Real Life and alike...

[Onlywhenitrains]

Hi everyone! I've been reading LS for quite some time, and yes - you guessed it right - I was the OW. I want to thank you all so much for all the help and support I got from reading your thoughts, and stories! I thought that starting my own thread, and sharing my story might be helpful both to me, and anybody else who is struggling to move on with life.

 

My story...the affair lasted 1 year. He's been married for 8 or so years, the last two according to him, have been roommate marriage type. There was no future faking. He was always very kind, caring and loving, and helped me through some really difficult times I had. Attraction/connection between us - very strong. And, it was always clear from the beginning he'll never leave his real life. We never got caught, which is probably the best part.

 

I ended it month or so ago. There has been NC for about three weeks. It's far, far away from easy. I'm not gonna lie. There are good days and bad days, and then there are some really, really ugly and almost unbearable ones. But, as we all know - this is the only way. It really is the only way. I know I have to stay strong, and not let bitterness into my heart.

 

One thing I realized since I ended the A - I'm not going to count NC days. I can't. It feels like counting remaining days of my life. I would rather live them.

[Babsinhealing]

Good for you! Proud of you for being strong. Just be prepared because he may come back... Especially in that he's in a sexless marriage and you never had a DD. I thought I was strong until I got that text 32 days in and I caved quicker than a boat taking on water. It's sooo easy to be strong when not tempted but it's like they know when you are gaining strength and bam... You get the text or call. I hope you truly blocked him (unlike me) and you can escape some of the pain I've have put myself in. Good luck!

[Onlywhenitrains]

Thanks, Babsinhealing! I've been following your thread, and I understand what you are going through. And, I completely understand why you did what you did. Trust me. I was trying to end the A in the past 3-4 months for several times. Never really worked, and he kept coming back....and, I got back in. Hated myself for being sucked right back into it, but loneliness and longing for his hugs was too much to deal with.

 

I'm still not sure what exactly is different this time around. I think I got tired of lonely nights and weekends when I wanted to talk to him and share my day or any other thoughts...and, all it was available was starring into the phone and texting. I could not live a lie any more.

 

It wasn't a good day today, and it's a bad night tonight. Trying to stay strong, but it's not easy when all I can think of is how much I miss his hug. On the other hand, if I didn't called it quits....tonight would probably be the same as it is right now. Just that I'd be waiting for his text, instead of typing this post.

 

I don't know.

[Josmatjes]

Thanks, Babsinhealing! I've been following your thread, and I understand what you are going through. And, I completely understand why you did what you did. Trust me. I was trying to end the A in the past 3-4 months for several times. Never really worked, and he kept coming back....and, I got back in. Hated myself for being sucked right back into it, but loneliness and longing for his hugs was too much to deal with.

 

I'm still not sure what exactly is different this time around. I think I got tired of lonely nights and weekends when I wanted to talk to him and share my day or any other thoughts...and, all it was available was starring into the phone and texting. I could not live a lie any more.

 

It wasn't a good day today, and it's a bad night tonight. Trying to stay strong, but it's not easy when all I can think of is how much I miss his hug. On the other hand, if I didn't called it quits....tonight would probably be the same as it is right now. Just that I'd be waiting for his text, instead of typing this post.

 

I don't know.

 

Yep, you'd be sitting home waiting for that text. That's why I ended my A. I ends it numerous times till it finally stuck and I still struggle. But I will say that it's exactly why you said. I got tired and sad that I couldn't tell him about my day. That's what we all want at the end of the day, isn't it? Someone to just talk to and hug, someone who is interested. Good for you for taking your life back!!

[minimariah]

One thing I realized since I ended the A - I'm not going to count NC days. I can't. It feels like counting remaining days of my life. I would rather live them.

 

i love this part.

 

bravo for making a hard decision and taking control over your own life, wishing you healing & recovery.

 

when you're having bad days - post here! lots of folks going through the same or similar stuff and can give you support.

[minimariah]

It wasn't a good day today, and it's a bad night tonight.

 

but tomorrow will be a good day + you'll have a good night.

 

it is totally understandable & okay to feel down, to struggle and to miss him & the connection you shared with him. allow yourself to feel all of that... it sucks, i know. but that's part of the journey.

 

write down the reasons you decided to break off the A and read them over and over again and remind yourself why you need to stay away when you're tempted to contact him or reply. try to "trick" your mind that way until you'll have far more good than bad days.

