Did I deserve to be hit for cheating?

[Jersey born raised]

To live in a civil society a normal human reaction, like striking out when in pain, needs to be foregone. That is the price we pay for lving in a civil society. My thoughts about him are the same as towards a WW who's husband beats her. The adultery is very wrong, only makes the situation worse but is understandable.

 

He needs to see a professional about what he did FOR HIMSELF only. and his future reaostionships. He needs to learn how to react in extreme situation.

 

As to you, you need to be shunned by him. He should have told you that you where dead to him and one of you move out. True shunning (which is what the amish do) provokes a very similar reaction as spending a prolong period of solitary confinement.

 

On a side note why did you stand him up to hang with your ex? I suspect he knows what his action did to you, do you know what this did to him.

[loveplease123]

He has already shunned me. He told me there is no way we will ever work, however he began threatening me saying I won't be able to do anything in my life after he reveals everything...? Don't know what he has in mind but this is troublesome.

 

I guess my question now is, how do I make him stop threatening me? How can I turn the situation so that he is less bitter? And so we can have a clean breakup with no hard feelings....

[losangelena]

When he was extremely mad, he also said he would "release my naked pics" and "ruin my life," "make sure my life is a living hell" and yesterday he reminded me again that he was going to seek revenge, little by little. I am honestly appalled by how immature he is being but at the same time I am extremely worried. Going to the police probably won't help, I was thinking is there ANY possible way to make him not threaten me? I'm really worried about what he might do to me, especially if he already called my parents and involved them in this whole thing!

 

Also, my ex told me he's willing to speak to him to calm him down with this whole thing. Ofc he's not going to say that we did anything, he said he will deny and try to make him calm down. I'm not sure if that's a good idea, but what do you guys think?

 

Given the additional info, I think you should just try and leave each other alone. You sound quite immature yourself and have very little right flinging that accusation at him.

 

Also, eventually you will need to cut the cord with your parents. I was dependent on them for way longer than was healthy, and I regret it often.

[losangelena]

He has already shunned me. He told me there is no way we will ever work, however he began threatening me saying I won't be able to do anything in my life after he reveals everything...? Don't know what he has in mind but this is troublesome.

 

I guess my question now is, how do I make him stop threatening me? How can I turn the situation so that he is less bitter? And so we can have a clean breakup with no hard feelings....

 

Well what is "everything?" What's he going to reveal?

[loveplease123]

He told me he hates me so much and he will see when "the revenge comes one by one" and "you will see once the time comes" "wait for the revenge"

 

How do I cut the cord with my parents? They are so protective they won't leave me alone. I mean now I'm going to be living at home... because they think it's not safe to live there

[loveplease123]

He said he would tell my parents I do drugs or have tried them. He said now that he can't protect me anymore, he wants to move everything he knows onto my parents so that they can deal with me. I'm also assuming he will threaten to release nude pics/videos and who knows what else he has against me.

 

Also, due to my past experiences, my parents will believe everything he say and nothing I say, so I can't say "he's lying" if he actually does do something about it. The thing I'm trying to do is to get him to calm down so he can leave peacefully.

[LD1990]

My parents think i only met up with my ex, but they told me I shouldn't just go to an ex because I'm lacking something in my relationship. He continuously apologized to my parents for hitting me (they called him and yelled at him). To be honest, I've hit him multiple times, but he's never hit back. But the hits weren't anything like his hits (obv he's a guy so much stronger) and I was scared to hit back or do anything after that because he just seemed completely different. I just ran off and hoped for him to calm down.

 

Sounds like you've really got no room to complain here. There's a lesson to be learned from this: everyone has their breaking point. I don't care what anyone in this thread says about how striking others is wrong, violence has no place in a civilized society, whatever. If you push someone enough, all these little cliche ideas go out the window. I've seen it happen plenty. Everyone's breaking point may be different, but everyone has one.

 

You hit this guy multiple times throughout your relationship and then cheated on him. You can rationalize your cheating with whatever excuses you want, the fact is you did it. And you lied to him about it, and you're still lying to your parents about the situation. I'm having trouble believing your story about getting choked, too. So your boyfriend slaps you, and your response is to try to hug him? After you've hit him multiple times in the past? Something tells me this "hug" was a bit more aggressive than you're letting on.

