Not telling the whole truth about affair..

[Confu2687]

I posted a while ago about my husband coming clean about his cheating. Well we had an unrelated argument today and he stormed out leaving behind his phone. I don't go through his phone but something just made me want to. Well he wrote his confession out in the notes and he had only told me half the truth. He had actually had sex with the first girl many more times than he originally told me. And the relationship with the other girl had been going on for 3 YEARS. I then go into his other apps and email and find that he's still be trying to contact her.

 

I'm 6 months pregnant and just emotionally drained. I have two young children and just lost. I hate him. I hate the person he is becoming. As he is becoming more 'powerful' in his career he is changing. He has a wonderful family but I really don't think this is where his heart or head is.

 

I also got the email from the other woman. Should I contact her? I feel as if he told me because she was at this point. I'd just like to know everything. I feel like I'm in the dark and everyone knows what's going on besides me.

Edited April 9, 2016 by Confu2687

[Grapesofwrath]

Confu: I am very sorry to hear you are going through this, especially while you are pregnant and even more vulnerable than usual. I understand your desire to speak to the OW and get all the facts, but hold off on that. Before you do so, please call a family member or friend and tell him/her what is going on. Someone who can keep a confidence. Someone who can come over and take care of your other kids, if need be. You will need help and support so you can summon your inner resources to handle this situation while taking care of your body and your unborn child.

 

I would also recommend that you consult an attorney. Be sure that your financial assets are known to you and get as much information/evidence about that as you can before you have any further conversations with your husband about this. Once he knows that you know, he may try to hide assets in an attempt to preserve them for himself if you choose to proceed with D.

 

If you decide to investigate further, please know that you may never feel like you have the full story. This will become an obsession without end, and it doesn't change the truth of what you must do.

[Ladyjane14]

I posted a while ago about my husband coming clean about his cheating. Well we had an unrelated argument today and he stormed out leaving behind his phone. I don't go through his phone but something just made me want to. Well he wrote his confession out in the notes and he had only told me half the truth. He had actually had sex with the first girl many more times than he originally told me. And the relationship with the other girl had been going on for 3 YEARS. I then go into his other apps and email and find that he's still be trying to contact her.

 

I'm 6 months pregnant and just emotionally drained. I have two young children and just lost. I hate him. I hate the person he is becoming. As he is becoming more 'powerful' in his career he is changing. He has a wonderful family but I really don't think this is where his heart or head is.

 

I also got the email from the other woman. Should I contact her? I feel as if he told me because she was at this point. I'd just like to know everything. I feel like I'm in the dark and everyone knows what's going on besides me.

 

Why would you believe anything the OW has to say? She's got her own agenda, and messing around with your husband certainly wasn't bothering her conscience any before. She's suddenly found Jesus, I suppose???

 

What it sounds like to me is that this guy has never actually committed to the marriage. Until/unless he does that, he will continue to make autonomous decisions that affect you and your children. And like I told you in your first thread, I don't think he'll do that without making a REAL internal change and developing real boundaries.

 

The choices must be stark. If they are not, THIS will be your life with him.

 

If you haven't read a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, you might try that first. It will explain how his boundaries with women are insufficient and what your expectations should be.

 

It's a tough position to be in, pregnant with small children. That said, you are not as powerless as you might feel just now. It's ultimately YOUR choice as to whether he'll be allowed to be a part of your life or not, and if he really wanted to leave, he'd be gone.

 

My advice? Keep it classy. Stay calm for your babies, particularly the one who's sharing your physiology just now. Don't allow an OW to bring drama into your home. And INSIST that he get the help he needs as a condition of keeping you in his life. If he can't (or won't) do what he needs to do to keep you, cut bait and move on with your life. You've got plenty of kids already. You don't need a man-child to raise too.

[BetrayedH]

Ok, I'm going to address two subjects: (1) What I think you should do about the OW and (2) What I think you should do about your husband.

 

As for the OW, you can contact her if you like. You may get "more" truth than you have today. You may discover that he's also been lying to her extensively. You may even form a bond over this lying freakin' cheater that makes you into friends. It's a pretty long shot. The reality is that you probably won't be able to trust or verify anything that she says. And she may have her own agenda (trying to poison you against your husband). But who knows? Personally, I see little harm. Be wise. Know that she may very well lie. And see it as an opportunity to garner more info than you have today. In my case, I met with the OM face to face and still couldn't tell you what was real, but it was somewhat enlightening. I totally get the "need to know."

 

Briefly, I would also ask, what more do you really need to know? By your husband's own words (in his notes), he's still lying and you got a lot of facts out of thise notes. Most betrayed spouses would kill to see their wayward spouse's thoughts on paper like this. You have a lot of facts.

 

As for your wayward husband, your best bet (whether you want to reconcile or divorce or just plain don't know) is to have him served with divorce papers. Bring reality crashing into this fantasy world he's got going on. And respect yourself in the process. If he straightens up enough such that you think you might be able to forgive, you can always halt the proceedings. In the meantime, you send a clear message that you won't be the third wheel in this marriage. And if he doesn't straighten up, you're on the way to the divorce you need.

 

Hit up an attorney. And be serious about it.

[Marc878]

He gave you the trickle truth.

 

You can never trust him and this will always be there.

 

Do you really want to live a life looking over your shoulder?

 

In the best case this will never go away.

 

File and move on

[ShatteredLady]

Are you in a position where you can regularly attend specialist pregnancy yoga, massage, take-up meditation & visualization? YouTube has some good SPECIALIST routines if not.

 

I'm a chronic pain patient. Living in pain 24/7 has a similar "fight or flight' response on your body as living with PTSD, stress, anxiety....which are common bs responses. This can lead to pregnancy problems & premature birth.

 

I went into my pregnancy with my little girl after having suffered with a degenerative spine for 5 years. I knew the risks. I did soooo much research & had consultations with several surgeons & docs. They ALL recommended those natural specialists.

 

I gave birth to my perfectly healthy baby girl, full term, no problems & got through my pregnancy reasonably comfortably by using those specialists.

 

 

Im so sorry. You're in a horrible, incredibly stressful situation. I was AMAZED by how much massage & yoga helped me. PLEASE remember I'm not advocating normal, regular massage or yoga. It must be specialists. It truly saved me.

 

If you can't get into meditation or visualization etc. try just setting aside some time to relax & listen to calming music or read. ANYTHING to relax & calm your mind.

 

Do you have supportive friends & family near you? Can you go stay with some family for vacations?

 

It's about you & all 3 of your beautiful children now. You can decide what you want to do about your husband when YOU are ready & able to process the situation. You don't need to know what you want to do right now. BREATHE.

 

I wish I could do more for you. I wish I could do more for ALL of us. Infidelity is a terrible thing. I'm so sorry. Please try to cherish this pregnancy.

 

Please remember to keep an eye on yourself for post natal depression. It sneaks up on you. Doctors really help. It's common & they know how to help.

 

Hugs to you & your babies.

 

 

Note

I was just like you. I wanted, I needed to know everything. I found some of their correspondence, letters my H wrote about the affair & he told me some things. To be honest it became sickening & I didn't want to know anymore.

 

There's a "Letter. Completing the puzzle of infidelity" I can't remember exactly what it's called but you can search (it might be on this site) I felt it explained well the need to know the whole 'picture' of our lives. They have all of the puzzle pieces & we only have tiny pieces.

 

When my H read it (& articles on trickle-truth etc) it seemed to help him understand.

 

i wish you all the best.

[whichwayisup]

I posted a while ago about my husband coming clean about his cheating. Well we had an unrelated argument today and he stormed out leaving behind his phone. I don't go through his phone but something just made me want to. Well he wrote his confession out in the notes and he had only told me half the truth. He had actually had sex with the first girl many more times than he originally told me. And the relationship with the other girl had been going on for 3 YEARS. I then go into his other apps and email and find that he's still be trying to contact her.

 

I'm 6 months pregnant and just emotionally drained. I have two young children and just lost. I hate him. I hate the person he is becoming. As he is becoming more 'powerful' in his career he is changing. He has a wonderful family but I really don't think this is where his heart or head is.

 

I also got the email from the other woman. Should I contact her? I feel as if he told me because she was at this point. I'd just like to know everything. I feel like I'm in the dark and everyone knows what's going on besides me.

 

Go for it. Contact her and tell her your side of things and ask her to answer your questions honestly.

 

Your husband is being a selfish fool and it's like he's kept the door open a crack so he can continue doing whatever he wants behind your back.

 

You need to take care of yourself and not let this stress get to you so why not take the kids and go to your parents place for the weekend. Have a break from him, think about what you want to do.

Edited April 9, 2016 by whichwayisup

[Confu2687]

I agree with you all. There is nothing she can really tell me. After confronting him with what I knew I realized that this is inevitable with him. He honestly feels as if the messages were not 'cheating'. Then after I broke the WHOLE situation down he feels like she sent him a message and he was lured by her so he tried to blame the whole situation on her. He just kept saying she wrote me first.