[Grapesofwrath]

Rains: You are doing the best possible thing for yourself by ending it. The A was a dead-end, and it sounds like you knew it. It comes through loud and clear that you were never comfortable being the OW, which reflects positively on your character. I understand completely how loneliness can drive us to accept these scraps and crumbs from a MM, because in the moment it seems like something is better than nothing. Only it really isn't.

 

Allow yourself to heal. Now you are free to live life on your terms and you will be available and ready when the right guy comes along who can give you what you deserve.

[Babsinhealing]

Thanks- I appreciate the empathy. It sounds like you've reached the end of your rope. I hope you remain strong and move forward so you don't need to spend future nights alone. Hopefully someday they will be filled with someone that wants you and only you 100%. Take care!

[Foreverago]

Bravo, OP. The great thing is, even though you are going through this pain, a big part of you knows your self worth. Which isn't being a mistress and someone not worthy of openness. It's not being stuck in a toxic stasis that a lot of people find themselves in, repeating the same mistakes over and over to the point they are broken. You are healing even when it hurts. Being melancholy and sad at times is less painful than not being able to look at yourself in the mirror with your head high.

 

I'm not judging people who need it but I absolutely agree with not counting the NC days and just living. It's still giving the affair partner way too much headspace which, to me, hinders moving on and living. I think it's very wise way to look at things.

 

I have a feeling that you are very resilient and will bounce back from this in such a healthy way and that you'll find an amazing partner worthy of you in the future. And this will all be just a momentary bad dream. All my best wishes for your healing.

[Gloria_Smellons]

One thing I realized since I ended the A - I'm not going to count NC days. I can't. It feels like counting remaining days of my life. I would rather live them.

 

Loving this. Welcome

[Onlywhenitrains]

I can't thank you all enough for your thoughts and words of encouragement. I've tried to focus on work in the past few days, as there was this business trip I had to go to. It wasn't easy to be completely focused, but your kind words kept reminding me to keep looking for that inner strength to keep moving forward. I came back here almost every night re-reading them over and over again. Thank you!

 

I take each day as it comes. Remind myself of all the blessings in my life. And, when the sadness comes, I'm not trying to fight it. I let it be, hoping it shall pass.

 

I came back home tonight, and as I was walking out of the plane to the baggage claim...tears just started, and I couldn't stop them. I remembered all those times when I was coming back home, and as I would turn on the phone, there would be a "Welcome home" text from him with the exact landing time as he was almost always tracking my flights. And, sometimes he would be waiting for me at the airport to take me home. There was none of that tonight, and it took a while for the tears to stop.

 

Since the A ended, very often I am able to convince myself that he just moved on with his life like none of this between us happened. It's a very painful thought, but there is something almost comforting and liberating about it at the same time. It doesn't matter to me really if it's true or not. As long as it helps me moving forward with my life.

[Grey Cloud]

I can't thank you all enough for your thoughts and words of encouragement. I've tried to focus on work in the past few days, as there was this business trip I had to go to. It wasn't easy to be completely focused, but your kind words kept reminding me to keep looking for that inner strength to keep moving forward. I came back here almost every night re-reading them over and over again. Thank you!

 

I take each day as it comes. Remind myself of all the blessings in my life. And, when the sadness comes, I'm not trying to fight it. I let it be, hoping it shall pass.

 

I came back home tonight, and as I was walking out of the plane to the baggage claim...tears just started, and I couldn't stop them. I remembered all those times when I was coming back home, and as I would turn on the phone, there would be a "Welcome home" text from him with the exact landing time as he was almost always tracking my flights. And, sometimes he would be waiting for me at the airport to take me home. There was none of that tonight, and it took a while for the tears to stop.

 

Since the A ended, very often I am able to convince myself that he just moved on with his life like none of this between us happened. It's a very painful thought, but there is something almost comforting and liberating about it at the same time. It doesn't matter to me really if it's true or not. As long as it helps me moving forward with my life.

 

Some MM are able to move on quite quickly (or so they are able to tell themselves). They put everything in the memory bank, pick up their life and get on with things. A lot of them don't analyze the affair the way some women do. I found it also helped me to move on. If he wasn't falling apart then why should I! He was very rational, logical and realistic. Dusted himself off and away he went. Why should I pine over someone who has assigned me as a distant memory?

 

Sorry the airport triggered you. I am sure there will be plenty more instances like that to come. I have reminders of xMM everywhere at work. But every day gets easier.

[yodelwithyu]

I came back home tonight, and as I was walking out of the plane to the baggage claim...tears just started, and I couldn't stop them.

