Is anyone into The Swinging Lifestyle?

[Davzgirl1]

Don't know if this is the correct forum?

My ltr (boyfriend) and I are considering trying the lifestyle. Anyone have any experience with it? Thoughts?

 

Thanks in advance!

[CarrieT]

Several of us are/have been with varying success and failure.

 

For me, my first husband and I were *very* active. It was thirty years ago and backfired when I came home early from work and found my husband having sex with other men - something NOT part of the arrangement.

 

I know a lot of swingers. Some have had 20- and 30-year marriages where it has worked. For them - and others - it only works in stable relationships where complete and total honesty exists. There is also a complete and total lack of any insecurities and jealousy.

[Davzgirl1]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Several of us are/have been with varying success and failure.

 

For me, my first husband and I were *very* active. It was thirty years ago and backfired when I came home early from work and found my husband having sex with other men - something NOT part of the arrangement.

 

I know a lot of swingers. Some have had 20- and 30-year marriages where it has worked. For them - and others - it only works in stable relationships where complete and total honesty exists. There is also a complete and total lack of any insecurities and jealousy.

[road]

Infidelity forums are filled with stories where the spouses went to an open marriage, rules were made, then rules broken, which led to cheating, followed by a divorce.

[central]

Have been doing this (with some breaks) for the last 8 years. It's a lot of fun, overall, but there are occasional problems when you encounter a couple that has problems or is deceptive. But that's their issue, not ours.

 

IMO, there should be few rules, and only those you mutually agree are really important. It's about having fun sexual experiences of a kind you don't get together, or different personalities or body types. There should not be any threat from anyone - you go home together, after all, but have experienced something or someone different (or maybe similar - who knows?).

 

If you communicate and are open with each other, this can just be fun and nothing more. We like variety - and f*cking other people just reinforces how lucky we are to have each other, knowing we really care and are the best overall.

[oldshirt]

As was mentioned above, there are a few of us that have experience ranging from occasional encounters to very active long term involvement in the lifestyle.

 

Did you have any specific questions or concerns?

[TrustedthenBusted]

My only experience with it is watching other people try it, and destroy their marriages and families in the process.

 

I'm sure it it pulled off successfully in some cases, but my guess is if you are using it to solve some sort of problem, it will prove to only create more.

[oldshirt]

 

I'm sure it it pulled off successfully in some cases, but my guess is if you are using it to solve some sort of problem, it will prove to only create more.

 

Swinging is not therapy and it is not a fix for marital or sexual problems.

 

It often acts as an amplifier that amplifies the state of the relationship. If the R is rocky and has has problems, those cracks in the foundation will be stretched wider.

 

If the R is solid, the communication is good and the marital sex is satisfying, swinging can add another level of stimulation and excitement.

[oldshirt]

Infidelity forums are filled with stories where the spouses went to an open marriage, rules were made, then rules broken, which led to cheating, followed by a divorce.

 

Any time the subject of swinging is brought up, the topic of cheating usually follows immediately.

 

Swinging and cheating are two different concepts that are really independent of each other.

 

Cheater neither causes nor prevents cheating.

 

Cheating is an act of selfishness and entitlement without regard to the other party's feelings. If someone is selfish and entitled and doesn't respect others feelings, they are going to cheat whether in a swinging relationship or a monogamous one.

 

Cheating is about breaking the rules of the relationship. Swinging will neither prevent that nor enable it.

 

Didn't Taylor Swift have a song about that? - "cheaters gonna cheat cheat cheat cheat cheat cheat...l

 

Cheaters cheat because they're cheaters, not because they're swingers. Someone that will cheat in a swinging relationship will cheat in a traditional one just as well.

 

An honest, trustworthy person won't in either.

[oldshirt]

.....maybe this is a more concise way to word it- swinging will not change someone's core character or make them do something they wouldn't otherwise do.

 

If they are a good, trustworthy committed person, swinging won't change them into a cheater.

 

If they are selfish, entitled and disrespectful of their partner and of their relationship, it won't make them faithful.

[dichotomy]

There is also a complete and total lack of any insecurities and jealousy.

 

No experience with me - but

 

Beyond this - which seems tough...I would think a person or persons in life style need to be able to complete separate feelings of bonding or attachment from sexual acts.

 

At least some of the stories I have read of swinging not working were based on someone "falling" for a person that was initially just going to be a fun romp. It was not they they did not like their spouse or had major issues - they just bonded stronger with someone new ? Or they settle for a particular couple because the bonds started.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

Cheaters cheat because they're cheaters, not because they're swingers. Someone that will cheat in a swinging relationship will cheat in a traditional one just as well.