 

I don't think there's any getting 'better'. Even if I forgave him for this and he never talks to her again it will be someone else eventually.

 

Emotionally I have to withdraw from this marriage. Even if I can't do so legally. My parents divorce was the worst thing that happened to me as a child. I refuse to do that to my children.

 

Anyone ever been in that situation?

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with you all. There is nothing she can really tell me. After confronting him with what I knew I realized that this is inevitable with him. He honestly feels as if the messages were not 'cheating'. Then after I broke the WHOLE situation down he feels like she sent him a message and he was lured by her so he tried to blame the whole situation on her. He just kept saying she wrote me first.

 

I don't think there's any getting 'better'. Even if I forgave him for this and he never talks to her again it will be someone else eventually.

 

Emotionally I have to withdraw from this marriage. Even if I can't do so legally. My parents divorce was the worst thing that happened to me as a child. I refuse to do that to my children.

 

Anyone ever been in that situation?

 

Living like roommates just leads to more cheating. Better for your little ones to either model a healthy marriage or a healthy divorce. Emotional distancing will only compound the problems.

[heartwhole]

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I agree that a healthy divorce or healthy reconciliation are the only good options. Do you think there's any chance of a healthy reconciliation? If not, can you start envisioning a healthy divorce?

 

I'm one year out from DD and it has taken a long time to feel like my husband and I are on the same team, like he "gets it," like he's really doing the work on himself. So maybe 10 months ago I would have gotten the advice to give up, I don't know. I wasn't here then. So I'm not saying that just because he's not getting it now, that he won't eventually. But you do have to plan for the worst while you hope for the best.

 

One of the most helpful things was reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair." You can find the PDF for free download if you google it or just buy it from Amazon. Read it, and then have him read it. And then read Not Just Friends.

 

I'm having a bit of a hard time following your story. So he feels like the emotional affair with the second woman was not cheating at all? But he admits that the physical affair was? And he has not cut off communication with the second woman, and is in fact still trying to contact her? Has he agreed to stop now that you've discussed it again? Is he transparent with his phone and computer? Did you ever message her, or you just got her email address in case you want to? Are you in counseling?

 

You're right that unhealthy patterns will repeat if he doesn't work on his issues and boundaries. If you come to him in a place of calmness, confidence, and love, and tell him that he absolutely must work on those things in counseling and by being transparent and having healthy boundaries, would he? What would he do as a negative consequence for you rocking the boat? I'm trying to understand your dynamic here. You feel uncomfortable checking his phone, yet he's cheated on you at least twice. Why do you feel guilty? How does he act to make you feel bad? He storms out and then you cave?

[Grapesofwrath]

I agree with you all. There is nothing she can really tell me. After confronting him with what I knew I realized that this is inevitable with him. He honestly feels as if the messages were not 'cheating'. Then after I broke the WHOLE situation down he feels like she sent him a message and he was lured by her so he tried to blame the whole situation on her. He just kept saying she wrote me first.

 

I don't think there's any getting 'better'. Even if I forgave him for this and he never talks to her again it will be someone else eventually.

 

Emotionally I have to withdraw from this marriage. Even if I can't do so legally. My parents divorce was the worst thing that happened to me as a child. I refuse to do that to my children.

 

Anyone ever been in that situation?

 

My parents divorced when I was young also, (age 11) and it was tough. I vowed I would never put my kids through that. As a result, I exposed them to several years of tension, coldness, joylessness, and marital dysfunction, which ultimately ended in divorce. So I understand your dilemma very well. (BTW, they are very well-adjusted, healthy thriving kids. My fears for them were not realized. They do very well in school, adept socially, good student athletes, respectful to their parents/teachers/coaches, etc.) Your kids will be okay if you handle a divorce in a dignified, mature, and adult manner. Protect them from the details. Age-appropriate information only. Reassure them that none of this is their fault. They will grow up with an empowered mother who lives life on her terms, not a depressed, humiliated shell who has eaten her anger and denied her true self.

 

You may receive many posts encouraging you to move quickly toward divorce and get rid of this remorseless cheater. It sounds good, and it may ultimately be the right choice for you. But right now, your circumstances make this very difficult. My advise would be to identify and shore up all available resources. Who is in your support system? Family? Friends? Clergy? Professional network? Attorney? Counselor? Identify this group and reach out to them. Explain your situation to them and put together a plan that will give you the support (emotional, practical, financial) that you will need regardless of what you choose to do.

