Sex less marriage

[mrstang69]

I want to know why couples have sexless marriages? My wife never thinks about but once a month is not easy to do. Bugs me that we don't do it more often but she could care less about it. Anyway, I feel everyone should have sex more often.

[Dolfin80]

I want to know why couples have sexless marriages? My wife never thinks about but once a month is not easy to do. Bugs me that we don't do it more often but she could care less about it. Anyway, I feel everyone should have sex more often.

 

You answered your own question, because some couldn't care less about sex.

[elaine567]

You answered your own question, because some couldn't care less about sex.

Or the sex they are being offered is not a turn on for them.

As someone here said last week, her ex husband would describe her as LD, but she was HD, only she was not turned on by the "hooker style" sex he was offering her, and he wouldn't discuss it.

 

OP - have you considered what does your wife get out of the sex with you?

Is all well in your marriage, resentment is a huge passion killer too. Women like to have sex with men they emotionally connect with, are you emotionally connected to your wife?

[Hopeful714]

What kind of man are you and what do you offer emotionally and to the relationship in general to make your wife desire you and WANT to have sex with you?

 

So many sex issues here where men just don't get it (womans needs) and expect a woman to [have sex] without offering anything in return. Don't mean to sound crass, but this DOES seem to be the crux of most of these problems. Women who aren't in satisfying relationships don't really want to dole out hooker style sex much to please their guy if there's nothing in it for them.

 

Be a man worthy of getting good sex, and you will get it. If you still don't, then it's time to go.

 

Now let's hear what a great husband you are....

Edited April 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~6

[dichotomy]

If you look through many threads - low sex or sexless marriages are not always the "fault" of the other spouse. I know after a year of couples therapy this is the case in my low sex marriage.

 

Low sex or sexless marriages can be caused by many reasons some of which are tied specifically to the disinterested partner and have nothing to do with the other spouse. Also don't think some wives (women) do. I am focusing on women here - but men have many reasons as well for loosing interest that you might not think are "men" reasons.

 

I am not saying that in some or many cases - the spouse being turned down has some role in the loss of sex in marriage - just that it can be complex and not easily resolved with just being "a nicer, supportive, good spouse".

 

Sexual interest can be a complex and tricky thing in long term relationships - especially in marriage and with kids.

Edited April 9, 2016 by dichotomy

[central]

My first marriage was sexless. I tried everything. It wasn't anything I did or did not do - she was just low drive. So I divorced her and found a woman who loves sex and loves me. We have a wonderful relationship, and now? Best. Sex. Life. Ever!

[dichotomy]

My first marriage was sexless. I tried everything. It wasn't anything I did or did not do - she was just low drive. So I divorced her and found a woman who loves sex and loves me. We have a wonderful relationship, and now? Best. Sex. Life. Ever!

 

 

Did your ex continue to have a low sex drive after you left her ? Assuming you were aware of her dating or relationships afterwards.

 

Thats another tricky thing - some supposedly LD spouses are truly LD - they are just not that into sex. While others seem to find their normal or high drive when single once more (for various reasons).

 

I suspect my wife may (not sure she is older now) find her drive again if we divorced. But I believe that would occur do to several reasons - she likes sexual variety/new/strange (over monogamy) and because (as she acknowledged during therapy) its expected by dating partners that she put out more and better.

 

One last thing - our sex life "quality" has picked up since our Marriage sex therapy work, but quantity has not. Its at least some improvement.

Edited April 9, 2016 by dichotomy

[Mr. Lucky]

Did your ex continue to have a low sex drive after you left her ?

 

I can only imagine having that conversation with my ex-wife. Not...

 

Mr. Lucky

[central]

Did your ex continue to have a low sex drive after you left her ? Assuming you were aware of her dating or relationships afterwards.

 

I'm pretty sure she remained LD. She didn't date for years. Eventually she dated, and eventually had a guy move it - but in a separate bedroom. So, I suspect they may both be LD, and if so they may be well suited to each other.

[Soxfaninfl]

I'm in a sexless marriage right now. We haven't had sex in 10 months now. My wife is on antidepressants, and she has no sex drive. We are in counseling right now.

[Soxfaninfl]

My first marriage was sexless. I tried everything. It wasn't anything I did or did not do - she was just low drive. So I divorced her and found a woman who loves sex and loves me. We have a wonderful relationship, and now? Best. Sex. Life. Ever!

 

Central, how long did you hang in there before you threw in the towel?

[cc_zero]

I recommend anyone who's in a sexless or very low sex marriage to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It costs 9.99 and well worth it.

 

It certainly doesn't apply to everyone, but applies to many and honestly I think it's one of the only things that will truly work if there's a possibility of improvement, which sometimes, there just isn't. Many swear there's a ratio of how into you your wife is (that basically there's this magic line in there somewhere) most call it 50% interest. Once she drops below 50% interest in you, they say there's no coming back, you'll never revive it. But as long as you're above 50%, there's a chance a book like No More Mr. Nice Guy or another book more relevant to your situation may help revive your marriage. The only way to find out is to employ some of the tactics set out in the book and they either lead to improvement or divorce. Either way, you'll end up happier.

[TrustedthenBusted]

If your wife masturbates, I'd say you have a shot at fixing the problem. If she doesn't, you're probably out of luck. Trying to get someone else to want sex is like pushing a tired mule uphill.

[central]

Central, how long did you hang in there before you threw in the towel?

 

24 years. Which was about 23 more than I should have, if I'd been smarter or had the internet to refer to back then!

[Liam1]

there's a chance a book like No More Mr. Nice Guy or another book more relevant to your situation may help revive your marriage. The only way to find out is to employ some of the tactics set out in the book and they either lead to improvement or divorce. Either way, you'll end up happier.

 

Exactly. Finding your Alpha male will either lead to a divorce or significantly improve your marriage.

 

Either way. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

It seems though that Low or no sex drive is more commonly a female problem. They start of the relationship being very interested and sexual and then they lose interest once they feel that they are very secure in the marriage.

[jasmineb]

We talk about so many things before marriage: children, careers, budgets, finances, in-laws, and such. But how many people talk about sex and their expectations? If I were to ever consider marrying again, I would make it clear that one sexual dry spell would mean going straight to counseling. Two dry spells would mean dealbreaker. If you do not plan to have sex, do not get married. The end.

[dichotomy]

I recommend anyone who's in a sexless or very low sex marriage to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It costs 9.99 and well worth it.

 

It certainly doesn't apply to everyone, but applies to many and honestly I think it's one of the only things that will truly work if there's a possibility of improvement, which sometimes, there just isn't. Many swear there's a ratio of how into you your wife is (that basically there's this magic line in there somewhere) most call it 50% interest. Once she drops below 50% interest in you, they say there's no coming back, you'll never revive it. But as long as you're above 50%, there's a chance a book like No More Mr. Nice Guy or another book more relevant to your situation may help revive your marriage. The only way to find out is to employ some of the tactics set out in the book and they either lead to improvement or divorce. Either way, you'll end up happier.

 

 

True.

 

Athol Kay also has several books and a website devoted to married men "manning up". I read one of his books and similar advice. I believe it helped some what in my marriage (along with marriage therapy) to change a bit in some areas - and in any case I needed to improve a bit anyway regardless of what happened in the marriage.

 

However every marriage and wife is different. In my case my wife did not want to be submissive and dominated by me - but she did want a bit of a fellow "bad ass" as a partner - but not to any extremes.

[DreamP]

We talk about so many things before marriage: children, careers, budgets, finances, in-laws, and such. But how many people talk about sex and their expectations? If I were to ever consider marrying again, I would make it clear that one sexual dry spell would mean going straight to counseling. Two dry spells would mean dealbreaker. If you do not plan to have sex, do not get married. The end.

 

So true. We never have that conversation. We just assume that whatever our sex life is during dating, that will continue afterwards.

[Michelle ma Belle]

My first marriage was sexless. I tried everything. It wasn't anything I did or did not do - she was just low drive. So I divorced her and found a woman who loves sex and loves me. We have a wonderful relationship, and now? Best. Sex. Life. Ever!

 

AMEN!

