What now? She cheated and I'm left devastated

[SamMish1]

Now is when you set the boundaries and rules for her. She has a decision to make, if she wants to stay married to you then she has to do everything possible to earn you trust again, being an open book, allowing you access to everything (emails, cell, text, fb, instagram and whatever social media she has) as well as going to counseling with you and on her own (use the same marriage counselor for both) and she shows you genuine effort and is remorseful for what she's done to you.

 

Working it out shouldn't be revengeful, you have to do your part - work through the pain and be the bigger person and unfortunately eat some more crap along the way but most of all IF you do decide to stay married, you have to forgive her and work with her to make your marriage work and stay healthy. Each of you put in 100%.

 

She is petrified to leave the house without asking me and I've been showing a no care attitude. She's been sending me pictures when shes out, to backhandedly prove where she is.

I never was and never will be the type of guy that controls his wifes every move. In the same token, that freedom I gave her allowed her to go on with the affair.. so im torn with what I should do.

 

I travel often for work and Im not interested in looking over my shoulder when im 1000s of miles away trying to make a living.

 

The eating **** part is what will hurt the most for me. As for counselling, not sure why I need to go if shes the culprit lol

[whichwayisup]

She is petrified to leave the house without asking me and I've been showing a no care attitude. She's been sending me pictures when shes out, to backhandedly prove where she is.

I never was and never will be the type of guy that controls his wifes every move. In the same token, that freedom I gave her allowed her to go on with the affair.. so im torn with what I should do.

 

I travel often for work and Im not interested in looking over my shoulder when im 1000s of miles away trying to make a living.

 

The eating **** part is what will hurt the most for me. As for counselling, not sure why I need to go if shes the culprit lol

 

So you can work with her in marriage counseling and she can 'understand' the pain she's put you through. Right now everything is raw emotions, desperation on her behalf because she's been caught. Once the dust settles at least consider going. it could help you cope with this in a healthy way and the counselor can give you two a lot of help on how to move forward, rebuild trust etc...

 

I say a BS has to a special and strong person to take back a CS.

[aliveagain]

They can't work together, has she started looking for a new job? Has she been tested for STD's? Some STD's don't even show up until 6 months after the last contact, the testing gives them a taste of reality. Her selfishness put you at risk. One of your terms for reconciliation should be independent counselling, she needs to get to the root of her decision to cheat. If you don't treat the cause it will one day show up again. Your at your strongest at time of confrontation, in hopes of saving the marriage wayward's will often agree to terms that they may not agree to later. Forgiveness is earned and should never be expected. Make her do the work.

[cgiles]

Ive seen first hand what single parenting (or remarriage) does to a child and its not pretty so that's not a road I want to go down.

 

You prefer the road daddy and mommy stay married but don't love each other, and your kids repeat it in the future ?

 

They will learn what is a right relationship by watching you, like they learned to walk, or speak.

[road]

They can't work together, has she started looking for a new job? Has she been tested for STD's? Some STD's don't even show up until 6 months after the last contact, the testing gives them a taste of reality. Her selfishness put you at risk. One of your terms for reconciliation should be independent counselling, she needs to get to the root of her decision to cheat. If you don't treat the cause it will one day show up again. Your at your strongest at time of confrontation, in hopes of saving the marriage wayward's will often agree to terms that they may not agree to later. Forgiveness is earned and should never be expected. Make her do the work.

 

Yes to end the affair and make sure that it never starts again there must be NC with her and the OM.

 

 

WW must leave that job.

[BuddyX]

"A simple 'just get a divorce' is not helpful advice. I do plan on staying with her for reasons I dont think many will understand but I want her to pay for what she has done and make sure she never thinks of doing it again."

 

 

That is messed up. If you do this, you're no better than her.

I know you're angry, but get some MC and IC. "Torture" is not the way to go. She'll stay with you out of fear.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do plan on staying with her for reasons I dont think many will understand but I want her to pay for what she has done and make sure she never thinks of doing it again.

