my husband left unexpectedly

[its.just.jo]

4 months ago my husband came completely out of the blue and told me he didnt love me anymore and wants a divorce. I was completely shocked and confused. We have had problems in the past but have worked through them and we were having some small issuse then, mostly because of our work loads, but it wasnt some thing that couldnt be fixed and nothing that would come to this happening.

 

I asked him why he felt like that and he told me he didnt now, it just happens, we grew apart, our marriage fizzled, things changed from our last problems and so on, seemed to me he was coming up with any old excuse. I dont believe this happens for no reason so i did my own investigations.

 

I found out he had been doing alot of stuff behind my back while he was at work, he had a secret facebook page, he added friends from his past (mostly females) that i had never heard of or ever met and he was meeting up with them, and i was clueless to all of it. I couldnt believe it, it was like he was living another life without me.

 

He moved out 4 days later and has been living a whole new life like me and our marriage ment nothing.

 

I believe he left me to be with someone else but he denies it, he has joined singles sites, which he denies and he has been really secretive and lies alot like he has things to hide.

 

He has had mild depression for as long as ive known him but has dealt with it pretty well. After he left he says his depression had come back and he had things in himself he had to sort out. Well all of a sudden he is feeling so much better now that he doesnt feel guilty about anything he had done and why should he, so he things, (apparently a councillor said he shouldnt) obviously thats what he was depressed about and so he should who does the things he was doing, he makes me feel as though im to blame for him being depressed.

 

We dont have any kids, due to me having some infertility issues (i believe he resents me) so after i found out theres a strong possibility he has someone pregnant i was crushed because that was my dream for us.

 

The past few months have been horrible, ive had to move to my mothers in another state because i was struggling financilly he has left me to deal with everything, our debts, the house we were renting, i even had to pack his stuff i also had to make the decision on my own to send our beautiful 11 year old fur baby to heaven, all of this while hes off living his brand new life.

 

My depression/anxiety has really hit me but since sering a councillor it has improved in someways.

 

I cant believe how clueless i was to any of the things he was doing, its like i mean nothing to him and it was so easy for him to walk away even though the things that were wrong could have been fixed.

 

I still dont fully know or understand why any of this happened, theres a lot of answers i want to know but i know he'll never tell me the full truth, he is such a dishonest person and i probably wouldnt believe him anyway.

 

I know theres no chance to save our marriage but the hurt i feel is horrible, after 11 years (8 years married) i never thought he would ever do this.

Edited April 9, 2016 by its.just.jo

[loveboid]

I know theres no chance to save our marriage but the hurt i feel is horrible, after 11 years (8 years married) i never thought he would ever do this.

 

I think it's possible that you took him for granted. One of the top reasons men give for leaving a relationship is feeling unappreciated. I've noticed older couples still date, still think they got a catch, still do romantic things to keep the other around and not let them "get away".

 

I would rather he divorced first before starting dating.

[its.just.jo]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I appreciate what your saying but would have to disagree, i think it was the other way around, i put everything into our marriage and got very little in return, if i was to be honest i feel very unappreciated for all the things i did for him, to be lied to and betrayed the way i was is extremely hurtful and i dont believe i deserved to be treated that way at all.

[Yasuandio]

The following is easier said than done:

 

You must employ the 180 and absolutely No Contact. You must find yourself alone, be who you were before this man came into your life. It will take time.

 

Your feelings of betrayal are natural - but you're only in control, ultimately, with yourself. You cannot change the direction of another person's decision, you can only "control" how you "RESPOND" to it.

 

I recommend Homer McDonald's suggestion, to find the positive in the negative curcumstances you find yourself in - and work towards avoiding "self-pity."

 

My marriage ended at 26 years. I wish I had found out sooner, at 8 years what you know now. Therein, is a "positive" for your consideration. Also, you suddenly have freedom - as McDonald would say, "men die on the battle field for freedom."

 

The sooner you can get your mind on you, the sooner you'll recover. You are younger, and there is someone for everyone. You "someone" is YOU at this time.

 

Check the "Critcal Readings in Separation and Divorce" thead in our section. See if anything rings a bell in those posts and research. Having a grasp of understanding of why and how the marriage went South can help some move forward.

 

You might like some of Michelle Weiner Davis' thoughts and techniques, also in this thread I mentioned.

 

He got himself into a Social Media Fog of the past. Sure, it's exciting to relive the "old-days" - but the fun of it will wear off - believe me. Also, you will likely never be able to trust this person, OR, at the very least, it would take some years to would back trust (and he would have to earn it).

 

Please, think twice about letting him come back. I wish I did at 8 years, all the signs were there and I didn't want to see it.

 

So sorry about you fur friend. When my former husband would "disappear" early on in the marriage, I ended up getting first an interesting pure bred cat, and then, my first dog - an Eskimo Spitz. They both lived to be 17 years old. Have you considered getting a new fur friend? An animal is so very comforting, loves unconditionally.

