Is He with Another Woman?

[bettydaviseyez]

Hope I'm in the right place for this here. Ok, my hubs had issues with pornography use for many years. I would say he is addicted since it had been going on since high school. He is now in his 40's. This has been a huge problem for me. He got help for his addiction but not much. He won't accept it. This led to us separating multiple times. I got help for my crazy (anyone married to a porn/sex addict knows what I am talking about), and I have been doing well. We have been back together since last August.

 

This entire time, up until January he was wonderful. In January he just sorta crashed and went into his own world. Totally distant, withdrawn and not so nice. This lasted for three weeks, and he told me it was because he was mad about something I didn't do. I asked him if he was using porn again and he said no.

 

He gets better and normalcy abounds until March. He distances himself again and becomes sort of angry. In his work van he had a pair of red women's reading glasses. I asked them where they came from. He told me one of the companies he works for asked him to return them to mechanic Rick. I can't see big, burly mechanic Rick wearing these glasses. No way. In fact, they were a little small for my head. Needless to say I wasn't happy about these glasses and he knew it.

 

He had the glasses for another four days and suddenly they were gone. I asked where they went and he said he threw them away. Rick never got his glasses back. I know he seen Rick at work during that time.

 

Another day he came home and wanted oral sex. Big stinky mechanics don't get oral sex until they shower. He was teasing me a lot and so I thought, well, I will smell it and if it isn't too bad I will make the sacrifice. When I smelled it there was a latex smell by his balls. I told him and he said no it didn't smell. It smelled.

 

Almost all of his boxers have semen stains all over them. I do the laundry and I notice. I said something about it and suddenly boxers squeaky clean. After a few weeks of squeaky the stains are appearing again.

 

His Google Drive was open on his phone and there was one porn pic in there. I asked him about it, and he said I must have put it there. Refuses to own it. The few weeks prior to me seeing that pic he was in his email every single day. strange because he never uses that old address for anything. Just odd.

 

He never has an internet history on his phone. Ever. Maybe a few look ups for truck parts. I suggested he may be using private browser. He said oh what is that. I said you know exactly what it is but for fun I will show you. I open up his phone in front of him. I go to the menu to pull p private browser. I said, "I think that's it right there, but I can't read it because of that big black splotch on the screen." He says that's where his button rubs from his pocket on the phone. No way he can keep his phone in his top pocket. It's huge and besides it could fall into an engine. I rub the splotch and say 'oh it's grease like a finger mark. What an odd place to have one since you never go to private browser.'

 

That's enough and all I can think of right now. No matter what comes up it wasn't him or it doesn't look like what it might be. He never did anything. Innocent all the way. I think he has relapsed, but he is not going to admit it. I can't figure out if he is just masturbating while he is at work or is there someone involved. He hasn't used any of our money for anything, so if something requires payment I think he may sell tools.

 

I don't want to be the lady after 30 years on a forum like this telling women like me to run before it's too late.

[oldshirt]

When you say he is/was addicted to porn, what does that mean to you? How was his addiction manifesting itself and what was the impact it was having?

[oldshirt]

As far as your concerns of an affair, you do not have a smoking gun yet.

 

Cheaters notoriously do not use condoms so unless he is screwing some nasty streetwalker, it's unlikely you were smelling a condom.

 

And even if he was using condoms, he'd have to be a complete moron not to shower and scrub with perfumed bleach and a wire brush before even letting you near his junk. Most cheaters shower before going home.

 

The glasses may or may not be evidence.

 

I don't know why a guy would have semen in his skivvies if he was cheating.

 

The thing that is important here with all this circumstantial evidence is you have to keep your mouth shut and stop asking him about it. All you are doing is tipping him off and making him go deeper underground and cover his tracks better if he is cheating and it will make you look crazy and paranoid if he isn't. Also, when you ask without knowing the answer, that gives him an opportunity to give you cover stories and you have no evidence to counter it.

 

You need to keep your mouth shut and your eyes open and go into investigation mode. Use investigation not interrogation. Go through his phone, his computers, vehicles and any other place he may stash stuff. Go through phone bills and credit card and bank accounts etc.

 

Place voice activated recorders in his car and any other place he may have private conversations.

 

Nothing you have so far is a smoking gun but I have the feeling that you confront him so much about things, he is used to it and has a story for everything you can come up with.

 

Has he ever actually cheated before??

[Jersey born raised]

It does seems you should just file and walk, but old shirt's questions are valid. Also if you have children what are there ages.

[bettydaviseyez]

When you say he is/was addicted to porn, what does that mean to you? How was his addiction manifesting itself and what was the impact it was having?

His porn addiction has been around for 30 years. He would secretly watch porn for hours and hours and masturbate and lie about it. He did everything he could to hide it, but it would always come out somehow. He eventually admitted to the addiction, sought help but didn't follow with any of the help for very long. Suddenly, he was cured. Just like that. Cured.

[bettydaviseyez]

As far as your concerns of an affair, you do not have a smoking gun yet.

 

Cheaters notoriously do not use condoms so unless he is screwing some nasty streetwalker, it's unlikely you were smelling a condom.

 

And even if he was using condoms, he'd have to be a complete moron not to shower and scrub with perfumed bleach and a wire brush before even letting you near his junk. Most cheaters shower before going home.

 

The glasses may or may not be evidence.

 

I don't know why a guy would have semen in his skivvies if he was cheating.

 

The thing that is important here with all this circumstantial evidence is you have to keep your mouth shut and stop asking him about it. All you are doing is tipping him off and making him go deeper underground and cover his tracks better if he is cheating and it will make you look crazy and paranoid if he isn't. Also, when you ask without knowing the answer, that gives him an opportunity to give you cover stories and you have no evidence to counter it.

 

You need to keep your mouth shut and your eyes open and go into investigation mode. Use investigation not interrogation. Go through his phone, his computers, vehicles and any other place he may stash stuff. Go through phone bills and credit card and bank accounts etc.

 

Place voice activated recorders in his car and any other place he may have private conversations.

 

Nothing you have so far is a smoking gun but I have the feeling that you confront him so much about things, he is used to it and has a story for everything you can come up with.

 

Has he ever actually cheated before??

I don't really think he has another woman, but I also don't want to be stupid and turn a blind eye. I think he is back into his masturbation/porn addiction. That can lead to other things. Maybe not. I just hate that he is stuck in this world. I hate that if this addiction has, again, reared its ugly head, I will have no choice to say it's me or your addiction, and I don't want to do that. I wish he would just tell the truth, but the truth is foreign to an addict. It's scary. Truth will keep me here. Lies and all the drama will pull me away.

You asked if he had ever cheated on me before. I would say no, but I don't really know. he had much opportunity overseas, and he is so good at lying and covering his own tracks that it would be very hard to know. I could show him a video of him having sex with another woman, and he would say 'that's not me'.

 

 

I hate investigative mode, but I think you are right. That's what I need to do. I am super open and honest, and I like to air things out immediately. I hate holding it all in. That's why I asked him about the few things I did ask him. I'm going to have to be quiet. You are correct. I am not trying to nail him for the sake of acting like his mom. I just want some honesty and to know what I am dealing with.

[bettydaviseyez]

It does seems you should just file and walk, but old shirt's questions are valid. Also if you have children what are there ages.

We have 12 children. 11 of them are adults and out of the house. Our 14 year old lives with us. The whole trip through the addiction days really put a stress on the entire family. Nobody is healed from it even yet.

[EMT girl]

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what exactly the problem is. You don't want him to look at Pornography and masturbate?

 

Was he doing that and nothing else, like working, eating, etc?

 

IMO, porn and masturbation are normal for most males and many females. If he's doing that and not another woman, heck, I'd say you're doing OK.

[sandylee1]

You have to stop tipping him off about your suspicions or you'll never get solid evidence, you need to be smarter than that.

 

He's clearly hiding whatever he looks at online and there is a small chance he used a condom. The smell of latex is quite obvious when you go down there.

 

Next time... say nothing and keep your eyes open. Plant a VAR in his car. If you have access to the phone bill... then check and see if there are frequently called numbers.

 

Having just come across a website dedicated to cheaters, some of who have proudly cheated almost the entire marriage .... I just think

you should go into investigation mode, but act like you are relaxed and trusting him again.

 

Check his pockets and wallets for condoms and receipts as well.

 

I'm not buying the story about the glasses at all. If the glasses didn't fit you then they wouldn't fit your average man, unless he's super slender with a narrow face. Do you know Rick? Does he work with your husband? If so try and find out his surname and look him up on FB.

[elaine567]

I'm not buying the story about the glasses at all. If the glasses didn't fit you then they wouldn't fit your average man, unless he's super slender with a narrow face. Do you know Rick? Does he work with your husband? If so try and find out his surname and look him up on FB.

NO need he is a "big burly mechanic" with obviously a very small head...

[sandylee1]

NO need he is a "big burly mechanic" with obviously a very small head...

 

Oh yeah... I missed that.

 

Those glasses weren't Rick's. Time to become Sherlock Holmes.