 

You have small children (how old are they?) and a baby on the way. Your biological instincts now are to start nesting and get ready for this precious arrival. Allow that to unfold by creating some safety in your life through your resources. You may feel that you don't have many, but I bet you have more than you think.

 

I can only imagine the pain you are in. My heart breaks for you. Your husband is not the man you thought he was.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with you all. There is nothing she can really tell me. After confronting him with what I knew I realized that this is inevitable with him. He honestly feels as if the messages were not 'cheating'. Then after I broke the WHOLE situation down he feels like she sent him a message and he was lured by her so he tried to blame the whole situation on her. He just kept saying she wrote me first.

 

I don't think there's any getting 'better'. Even if I forgave him for this and he never talks to her again it will be someone else eventually.

 

Emotionally I have to withdraw from this marriage. Even if I can't do so legally. My parents divorce was the worst thing that happened to me as a child. I refuse to do that to my children.

 

Anyone ever been in that situation?

 

Of course he put all the blame on her. Typical reaction of someone who cheats and can't/won't own up to their mistakes and choices, easier to put the blame on someone else.

 

He refuses to see the damage he's causing and how it's affecting you and the marriage.

 

Your divorce won't be like your parents divorce. Different situations and different people. Your kids may hurt and have to adjust to new living arrangements but with the help, love and guidance of friends and family, even family counseling can make it easier. I'm sure you don't want your kids to see an awful dynamic between their parents, seeing how a loveless and detached marriage is - Kids might be better off in two happier households than one that is filled is negative emotions and detachment.

[NTV]

 

Emotionally I have to withdraw from this marriage. Even if I can't do so legally. My parents divorce was the worst thing that happened to me as a child. I refuse to do that to my children.

 

Anyone ever been in that situation?

 

 

 

I haven't come from a divorced family, so I can't say whether it would be or not. But I can say that he isn't putting his family first. Not you and definitely not the kids---good fathers don't destroy their kid's family. (personal opinion) But that's just what he's done.

 

 

And if you divorce you're just doing the paperwork to make it official, nothing else. Emotionally withdrawing from the marriage though sounds good. Why give a hoot if this is what you get when you care? All those little things you did for him because you loved him? Guess they don't mean too much either.

 

 

For me when I just found out, what helped me the most was a journal... I don't know if you're the type to keep one, but it gave me a good place to get all the emotional s*** out.

[Satu]

He is fundamentally dishonest.

 

You can't trust anything he says.

 

Is the OW the first person he's cheated on you with?

 

There's no way of knowing...

 

I would definitely divorce him.

[dichotomy]

So the bottom line is

 

1) Lots more details and truth about past cheating then he told you. Thats very very common. Most BS never ever get all the details or truth about what happened or how long. I think there is an argument to be made her about wether additional details found out later (post dDay) make you revisit your choice to stay or leave. But when you find out just how long the cheating was - that hurts.

 

2) It appears he is still trying to contact or in contact with OW. I think this is kind of deal breaker...he was busted, but did not change or repent and is continuing while your pregnant.

[LifesontheUp]

Confu

 

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Its hard, I know but it does and will get better.

 

For me, what really stood out is that while you are 6 months pregnant he is still trying to pursue the OW after you found out

 

Honestly, take it from one of 3 children that grew up in a home where the mother continually cheated - its not fair, its not healthy and it does affect them. Do your kids a favour and don't settle for this sham of a marriage. He either gets help and fixes himself or divorce.

[afoolto no end]

Good morning,

First of all I am so sorry this has become your life........

I think the writing is on the wall here, he is just trying to cover up not fix anything....

I wouldn't say anything to him or the OW for now......You have to start thinking of you and your children.....

I think it's time for a very good plan that is in your best interest, forget about him and what he needs or wants......

I would get all the information you can get as evidence and store it in a safe place, I would secretly go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are in concerns to alimony and child care.

I would get a copy of all tax returns for the past few years, your lawyer will need those as well.

I agree you need to find 1 person you can trust with all of this and be your support system.

I would start with the 180 and detach as much as you can but stay cordial with him for now.......

When you get your ducks in a row and you are ready. file for divorce and leave this man, he has had two affairs, one for 3 years all the while you are having his children, he is not the man for you.......It is going to hurt, it is going to be sad but both you and your children deserve a better family life.

This one with him is a farce(sorry but it's true)

You need to start again with someone willing to love you, fight for you....be in your corner......

His ego is who he really is.......he is showing you it's time to listen..

I know your in a vulnerable state, but let that inspire the tiger in you to fight for your kids.......

they deserve better.......get out now before this all comes crashing down on their world and it will.........

