Sex less marriage

[elaine567]

I think some women are in relationships where they feel unheard, they say things again and again to find the husband takes not one blind bit of notice, or he minimises or trivialises her concerns, or the "nagging" accusation is rolled out.

So whilst it may be on her to "communicate", sometimes by the time she is not wanting sex, the relationship is probably pretty far down a bad road as regards "communication".

The sexlessness can be a symptom of deeper problems, rather than the main issue.

[cc_zero]

I think some women are in relationships where they feel unheard, they say things again and again to find the husband takes not one blind bit of notice, or he minimises or trivialises her concerns, or the "nagging" accusation is rolled out.

So whilst it may be on her to "communicate", sometimes by the time she is not wanting sex, the relationship is probably pretty far down a bad road as regards "communication".

The sexlessness can be a symptom of deeper problems, rather than the main issue.

 

I can't speak for why a man loses interest in sex with his wife, unless he's secretly gay, that just does not comprehend for me.

 

However, I can attest to what happens in a lot of marriages when the wife loses interest in sex and how it got there.

 

Marriage year 1 - Plenty of sex, newness, not a ton of responsibilities, maybe a new mortgage payment, fun honeymoon

 

Marriage year 2 - She's pregnant, sex slows down big time, husband is annoyed but clearly understands the situation and deals, she's very pre-occupied with coming baby, husband finds himself slipping down priority ladder

 

Marriage year 3 - baby is here, sex still way lower, possibly gone for awhile post baby, Husband still dealing but getting frustrated, baby and lists and schedules have become top priority, husband slips further down the priority list, husband starts to become complacent and somewhat resentful, romance, flowers and date nights mostly gone at this point, Wife starts to become resentful of the lack of romance and why her husband doesn't hold her hand in public anymore or write her cute poems... (hint .. it's cause he fell down to the bottom of her priority list and he's very resentful of it)

 

Marriage year 4 - baby is older, wife runs the house like a factory, husbands needs are literally the last thing she thinks about most of the time, Husband has become beta at this point, it's yes dear, sure dear, shuts down in any argument and just stays quiet, he's ever resentful of the lack of interest in him from his wife, still resentful of being at the bottom of the list, Wife becomes even less attracted to him because he's no a quiet yes man that says nothing and appears boring and has no romance or spunk.. and she doesn't know why.

 

Marriage year 5 - possibly baby 2, but we'll stick with one, Husband is even more frustrated about low level of sex and his place in the family, has completely withdrawn and looks to be completely uninterested in the family or her, he's essentially lost 80% of his manhood at this point. She runs the house and schedule, he has very little say, says o.k. most of the time or remains quiet.

 

Marriage year 6 - this is around where someone starts an affair, either her because she thinks her husband is completely boring and uninterested and/or no longer attracted to him at all. or him because he can't stand having hardly any sex anymore and feels completely demoralized.

 

So what are the key lessons learned here for the future;

 

For Her - Once baby comes and life becomes complicated, DO NOT send your husband to the bottom of your priority list. Make time and your needs will be met in return.

 

For Him - DO NOT go Beta!.. do not go silent and turn into a voiceless yes man. You appear uninterested and look like you don't care. You have to resist the easy path to fall into a complacent corner and fight to remain a strong figure within the family.

 

Just my generalized road map I guess. Will be interested to see how familiar this sounds to others.

[Scrivdog]

... For Him - DO NOT go Beta!.. do not go silent and turn into a voiceless yes man. You appear uninterested and look like you don't care. You have to resist the easy path to fall into a complacent corner and fight to remain a strong figure within the family.

 

 

Let's hear details on this part. I'm taking notes. Whenever you're ready, champ.

Edited April 12, 2016 by Scrivdog

[Dolfin80]

I can't speak for why a man loses interest in sex with his wife, unless he's secretly gay, that just does not comprehend for me.

 

However, I can attest to what happens in a lot of marriages when the wife loses interest in sex and how it got there.

 

Marriage year 1 - Plenty of sex, newness, not a ton of responsibilities, maybe a new mortgage payment, fun honeymoon

 

Marriage year 2 - She's pregnant, sex slows down big time, husband is annoyed but clearly understands the situation and deals, she's very pre-occupied with coming baby, husband finds himself slipping down priority ladder

 

Marriage year 3 - baby is here, sex still way lower, possibly gone for awhile post baby, Husband still dealing but getting frustrated, baby and lists and schedules have become top priority, husband slips further down the priority list, husband starts to become complacent and somewhat resentful, romance, flowers and date nights mostly gone at this point, Wife starts to become resentful of the lack of romance and why her husband doesn't hold her hand in public anymore or write her cute poems... (hint .. it's cause he fell down to the bottom of her priority list and he's very resentful of it)

 

Marriage year 4 - baby is older, wife runs the house like a factory, husbands needs are literally the last thing she thinks about most of the time, Husband has become beta at this point, it's yes dear, sure dear, shuts down in any argument and just stays quiet, he's ever resentful of the lack of interest in him from his wife, still resentful of being at the bottom of the list, Wife becomes even less attracted to him because he's no a quiet yes man that says nothing and appears boring and has no romance or spunk.. and she doesn't know why.

 

Marriage year 5 - possibly baby 2, but we'll stick with one, Husband is even more frustrated about low level of sex and his place in the family, has completely withdrawn and looks to be completely uninterested in the family or her, he's essentially lost 80% of his manhood at this point. She runs the house and schedule, he has very little say, says o.k. most of the time or remains quiet.

 

Marriage year 6 - this is around where someone starts an affair, either her because she thinks her husband is completely boring and uninterested and/or no longer attracted to him at all. or him because he can't stand having hardly any sex anymore and feels completely demoralized.

 

So what are the key lessons learned here for the future;

 

For Her - Once baby comes and life becomes complicated, DO NOT send your husband to the bottom of your priority list. Make time and your needs will be met in return.

 

For Him - DO NOT go Beta!.. do not go silent and turn into a voiceless yes man. You appear uninterested and look like you don't care. You have to resist the easy path to fall into a complacent corner and fight to remain a strong figure within the family.

 

Just my generalized road map I guess. Will be interested to see how familiar this sounds to others.

 

Don't have children? Don't get marriage? If your needs are wanting a lot of sex then why not stay single and live that lifestyle. You could be having sex every night if you need that.

Edited April 12, 2016 by Dolfin80

[Michelle ma Belle]

But it's the other way round. If you do plan on having sex, do not get married, stay single and have as much sex as you want with others.

 

Being married slows down your sex life. When you are single you can have as much sex as you want. You can have sex every night if you want.

 

This sadly speaks to me and why I don't have any desire to marry again.

 

My greatest fear is to be locked in another unhappy marriage, particularly where the lack of sex is concerned. At least if I remain single I feel like I have some control over my sex life.

 

Some people argue that being married makes you work harder to keep your marriage. I suppose with some people that may be true but I'm of the mindset that being unmarried makes you work harder because you know there is nothing keeping you tied together and that could lose your partner if you don't step up to the plate time after time.

 

I totally believe in commitment and monogamy but marriage? It would take one seriously special man to make me think marriage would lead to happily ever after

[Scrivdog]

But it's the other way round. If you do plan on having sex, do not get married, stay single and have as much sex as you want with others.

 

Being married slows down your sex life. When you are single you can have as much sex as you want. You can have sex every night if you want.

I thought you were joking at first. But you're serious, aren't you? You actually think that sex is an imposition upon the marriage. This place never ceases to amaze me.

[cc_zero]

Let's hear details on this part. I'm taking notes. Whenever you're ready, champ.

 

Sure. You must not become focused on making sure she is happy all the time. This typically occurs because the Male thinks, incorrectly, that if I do this and this and this for her, she'll be happier and want to have sex with me. Do not avoid conflict, speak up, maintain respect. Be strong, invest in yourself, don't turn into a silent blob. Do not appear to grovel or trade gifts/services for sex. I.e. if I help with the laundry, bring her flowers, make sure the kids lunches are made and bring home a nice bottle of wine, she'll have sex with me. Wrong. She wont.

 

Do not turn into a P#$$y because you are afraid she'll get mad and then you'll definitely not have sex.

 

Example... you get up early, get the kids up and ready for school, clean up the kitchen to let her sleep in a bit... she gets up and the first thing she says is why you'd put little Jessica in that outfit. What's your reaction? "Oh i'm sorry sweetie, i didn't realize, I thought it was one of the ones you liked." Cause you were trying to make her happy and still don't want her to be mad cause if she is, she won't have sex with you. NO... your response should be "WTF.. I got up and got the kids ready and all you have to say is I picked the wrong outfit?" ... Cause I gaurantee you, if things were swapped, that would be her response to you.

 

Without maintaining your own respect, she won't respect you. If she doesn't respect you, she won't be attracted to you. Simple as that. Voiceless, groveling P#$$y man not attractive.

[Scrivdog]

Sure. You must not become focused on making sure she is happy all the time. This typically occurs because the Male thinks, incorrectly, that if I do this and this and this for her, she'll be happier and want to have sex with me. Do not avoid conflict, speak up, maintain respect. Be strong, invest in yourself, don't turn into a silent blob. Do not appear to grovel or trade gifts/services for sex. I.e. if I help with the laundry, bring her flowers, make sure the kids lunches are made and bring home a nice bottle of wine, she'll have sex with me. Wrong. She wont.

 

Do not turn into a P#$$y because you are afraid she'll get mad and then you'll definitely not have sex.

 

Example... you get up early, get the kids up and ready for school, clean up the kitchen to let her sleep in a bit... she gets up and the first thing she says is why you'd put little Jessica in that outfit. What's your reaction? "Oh i'm sorry sweetie, i didn't realize, I thought it was one of the ones you liked." Cause you were trying to make her happy and still don't want her to be mad cause if she is, she won't have sex with you. NO... your response should be "WTF.. I got up and got the kids ready and all you have to say is I picked the wrong outfit?" ... Cause I gaurantee you, if things were swapped, that would be her response to you.

 

Without maintaining your own respect, she won't respect you. If she doesn't respect you, she won't be attracted to you. Simple as that. Voiceless, groveling P#$$y man not attractive.

Oh I see. That Alpha Male puffery again. Ok - good luck.

[dichotomy]

Everyone does have to decide whats best for them.Especially in a sexless marriage.

 

 

But the choices are complicated sometimes especially in low sex (as opposed to no sex) marriage ....and even more complicated when there is other wise a good marriage, kids, family and home that could be lost. How much sex compensates when there is a loss or reduction in other things in your life.

 

Its tough stuff - and my heart goes out to folks struggling with this.

[cc_zero]

Oh I see. That Alpha Male puffery again. Ok - good luck.

 

It's not puffery.. it's returning blows.. not taking them in the corner.

[RecentChange]

Alright - I kinda have to laugh at the "if you are single you can have sex EVERY night bit".

 

Do you mean single as in unmarried? Without a GF or BF, or a VERY regular FWB, it's kinda hard to have sex EVERY night of the week....how would one accomplish this? Dragging home randoms from the bar on a regular?

 

Marriage doesn't cause sex not to happen - but long term relationships can take their toll on ones sex life. It can be hard to overcome routine, bordem etc after a decade or two with the same person.

 

15 years in, I can say I have more sex now, than when I was single - even though I was quite sexually active in my single years.... I still wouldnt top 4+ times a week on a regular basis, like I do now in a LTR.

 

And just because you love sex, doesn't mean you won't fall in love with someone, or want to build a life with a partner. I find the notion that you can have sex, or a marriage a bit laughable.

 

Lucky for me, my partner and I have worked through the lulls that popped up over the years. Finding new, exciting aspects to our sex life is fun, and reinvigorating.

[Dolfin80]

I thought you were joking at first. But you're serious, aren't you? You actually think that sex is an imposition upon the marriage. This place never ceases to amaze me.

 

Yes of course I'm serious. stay single have a lot of sex. Different date every night or diff prostitute (if u prefer them). Your a free bird to fornicate as much as you want. Sound better than the alternative.......married and no sex again.....lolzzzzz

Edited April 13, 2016 by Dolfin80

[Dolfin80]

This sadly speaks to me and why I don't have any desire to marry again.

 

My greatest fear is to be locked in another unhappy marriage, particularly where the lack of sex is concerned. At least if I remain single I feel like I have some control over my sex life.

 

Some people argue that being married makes you work harder to keep your marriage. I suppose with some people that may be true but I'm of the mindset that being unmarried makes you work harder because you know there is nothing keeping you tied together and that could lose your partner if you don't step up to the plate time after time.

 

I totally believe in commitment and monogamy but marriage? It would take one seriously special man to make me think marriage would lead to happily ever after

 

There's an old saying. If you put a jellybean into the jar for every time you have sex before marriage you will fill the jar then after marriage take a jellybean out for each time you have sex, you will never empty that jar of Jellybeans.

 

Marriage = no sex haha!

[Dolfin80]

Alright - I kinda have to laugh at the "if you are single you can have sex EVERY night bit".

 

Do you mean single as in unmarried? Without a GF or BF, or a VERY regular FWB, it's kinda hard to have sex EVERY night of the week....how would one accomplish this? Dragging home randoms from the bar on a regular?

.

 

sounds like you haven't dated in quite a while, the world is you oyster now, you could have a different person every night if you wanted to

 

You can even have sex twice in one night!

 

So this beats being in a sexless marriage if you want a lot of sex

Edited April 13, 2016 by Dolfin80

[RecentChange]

Let's say it's complicated - but I am also a bit familiar with how things are "out there" right now. Sure, it could be done, sleeping with lets say 100 people a year. But it takes a lot of time and effort to make that happen.

 

I get laid twice a day regularly, and I know he is disease free, good looking, and I don't have to text / drive etc etc and make it happen.

 

Not all marriages are sexless..... Really. We just got back from a road trip, and there were all sorts of antics that would make many blush.

 

Marry someone you are compatable with. Someone you have great sex with. Someone that wants nothing more than to see you happy, and wishes to fulfill your desires.

[TrustedthenBusted]

My 13 year old son asked me the other day if sex is really all that important. Seems the girls his age are all already talking about it, so he came to me to get the scoop.

 

I told him no...in 7th grade it's not important at all. IN High School, it will SEEM really important, but nah....it's really not.

 

But when you get married, it's one of the most important things there is.

[Liam1]

Marry someone you are compatable with. Someone you have great sex with. Someone that wants nothing more than to see you happy, and wishes to fulfill your desires.

 

Good point.

 

However people change. The change may or may not have anything to do with the spouse or changes in the marriage.

 

I did marry someone that was sexually compatible. Very sexually compatible. Then after a time, for many years, she was no longer interested.

 

She said during that dry spell: "I have transcended sex" Those were her words, and she felt it was not important and counseling to address it was equally unimportant.

 

She has no reason for it. Brain chemistry perhaps, boredom, who knows. But nothing changed through out the years except that she unilaterally decided that sex was not an important component of marriage.

 

Personally, I do not think is is the MOST important component, but it is a component.

 

I personally do not think there is any ONE component that makes a marriage work. There are many moving parts to a marriage and all are important and all need to be tended to.

 

IMO, it is the entire package of many components that comprise a marriage that is important.

[dichotomy]

Let's say it's complicated - but I am also a bit familiar with how things are "out there" right now. Sure, it could be done, sleeping with lets say 100 people a year. But it takes a lot of time and effort to make that happen.

 

I get laid twice a day regularly, and I know he is disease free, good looking, and I don't have to text / drive etc etc and make it happen.

 

Not all marriages are sexless..... Really. We just got back from a road trip, and there were all sorts of antics that would make many blush.

 

Marry someone you are compatable with. Someone you have great sex with. Someone that wants nothing more than to see you happy, and wishes to fulfill your desires.

 

I dunno maybe some of you are young enough or hot enough...or your just a good looking woman who can make it happen. I am an average middle aged family guy with kids.

 

Long story short - I don't envision getting divorced -losing my home, half my money, time with my kids and moving into a small apartment AND getting wild sex three times a week with a rotating list of hot 40-50 something women... while maintain my job, workouts, volunteer activities, and visit my kids who miss me.

 

No I see me sitting in that small apparent, at night alone, in the dark tying to use match.com on my PC -and hoping in a week or two I might get lucky on a Saturday night.

 

Which is why I stick (with some sadness) with 1-2 times a month my wife offers and enjoy my kids and home.

 

For those who are getting absolutely no sex - its perhaps a different decision.

Edited April 13, 2016 by dichotomy

[Dolfin80]

Let's say it's complicated - but I am also a bit familiar with how things are "out there" right now. Sure, it could be done, sleeping with lets say 100 people a year. But it takes a lot of time and effort to make that happen.

 

I get laid twice a day regularly, and I know he is disease free, good looking, and I don't have to text / drive etc etc and make it happen.

 

Not all marriages are sexless..... Really. We just got back from a road trip, and there were all sorts of antics that would make many blush.

 

Marry someone you are compatable with. Someone you have great sex with. Someone that wants nothing more than to see you happy, and wishes to fulfill your desires.

 

So your advice to is to not marry someone who you don't have great sex with. I'm pretty sure the OP did that (and OPs in several other threads) but the marriage turned into sexless. So how does this offer advice and support to the OP. (Moderators recently explained to me that to post on this forum you must directly relate your post to the OP).

Edited April 13, 2016 by Dolfin80

[Dolfin80]

I dunno maybe some of you are young enough or hot enough...or your just a good looking woman who can make it happen. I am an average middle aged family guy with kids.

 

Long story short - I don't envision getting divorced -losing my home, half my money, time with my kids and moving into a small apartment AND getting wild sex three times a week with a rotating list of hot 40-50 something women... while maintain my job, workouts, volunteer activities, and visit my kids who miss me.

 

No I see me sitting in that small apparent, at night alone, in the dark tying to use match.com on my PC -and hoping in a week or two I might get lucky on a Saturday night.

 

Which is why I stick (with some sadness) with 1-2 times a month my wife offers and enjoy my kids and home.

 

For those who are getting absolutely no sex - its perhaps a different decision.

 

I think you have misunderstood my post. my advice is for people who are not married. Nothing to do with divorced people.

 

There's been studies on this. Sexless marriages are very common, look at how many threads are on this forum about it. The biggest passion killer is unfortunately to get married.

 

Women are known to put it on a platter before marriage (everyday) because the relationship is fun and exciting, then after marriage things get boring and only want it a few times a year.

 

Read that 10 years later thread. That guy has gone without sex for a very long time. His sexual relationship didn't improve over 10 years.

Edited April 13, 2016 by Dolfin80

[RecentChange]

So your advice to is to not marry someone who you don't have great sex with. I'm pretty sure the OP did that (and OPs in several other threads) but the marriage turned into sexless. So how does this offer advice and support to the OP. (Moderators recently explained to me that to post on this forum you must directly relate your post to the OP).

 

Interesting... so what exactly was your advice to the OP? You seem to think that marriage = no sex. Your advice was to not get married. How does that help the OP?

 

The OP, unfortunately did not give us many details to work with. Was their sex life great before marriage? How long did they date? When did things slow down? Do they have kids etc?

 

I would need a bit more info to give the OP additional advice beyond your advice of "don't get married".

 

MY suggestions - first he needs to figure out WHY she isn't in the mood. Does she not find him attractive? Is she dog tired from work and kids? Does she not find HERSELF sexy and attractive? Is the sex good for HER?

 

Kinda need to know the cause to get to the cure. I am saying "marriage" isn't always the cause.

 

Things that revved my sex life back up? Focusing on my self, my health, and body - which led me to feeling more attractive and sexy. Making a statement about his apathy, and my NEEDS. Further sharing of fantasies and desires. Letting him know that I still found him very desirable. Making more time for each other, refocusing and shaking off the dust that had accumulated over the years. We both worked together to find again that crazy passion that had brought us together in the first place.

[central]

Different women, different results, even when behaving the same with both.

 

First wife had no interest in sex no matter what I did. After the first year - which wasn't great - the frequency dropped off dramatically to maybe a dozen times a year, and none at all in the last couple of years before I divorced her. She either wasn't into me - but I checked all her boxes for a husband - or she was just low drive. I think the latter, because as far as I can tell she has a nearly sexless relationship with her subsequent husband (they have separate bedrooms).

 

Second wife is high drive, and loves sex and loves me. We have had sex on average more than daily for 16 years. The person and the relationship make all the difference.

 

So, well under 1000x in first marriage of 24 years, and well over 8000x in second relationship/marriage of 16 years. Marriage can either be a great place for sex, or a desert. In the latter case, I'm sure single people can have as much or even far more sex.

[Who_took_my_name]

So, case in point tonight - I try messing around a bit, trying to encourage a bit of shall we say husband and wife fun time. Utterly shut down, hands pushed off, her head turned away, "I don't want to" was what she said. My response was "you never want to". Met with utter silence, a complete refusal on all levels as per usual. If the approach is wrong, she doesn't enjoy sex with me or just doesn't even fancy me then just f**king say it!

[RecentChange]

^^^ did you ask her why she didn't want to? Does she give any reasons? Have you voiced WHY it's important to you?

[dreamingoftigers]

I think you have misunderstood my post. my advice is for people who are not married. Nothing to do with divorced people.

 

There's been studies on this. Sexless marriages are very common, look at how many threads are on this forum about it. The biggest passion killer is unfortunately to get married.

 

Women are known to put it on a platter before marriage (everyday) because the relationship is fun and exciting, then after marriage things get boring and only want it a few times a year.

 

Read that 10 years later thread. That guy has gone without sex for a very long time. His sexual relationship didn't improve over 10 years.

 

Gender-reversal in my case. ARG.