Hurting me, hurting others

[Forceawakensme]

More evidence supporting my theory on earlier page ML.

 

Also, when you just mentioned that you are one of the only people that stands up to him professionally and gives your opinion/s etc and that he respects this -- as he should, it shows confidence in your professional abilities. Well this stood out to me as being one of the key reasons he is enjoying breaking you down to an infatuated little school girl. The more capable you are your job, the more victorious it is to conquer you and strip you of your self-respect right before his eyes. His comments are nauseating --- "i could get you any time" -- "ive had opportunities but never done this before" (in other words..im used to being preyed upon.. obviously by your actions im pretty irresistable).

 

He is sadistic and like previous posters have said, gets off on the humiliation. Imagine how much he gets off on the idea that he can tell you he is happily married and loves his wife but STILL get you to follow him into the car -- after telling you its over! -- The push-pull is sickening. Its like hes a big cat and you're this little mouse hes tossing between his paws with delight.

 

Right now i can just imagine his disgusting internal monologue -- '

"i am either insanely sexy or shes insaney easy... i keep pushing her away and she just wants me more.. . i can say anything to her .. thats it over.. that i love my wife and she'll STILL do what i say...i love that shes so smart at her job yet switches to easy as soon as i click my fingers...damn im good..... at this point its not even my fault.. its like shes a preying on me..not sure there's anything i could do to keep this woman away...even if i wanted to .. in fact, i cant even feel guilty about it.. she is relentlessly horny for me"

 

Anyway, thats what i am guessing is a version of what plays in his sick deluded head.

 

Wouldn't you rather change that to " Well hell.. fine.. so shes gone all professional on me and wont give it up... pfft.. I'll put her on ice and try again in a little while.. meanwhile Next!.. hmm that accountant chick looks like she could be a dirty girl.. pretty sure she was checking me out too.. i'll have a little play around with her and test the waters... "

 

Let this douche move on to the next victim!..Get back to the business of your wonderful career and reputation.. and your loving husband. Your life is so good if you want it to be.

Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[Messy Lady]

Could it not be that he has not had an affair before and is clumsy in his words and actions whilst feeling guilty?

 

Or am I saying that to make myself feel better?

[SomethingToSay]

Could it not be that he has not had an affair before and is clumsy in his words and actions whilst feeling guilty?

 

Or am I saying that to make myself feel better?

 

 

Of course you are saying that to make yourself feel better. Just like you are saying he respects you professionally to try and make yourself feel better. As if his supposed professional respect for you somehow eclipses the fact he is degrading you as a woman and human.

 

 

Next thing he is going to ask to take a piss on you. And you will probably let him I guess?

 

 

What difference would it make if it were or weren't his first affair anyway? You know he doesn't have feelings for you. I hope you know that. Like really, deep down.

[getsmartie]

Of course you are saying that to make yourself feel better. Just like you are saying he respects you professionally to try and make yourself feel better. As if his supposed professional respect for you somehow eclipses the fact he is degrading you as a woman and human.

 

 

Next thing he is going to ask to take a piss on you. And you will probably let him I guess?

 

 

What difference would it make if it were or weren't his first affair anyway? You know he doesn't have feelings for you. I hope you know that. Like really, deep down.

 

^^^^this totally!

[Forceawakensme]

Could it not be that he has not had an affair before and is clumsy in his words and actions whilst feeling guilty?

 

Or am I saying that to make myself feel better?

 

I know what you're saying and i often thought the same thing about my xMM (who is very similar to yours btw -- hence my ability to see through him -- i made excuses like 'oh hes just so all over the place because hes so confused. he doesn't know how to do this.. its his first time and hes just so conflicted...).

 

Thing is though, even if that is the case, lets say it is --- he is STILL making it clear that his fantasy is for you to hit on him and him reject you, -- How selfish of him to protect his own conscience and manipulate you into some sort of sexual predator who cant resist him -- Hes so self-serving and already throwing you under the bus by setting it up like this - and you havn't even had a D-day yet. So worst case scenario hes a sadistic douche.. best case scenario hes a selfish douche -- . Both scenarios have same end result - ruined self-respect and reputation.