 

An honest, trustworthy person won't in either.

 

I agree in principal. But I think we're talking about unicorns here.

[oldshirt]

No experience with me - but

 

Beyond this - which seems tough...I would think a person or persons in life style need to be able to complete separate feelings of bonding or attachment from sexual acts.

 

At least some of the stories I have read of swinging not working were based on someone "falling" for a person that was initially just going to be a fun romp. It was not they they did not like their spouse or had major issues - they just bonded stronger with someone new ? Or they settle for a particular couple because the bonds started.

 

It can be a fine line to walk and solid boundaries are critical.

 

In my experience and what I have observed in the lifestyle community is very few people are as mercenary and as compartmentalized between sex and feelings as what most non swingers think they are.

 

I will go as far as to say most of the average every day people I encountered in the lifestyle did want to have a certain degree of "feelings" and friendships etc with their playmates. I could probably count on one or two hands the number of playmates that we ever had that wanted a purely physical experience and then exit stage left. Almost all wanted some form of ongoing FWBs or couple's friendship.

 

The friendships and affections that can come in the lifestyle can be very real. ....and many of the people do want that to one degree or another.

 

It's all about communication and boundaries and being ready, willing and able to enforce those boundaries.

[Emilia]

No experience with me - but

 

Beyond this - which seems tough...I would think a person or persons in life style need to be able to complete separate feelings of bonding or attachment from sexual acts.

 

At least some of the stories I have read of swinging not working were based on someone "falling" for a person that was initially just going to be a fun romp. It was not they they did not like their spouse or had major issues - they just bonded stronger with someone new ? Or they settle for a particular couple because the bonds started.

 

I think it's unrealistic to expect that people's boundaries remain firm, no matter what. Which is why I presume many couples stop.

[oldshirt]

I agree in principal. But I think we're talking about unicorns here.

 

What do you mean?

[Miss Peach]

I've only been on the other side of it - it was never part of my primary relationship. For the couples I met, it seemed to be other issues that broke up the relationships such as poor treatment, alcohol abuse, etc. Nothing to do with swinging per se. I've also seen several relationships where it worked well and the couple couldn't envision doing monogamy ever again.

[dichotomy]

It can be a fine line to walk and solid boundaries are critical.

 

In my experience and what I have observed in the lifestyle community is very few people are as mercenary and as compartmentalized between sex and feelings as what most non swingers think they are.

 

I will go as far as to say most of the average every day people I encountered in the lifestyle did want to have a certain degree of "feelings" and friendships etc with their playmates. I could probably count on one or two hands the number of playmates that we ever had that wanted a purely physical experience and then exit stage left. Almost all wanted some form of ongoing FWBs or couple's friendship.

 

The friendships and affections that can come in the lifestyle can be very real. ....and many of the people do want that to one degree or another.

 

It's all about communication and boundaries and being ready, willing and able to enforce those boundaries.

 

 

Hmm

 

So if your moving from random swinging at a club with who ever- to settling in with another couple for more exlusive? bonded? sex. Whats the line between this and say "polyamory" arrangements.

 

Is it some modest level of fondness but not love..how to do manage those feelings from not exceeding some level - when there is sex and some feelings. How do you know when your feelings have crossed a line from minor friendship and affection to love like feelings. Does one of you feel more fondness for the others spouse than the other?

 

Trying to understand because its all so foreign to my sexuality wiring. I am confused.

[oldshirt]

Hmm

 

So if your moving from random swinging at a club with who ever- to settling in with another couple for more exlusive? bonded? sex. Whats the line between this and say "polyamory" arrangements.

 

Is it some modest level of fondness but not love..how to do manage those feelings from not exceeding some level - when there is sex and some feelings. How do you know when your feelings have crossed a line from minor friendship and affection to love like feelings. Does one of you feel more fondness for the others spouse than the other?

 

Trying to understand because its all so foreign to my sexuality wiring. I am confused.

 

I'm not sure my meager intellect and my own wiring can answer those questions either, even though I have been their/done that.

 

You are asking to define human emotions and human sexuality and marital dynamics between millions of couples. If that can be defined and explained, it will take someone of much higher brains and awareness than me.

 

The answers in no particular order to the questions you asked are yes, no, some times and maybe.

[jen1447]

So if your moving from random swinging at a club with who ever- to settling in with another couple for more exlusive? bonded? sex. Whats the line between this and say "polyamory" arrangements.