 

As for counselling, not sure why I need to go if shes the culprit lol

 

If you're going to stay in the marriage, you want to do so because it benefits you, not penalizes her. The latter approach doesn't sound like much fun for either participant...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey born raised]

Keep your options open and close to the vest. You do need to see a MC as a couple or a theapist alone. Here is the hardest and most bitter pill to swallow:

 

The Hard: Issues are issues, adultery is adultery. Normally adultety occurs in the context of a person makmg poor choices while in a toxic environment. Issues are never an excuss or justification for adultery.

 

The bitter: just as she needs to own her issues that help create a toxic environment so do you. For example how often do you travel and how long are you gone?

 

Also a part of using a MC or personal therapists must include how your children are effected. I understand your instinct to stay because of your children.

 

Print this out it is brilliantly written and sums up your thoughts: Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

[Honourably honest]

Jersey has hit the nail on the head. I'm really sorry you are going through this awful and time consuming pain.

I hope it works out for you. Nobody wakes up to have a rubbish time of it, some are lucky most of us aren't.

[SamMish1]

Keep your options open and close to the vest. You do need to see a MC as a couple or a theapist alone. Here is the hardest and most bitter pill to swallow:

 

The Hard: Issues are issues, adultery is adultery. Normally adultety occurs in the context of a person makmg poor choices while in a toxic environment. Issues are never an excuss or justification for adultery.

 

The bitter: just as she needs to own her issues that help create a toxic environment so do you. For example how often do you travel and how long are you gone?

 

Also a part of using a MC or personal therapists must include how your children are effected. I understand your instinct to stay because of your children.

 

Print this out it is brilliantly written and sums up your thoughts: Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

 

 

I dont travel for too long, usually a night or two - rarely for 5-7 days.

But who cares? I shouldnt be watching my back every time I travel for work, trying to make money for our family.

Lets stop giving these cheaters legitimacy by complicating the reasons why they did it. They're ****ty people who felt they can get away with it - sometimes its as simple as that.

And why is it so bad that I seek revenge? Some dude tried, or succeeded in fkng my wife, why should he get away with it?

 

Update since I last posted- I was contemplating telling his wife, but mostly because my online investigative work couldnt conclusively prove who she is...and I wasnt about to message some random woman on FB to tell her the husband is cheating.

But a few days ago, in this huge city of ours... our families ran into each other at the local supermarket. Thats right, there he was with his child and wife (figured out who she is now that I have a face) -- and me with my wife and child. He and my wife had a ghostly look on their face, while his wife obliviously went through the motions.

I wanted to tell her right there and then but my wife begged me not to... in the produce dept. (I kid you not)

 

As for my wife - its been 2-3 months since D-Day and all the crying, begging me to stay and promising of 'change' is long forgotten. Back to same old ****ty wife with 0 sex drive, well for me at least.

[merrmeade]

You've already made the first major mistake and that is deciding you are going to stay with her no matter what she has done, and then admitting you have no real idea.

 

You appear to be willing to I let her rug sweep the whole thing. In most cases, you will find yourself in the same spot again.

 

If you want to make a wise decision, whatever it is, stop using your kids as an excuse not to find out the truth.

No, the first mistake is TELLING HER you are going to stay. She should wonder even if you don't.

 

Oh Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam! You found incontrovertible proof of her "illicit activities," confront with the evidence, and she denies, blames you, and pretty much gaslights you into doubting what's there in black and white. You know she's lying, but it's hard to hold it front and center when she cries all the time (and gives lots of good sex). You threaten to inform OM's wife, but, when given the opportunity, you acquiesce when she begs you not to.

 

The problem is that you seem to actually believe that you're towing a tough line. You claim not to be rug-sweeping, but your being there without her having fully disclosed IS rug-sweeping.

 

I know it's not your fault (it is SO not your fault) and, yes, many of us made the same mistakes - but, Sam, we're here, answering your plea for help and telling you ddand you're arguing that you did it - you're making her tow the line and letting her cry because you're most definitely not letting her rug-sweep. But, oh, Sam: You most certainly are rug-sweeping. Every time you make demands and fold when she gaslights, denies and holds you hostage with her tears and good sex.