[georgia girl]

Could it not be that he has not had an affair before and is clumsy in his words and actions whilst feeling guilty?

 

Or am I saying that to make myself feel better?

 

You are clearly in a Dom-sub relationship with him. There is no way in you-know-what that he hasn't done this before. He managed to get you into it shortly after working with you. He is very practiced. You are just so infatuated that you don't want to see it.

 

And he really is humiliating you. A work lunch, telling you how much he loves his wife but then mentioning he could get you to do - let me guess - a submissive sex act on him and then inviting you into his car? That's really creepy.

[Messy Lady]

He asked about my underwear in the restaurant, made the sexual act comment, had a brief chat about us being over. We then left and went to his car where he asked more about my underwear etc and told me he loved his wife.

[ChickiePops]

He asked about my underwear in the restaurant, made the sexual act comment, had a brief chat about us being over. We then left and went to his car where he asked more about my underwear etc and told me he loved his wife.

 

You're being deliberately obtuse because you don't want to face the truth.

 

He doesn't care about you. He absolutely does NOT respect you, not at work or outside of it. He doesn't even like you. You are fulfilling his need to walk all over someone who's weak enough to let him.

 

Find your self respect. You're better than this.

[Forceawakensme]

Messylady i dont think you are being deliberately obtuse; but you are being obtuse:). I know how hard it is to fight the addiction, and thats all it is. The addiction to this new workplace excitement, this attention, these games, the uncertainty and tension -- it feels like you're in a movie. But of course you're not, and real life consequences linger.

 

I know you want to believe all the excuses your mind is telling you so stick to what you know to be definitely true. What you can say beyond a shadow of a doubt.

 

1. He has said he loves his wife and his happily married.

2. His comments are all geared toward setting you up for rejection/pushing you away. Ie humiliating for you.

3. He has no interest in making you feel good / wanted / special. (why would he? he has a wife for that).

4. His comments are ALL arrogant "i could still get you" . "you seduce me". "you want to do xyz to me". Clumsy and new to this? I strongly doubt it! -- But if he is all it means is hes clumsily showing his TRUE colors and they're not pretty.

 

So the above you can sign on off to with certainty, right? Just that alone should make you run for the hills.

 

Also, i think maybe because your MM has more to lose than you do (as you have stated before) it is flattering you / giving you a sense that 'he must really want this'. I think that is erroneous thinking. All it means is that he is arrogant/ cocky enough to believe he'll get away with it and/or he loves the danger, it doesn't mean he respects you and is willing to risk it all.

 

I always think about Bill Clinton - with everything he had to lose, do you think he thought Monica Lewinsky was worth it? Do you think he respected her? (and she WAS a very smart / educated white house inturn) - Of course he didn't. He thought he'd never get caught and saw some easy sex.

Edited May 11, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[whichwayisup]

He asked about my underwear in the restaurant, made the sexual act comment, had a brief chat about us being over. We then left and went to his car where he asked more about my underwear etc and told me he loved his wife.

 

How did this make you feel?

 

I really hope someday soon you wake up before you lose everything. The advice given is falling on deaf ears and sadly one day you will look back and wonder why you let this MM use you and help you ruin your life as you know it.

[ShatteredLady]

Can I ask what you did in the car with him?

 

I think the things that we avoid answering can be very telling.

[Messy Lady]

You're being deliberately obtuse because you don't want to face the truth.

 

He doesn't care about you. He absolutely does NOT respect you, not at work or outside of it. He doesn't even like you. You are fulfilling his need to walk all over someone who's weak enough to let him.

 

Find your self respect. You're better than this.

 

I am not being deliberately obtuse at all. I posted about the sequence of events to clarify something another poster had suggested. A sequence of events that shows how much he is playing me. I have also being remembering some of the other comments today - he was asking me how many lovers I have had, whether I have ever had a threesome. These questions I refused to answer but it shows how he is looking at me as a toy for his amusement. He is asking me all these questions at the same time as saying we are over. I can also see how he has played it as if I have done all the running, as if I instigated everything so he is the victim. But it's as plain as day that is not the case. I can promise that the advice over the last few hours has not been falling on deaf ears.