[loveplease123]

Sounds like you've really got no room to complain here. There's a lesson to be learned from this: everyone has their breaking point. I don't care what anyone in this thread says about how striking others is wrong, violence has no place in a civilized society, whatever. If you push someone enough, all these little cliche ideas go out the window. I've seen it happen plenty. Everyone's breaking point may be different, but everyone has one.

 

You hit this guy multiple times throughout your relationship and then cheated on him. You can rationalize your cheating with whatever excuses you want, the fact is you did it. And you lied to him about it, and you're still lying to your parents about the situation. I'm having trouble believing your story about getting choked, too. So your boyfriend slaps you, and your response is to try to hug him? After you've hit him multiple times in the past? Something tells me this "hug" was a bit more aggressive than you're letting on.

 

 

 

Well since i'm anonymous right now, I wouldn't lie about anything. The exact story is that while we were talking, I said I didn't do anything with my ex, and he bitch slapped me. At that moment, I walked away.

 

I returned an hour later to see him packing up his stuff, and I was so devastated that I tried to hug him. Like an actual hug, not aggressive in any way. This is when he pushed me and choked me.

[CarrieT]

This is when he pushed me and choked me.

Go the police and report it.

 

I am serious.

[loveplease123]

Go the police and report it.

 

I am serious.

 

But I suppose in a way I triggered his physical assault, because he wouldn't have done anything if I didn't try to hug him?

 

Also, he apologized to both me and my parents about physically hurting me so I don't think I need to get any more people involved

[Jersey born raised]

Read your other thread. Please clarify did you stand him up for the party or did you later stabd him up to specificly mert up with your ex. You did fool around on him. How did he find out? Could you post your thoughts on what this did to him emotionally?

 

You are both young and acted out poorly. Contacting his parents and telling them the whole truth and displaying real empathy for his pain may help cool him down.

 

You might come in the future to simply come to regret an "unfortunate mistake" and move on. If he is a good guy in the future he will curse himself for his actions and his shame will haunt him. I mean how will he tell a woman he wants to marry about this. How does he summen the courage to risk losing all by sharing this with them?

 

10 years from now how would you react if your future husband revealed he might have commintted a date rape?

[Jersey born raised]

To be clear his reaction is on him and only him, just as your actions are on you and only you.

 

So now the question is: good person who made a bad mistake or are true colors being shown.

[loveplease123]

I really want to contact his parents, because the other day he said his dad told him not to seek revenge and just let it go and move on, and he seemed to be listening to that. He suddenly changed again last night back to threatening me. I would love to contact his dad (his relationship with his dad is super good, they talk everyday) but I'm afraid the only way to contact his dad is to somehow steal his phone while he's asleep or ask his brother to help me out.

[stillafool]

I know it is not justified but I just want to know if there is any possible way to ever make it work. Or at least not end on such terrible terms.

 

No. Your bf is never going to forget or completely forgive you for cheating on him. You will never forget he slapped you and he will never forget that he was driven to do that. It's over, just move on.

[Methodical]

my boyfriend is a very CALM person. he would never ever raise a hand to anything and he is always under control. we've been together for almost 2 years now and live together so it's safe to know how well i know his personality

 

i cheated on him with my ex, when i was supposed to meet up for dinner with my boyfriend. and he was so mad that he bitch slapped me once and choked me for a couple of seconds. i was just wondering if i should ever forgive him for that, or should i let it go?

 

he is truly sorry for hitting me. my parents took my phone and read my messages and found out he slapped me and called him to threaten to call the cops but he apologized over and over again

 

When he was extremely mad, he also said he would "release my naked pics" and "ruin my life," "make sure my life is a living hell" and yesterday he reminded me again that he was going to seek revenge, ...

 

I'm really worried about what he might do to me, especially if he already called my parents and involved them in this whole thing!

 

Also, my ex told me he's willing to speak to him to calm him down with this whole thing. Ofc he's not going to say that we did anything, he said he will deny and try to make him calm down. I'm not sure if that's a good idea, but what do you guys think?

 

... not to mention that he threatened me and told me to watch out because more is coming. Also, he bitch slapped me when I denied cheating (I am still denying it, even he said there is no proof) and then he only choked me for a little because I tried to hug him while he was mad (stupid, I know).

 

I am not the type of person to cheat, and I never would have thought I would do such a thing EVER. When I went to see him twice, I was extremely drunk both times that I barely remember anything.