 

Swinging is couples or groups sharing partners with each other for sex, usually in a semi-controlled environment (swingers clubs etc.). Polyamory is a person having more than one romantic partner/relationship. The two really have nothing to do with each other. Swinging would have more in common with open relationships, tho those tend to be ungoverned by any 'scene' or clique guidelines or constraints, unlike swinging.

[dichotomy]

Swinging is couples or groups sharing partners with each other for sex, usually in a semi-controlled environment (swingers clubs etc.). Polyamory is a person having more than one romantic partner/relationship. The two really have nothing to do with each other. Swinging would have more in common with open relationships, tho those tend to be ungoverned by any 'scene' or clique guidelines or constraints, unlike swinging.

 

So if a swinger couple - kind of settles in with another swinger couple - engage in sex and general affection - outside of the club - lets say having a barbecues on the patio of their home - or going to B&B's for the weekend and swaping. Thats more of a transition to an open relationship? But not love or poly.

 

I am still confused.

 

Again from my perspective I kinda sorta get the stereotypical view I have in my mind of showing up to a specific club or something and having "a go" with your favorite work out partners and then heading home. Like the gym...but when affection and some bonding happen and it moves home..

 

Just trying to understand - maybe I can't.

Edited April 11, 2016 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

Hmm

 

So if your moving from random swinging at a club with who ever- .

 

I will say this though - it is never "random with whoever".

 

 

This is another image that the lay public has that is largely a myth. The selection of playmates is far from random and indescriminate although it may appear that way to the casual observer.

 

People are often painstakingly selective in who they play with but their criteria may be completely different than their selection criteria for dating or a spouse. ....and it will be vastly different than who the Aunt Petunia from Ohio would pick for them.

 

Picking play partners in swinging is based almost solely on physical attraction and interpersonal chemistry. And either of those can be fluid and completely unique to that individual.

 

It may be kinky and it may unexpected to others, but it is anything but random and indescriminate.

[dichotomy]

By the way - sorry if I am offending or annoying anyone in the lifestyle with my questions. Its not my intent.

[jen1447]

So if a swinger couple - kind of settles in with another swinger couple - engage in sex and general affection - outside of the club - lets say having a barbecues on the patio of their home - or going to B&B's for the weekend and swaping. Thats more of a transition to an open relationship? But not love or poly.

 

I am still confused.

 

Again from my perspective I kinda sorta get the stereotypical view I have in my mind of showing up to a specific club or something and having "a go" with your favorite work out partners and then heading home. Like the gym...but when affection and some bonding happen and it moves home..

 

Just trying to understand - maybe I can't.

 

I suppose it's possible that swingers could become poly but that's not the stereotypical swinger. It would mean that the opposite partners literally started romantic relationships with each other. (Put it this way - I don't know any poly swingers.)

 

Much more common would just be that they become friends who also still happen to have sex w/each other.

 

Again, remember that swinging is a very specific thing that describes a sexual behavior. It's not a sexuality or an orientation. It's a lifestyle.

 

Not really all that complicated.

[oldshirt]

Swinging is couples or groups sharing partners with each other for sex, usually in a semi-controlled environment (swingers clubs etc.). Polyamory is a person having more than one romantic partner/relationship. The two really have nothing to do with each other. Swinging would have more in common with open relationships, tho those tend to be ungoverned by any 'scene' or clique guidelines or constraints, unlike swinging.

 

My definition is swinging is something that a couple does together as part of their own sexual experience as a couple. It is something they do together for a higher level of stimulation and excitement within the marital bed.

 

Poly is three or more people within an ongoing relationship. These can be long term and exclusive or they can be of shorter duration and open.

 

Open marriage is where one or both members of the couple are able to date/have sex/have relationship(s) with others with consent and under various parameters.

 

 

I do not believe the line between those things are solid though. I think for many people the lines between swinging, poly and open are very permeable and amorphous.

 

That is why it is so difficult to answer Dichotomy's questions on definitions.

[dichotomy]

 

Again, remember that swinging is a very specific thing that describes a sexual behavior. It's not a sexuality or an orientation. It's a lifestyle.

 

 

hmmm.. Interesting - might debate that. In fact it has been mentioned in other topics.

 

I think you need to have a certain inherent sexual (mind set or something) to engage in this "lifestyle". It might be a choice, but maybe not - I think its one that requires a certain something inherent in the individual.

 

Is monogamy a choice ? or are some people simply wired for that sexual expression?

 

Its new world of terms and definitions these days.

 

Note moderating myself - I have drifted off topic. Sorry OP and Moderators. I will end this tangent.

Edited April 11, 2016 by dichotomy