 

When in the car, after he had invited me in, he just sat there smiling and looking at me with a teasing look on his face. I sat there and looked back at him. He then commented on it being a who is going to blink first game and telling me to say something. I pointed out that he had asked me to join him. For the first time ever I made a move on him which he gently rejected. Yet I sit here now and think that if had not made that move then he would have done a move on me. He had to be in charge, not me. That's when he started talking about his wife, completely ignoring the fact that we have already had sex. After that rejection, he still commented on my underwear! Thinking about the sequence of events and how he continued to keep things sexual is sickening.

 

I cannot carry on like this. He says he loves working with me and loves me within the context of work (said today). He acts as if he has huge respect for me within work and he wants us to work closely together. He sees us as running the business together and that he and I make a perfect team (again said today). His actions between our personal interactions all support his words.

 

I think Force's comments have a lot of truth in them for my situation. I think he is trying to portray himself as some kind of irresistible sex god. I do know he has an ego and he does make a point of telling me of compliments he gets (work related ones). I am there to boost his ego further still but to the detriment of my self respect.

 

I know it's only a matter of time (hours even) before he makes some other comment to me which is flirty or sexual in nature. I hope I remember how I feel now when in respond (or not respond) to that.

[anika99]

Well apparently he is some kind of irresistible sex god, at least to you. Can't believe that after all the posts you have read here and all the nasty things this guy has said, you still made a move on him. You are crapping all over your marriage and your career for this creepy man.

[ShatteredLady]

So...."He & I REALLY need this chance to talk".

 

"We both agreed it had gone too far last week, that it was wrong and highly dangerous for us both. He then said we had to stop - he's happily married, if his wife was unfaithful he'd leave her, etc. I agreed that we should stop too."

 

Sounds good so far! Mutual understanding. Respect. If his wife would be loose & easy like you he'd dump her. He's got way too much self-respect to be with a woman who could cheat....

 

"Are you wearing any knickers or are you so horney for me that you came commando?"

 

"We HAVE TO STOP! get your bare bum in the back of my car so I can respect your professionalism a bit more woman!"

 

 

I know I'm being mean. I just don't understand you. I REALLY don't. To be honest I'm posting again because I feel so desperately sorry for your husband.

 

I told you that my lovely brother took his own life. I know that people think 'He must of been weak, screwed-up, damaged & broken anyway. If it wasn't his wife's behavior it would of been something else'. Some have said as much. It's NOT true. It was at the end of course but before his wife 'Just couldn't control herself but loved him soooo much' he was a different man.

 

I don't know why I'm sharing something so desperately personal to me. I don't trust your empathic ability. I like to believe that when you're lying, gaslighting, trickle truthing (& all the other things so brutal that we coin phrases for them) you might remember some words & save your husband a little agony.

 

 

One last question.... Were you wearing underwear? Bet you put thought into what you did wear though

[whichwayisup]

I can promise that the advice over the last few hours has not been falling on deaf ears.

If his wife or your husband is suspicious it won't take PI long to catch you two being inappropriate together, especially in a car. This is going to blow up in your faces, you'll both be exposed, have shattered professional reputations and home life will be turned upside down with innocent spouses and children being devastated.

 

Messy, WAKE UP and end it. Just do it. You are too close to your situation to see what's truly going on let alone believe what everybody is telling you.

 

He doesn't respect you. He may tell he does but his actions prove otherwise. It doesn't matter how he treats you IN the office around other people, he's acting professional but he gets a minute alone with you, he treats you like a piece of meat and it's creepy and gross.

 

I'm not sure if you've ever answered this or if I missed it. Would you be willing to seek counseling? You're broken and the selfish choices you're making are going to ruin lives.

[Grey Cloud]

I just want to slap this guy! It's all a game to him! Inviting you to his car so he can wait for you to make a move on him so he can reject you? It's just a power trip for him. And each time he wins the game. Do you want him to keep winning? At the expense of your marriage and your H?

 

He may admire you professionally as you say but he doesn't CARE for you. It's all about him.