 

I don't know what to add except to say that you will not be happy nor your reconciliation successful if you don't hold her fully accountable for this information. I know this because I did the same as you, and my R was very shaky for a long time. You may not get over the resentment that most definitely will build.

A simple 'just get a divorce' is not helpful advice. I do plan on staying with her for reasons I don't think many will understand but I want her to pay for what she has done and make sure she never thinks of doing it again.

You say you "wont let her sweep it all under the rug" but by letting her believe she doesn't have to disclose everything, you just did.

[merrmeade]

Although I'm not sure what this will get you, since you say you had proof of it already in the emails. But when you said you you couldn't get her texts because she'd already deleted them after marc told you to do a text recovery, well, it sure sounds like you don't understand his shorthand.

 

So here's his list pared down to the essentials:

Whatever you do don't confront without evidence. I assume you saved what you found?

1. If you rugsweep this itll just get worse.
   
2. check your phone bill to determine if they've been or are still in contact. -go online; you should see a lot of calls, texts to a certain number.
   
3. do a deleted text recovery off her phone or the PC if she sincs it.
   
4. Voice Activated Recoder in her car to collect any phone conversations
   
5. A polygraph may be your best bet if you don't satisfy yourself with the above results.

marc, I saved what I found immediately. she has since deleted everything as I assumed she would.

So #1 - "If you rugsweep, it'll get worse." No need to explain; you've just seen this happen. When you report that she's already back to the status quo, that's what happened.

 

#2 - You checked your phone bill back 3 months. But did you try sorting the list of numbers for both calls and texts to see how many were to a certain number? To do that you click above the list of numbers and it will sort them in chronological order. Then you can see the number contacted the most.

 

Also check bank records and credit card statements for where she was when she bought gas, ate out, etc. and at what time. Also unusual purchases.

 

#3 - "Deleted text recovery" refers to special software that will recover deleted messages from a cell phone and converts them to legible text. There's a cost but not much. They have instructions on the website that you download it from. There's Dr. Fone, Decipher Text Message and others.

 

#4 - VAR is a recording device that comes on and starts recording only when there's talking. You put it somewhere that it won't be noticed.

 

#5 - Polygraph: Can definitely work. There's also a phenomenon called the parking lot confession (I think). You get all the way to the place with the polygraph tester, and the unfaithful spouse ends up confessing in the parking lot.

[Marc878]

I dont travel for too long, usually a night or two - rarely for 5-7 days.

But who cares? I shouldnt be watching my back every time I travel for work, trying to make money for our family.

Lets stop giving these cheaters legitimacy by complicating the reasons why they did it. They're ****ty people who felt they can get away with it - sometimes its as simple as that.

And why is it so bad that I seek revenge? Some dude tried, or succeeded in fkng my wife, why should he get away with it?

 

Update since I last posted- I was contemplating telling his wife, but mostly because my online investigative work couldnt conclusively prove who she is...and I wasnt about to message some random woman on FB to tell her the husband is cheating.

But a few days ago, in this huge city of ours... our families ran into each other at the local supermarket. Thats right, there he was with his child and wife (figured out who she is now that I have a face) -- and me with my wife and child. He and my wife had a ghostly look on their face, while his wife obliviously went through the motions.

I wanted to tell her right there and then but my wife begged me not to... in the produce dept. (I kid you not)

 

As for my wife - its been 2-3 months since D-Day and all the crying, begging me to stay and promising of 'change' is long forgotten. Back to same old ****ty wife with 0 sex drive, well for me at least.

 

One person cannot reconcile a marriage. She's had zero consequences.

 

Exposure at least to his wife is your only friend. Without warning. Let them deal with the fallout.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I went through something like this recently. Although we werent married nor had kids together, I just could not trust her anymore and it was destroying me inside. For my own well being I had to let her go.

 

So I can completely relate.

[Liam1]

A simple 'just get a divorce' is not helpful advice.

 

That type of advice is always way too simplistic.