 

Ugh, I am so sorry you went through that. I can relate. I had a MAJOR meltdown on the way to boarding, with around the same amount of NC under my belt, in September. I couldn't get on the flight. For what is it worth, new, unexpected triggers can really break you down, but the ones you you have experienced already, do get better with time as GC said. I finally did get on the flight the next day. I was apprehensive about the one after, but it wasn't too bad. And I have done about six rounds trips since then with no problem.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting and I hope tomorrow is better.

[loveisanaction]

I'm sorry that you are going through this OP.

 

At the start of an affair for both the man and woman sex is fun. But it doen't always stay that way. The woman usually ends up falling for her affair partner and begins to envision a future with him. The man on the othe hand is okay having his wife and an affair partner.This is where problems usually begin to arise in an affair.

 

When a married man (or a man in a relationship) enters into an affair with another woman, he doesn't do it with the intention of leaving his wife/girlfriend for her (there are exceptions where that does happen) but that is not the norm.

 

So when the affair is over, the man is able to move on easily. It's not that he never cared about his affair partner, he was just more understanding of what it was...an affair.

 

Most of us women get hurt because we go from being in an affair to wanting it to become an official relationship.

 

You are hurting now OP but you will heal.

 

A journey of thousand miles begins with a step.

Edited April 13, 2016 by loveisanaction

[Onlywhenitrains]

Very early in my affair I knew it was wrong, and that me and him will never be a couple walking down the street, holding hands and not being scared and terrified someone who knows him and his wife will see us. It was maybe two or three months into us being together, and I realized that. Still, I continued seeing him. As I said, there was never any future faking from him. I fought in my mind not to see our relationship for anything more that it was....anything more than what he silently said his terms were. It wasn't easy, but I didn't allow myself to daydream. No matter how much I liked him.

 

In the summer of last year I had some pretty tough times in my life, and it just happened that he was on vacation with his family....he tried to be there for me by texting me almost constantly....but, those moments I'll never forget...how much I needed him then, while I was going through what was happening in my life. He wasn't there. He was with his wife.

 

In the aftermath of my tough times, and when he came back from his vacation....I started to realize that...no matter what I say or do in our relationship, it will never be enough. It took a long time to accept that, especially because I've been someone who never gives up in my life....no matter how depressing the odds against me are.

 

In this case, I had to realize and accept that no matter what I said, or gave to our relationship....didn't matter. That was the point where I had to admit to myself that I love him. Needless to say, that didn't matter either. There is this quote from I don't know who, but it goes like this:

 

"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life will come to you. And stay."

 

He is not one of those.

[LondonGirl81]

Hi Onlywhenitrains,

 

I'm following your thread and finding it both painful and comforting to read. Painful because I can both see and understand how much pain and anguish you're going through, but comforting that we can all support each other through this horrid time. You have totally done the right thing, it sounds like it could have carried on for years, but you've nipped it in the bud now. You will not regret it, but you certainly would have so many deep regrets if you had let this carry on. Like you, I finished it with my MM a few days ago, in order that I could try to get my life back on a honest and authentic path. The loneliness and emptiness is horrendous, but let's both keep reminding ourselves that it will get better! I've written down all the moments of total torment I felt when I was in the relationship, to keep reminding myself of why I've done this. I really hope there are moments of peace and clarity in the coming days. Take care!

[Onlywhenitrains]

One of the most difficult things in this NC thing, aside from loneliness and longin, is not being able to talk about all this with anyone. LS is the only place to come to.

 

The ups and downs throughout the day, I can handle somehow. The evenings, when I come home tired after a long day are what I dread the most. That's when the sadness and emptiness come. I don't feel tempted to contact him, interestingly enough.

 

Just feel sad.

[Onlywhenitrains]

"Every day you give him all this energy and thought...you cant get the time back. This day...today...you will never see this day again. Life is NOW and the days are passing so quickly." - copyright by privategal

 

Thank you!

[privategal]

"Every day you give him all this energy and thought...you cant get the time back. This day...today...you will never see this day again. Life is NOW and the days are passing so quickly." - copyright by privategal

 

Thank you!

 

Awe tears! Anything I can say or do to help anyone.

Lately been dishing out a lot more tough love and blunt 'colder' harder advice in an effort to help. It can be seen as harsh, judgemental, etc etc but truly I hope you (and others) could tell Im a softee.

My own A turned me into a mental case, I had to go to counseling, lost hair, lost weight, gained weight, drank alot more, developed sleep issues, isolated myself from people, suffered in my job, was depressed, lost all of my self esteem, cried so much and so hard it left me looking LITERALLY ten years older.

