Is anyone into The Swinging Lifestyle?

[oldshirt]

Really? You don't think the history of poor eating habits and the lack of self control around temptation that lead to the need for the diet has any bearing on their chances of success? As a competitive athlete and former trainer, I assure you, it does.

 

I think Swinging is along similar lines. Clearly single-partner monogamy isn't enough, and the desire for multiple partners would need to be pretty strong to even get into that lifestyle, given the increased chances for STDs and unwanted pregnancies. So a history of avoiding sexual constraints, to me, would seem like something that would make it ever so much easier to tip toe across the line.

 

Again. I'm basing this on what I've seen, which has been a number of relationships fold over failed attempts at swinging. Maybe there is a larger number who are into it successfully and I just don't know it.

 

 

In any case, I don't judge anyone who wants and accepts that lifestyle. I can certainly appreciate the benefits. Who wouldn't?

 

I just struggle to believe that it's in any is morally or ethically superior to monogamy, or that it offers any layer of protection above a single-partner monogamous relationship as implied elsewhere in this thread.

 

There are millions of happy swingers that aren't having any problems. They are sitting by you in church, at your meetings at work and at your kid's ballgames.

 

The reason you don't hear about the happy swingers is because of people's judgementaism and prejudice that makes them think they are bad people just because they do things a little different in bed.

 

People who are doing well in the lifestyle keep their private life private so they can keep doing it without judgement and prejudice from people who know nothing about the lifestyle or have personal biases against it.

 

People who have had a bad experience will seek couseling or come to forums like this to share their problems.

 

In other words you hear about the few that have problems. You

Don't hear from the millions that are perfectly happy and having a good time.

[road]

 

I am not familiar with the case you cite above but I can say right off the bat that it was doomed from the start since she was pushed into it from the beginning and did not want to do it.

 

 

No specific case is cited. Countless times over the years I have read where a BH posted this very scenario.

 

 

Basically the way all affairs are the same. Basically these BH's thought an open marriage was a great idea until their WW divorced them and moved in the OM to be the step dad.

 

 

Playing with fire is always dangerous. Professional firework makers are killed on the job because something unforeseen happens.

 

 

Opening a marriage allows for too many unforeseen things to go wrong.

 

 

Bringing in another person/s into a marriage is always dangerous.

[oldshirt]

No specific case is cited. Countless times over the years I have read where a BH posted this very scenario.

 

 

Basically the way all affairs are the same. Basically these BH's thought an open marriage was a great idea until their WW divorced them and moved in the OM to be the step dad.

 

 

Playing with fire is always dangerous. Professional firework makers are killed on the job because something unforeseen happens.

 

 

Opening a marriage allows for too many unforeseen things to go wrong.

 

 

Bringing in another person/s into a marriage is always dangerous.

 

Swinging carries some inherent risks. So does monogamy.

 

Read through all these forums and you will come across a few accounts here and there where someone ran off with a swing partner. I think I've read 3 or 4 in the several years I've been on here.

 

Then read the hundreds of accounts of sexless marriages where people are dying a little bit more each day being starved of any affection and intimacy.

 

Then read the hundreds and hundreds where someone's spouse is having an affair or leaving them for a coworker/neighbor/friend/someone at the bar etc.

 

You can not avoid or eliminate risk, it's all in how you want to try to manage it.

 

You can play it conservative and traditional and be strictly monogamous and risk boredom and frustration loss of desire and endure a sexless marriage untill you find out your spouse is banging a coworker while you sit home.

 

Or you can get out and party it up and have the time of your lives and run the risk of someone falling for a swing partner some day.

 

There is risk in everything. Monogamy doesn't eliminate the risk of cheating an moe than swinging causes it. And swinging doesn't eliminate the risk of cheating any more than monogamy causes it.

[oldshirt]

Here is something that I do think causes some people to draw the line and it is how they view their role in risk management.

 

Let's someone wants to try swinging but they are worried about their partner falling for a playmate.

 

They realize on an intellectual level that their spouse could fall for someone at work or the bar just as readily.

 

But they fell for a swing partner, they would feel responsible for it since they brought it up or at least went along with it if their spouse brought it up.

 

If their spouse cheated with a coworker, then they could at least point fingers and say it was all on them and that they had no role in how they met.

 

I get that. I get some people would rather play the martyr and say they were home being the dutiful spouse while their partner was boinking a coworker.

 

But some people would rather be out there living it up and getting the most out of life rather than being chumped sitting at home wondering why their spouse was taking so long getting home from work.

[ShatteredLady]

I've never been involved but I've spoken to a friend who has & a lady in a poly relationship. What I've noticed with both (happy, successful) is they have FANTASTIC communication.

 

It worries me if one partner has to be talked into it. It worries me if there are marriage issues.

 

If a couple are incredibly close & great at communicating, love eachother dearly & BOTH just want some extra fun for a while...I've known it work very well.

 

Note - They got bored of it. Had kids. Got older & just stopped & returned to a very successful monogamous marriage.

[dichotomy]

Let's someone wants to try swinging but they are worried about their partner falling for a playmate.

 

They realize on an intellectual level that their spouse could fall for someone at work or the bar just as readily.

.

 

 

I get your argument here for some folks.

 

but...with many folks sex creates a special bonding chemical and emotions. Its an intimate act for some - and takes them down the path easier to falling in love with someone.

 

On the other hand if they can separate some level of emotions and they are strongly bonded to their spouse perhaps the swinging is a release valve to avoid an actual affair.

 

I am thinking it really really depends on the individual make up - how they are wired.

[TrustedthenBusted]

.. perhaps the swinging is a release valve to avoid an actual affair.

 

 

To me, swinging is just an affair that you have to watch. No thanks.

[road]

Here is something that I do think causes some people to draw the line and it is how they view their role in risk management.

 

Let's someone wants to try swinging but they are worried about their partner falling for a playmate.

 

They realize on an intellectual level that their spouse could fall for someone at work or the bar just as readily.

 

But they fell for a swing partner, they would feel responsible for it since they brought it up or at least went along with it if their spouse brought it up.

 

If their spouse cheated with a coworker, then they could at least point fingers and say it was all on them and that they had no role in how they met.

 

I get that. I get some people would rather play the martyr and say they were home being the dutiful spouse while their partner was boinking a coworker.

 

But some people would rather be out there living it up and getting the most out of life rather than being chumped sitting at home wondering why their spouse was taking so long getting home from work.

 

 

 

Apples to oranges?

 

 

This is not even apples to rocks. Being tempted to have an affair with a co-worker can be resisted. God co-worker is hot, but I'm not going there.

 

 

Having sex on the side when in an open marriage has just removed all barriers and made breaking all dating rules broken and having an affair then finishing up with a divorce all to easy. God co-worker is hot and it turns out sex with them is the best ever. Sorry BH you are done.

[BettyDraper]

Really? You don't think the history of poor eating habits and the lack of self control around temptation that lead to the need for the diet has any bearing on their chances of success? As a competitive athlete and former trainer, I assure you, it does.

 

I think Swinging is along similar lines. Clearly single-partner monogamy isn't enough, and the desire for multiple partners would need to be pretty strong to even get into that lifestyle, given the increased chances for STDs and unwanted pregnancies. So a history of avoiding sexual constraints, to me, would seem like something that would make it ever so much easier to tip toe across the line.

 

Again. I'm basing this on what I've seen, which has been a number of relationships fold over failed attempts at swinging. Maybe there is a larger number who are into it successfully and I just don't know it.

 

 

In any case, I don't judge anyone who wants and accepts that lifestyle. I can certainly appreciate the benefits. Who wouldn't?

 

I just struggle to believe that it's in any is morally or ethically superior to monogamy, or that it offers any layer of protection above a single-partner monogamous relationship as implied elsewhere in this thread.

 

Why do you assume that monogamy is the only moral and ethical way to conduct a relationship?

 

My husband and I are a traditional monogamous couple. We would never open our marriage. However, I don't assume that monogamy is best for everyone just because that is the "norm". I try to learn as much as I can about alternative forms of sexuality rather than applying my personal beliefs to every given situation.

 

I think you do harshly judge couples that swing. It's very obvious in the way that you've worded your posts in this thread. I'm noticing that you are taking your misconceptions about that lifestyle as facts. It seems like you don't understand the difference between swinging and cheating.

Edited April 14, 2016 by BettyDraper

[BettyDraper]

I get your argument here for some folks.

 

but...with many folks sex creates a special bonding chemical and emotions. Its an intimate act for some - and takes them down the path easier to falling in love with someone.

 

On the other hand if they can separate some level of emotions and they are strongly bonded to their spouse perhaps the swinging is a release valve to avoid an actual affair.

 

I am thinking it really really depends on the individual make up - how they are wired.

 

This. The sex that I enjoy with my husband is incomparably unique in that it strengthens our bond as a married couple. I am not the kind of person who finds it easy to separate emotions from sex. My husband thinks that married sex is strictly for two people and I agree with him. There is no way we could share each other with another couple.