 

OK. Yas

[its.just.jo]

Hi Yas, thanks for the helpful advice.

 

There was a time in the past 4 months when i did really want to work things out because i do still love and care about him but i do agree the trust i had for him has gone and i really dont know if i can get that back.

 

I think the hardest thing is accepting that its most probably over, especially when there's been no real closure and many unanswered questions, but im really working on myself now and trying to move on to a life without him. People have said he will try to come back at some stage but i really dont see him doing that, he has alot of influence around him and he tends to listen to other peoples advice before he thinks for himself, and now that he is getting something i couldnt give him i cant see him having any second thoughts about me.

 

We did have some contact but it has stopped now, i haven't heard from him for 3 weeks and i havent wanted to contact him either, it has been hard but im determined to stick to it mostly for myself.

 

I do have another dog (we had 2) i dont know how i would have got through the past few months with out him, its very true our pets love us unconditionally and can really sence when something is wrong.

 

Thanks again for the reply.

Edited April 9, 2016 by its.just.jo

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

The past few months have been horrible, ive had to move to my mothers in another state because i was struggling financilly he has left me to deal with everything, our debts, the house we were renting, i even had to pack his stuff i also had to make the decision on my own to send our beautiful 11 year old fur baby to heaven, all of this while hes off living his brand new life.

 

 

 

 

I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. That really sucks.

 

 

I think you are correct, I think this is a done deal and that there is no use in looking back. It's time to look to your own future and take care of yourself and move forward.

 

 

Step one is get a lawyer and start getting your financial and legal affairs in order. If your husband wants to take off and start another life, that is his prerogative but there is no reason on God's green earth why you should foot any of the bills for it or support him in any way.

 

 

Both of you are going to be responsible for your marital debts and properties and there is no reason why you should be packing any of his crap. If you need the space, set it in the yard and let him know he can pick it up. If everyone steals it before he gets around to picking it up, too bad so sad.

 

 

Get a lawyer and do what the lawyer says. Your ex is gone, start living for yourself now and do what is in your best interest without regards to him.

[Babsinhealing]

I know exactly how you feel.. Same exact thing happened to me including his depression, losing a baby (ectopic) and infertility. I truly empathize with the feelings of rejection and abandonment you are experiencing. This happened to me many years ago and he did come back after many years and apologize "not knowing what he was thinking and why he did it the way he did". But that didn't help me with all the many years I grieved and lost any self esteem I had.

 

My suggestions, to avoid the things I did wrong, is to allow yourself to grieve - cry when you want, scream too! I suppressed it and tried to remain strong, pick up the pieces and jump back into dating. Big mistake! Get into therapy if you can and work on handling abandonment - I put on a happy face and acted strong and confident, while inside I was dying. Get a good attorney to protect you and your future. Use your support system when needed.

 

You won't want to do any of this but you need to start rethinking the way you live... You now live for yourself. You will get thru this- you don't have a choice. I know everyday is a challenge but now I can look back at him and say- your loss and he knows it. Good luck (hugs).

[its.just.jo]

Its sad to read so many people go through the same things, it often makes me wonder how husbands and wives can just up and leave when things get a little tough in a marriage instead of working things out, its like they think if they find someone else their lives will be so much easier, well in my husbands case things haven't been that great for him in some areas and i just think well you put this crap onto yourself so deal with it.

 

I have started to see a councillor which has been a huge help but somedays i just feel so crappy and my anxiety stops me from doing alot of things but im working really hard on it. Expressing my anger is one thing i do struggle with because i really havent been angry at him for what he has done at all and i really dont know why, dont get me wrong im extremely peed off about every but just trying to release it is hard for me.

 

Where i live you have to wait a year before you can file for divorce, i have been married previously (i got married the first time young) and that was pretty straight forward so i dont know what the laws are in this country or the state im in (we live in different states now), in regards to all the technical stuff, we dont have alot of assets, ect, either but i do know im not going to be stuck with all this debt he has left me with.

 

Thank you for your replies, it really does help to read other peoples advice because it really is hard to get your head around every.

[Babsinhealing]

Unfortunately the anger will come. You will go through all the stages of grief as you move forward. I'm glad you are in therapy. It helps to talk to someone that is not biased. Please be kind to yourself and do nice things. You are going through a traumatic experience and it will take quite awhile to feel ok. I also recommend you journal and read some books- do everything you can to help yourself heal. (Hugs)

[Mr. Lucky]

I think the hardest thing is accepting that its most probably over, especially when there's been no real closure and many unanswered questions, but im really working on myself now and trying to move on to a life without him.

 

Honestly, closure is over-rated. Were your husband to explain his reasons for leaving, doubt they'd make sense to you. Acceptance is what you should look for simply because you've got a long life full of possibilities ahead of you.

 

Keep moving ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky