can still manipulate you like putty.

 

^^^This^^^

 

...and what does that make him?

 

SUPERMAN!!!

[Chuff]

Getting more touchy as the week went on though also saying things which suggests he cares about me. But he doesn't.

 

Then on Thursday giving me a comforting (yet unexpected and not actually needed) hug due to me having to fight some work battles in the past Totally inappropriate at work. You will need to be the one to put a stop to this but in the afternoon pushing my boundaries You let him so we ended up messing around in his office whilst colleagues were just outside. Aside from the A aspect this is so unprofessional. Did the risk of getting caught heighten the excitement of illicit "messing around"?

Yet yesterday he put me in my place again when I pushed him in a teasing way to say something about he feels about me Why?? Why are you flirting with him? He can ask those questions of me but I can't ask him.

 

I feel used. You were because YOU let him! The sub/dom comment someone made has got me thinking. I am being submissive to him. It is all on his terms. He's calling me a temptress but he's the one who makes all the moves. I'm having to wait to see if he is receptive or not. This is embarrassing to put in writing as this is not the me I recognise. It is an addiction as you have said and I am craving the gentler moments with him plus enjoying the riskier moments in a way that has me incredibly confused.

 

When I step back and look at this mess, I do want it to stop yet when he gives me a breadcrumb, I am back in the thick of it again.

 

 

Take back your power, gain a little self respect even if you have to fake it until you make it, and make some personal boundaries if you choose to continue to work in the same place.

 

You can do it, but only if you take responsibility for your actions.

[georgia girl]

He has a huge amount of respect for me for my work and values me highly as a colleague. I know this for a fact. So how can he then use me the way he does? How does he manage to have this respect for me yet be able to use me? I don't understand.

 

Gently and respectfully, he doesn't. No one who respects you like you say would engage in acts - if discovered and they could be - designed to humiliate and demean you. You are projecting here and taking things he's said or done when he wasn't being an absolute schmuck to justify how you feel about him and continuing to pursue this.

 

I think deep down you are enjoying being in a Dom-sub relationship. It's thrilling and exciting for you. Your hormones are supercharged. That's a human reaction. But please be careful. If caught, you would destroy everything you hold dear including your professional image and career. This is an incredibly high-stakes thrill for you.

 

He's hot for you and the sexual fantasy that the two of you play. Professional respect? His actions say otherwise.

[loveisanaction]

Messy Lady, you are a married woman.

 

How come it doesn’t bother you that you have a husband at home but are fooling around during office hours with a married co-worker?

 

This married man does not love you and you know this yet you continue to allow him to use you in a manner that even some single women would not permit.

 

You are jeopardizing your marriage, your career, your family and your reputation and all for what? Another woman’s husband.

[Messy Lady]

I know why you might think he does not respect me as a colleague and my work but I am sure he does. Purely by chance, I bumped into a friend/former colleague of his who I also know a few weeks ago and he told me that my boss thinks very highly of me. He has no reason to lie and is someone I trust. I am also aware of him praising me to others.

[anika99]

I know why you might think he does not respect me as a colleague and my work but I am sure he does. Purely by chance, I bumped into a friend/former colleague of his who I also know a few weeks ago and he told me that my boss thinks very highly of me. He has no reason to lie and is someone I trust. I am also aware of him praising me to others.

 

Nobody is going to respect you if/when they discover what you are doing with this guy in his office during working hours. Do you value and respect yourself as a professional? Why are you risking becoming a dirty joke?

 

The MM may have felt a great deal of respect for you at one time but that is long gone now. Now that he knows you are weak and willing to put up with his games he has lost respect for you and yes this will eventually spill over into how he regards you professionally, if it hasn't already.

[SomethingToSay]

And even if he does respect you professionally so what? Hes still demeaning and humiliating you. He knows that you are putting your career, marriage and childrens well being at risk by engaging in this sex fantasy. So obviously he has no respect or concern for you whatsoever.

 

It's really sick and sad. Only way i know how to describe it really.

[Messy Lady]

Look, I know he respects me as a colleague. I have no doubt about that at all. I am not going to post further details of our working relationship to prove it as it is not an issue.

 

He is also risking losing as much as me, if not more.

[loveisanaction]

You are a married woman. You are not single and neither is he.

 

You are messaing around with someone else's hsuband.

 

It doesn't matter whether he respects you or not. You are married and so is he.

[Chuff]

Look, I know he respects me as a colleague. I have no doubt about that at all. I am not going to post further details of our working relationship to prove it as it is not an issue.

 

 

The only one you're convincing with your "proof" is yourself.

 

The rest of us see through the bs.

[anika99]

Look, I know he respects me as a colleague. I have no doubt about that at all. I am not going to post further details of our working relationship to prove it as it is not an issue.

 

He is also risking losing as much as me, if not more.

 

Professionally I don't think he is risking as much as you. Women are still judged more harshly than men when it comes to affairs. I know it's a disgusting double standard but that's the way it is. He doesn't respect you as a person and that will eventually bleed into how he feels about you as a colleague.

[georgia girl]

Gently, you are totally infatuated with this guy and you are assigning to him qualities that he just doesn't have. Maybe he said glowing things to a colleague. It was likely before you guys were doing anything and he was hot for you. Maybe it was after and he's obviously still lusting after you.

 

The thing is, you have crossed that line. More importantly, you have crossed that

Line IN THE OFFICE. That will destroy your career. You will be the one people gossip about, laugh about, and make negative decisions about. You will be the one who used to be a good professional but then worked for a new boss for a matter of months and you were doing sexual things in the office. What people don't know, sadly enough, they will make up and it will be more salicious than what actually happened.

 

Him? People will think he is a slimy player. They will think that he took advantage of a lonely, desperate woman. But it won't negatively effect his hiring options. He will be told to keep it "G" rated on company time and to seek opportunities out of the staffing pool but otherwise they won't care.

 

As a feminist, this double standard offends me. As a businesswoman, I know it's real. You will be harmed by this; he not so much. He is both the boss and a man. The cards are stacked against you. That's why I can't believe, no matter what he says, that he respects you. He knows the score - we all do. Yet, he gambles both of your reputations, sure, but he knows the devestating risk to you. He doesn't care. Instead, he manipulates you into admitting how much you desire him. He will use that against you when this all comes out.

 

Messy Lady, this isn't his first ride. You are not the first woman. And he is very deliberately using you and setting you up to be the desperate, unprofessional one who would fool around in the office on company time because you are so out of control. Put a stop to this now. Your company can actually charge - or threaten to charge - both of you with theft of services in a way to get rid of you. As an employer, I would fire both of you and have you walked out of the building. Why? By the time I found out about it, others would know and if I did t do that, the judgment would be on me that I let Soddom and Gomorrah happen right under my nose.

 

 

Sorry that my posts are so tough but I really think you need to see reality.

[Forceawakensme]

Gently, you are totally infatuated with this guy and you are assigning to him qualities that he just doesn't have. Maybe he said glowing things to a colleague. It was likely before you guys were doing anything and he was hot for you. Maybe it was after and he's obviously still lusting after you.

 

The thing is, you have crossed that line. More importantly, you have crossed that

Line IN THE OFFICE. That will destroy your career. You will be the one people gossip about, laugh about, and make negative decisions about. You will be the one who used to be a good professional but then worked for a new boss for a matter of months and you were doing sexual things in the office. What people don't know, sadly enough, they will make up and it will be more salicious than what actually happened.

 

Him? People will think he is a slimy player. They will think that he took advantage of a lonely, desperate woman. But it won't negatively effect his hiring options. He will be told to keep it "G" rated on company time and to seek opportunities out of the staffing pool but otherwise they won't care.

 

As a feminist, this double standard offends me. As a businesswoman, I know it's real. You will be harmed by this; he not so much. He is both the boss and a man. The cards are stacked against you. That's why I can't believe, no matter what he says, that he respects you. He knows the score - we all do. Yet, he gambles both of your reputations, sure, but he knows the devestating risk to you. He doesn't care. Instead, he manipulates you into admitting how much you desire him. He will use that against you when this all comes out.

 

Messy Lady, this isn't his first ride. You are not the first woman. And he is very deliberately using you and setting you up to be the desperate, unprofessional one who would fool around in the office on company time because you are so out of control. Put a stop to this now. Your company can actually charge - or threaten to charge - both of you with theft of services in a way to get rid of you. As an employer, I would fire both of you and have you walked out of the building. Why? By the time I found out about it, others would know and if I did t do that, the judgment would be on me that I let Soddom and Gomorrah happen right under my nose.

 

 

Sorry that my posts are so tough but I really think you need to see reality.

 

 

wow.. so this.

 

In fact, this applies to any affairs that involve mutual acquaintances (school Moms/friends/ family .. and of course as stated here, the office). A woman's reputation will be left in tatters.. and nothing short of a physical location move and starting over will ever restore it. Ive witnessed this train wreck.. people do not forget.

[Grapesofwrath]

Professionally I don't think he is risking as much as you. Women are still judged more harshly than men when it comes to affairs. I know it's a disgusting double standard but that's the way it is. He doesn't respect you as a person and that will eventually bleed into how he feels about you as a colleague.

 

I'm never sure where other posters live. Where I live, he is taking a bigger legal risk in terms of opening himself up to sexual harassment charges should this thing go sideways. Very easy for Messy to assert that she feared retaliation if she did not comply with his requests of her sexually.

 

This is a minor consideration, however. The bigger issue is that this man does not have your best interests in mind. At all. He is a sadist, who gets pleasure from rejecting, humiliating, and manipulating you. The fact that you are a competent and successful colleague may increase the thrill for him because it's an even greater victory to debase a woman of intelligence and skill. Whatever the case, this situation is toxic for you.

 

My advise is to cut it off with him immediately and seek counseling to explore the reasons why you would submit yourself to this type of treatment. What's in it for you?

[georgia girl]

Grapes,

 

You are absolutely correct - he is subject to de facto sexual harassment where i live as well. It's just in the business world, that rarely comes in to play when it's known that it was consensual, unless the company is a larger one. However, even if she is protected from the immediate termination, the damage to her career will be insurmountable unfortunately for all of the reasons I listed above.

[Messy Lady]

As I said in a post much earlier on in this thread, the fall out for him would be be far worse than it would be in your standard workplace affair. I cannot say more than that.

 

When I spoke to him today, I told him we went too far the other day and he agreed. He went on to say that he loves working with me and would hate that to be spoilt by either us being caught or eventually one of us pushing the other one away and causing tension between us.

 

I am more than comfortable and happy with the fact that he respects me as a colleague because of things he has said or done even today that I have not posted here.

[ShatteredLady]

Has your husband started to notice that somethings 'off' yet? Has he asked you any questions? I'd be surprised if his instincts haven't started some alarm bells.

 

Like many, I was completely blindsided by my H's affair but I knew that something was very, very wrong in our marriage the whole time. I guessed the exact week that it started! Once I was onto him it took very little investigating to learn the whole sick truth.

 

I hope your poor H isn't like me....I was blaming & hating myself because I couldn't think that the love of my life could be being so incredibly cruel & abusive!

 

I imagine that your H trusts you completely. You're killing something inside of him, changing him forever. You have no idea. People don't until they've lived it. Psychologically you're inflicting one of the worst tortures you possibly can. It's tragic. You must really hate your H. Why do you have such contempt for him?

 

If you're incredibly lucky he may stick around to give you a 2nd chance. Many men just can't. If he stays & you work very hard for the rest of your life he may start to forgive you but he will NEVER forget. He will never be the very special, loving unconditionally, trusting blindly, devoted, hopeful man that you married, not with you anyway.

 

I hope he understands that you just couldn't help yourself. Have you thought how you're going to explain this when he finds out?

[Messy Lady]

I absolutely do not hate my husband. I love my husband very much. I also do not have contempt for him. You are so very wrong in your assumptions.

[ShatteredLady]

"He went on to say that he loves working with me and would hate that to be spoilt by either us being caught or eventually one of us pushing the other one away and causing tension between us."

 

 

You know the rules now.

 

You don't want your job spoilt. He LOVES being your boss.

Don't confess to your H or get caught.

Don't push him away...always say YES!

[ShatteredLady]

Messy Lady. Your actions tell a very different story to your words.