 

I do plan on staying with her for reasons I dont think many will understand but I want her to pay for what she has done and make sure she never thinks of doing it again.

 

What I really want to know is.. for those that decided to stay... how did you do it without wanting to chock her to death as she sleeps (relax, I dont own a shovel and I wouldnt know how to dig a shallow grave).

Really, if you feel this way, it likely is best to get divorce.

 

Also, get some counseling, your aggressive attitude is not healthy in a marriage.

 

Also be very cautious about thinking you can beat the OMs ass. Maybe you can, maybe he can beat yours far harder.

 

Either way, if you attack him you can go to jail.

 

If he defends himself after you hit him, he will legally be allowed to break your jaw in self defense and you will still be deemed the attacker and his behavior self defense.

 

If you hurt him, you will be court ordered to compensate him for his medical bills.

 

Infidelity is not a crime, but assault will definitely land you in jail.

 

Even if you verbally harass him or threaten him, without touching him, that can also land you in jail.

 

Also, calling his wife, might also be considered harassment, if she takes her spouses side and deems the phone call alarming and unwanted behavior.

 

One unwanted phone call meant to alarm someone can be considered harassment, since the laws changed after 9/11.

 

Educate yourself before you fly off the handle.

 

In an assault case the judge will say: The OM did not take vows with you. Your wife did. The OM did not commit a crime, but you did.

 

Bail is set at..............

 

If you harass his wife with unwanted alarming information, the judge will say: Ignorance of the law is not an excuse.

 

Bail is set at.............

 

Also, if you do get arrested, it will make your wife's case better, if she files for a divorce.

 

Your aggressive behavior will negate her affair in a divorce case.

 

So I hope this is just your hurt and pain talking, not the real you.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Liam1

[Lobe]

BW in R with WH, 18 months out... and let me tell you you've only just begun. You've got a long road ahead of you, and your first decision needs to be whether or not you want your marriage back or you only want her back so you can make her pay. If you want her back, then you will need to make a huge commitment to heal. If you are done but just keeping her around to teach her a lesson, then you're kind of an arsehole and should just do everyone a favour and file for divorce. Since you've indicated you aren't sure what to do, here are some things to ponder.

 

In no particular order

 

tl;dr version

 

1) calm down and don't do something stupid

2) tell the AP's wife

3) put your child first

4) consider separation and counselling

5) read these books:

don't punish your wife - the affair was entirely your wife's fault but the unmet needs from the marriage that allowed the affair to happen are usually a joint responsibility

6) figure out how and why the affair happened and make a choice to deal with those things

 

extendamix:

 

1.) Breathe. Every time you feel the uncontrollable rage setting in, breathe. Slowly, intentionally, until the rage is controlled. The very last thing your child or your marriage needs is you going off half-cocked and doing something regrettable (or punishable by law.) If you have to, put yourself on a time-out, go in another room, and breathe. But absolutely no revenge affairs or baseball bats.

 

2.) Put your child first. Always. When breathing isn't enough to calm you down, remember that your actions will impact your child and he needs the grown ups to handle this, with civility and maturity, so he doesn't have to bear witness to violent outbursts. It's safe to assume that things could go south at a moment's notice, so when you start losing sight of what's really important (which contrary to what you feel right now does not involve punishing her or taking out her lover's kneecaps) remember there are little eyes watching.

 

3.) I am very much a big fan of telling the M's wife, but that's a call you will have to make. If you decide to tell, it should not berate her or her husband, but should be handled with delicacy and respect, as the other wife is about to get blown apart the same way you have been. Something discreet, sensitive, and to the point. If you plan on crushing the wife, there's no point in pussyfooting around and threatening your wife's boyfriend. "Dear BW. I regret to inform you that I have recently discovered some inappropriate communication between your husband and my wife. Attached are the details/call records/emails I have to confirm my suspicion. I am so sorry to tell you this but I it may be important in order to protect my marriage." Some people argue that there's no reason to destroy two marriage but in my opinion, lack of d-day doesn't mean they're not in the sh*t.