 

He also told me he cheated on me over the summer (don't know if this is true or not) after he found out about everything. The thing now is that he's kinda threatening me to reveal all my secrets, etc. He's already called my parents to get them involved with the whole situation, who knows whats gonna happen next yknow? He also threatened my best friend (who was an "accomplice" in the whole situation) and said he'll make sure she will get her job offer revoked...... and now my bff is mad at me for bringing her into this whole situation.

 

To be honest, I've hit him multiple times, but he's never hit back. But the hits weren't anything like his hits (obv he's a guy so much stronger) and I was scared to hit back or do anything after that because he just seemed completely different. I just ran off and hoped for him to calm down.[/Quote]

 

Okay, the entire tone of your post has changed as this thread has continued. First of all, he isn't CALM and always under control based on your latter posts. You state that he has threatened to release naked pics, make your life a living hell, seek more revenge, and has threatened your best friend... What about that is calm?

 

Not only have you lied, cheated not once, but at least twice, you've also hit him multiple times in the past and he didn't retaliate. In a way, you set the precedent by initiating violence multiple times, which wasn't okay. (Especially given that some women can kick butt!) I understand that you aren't as "strong" as him, but that doesn't make it okay. Had the situation been in reverse, and he'd hit you multiple times in the past, would you think before placing a knee jerk slap? Probably not. That still doesn't make what he did okay. You are both guilty of being physically abusive.

 

Given everything I've read in your posts, why did you consider staying with a person who has threatened to expose and harm you? This was a toxic relationship with many underlying issues. Seems it has been terminated and best left that way!

[loveplease123]

First, I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for taking time out of your day for helping me with my situation. Like honestly thank you all for giving me constructive advice especially because my friends aren't being much help right now :/

 

So he is mainly a calm guy, but he suddenly changed ever since he found out I met up with his ex. He said it's the worst thing I could have possibly done. No matter what I did before, he's always stayed calm about everything but this is the one time he lashed out. In the beginning of our relationship, I used to be controlling and making sure he didn't go out without my permission, etc. But I realized that's not how you treat someone in a relationship and a relationship needs to be built on trust, so I changed my ways. I think this is where I influenced him to become that kind of "controlling" person, because in the beg he was never that kind of person at all.

 

After threatening me once again yesterday, I've decided now I just want a clean break up but I'm not sure how to make him... well, not threaten me. His brother told me he'd try to talk some sense into him tonight, but he's not listening to anyone. His brother also said to give him some time to cool down.

 

I just want to know if there's anything I could do to make him not as angry and threatening

[Methodical]

The more you try to "calm him down," the more you are stoking the fire. Cut all contact.

[jen1447]

But I suppose in a way I triggered his physical assault, because he wouldn't have done anything if I didn't try to hug him?

 

Also, he apologized to both me and my parents about physically hurting me so I don't think I need to get any more people involved

 

OP, there's no behavior that justifies an assault except an ongoing assault that provokes it. So he can't hit you for hugging him or cheating on him, only to defend himself if you're attacking him. Doesn't matter what else has gone on here - that's a criminal offense, whether it's him hitting you unprovoked or you hitting him. You don't "trigger" a justified physical attack except by launching an unjustified physical attack.

 

~

 

@MKD ....problem? I'm not interested in debating my posts to others with you, and if you take some sort of offense at me personally I think it'd be better addressed in a PM (or even better yet, just ignore me) than spamming someone's else's thread about a different topic.

[LD1990]

You need to just cut off all contact and block him through any method where he could contact you. You two have brought out the worst in each other. He's making all these threats because he's hurt and he wants you to feel as badly as he does. Will he actually go through with it? Probably not, especially if his family talks some sense into him. But there's not much you can do about it at this point, anyway. You can't control what he does.

[psustu]

The relationship should end..It does upset me that some people do not even mention all the Negative you have done..I have never hit a Woman, Ever, but I sure wish a couple of them would have turned Male for 2 minutes after the Heartbreak and Anguish they caused me By Cheating...

[TimmyC]

No totally no. No matter what you did you DO NOT deserve to be assaulted. I can only speak for myself, personally my mom raised me to never hit a woman. When my Ex cheated, I left. Didn't even yell at her.