Don't tell him of this site and stay here everyday, the good folks here can be your life line......give you the strength you need.......this is not your fault or your responsibility, you can't change him he has to want to, you can't control him, all you can do is what is best for your life your kids lives........Dont' waste anymore of your life on him.......

((hugs)))

Edited May 6, 2016 by afoolto no end

[gemini6]

Definitely do the 180! You need more than anything to focus on yourself at this point. He seems like a serial cheater and the fact that he is continuing contact or trying to is just disgusting! - He's a cake-eater, wants the wife at home with the kids and an exciting romance on the side

 

Tell him to go choke on the greener grass! and start taking care of yourself, get your financial plan in place, and detach. He doesn't deserve you!

 

I'm sorry, I know it hurts, and it is a painful process but please know that YOU will become amazing in the future. YOU will be happy and YOU will be strong, YOU will be one of the most beautiful women in the world because of what you learn and who you will become after you go through the learning, the hurt, and the process of finding yourself again!

[elaine567]

. I hate him. I hate the person he is becoming.

 

This ^^^ and the fact he is unrepentant and continuing with his affairs knowing you know, is why you need to divorce.

YOU cannot put up with this for years and years and hide it from your children, you will not be able to hide your sadness, your anger and your resentment and at the same time maintain a happy family life.

YOU may think will provide them with a safe and loving environment and hide it all, but kids will take about 10 secs to work out you are faking it and being around that intrinsic deceit is not a good place for kids to be.

Who can they believe, if they cannot trust their Mom?

Their Mom says she loves their Dad and puts on an act, but it is obvious to all she cannot stand him and he makes her sad...

Consult an attorney and suss out your rights.

[flowergirl14]

Let me say a lot of the details of your story ring true to me. Your h hasnt ever fully owned up to cheating and what he did. Mine didnt either. What I learned is that they the cheaters are contiuing to cheat and or will again. I know my h started up another affair during mc. They really dont want to be transparent because like you said they really arent into the marriage or children in the first place. Hunches are that you have seen his lack of family devotion before all this started. They do just enough to keep you in place while continuing on with the ow (plural). Fact is they want both. As for emotional detachment..thats a tough one. I to some degree have. I have sort of a "I know what you are and are capable of doing" attitude. I have no hope for ever trusting my h again. It does breed resentment because you arent true to yourself. Most days im happy but your never at peace. How can you be when you live with someone who doesn't share your values or morals. So emotional detachment is the end goal but you have sooo much on your plate how are you going to do this with all the pressures and stress of babies? You learn you can only control you and start making plans for a better life. Even if it takes you 2 years. The time goes quickly and I almost certain your h will not stop cheating. It'll always be someone new and shiny. Check out chump lady. There are women over there who have left with small children, while pregnant etc. None of this stuff is easy. I understand about staying for kids because to some degree I have. In the process as ladylane said you lose yourself. Your emotions become dull. Id rather you make a healthy choice vs. An easy one!

[Lois_Griffin]

Emotionally I have to withdraw from this marriage. Even if I can't do so legally. My parents divorce was the worst thing that happened to me as a child. I refuse to do that to my children.

 

Anyone ever been in that situation?

I haven't been in this situation, but you hear it often from women looking for any excuse to hold onto a lying loser. Oftentimes they'll play the martyr for their children and claim that's why they're staying when in reality, they're simply petrified to cut the cheater loose and move forward on their own. A lot of the time, it's simply because they're financially dependent on him and HAVE no other options.

 

The OP hasn't been here in a month so I'm not sure why this thread was bumped up again.

[sandylee1]

While he knows you won't divorce him....he will continue to cheat on you. Why would he stop? He could infect you and the baby with an std.. is this the man you want to stay with. One who pursues an OW while you're pregnant.... how low can he go from here..... you may never know .... if you prefer to live in a loveless marriage over divorce... then it's your choice. No doubt he'll use your coldness as an excuse and another silly OW will fall for it hook, line and sinker.

 

Divorce isn't always bad for kids if the parents are sensible about it.

 

A friend of mine broke down in years when her son told her. ..that her marriage with his dad was a total sham and it's put him off marriage.

[elaine567]

A friend of mine broke down in tears when her son told her. ..that her marriage with his dad was a total sham and it's put him off marriage.

 

Kids aren't as stupid as some adults make them out to be.

Of course they know when Mummy and Daddy "hate" each other or are not getting along well.

That is why the OP will never be able to fool her kids into thinking all is well by staying married to a man who is a cheater, a man who hurt her, who is still hurting her and who will no doubt continue to do so in the future too.