 

4.) Consider separation and counselling. A girlfriend of mine who was in marriage counselling was given an exercise to draw up a separation agreement as part of their therapy, and that was perhaps the first time they had considered exactly what was at stake. (They're still together and happy as clams several years later.) If you are able to, I think lawdepot.com has free ones you can work with depending on your location. While it might sound like a handy manipulation tool since you may not ever use it, don't use it as a threat. The intent is to have it as an insurance policy that your son's interests are protected. If R works, you can always rip it up later. IC is for her would deal with her cheating issues. IC for you would deal with your tanked self-esteem, your anger, and coming to terms with the fact that you share responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage, even if your only fault is not asking your wife why doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. MC is for both of you to work on the marriage, but can wait a few months until both your wife and you have worked through some of the initial pain and confusion.

 

5.) Go get these two books, and take turns reading them with your wife. You should start with Linda MacDonald (this is free online - paste this in your search bar: lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf) and hand your wife a copy of "Not Just Friends" from the library (or you can buy it at Indigo or online at Amazon amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1/175-9310265-4009766?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=not+just+friends) and swap back later. They will help you understand what the other person is going through and determine if you are ready to take the road to reconciliation or if it's time to divorce.

 

6.) You can't forgive your WS if your primary objective is to punish her. Sometimes good people make stupid mistakes and as difficult as it may seem to believe right now, you and her can come to a place of forgiveness and understanding regardless of whether the marriage remains intact, but it requires looking beyond the affair. Some sources claim as many as 7 types of affairs exist, but they all boil down to 3, in my books: a) the person is rotten to the core, b) it's an exit affair, or c) the affair was addressing the WS's unmet needs in the most selfish and insensitive way humanly possible. There are a few complete psychopathic narcissistic serial cheaters out there, but they're not nearly as common as you might want to think, in the grander scheme of things. Where b) is concerned, the TRUE exit affair is one where the cheater is actually done, which s not to be confused with cheaters in category c) who start rewriting marriage history to justify the affair and claim it's an exit affair when it really isn't. The most common type is c) which is when good people do stupid things they end up regretting and may never fully recover from.

 

The affair is HER fault, but the gap in the marriage was created or developed because BOTH of you were not paying attention. You need to ask yourself, what was going on leading up to the affair? The only way an affair can happen is if enough time and space are available. The time and space is either available and gets filled with an affair, or the affair starts and the wayward creates the time and space. Affairs are usually a result of unmet needs, not just the wayward but the betrayed. There is no way you can start dealing with what lead up to the affair until there is full disclosure and accountability on her part, but in the meantime it's not a bad idea to start thinking about what was percolating in your marriage around that time. You've mentioned a lack of sex - do you know why? Did something happen? New career? Loss of job? Move to a new home? Kid started school?

 

If you're already at the point of contempt for her, which it sounds like you do, you're going to have a really tough time turning it around. So, how bad do you want your marriage to work?

[66Charger]

Sometimes, punching a cheater in the face is worth the price. (Not a woman though)

 

Just sayin

[WilyWill]

EXPOSE. His wife deserves to know what she is married to. No need for you to get aggressive with him or punch hom out; his wife can take care of that. Send her the embarrassing emails. Let your wife finally see some consequences.

[LifesontheUp]

As for my wife - its been 2-3 months since D-Day and all the crying, begging me to stay and promising of 'change' is long forgotten. Back to same old ****ty wife with 0 sex drive, well for me at least.

 

So you happy to live like this? Happy for your child to be in an environment where they will detect the unhappiness even if you believe you put on the greatest front not to.

 

I feel for you. Staying for your kids to me is never the best option. Taken from a kid whose father stayed with a cheating mother.

[road]

But a few days ago, in this huge city of ours... our families ran into each other at the local supermarket. Thats right, there he was with his child and wife (figured out who she is now that I have a face) -- and me with my wife and child. He and my wife had a ghostly look on their face, while his wife obliviously went through the motions.