 

Now with that said, your not off the hook either. I'm not here to judge but you did a pretty messed up thing, not as bad as him but still. Infact It may be best if you two called it quits. Even if you do forgive him for his violent outburst, you need sometime to think about who you want, because it's not okay to play with someone that loves you. If you have feelings for your ex, then don't waste your current boyfriends time...Or your time for that matter. Not trying to be inconciderate, just being honest. However I will say this again, you did NOT deserve to be hit. And whatever the case that is IS assault and that IS illegal.

Edited April 10, 2016 by TimmyC

[mightycpa]

Wow, one little episode of cheating, and you unlocked everybody's real personalities.

 

You can't say this anymore:

 

I am not the type of person to cheat, and I never would have thought I would do such a thing EVER.

and you can't say this anymore either:

 

my boyfriend is a very CALM person. he would never ever raise a hand to anything and he is always under control

Now, everybody's warts are beginning to show. I think it's fair to say that when he hit you, he did exact his revenge on you. You need to put an end to his continued drip campaign of threats, because frankly, just like hitting someone isn't the worst thing in the world, cheating on somebody isn't either. He hit you, he's done with you, and the way I see it, that means you guys are pretty much even. Given that he's gone down this road instead of going down the road of forgiveness, I'd say you are "put a fork in us" done.

 

Being done carries some benefits. One of those benefits is that it all stops, including the pursuit of revenge. I'd suggest you have a little talk with him, and if he won't talk to you, have a lawyer call him up. Your talk might inform him that you are fully prepared to proudly declare to the world that you cheated on him because he wasn't satisfying you, but that you'd rather this thing end quietly and privately. Your attorney will know something a little more professional to say, but it will be equally or even more effective. The attorney route sounds better, but even if you're bluffing, you need to shake him up so he starts thinking, rather than feeling.

 

Clearly he's hurt, but he's making this even bigger than it really is, and he's not making it better for anybody, not even himself. I guess you need to do one last thing to help him before you go. Oh, and stop hitting your boyfriends. That stuff is really frowned upon in this sensitive age we live in, and if you're going to be a medical doctor, you will have a lot to lose financially one day if you don't stop. Besides, it invites the tit-for-tat behavior.

Edited April 10, 2016 by mightycpa

[ExpatInItaly]

No, there's nothing you can do to make him less angry. His feelings are not under your control. Contacting his family - or worse, having your ex contact him (terrible idea) - is not going to help right now.

 

You two need to stay out of each other's lives. The more you respond, the longer this will drag out. Stop all contact.

 

And get yourself together, OP. You have behaved badly and assaulted him on multiple occasions yourself. That's not right either.

[bathtub-row]

Choking is a pretty serious thing, and a VERY strong reaction. No, you didn't deserve it but you did take the risk of provoking such a reaction by your actions.

 

I say consider the two of you even, and each of you go your merry way. You don't have to part on bad terms but it's not likely to end well at this stage. Only you control how you end things on your end, but you don't control what he chooses to do or how he chooses to feel. People often get upset about things ending on bad terms but, seriously, that's why things are ending anyway -- you're not on good terms; things aren't working. So it's not surprising that it's ending badly. That's life. This relationship is doomed. In a year or two from now, you both will probably feel some peace toward one another but that's just not likely to happen right now, nor should it.

 

Don't try to force something that isn't a fit. You cheated for a reason. This guy couldn't possibly mean that much to you if you were willing to take such a risk.

[Jabron1]

'Did you deserve it'?

 

I'll say that if you go around hitting people, eventually you'll get hit back. People tend to hit others when they think there'll be no retaliation - you slapped him repeatedly, because he let you get away with it. Problem is passive types tend to let things build up, and then explode eventually: which is what seems to have happened.

 

Personally, no one puts their hands on me like that. I don't care what age, gender, religion, or whatever they are. If you started smacking me around, you'd learn fast that it's a bad idea. Don't think you can go around acting that way just because you're a woman. It's a big world out there, and not everyone is going to put up with your sh*t.

 

You've been hitting him, and now you've cheated on him.

 

He hit and choked you, and is still raging.

 

Honestly, I think you are seriously messed up. And he seems to have snapped/gone off the deep end.

 

Go no-contact and stay that way. Don't rise to any threats, or stoke the fire in any way, shape, or form. Stay away from each other for good. Never darken each others' door again.

 

I suggest you learn how to treat people better, and get some sort of help. Because this is seriously messed up.