It rocked my life so hard that Id just give ANYTHING to help another.

Even if I help one person get out Id feel better. Thank you for reposting and glad it helped you!!

[Onlywhenitrains]

PG - if you only knew how much your words helped! As I said - they are the words to live by in getting over the A or any other type of heartbreak or hardship.

 

Tough love is what we all need when caught in fog, confusion, denial, self-pity, irrational thinking that getting into the A ultimately results in. Sugarcoating won't do! You don't come across judgmental or harsh, just straightforward, calling it as it is.

 

After a couple of bad days following my airport mini-meltdown, I started feeling somewhat better. It feels like with each day passing by no matter how hard it is, I get a little bit stronger. I can see and recognize aspects of myself coming back to me as I used to be before the A. I'm humbled by that, and grateful. I know it's going to take quite some time to fully recover and reclaim everything lost, except the time. But, that's okay. I'll try to learn more about myself from this experience, even tough it's not always easy to see everything clearly.

 

There were points in time towards the end of the A, and immediately after the break up, when I felt anger and resentment. Almost hate. I had to remind myself every day to be kind, and I didn't really like the person I've become. I don't feel that any more. And, that's a really good thing.

 

I'll keep fighting, and won't give up.

[Grapesofwrath]

Rains: Keep going. One foot in front of the other. You are doing great! I found a List of the Torments to be most helpful for those moments when I was weakening.

 

This may sound a bit masochistic, but this was my technique for handling those feelings of longing and emptiness...when I caught myself thinking about a particular moment of tenderness, intimacy, or closeness with my xMM, I would picture him doing those same things with his wife. For example, I would sometimes think about how much I loved the way he kissed or held me, or remember the way he would caress my body or the way he made love. Something really personal like that. Then I would remind myself that he touches all women this way, including his wife. That he wakes up next to her and caresses her that same way. Initiates sex with her. Snuggles her on the couch. All the same. Maybe not as frequently as he once did (they've been married 23 years) but it still happens. Especially on vacation. The pain that thought causes me motivated me.

 

We had an agreement early on that he would never make love to me and to his wife on the same day. This was important to me, at the time. Now I realize that he probably either forgot or disregarded that agreement, so I throw that into the mix. Thinking of times he may have made love to me in the morning and her that night or whatever. It cheapens the whole thing so significantly that it helps me stay firm in putting it all in the past.

 

Again, this technique may not work for everyone, but it really did help me get away from thinking that I was ending a great love and more toward thinking I was ending a dead-end affair and that by doing so I can make room in my life for a great love that is meant for me and me alone.

[Cymbeline]

'When I caught myself thinking about a particular moment of tenderness, intimacy, or closeness with my xMM, I would picture him doing those same things with his wife. For example, I would sometimes think about how much I loved the way he kissed or held me, or remember the way he would caress my body or the way he made love. Something really personal like that. Then I would remind myself that he touches all women this way, including his wife. That he wakes up next to her and caresses her that same way. Initiates sex with her. Snuggles her on the couch. All the same'

 

It does seem painful but I hope it works for you. My question is that the activities with the spouse and family seems so utterly clear from the start, yet it is only later that the OW appears to become disturbed by this or by family holidays or photographs. How is it that this isn't a fairly visceral repellent from day one? Why doesn't the marriage relationship cause sufficient physical revulsion to prevent the affair getting underway? let's face it, sharing is an icky concept in all aspects, emotional and physical.

[ShatteredLady]

After a long marriage... How did he learn to be such a good lover? Who taught him the things women like to hear? How we like to be treated, held, touched? After all those years you're pretty much sleeping with his wife! What a disgusting thought!

 

I'm glad you found something that worked for you. I've never heard that before. Logically it sounds like a good strategy...better than snapping an elastic band on your wrist. Of course many OW believe that the MM has a cold, no sex, relationship with his W & stays out of duty....

[Onlywhenitrains]

I don't know how I'm gonna get through all this. Moments of strength are just a glimpse of light that never shines. I came so close to contacting him tonight. I cried and cried as I starred into the text I was about to send to him.

 

I didn't send it. Came here. Just to post...anything.

 

I don't know how to get through all this.

[ShatteredLady]

...but you WILL get through this! If not now then next time or the time after that & each time it's only going to get harder & each time you're loosing more & more of yourself.

 

Do it THIS time. You can do this, you know you can. What could you possibly have to say at this point that's going to suddenly make this better?

 

Hugs.