[ChickiePops]

I am not being deliberately obtuse at all. I posted about the sequence of events to clarify something another poster had suggested. A sequence of events that shows how much he is playing me. I have also being remembering some of the other comments today - he was asking me how many lovers I have had, whether I have ever had a threesome. These questions I refused to answer but it shows how he is looking at me as a toy for his amusement. He is asking me all these questions at the same time as saying we are over. I can also see how he has played it as if I have done all the running, as if I instigated everything so he is the victim. But it's as plain as day that is not the case. I can promise that the advice over the last few hours has not been falling on deaf ears.

 

When in the car, after he had invited me in, he just sat there smiling and looking at me with a teasing look on his face. I sat there and looked back at him. He then commented on it being a who is going to blink first game and telling me to say something. I pointed out that he had asked me to join him. For the first time ever I made a move on him which he gently rejected. Yet I sit here now and think that if had not made that move then he would have done a move on me. He had to be in charge, not me. That's when he started talking about his wife, completely ignoring the fact that we have already had sex. After that rejection, he still commented on my underwear! Thinking about the sequence of events and how he continued to keep things sexual is sickening.

 

I cannot carry on like this. He says he loves working with me and loves me within the context of work (said today). He acts as if he has huge respect for me within work and he wants us to work closely together. He sees us as running the business together and that he and I make a perfect team (again said today). His actions between our personal interactions all support his words.

 

I think Force's comments have a lot of truth in them for my situation. I think he is trying to portray himself as some kind of irresistible sex god. I do know he has an ego and he does make a point of telling me of compliments he gets (work related ones). I am there to boost his ego further still but to the detriment of my self respect.

 

I know it's only a matter of time (hours even) before he makes some other comment to me which is flirty or sexual in nature. I hope I remember how I feel now when in respond (or not respond) to that.

 

Me me me, him him him.

 

Do you care at all about what you're doing to your husband, who you supposedly love, or his wife, who he supposedly loves? Or kids, if any are involved?

 

You speak as if it's out of your control whether or not you answer his texts or get in a car with him. It's not. Take some f*cking responsibility for your actions. This is just as much your fault as it is his. Yes he's being manipulative, but you KNOW this, and you're going along with it. Blame low self esteem as much as you want but these are still YOUR actions. You are willingly doing this.

 

Why won't you stop this?

[whichwayisup]

I just want to slap this guy! It's all a game to him! Inviting you to his car so he can wait for you to make a move on him so he can reject you? It's just a power trip for him. And each time he wins the game. Do you want him to keep winning? At the expense of your marriage and your H?

 

He may admire you professionally as you say but he doesn't CARE for you. It's all about him.

 

It's a game to her as well! Neither are any better or worse than the other. Neither are a victim, they're both choosing this!

 

There's no love, no real respect, it's about ego stroking and feeling good in the heat of the moment, ALL on the expense of their spouses.

[lftbehind]

That's just it Grapes. In the moment, I don't see the manipulation. I enjoy being with him and how he makes me feel. Yet away from him, I feel used and foolish at times.

 

I need to remember how I feel now when I am back in work.

 

Why do you enjoy being with him and how can you like the way he makes you feel? He's abusive psychologically to you.

[Jersey born raised]

Early on you mentioned guilt and you had read threads in the infidelity forum. You stated you were shocked at the pain and devastation. I understand you are trying to fight your way out of a fog. That somehow the repercussions when the adultery is exposed seem somehow not real. You understand intellectually but not emotionally.

 

At some point they will try to be prepared at some level by reading some books such as how to help your spouse heal, his needs - her needs among others often recommend.

 

Another issue do you have children? If so are they in the home?

[Messy Lady]

I did not wear special underwear. I did not get in the back seat with home. I did not take anything off. I do not text him.

 

As far as I am concerned, this is over. I have had enough of this. I am not sitting here thinking I am some poor helpless victim. I am exactly where I put myself. He apologised to me yesterday and I told him he had nothing to apologise for me (well not to me anyway). Yes he has said bad things but I don't think the dynamic between him and I is coming across. We are always joking with each other and that is how some things are said. I'm not trying to be nice about him, I'm trying to clarify my role in this. I have encouraged all this. I have wanted my ego stroked too. I have played a game as well.

 

I don't want this to continue though. It's unhealthy and wrong. I do love my husband and I do feel bad about what I have been doing behind his back. He is too good for me. I need to make myself a better person for him.