 

With all that being said, both of us realize that not every couple chooses to approach their sex life the way we do. We're both pretty open minded and tolerant people.

[road]

Why do you assume that monogamy is the only moral and ethical way to conduct a relationship?

 

My husband and I are a traditional monogamous couple. We would never open our marriage. However, I don't assume that monogamy is best for everyone just because that is the "norm". I try to learn as much as I can about alternative forms of sexuality rather than applying my personal beliefs to every given situation.

 

I think you do harshly judge couples that swing. It's very obvious in the way that you've worded your posts in this thread. I'm noticing that you are taking your misconceptions about that lifestyle as facts. It seems like you don't understand the difference between swinging and cheating.

 

 

Because when you go through a green light you go forward because you feel safe. Yes people to run red lights but it is rare. Rare enough that the odds are that you will not get into a collision.

 

 

Most people do not run through red lights because they know that to do so is not safe. The odds are that they will get into a collision negating any benefit of jumping or running through a red light.

 

 

Having an open marriage is running through a red light. Some people get through. Most do not.

 

 

Having side sex with an endless variety of people when married sounds fun.

 

 

People get STD's when practicing safe sex. Some can not be cured.

 

 

What does the spouses do when in an open marriage and the W or H gets an incurable STD.

 

 

That leaves the W or H without the STD no longer having a spouse that they can have sex with. How do you have a marriage without sex from your spouse to stay bonded.

 

 

People on birth control have gotten pregnant. What does the H do when BC failed an the W is pregnant by her side man?

 

 

This forum is filled with people that will say divorce a WW when her OM knocked her up. So what are those same men are going to say when a wife gets pregnant in an open marriage and it is not the husbands child, divorce her now or you have to be cuckolded and raise wife's OC as your own.

 

 

The risks are not worth the rewards.

 

 

How about instead sex with new partners for more rewarding sex, couples should research new and better techniques to have more rewarding sex within the relationship.

 

 

We can send our questions to JEN1447 for a start.

[central]

Having side sex with an endless variety of people when married sounds fun.

 

 

People get STD's when practicing safe sex. Some can not be cured.

 

 

What does the spouses do when in an open marriage and the W or H gets an incurable STD.

 

 

That leaves the W or H without the STD no longer having a spouse that they can have sex with. How do you have a marriage without sex from your spouse to stay bonded.

 

 

People on birth control have gotten pregnant. What does the H do when BC failed an the W is pregnant by her side man?

 

Apparently, many people think the rewards are worth the risks, which in actuality are quite low. The STD stuff is largely fearmongering. There are only a couple of incurable STDs, and those can be managed so you don't transmit them to anyone else. Anyone who has one obviously shouldn't be putting others at risk, but there is virtually no risk of transmission to a spouse if the person is on modern meds. Their sex life can be unaffected.

 

Yes, pregnancy can be a risk, but also very low. Abortion is still legal, too, even though more difficult to obtain in some places. And many people who engage in swinging or open relationships are beyond child-bearing years anyway. I do agree that open relationships are the riskiest of the alternative types, but any alternative relationship that involves married people is less risky than any involving single people who are far more likely to have partners whose background they don't know. Having a long term partner greatly reduces the risks if you play with others who have the same. They have reason to be more careful, get tested periodically, and practice safer sex than most singles seem to do.

 

Anyway, your points are valid, just exaggerated considerably, IMO.

[BettyDraper]

Because when you go through a green light you go forward because you feel safe. Yes people to run red lights but it is rare. Rare enough that the odds are that you will not get into a collision.

 

 

Most people do not run through red lights because they know that to do so is not safe. The odds are that they will get into a collision negating any benefit of jumping or running through a red light.

 

 

Having an open marriage is running through a red light. Some people get through. Most do not.

 

 

Having side sex with an endless variety of people when married sounds fun.

 

 

People get STD's when practicing safe sex. Some can not be cured.

 

 

What does the spouses do when in an open marriage and the W or H gets an incurable STD.

 

 

That leaves the W or H without the STD no longer having a spouse that they can have sex with. How do you have a marriage without sex from your spouse to stay bonded.

 

 

People on birth control have gotten pregnant. What does the H do when BC failed an the W is pregnant by her side man?

 

 

This forum is filled with people that will say divorce a WW when her OM knocked her up. So what are those same men are going to say when a wife gets pregnant in an open marriage and it is not the husbands child, divorce her now or you have to be cuckolded and raise wife's OC as your own.