 

I was married for 20 years and spent nearly half of that sexless. It became toxic and tainted every aspect of our marriage and life. There was nothing that worked to husbands affections to no avail. I too ended up divorcing him as a result. He remains the same way in his current relationship so I now know it wasn't me.

 

I've since been in a few wonderful relationships with partners who were far more sexually compatible than my ex husband. My sex life is on MY terms now and is awesome. I have no regrets!

[dichotomy]

AMEN!

 

I too ended up divorcing him as a result. He remains the same way in his current relationship so I now know it wasn't me.

 

 

 

Just wanted to point out - even if your ex all of a sudden had a sexual awakening after the divorce - you could still know it was not "you". I mean it might hurt and be a bit confusing to you - but it could still not be about you.

 

Hypothetically - I believe my wife could (maybe) become more sexual if we divorced - like she was when she was single - but I am confident after a year of couples work that even if that happened - its still not about me.

 

If you know what I mean.

Edited April 11, 2016 by dichotomy

[Scrivdog]

What kind of man are you and what do you offer emotionally and to the relationship in general to make your wife desire you and WANT to have sex with you?

 

So many sex issues here where men just don't get it (womans needs) and expect a woman to [have sex] without offering anything in return. Don't mean to sound crass, but this DOES seem to be the crux of most of these problems. Women who aren't in satisfying relationships don't really want to dole out hooker style sex much to please their guy if there's nothing in it for them.

 

Be a man worthy of getting good sex, and you will get it. If you still don't, then it's time to go.

 

Now let's hear what a great husband you are....

The guy takes her out on his yatch for a leisurely cruise along the Caribbean. Is that not enough?? What more does the man need to do?

[stilltrying16]

We talk about so many things before marriage: children, careers, budgets, finances, in-laws, and such. But how many people talk about sex and their expectations? If I were to ever consider marrying again, I would make it clear that one sexual dry spell would mean going straight to counseling. Two dry spells would mean dealbreaker. If you do not plan to have sex, do not get married. The end.

 

Great topic. I saw a big change in my husband before and after our marriage when it came to sex. I don't think it was deliberate manipulation on his part. But something happened. I really wish I'd overcome my own feeling of being unwanted to insist on a frank conversation about what sex meant to him either before our marriage or when the problem first emerged. We were very "touchy" in other ways- lots of cuddling, physical closeness, etc. Sex was the only major problem in that relationship- it's ended now but it still provokes some anxiety in me.

[Dolfin80]

We talk about so many things before marriage: children, careers, budgets, finances, in-laws, and such. But how many people talk about sex and their expectations? If I were to ever consider marrying again, I would make it clear that one sexual dry spell would mean going straight to counseling. Two dry spells would mean dealbreaker. If you do not plan to have sex, do not get married. The end.

 

But it's the other way round. If you do plan on having sex, do not get married, stay single and have as much sex as you want with others.

 

Being married slows down your sex life. When you are single you can have as much sex as you want. You can have sex every night if you want.

Edited April 12, 2016 by Dolfin80

[Dolfin80]

The guy takes her out on his yatch for a leisurely cruise along the Caribbean. Is that not enough?? What more does the man need to do?

 

Lol, that wouldn't make me have sex with a man.

[Who_took_my_name]

What kind of man are you and what do you offer emotionally and to the relationship in general to make your wife desire you and WANT to have sex with you?

 

So many sex issues here where men just don't get it (womans needs) and expect a woman to [have sex] without offering anything in return. Don't mean to sound crass, but this DOES seem to be the crux of most of these problems. Women who aren't in satisfying relationships don't really want to dole out hooker style sex much to please their guy if there's nothing in it for them.

 

Be a man worthy of getting good sex, and you will get it. If you still don't, then it's time to go.

 

Now let's hear what a great husband you are....

 

In theory that's the obvious solution but when a sexless partner refuses to engage or just says everything is fine then addressing that person's needs isn't that simple. I've tried various approaches, different times but it ends up with the same result...rejection.

 

I think what you're missing are the needs of the partner who is being ignored or rejected, not always a male either. You seem to imply that women communicate in a certain way but equally the same is true of men, I think I'm a good husband and father but if my wife doesn't think so then she needs to say so rather than trying to communicate in her way - I.e. It's a two way street.