I wanted to tell her right there and then but my wife begged me not to... in the produce dept. (I kid you not)

 

As for my wife - its been 2-3 months since D-Day and all the crying, begging me to stay and promising of 'change' is long forgotten. Back to same old ****ty wife with 0 sex drive, well for me at least.

 

 

 

All because you will not expose the affair.

[aliveagain]

Tell the other mans wife, treat him with the same amount of respect he gave you. Any man that will fu*k another mans wife doesn't deserve too much respect. Expose, expose, expose.

[loveisanaction]

Tell the other mans wife, treat him with the same amount of respect he gave you. Any man that will fu*k another mans wife doesn't deserve too much respect. Expose, expose, expose.

 

Agreed!!!!

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, after reading the poster's OP and the responses that most of the good people on this forum have made to his post and also his subsequent posts, it occurs to me that Sam is refusing to face facts as they present themselves to him and is reiterating all the wrong reasons for wanting to continue to stay with his wife. It seems his wife has figured out that he will do NOTHING to change the status quo so she is happily back to behaving the way she was before and knows that she has her husband by his b...s and squirm as he may, he poses no threat to her the marriage or her OM. Soon she will restart her affair but will make sure she and her beau take it deep underground so that her husband cannot even get a sniff in to what she is doing.

It is obvious the OP's wife has lost respect for her husband and soon she may even flaunt her affair in his face. She knows that for all his bluster he does'nt have the backbone to stand up to her and she will apply her bag of tricks, if he ever does start making noises of protest, to soothe his ruffled feathers. As far as OP's stated intentions of punishing his wife and making her suffer, these are just fulminations of an impotent man who cannot lift a little finger to hurt a fly. His stated intention of hurting the OM and making him pay are also constructs of a similar nature. This being so I think the good folk on this forum may like to offer good advice to some other poor soul who is willing to heed voices of reason and experience. Warm wishes all around.

[S2B]

You had an opportunity at that market!

 

YOU chose to stay silent! Or rather - allowed your wife to still call the shots and convince you not to tell!

 

So now you are literally going along with it by not speaking up!

 

Expose!

 

Helping your wife cover up HER behavior is not helpful to you or the marriage.

 

Tell the OMM wife today!

 

Who cares what your wife thinks! She is the one who cheated and still looks like she doesn't care about YOUR feelings! Stop helping her to keep it a secret!

 

If she doesn't like that then too bad. It's time you prioritize yourself!

 

You're getting zero sex is likely because she is still getting it from the OMM.

 

Start doing everything to expose her for the rat that she is. The OM wife deserves to know too - she is at risk for diseases. Tell her.

[merrmeade]

So, Sam, I think you need a heads-up about the difference between shame and remorse. I'm realizing that there's not enough clarification for BSs when a WS is getting all emotional and begging forgiveness. You have to listen closely - but it's not hard - to see the difference between shame and remorse.

 

You're one of many who got the penitent talk about change and the traumatized crying and begging

... 'fully open' with me, giving me a sincere talk about how she wants things to change between us (only after she got caught) and crying for a few days feeling ****ty about what she's done. ... crying, begging me to stay

 

At some point, you might realize that remorse is not the same as shame. And probably the most excruciating pleas and lamentations are more about fear of exposure. There's some remorse mixed in probably, but think about it: That kind of exposure of something that a person expected to stay secret and underground because of how badly others would view it (and the person) and/or because s/he just couldn't stop. Whichever, it's based in fear of exposure, protecting oneSELF. SHAME is about seeing one's darkest secret(s) exposed and NOT about the pain caused another, which is true remorse.

 

The other thing about shame is that they HATE TO see you suffering or listen to you talk about your pain precisely because it they're reminded of what they did. That's followed by the Get over it or Better to move on talk. It's not that subtle once you live with it a while.

 

Think about it and the quick turn-around you've seen. That's not remorse. That's damage control and then - who cares? When the threat of exposure arose again, she begged you and you relented. That was all about her.

 

I can say my husband did begin to show true remorse at some point, but I can't guarantee that everyone will do that or that I'd recommend going through it.