 

 

The risks are not worth the rewards.

 

 

How about instead sex with new partners for more rewarding sex, couples should research new and better techniques to have more rewarding sex within the relationship.

 

 

We can send our questions to JEN1447 for a start.

 

I'm not interested in dictating what other couples should do.

 

It's not my place to judge the sex lives of others.

[jen1447]

How about instead sex with new partners for more rewarding sex, couples should research new and better techniques to have more rewarding sex within the relationship.

 

 

We can send our questions to JEN1447 for a start.

 

Happy to help. Step 1 - add another player to the mix.

 

Srsly I've joined quite a few mono couples at some time or other in order to spice things up and it's almost always worked magically well. Even a one-time thing can add a charge to an otherwise mono couple's libido and leave them mainly just wanting each other once they're amped up about their sexuality again. In a way it's like having the courage to do sth like that wakes up their appetite and points it right back at each other.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Why do you assume that monogamy is the only moral and ethical way to conduct a relationship?

 

My husband and I are a traditional monogamous couple. We would never open our marriage. However, I don't assume that monogamy is best for everyone just because that is the "norm". I try to learn as much as I can about alternative forms of sexuality rather than applying my personal beliefs to every given situation.

 

I think you do harshly judge couples that swing. It's very obvious in the way that you've worded your posts in this thread. I'm noticing that you are taking your misconceptions about that lifestyle as facts. It seems like you don't understand the difference between swinging and cheating.

 

Sorry if I'm presenting my opinions in a way that is offensive. I don't mean to. And I truly don't judge swingers, although I've been clear that it's a choice that does not work for me. Doesn't mean I think my way is best. Hell...my way went to **** in a hurry.

 

I also don't believe monogamy is morally or ethically better or worse than swinging. That's not what I said. I was trying to be clear that I don't think swinging is necessarily "Superior" morally or ethically, to monogamy, as had been implied elsewhere in this thread.

 

I know the difference between swinging and cheating, and my suspicion is only that the swinging lifestyle is likely to attract an element of people seeking more opportunistic sex, and just as likely, if not more, to lead to someone not getting their invite.

 

There is a local swinger place here in San Diego, and thousands of horror stories that go along with it. Lots of marriages wrecked vis-a-vis the easy lovin one can get in that place. I know "traditional swingers" would try to distance themselves from this crowd...but it is what it is, and factors into my opinion.

[road]

which in actuality are quite low. Low risk is still not no risk

 

 

There are only a couple of incurable STDs, and those can be managed so you don't transmit them to anyone else. Then how do these get transmitted. And virtual means low risk not no risk.

 

 

Yes, pregnancy can be a risk, but also very low. Again low risk is not no risk. Again what to do when the wife becomes pregnant from the FB and the husband does not want this OC. Not to pay for, not to parent, and not to want the FB intruding that much in his married life because he wants to co-parent with the wife. One thing to let his wife spend an hour once in a while with a FB then totally another to have his wife interacting on a daily basis to co-parent.

 

 

To ignore the worse that can happen when making such a decision to have an open marriage is not wise decision making.

[BettyDraper]

which in actuality are quite low. Low risk is still not no risk

 

 

There are only a couple of incurable STDs, and those can be managed so you don't transmit them to anyone else. Then how do these get transmitted. And virtual means low risk not no risk.

 

 

Yes, pregnancy can be a risk, but also very low. Again low risk is not no risk. Again what to do when the wife becomes pregnant from the FB and the husband does not want this OC. Not to pay for, not to parent, and not to want the FB intruding that much in his married life because he wants to co-parent with the wife. One thing to let his wife spend an hour once in a while with a FB then totally another to have his wife interacting on a daily basis to co-parent.

 

 

To ignore the worse that can happen when making such a decision to have an open marriage is not wise decision making.

 

Very few endeavors in life are completely without risk.

 

I don't like the idea of applying my morals and beliefs to the marriages of other couples.

 

It appears that being against the swinging lifestyle can result in some pretty broad statements to justify opposing views. It's like fear mongering.

[oldshirt]

No one has suggested swinging carries no risk. If you want have no risk of STDs or pregnancy, lop off your parts and lock yourself away in a monastery/convent.

 

 

for some people the perceived risk is too great for the benefit and so they don't do it. That's fine, no one is knocking that.

 

 

Others believe the potential risks can be mitigated and managed enough that they feel comfortable enough to explore the benefits.

 

 

Either way, no one is suggesting there are no risks.

 

 

There are risks in everything we do during the course of a day from taking a shower, driving to work, doing our jobs, driving home etc etc.

 

 

And lets not forget that somewhere out there today, someone has caught an STD from a spouse that they thought was faithful or it was an infection that was previously undetected. And millions of monogamous couples have unexpected pregnancies every year.

 

 

Personally I think the arguments are getting a little silly here. It's starting to sound like jr high sex ed class when the rubber lady from Planned Parenthood comes to the school and says all the horrific things that will happen to you if you have sex.

 

 

Sex carries some risk of STD, unplanned pregnancy, heartbreak etc etc. There are risks if you are monogamous and there are risks if you are not. Either way If you can't handle some risk, stay out of the game and get out of the way of the big boys and girls that want to play.

[oldshirt]

 

How about instead sex with new partners for more rewarding sex, couples should research new and better techniques to have more rewarding sex within the relationship.

 

 

We can send our questions to JEN1447 for a start.

 

 

 

I have to admit, my drink just about came out my nose when I read this. This has to be one of the most ironic things I've come across for some time.

 

 

Nothing against Jen, she seems to be a very good hearted person and I am certain she would be willing to step up and help anyone in need in any way that she could.

 

 

It just strikes me ironic that you would reference her whilst advocating strict monogamy. While I certainly would never question her knowledge, skills or willingness to help those in need, I find it amazing that you would reference her as some kind of poster child for monogamy! Really????? LOL :-D

[oldshirt]

Happy to help. Step 1 - add another player to the mix.

 

Srsly I've joined quite a few mono couples at some time or other in order to spice things up and it's almost always worked magically well. Even a one-time thing can add a charge to an otherwise mono couple's libido and leave them mainly just wanting each other once they're amped up about their sexuality again. In a way it's like having the courage to do sth like that wakes up their appetite and points it right back at each other.

 

 

 

My point exactly. Ask and ye shall receive! LOL

[jen1447]

It just strikes me ironic that you would reference her whilst advocating strict monogamy. While I certainly would never question her knowledge, skills or willingness to help those in need, I find it amazing that you would reference her as some kind of poster child for monogamy! Really????? LOL :-D

 

To be fair, I think he was referencing my, um sexual acumen. Not really any advocacy I might have.

[road]

Very few endeavors in life are completely without risk.

 

I don't like the idea of applying my morals and beliefs to the marriages of other couples.

 

It appears that being against the swinging lifestyle can result in some pretty broad statements to justify opposing views. It's like fear mongering.

 

 

 

 

Using that nothing in life is risk free is false justifying to have an open marriage.

 

 

For open marriages have consistently shown that they are a high risk decision to take.

 

 

Reckless risk taking has nothing to do with morals.

[road]

To be fair, I think he was referencing my, um sexual acumen. Not really any advocacy I might have.

 

 

True. 10c.

[Gemma1]

I get your argument here for some folks.

 

but...with many folks sex creates a special bonding chemical and emotions. Its an intimate act for some - and takes them down the path easier to falling in love with someone.

 

On the other hand if they can separate some level of emotions and they are strongly bonded to their spouse perhaps the swinging is a release valve to avoid an actual affair.

 

I am thinking it really really depends on the individual make up - how they are wired.

This is really the answer to the debate, IMO. I disagree with most of what Road has been saying, but I do think he has a point in that SOME people would be more prone to cheating if they started swinging, because they can't separate sex from emotion and might fall for their swinging partners more readily than they would a coworker that they've never slept with.

 

However, I think people who are interested in the swinging lifestyle are usually people who can separate sex and emotion. And I think oldshirt is exactly right that these types of people can just as easily find someone to cheat in a monogamous relationship as they can an open relationship. It's all about knowing what kind of person you are and what kind of relationship you can handle.

 

I am the type of person who doesn't enjoy casual sex. But my husband, he has no problem with that. So in our relationship, he can have sex with whoever he wants, and I choose not to. It works for us.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

However, I think people who are interested in the swinging lifestyle are usually people who can separate sex and emotion. And I think oldshirt is exactly right that these types of people can just as easily find someone to cheat in a monogamous relationship as they can an open relationship. It's all about knowing what kind of person you are and what kind of relationship you can handle.

.

 

I agree with what you said but I can simplify it even more. People who don't think swinging is a good idea or for whom it offends their sensibilities or they think it is just plain wrong - don't do it.

 

 

The people who do want to do it and are ok with it - do.

 

 

99.99% of the population want nothing to do with it. And the 0.01% who do are fine with that and they have a whole lotta fun without the rest.