 

As for work, I have to face that. I do think he will do his push/pull thing again and I need to stop being passive to that. I need to be strong again. I know he and I can have an excellent and respectful working relationship and I need to keep it focused on that. He and I will have a laugh and fun on the way but we have to stop what we have been doing.

[Messy Lady]

Early on you mentioned guilt and you had read threads in the infidelity forum. You stated you were shocked at the pain and devastation. I understand you are trying to fight your way out of a fog. That somehow the repercussions when the adultery is exposed seem somehow not real. You understand intellectually but not emotionally.

 

At some point they will try to be prepared at some level by reading some books such as how to help your spouse heal, his needs - her needs among others often recommend.

 

Another issue do you have children? If so are they in the home?

 

I think you are right Jersey. I get it intellectually but not emotionally yet. I'm trying to get there and I do have some books to read which have been mentioned on this site.

 

I don't have children. He does but all have left home and have children of their own.

[Jersey born raised]

I am posting this separately because it is the biggest threat to you now.

 

You need to protect your job. It is very much at risk. Don't say but I do a great job and he respects me professionally. There is aiways a reason to let someone go or transfer them to a dead end position and then terminate.

 

The number one reason your job is at risk is because HIS JOB IS AT RISK ! You work for him. This is a huge no no in any company. The risk of a lawsuit will force him to fire you to protect his job.

 

There is a reason for the feminist movement, just as there are reasons for unions. My great uncle was Irish catholic and worked for Ford from almost day one. He could have told you stories that you would shake your head and say no way.

You may find out the hard way about the good old days in the work force.

 

Protect yourself

[lftbehind]

I did not wear special underwear. I did not get in the back seat with home. I did not take anything off. I do not text him.

 

As far as I am concerned, this is over. I have had enough of this. I am not sitting here thinking I am some poor helpless victim. I am exactly where I put myself. He apologised to me yesterday and I told him he had nothing to apologise for me (well not to me anyway). Yes he has said bad things but I don't think the dynamic between him and I is coming across. We are always joking with each other and that is how some things are said. I'm not trying to be nice about him, I'm trying to clarify my role in this. I have encouraged all this. I have wanted my ego stroked too. I have played a game as well.

 

I don't want this to continue though. It's unhealthy and wrong. I do love my husband and I do feel bad about what I have been doing behind his back. He is too good for me. I need to make myself a better person for him.

 

As for work, I have to face that. I do think he will do his push/pull thing again and I need to stop being passive to that. I need to be strong again. I know he and I can have an excellent and respectful working relationship and I need to keep it focused on that. He and I will have a laugh and fun on the way but we have to stop what we have been doing.

 

You just don't get it.

[TaraMaiden2]

I did not wear special underwear. I did not get in the back seat with home. I did not take anything off. I do not text him.

 

As far as I am concerned, this is over. I have had enough of this. I am not sitting here thinking I am some poor helpless victim. I am exactly where I put myself. He apologised to me yesterday and I told him he had nothing to apologise for me (well not to me anyway). Yes he has said bad things but I don't think the dynamic between him and I is coming across. We are always joking with each other and that is how some things are said. I'm not trying to be nice about him, I'm trying to clarify my role in this. I have encouraged all this. I have wanted my ego stroked too. I have played a game as well.

 

I don't want this to continue though. It's unhealthy and wrong. I do love my husband and I do feel bad about what I have been doing behind his back. He is too good for me. I need to make myself a better person for him.

 

As for work, I have to face that. I do think he will do his push/pull thing again and I need to stop being passive to that. I need to be strong again. I know he and I can have an excellent and respectful working relationship and I need to keep it focused on that. He and I will have a laugh and fun on the way but we have to stop what we have been doing.

 

You need to stand in front of a mirror and practise a word, over, and over, and over, and over again.

That word is 'No'.

 

No, No, No, No, No.

 

Keep practising it, until it rolls off your tongue as easily as ice-cream off a hot spoon.

Then the next time he makes any comment or suggestion, which would ensnare you yet again into the trap of his warped perception, it will rise in your throat and be spoken, before you can even think of succumbing to his will.