Real Life and alike...

[Onlywhenitrains]

Yep, you'd be sitting home waiting for that text. That's why I ended my A. I ends it numerous times till it finally stuck and I still struggle. But I will say that it's exactly why you said. I got tired and sad that I couldn't tell him about my day. That's what we all want at the end of the day, isn't it? Someone to just talk to and hug, someone who is interested. Good for you for taking your life back!!

 

 

Josmatjes - how long has it been since you ended the affair, if you don't mind me asking?

[Onlywhenitrains]

Ugh, I am so sorry you went through that. I can relate. I had a MAJOR meltdown on the way to boarding, with around the same amount of NC under my belt, in September. I couldn't get on the flight. For what is it worth, new, unexpected triggers can really break you down, but the ones you you have experienced already, do get better with time as GC said. I finally did get on the flight the next day. I was apprehensive about the one after, but it wasn't too bad. And I have done about six rounds trips since then with no problem.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting and I hope tomorrow is better.

 

Yodel, I've been following your thread for quite some time - and could not stop crying reading the letter you posted yesterday. I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish you all the best!

[Onlywhenitrains]

'When I caught myself thinking about a particular moment of tenderness, intimacy, or closeness with my xMM, I would picture him doing those same things with his wife. For example, I would sometimes think about how much I loved the way he kissed or held me, or remember the way he would caress my body or the way he made love. Something really personal like that. Then I would remind myself that he touches all women this way, including his wife. That he wakes up next to her and caresses her that same way. Initiates sex with her. Snuggles her on the couch. All the same'

 

It does seem painful but I hope it works for you. My question is that the activities with the spouse and family seems so utterly clear from the start, yet it is only later that the OW appears to become disturbed by this or by family holidays or photographs. How is it that this isn't a fairly visceral repellent from day one? Why doesn't the marriage relationship cause sufficient physical revulsion to prevent the affair getting underway? let's face it, sharing is an icky concept in all aspects, emotional and physical.

 

Cymbeline - those are all logical and obvious questions. I don't know why I didn't ask myself that. Not being emotionally invested in the beginning, denial later on come as possible reasons. None of them can even begin to cut it as an excuse or justification. I only realized that loneliness in my case did things that neither heart nor mind can understand.

[Onlywhenitrains]

After a long marriage... How did he learn to be such a good lover? Who taught him the things women like to hear? How we like to be treated, held, touched? After all those years you're pretty much sleeping with his wife! What a disgusting thought!

 

I'm glad you found something that worked for you. I've never heard that before. Logically it sounds like a good strategy...better than snapping an elastic band on your wrist. Of course many OW believe that the MM has a cold, no sex, relationship with his W & stays out of duty....

 

MM stays in his marriage because he wants to.

[stilltrying16]

It sounds as though you've been through so much, Onlywhenitrains. You mentioned things have been tough even aside from the A. My heart breaks for you. But I also admire you. You've stayed strong and amazing through it all. Your posts are inspiring.

 

Sending you strength and a big hug.

[Ophelia25]

Very early in my affair I knew it was wrong, and that me and him will never be a couple walking down the street, holding hands and not being scared and terrified someone who knows him and his wife will see us. It was maybe two or three months into us being together, and I realized that. Still, I continued seeing him. As I said, there was never any future faking from him. I fought in my mind not to see our relationship for anything more that it was....anything more than what he silently said his terms were. It wasn't easy, but I didn't allow myself to daydream. No matter how much I liked him.

 

In the summer of last year I had some pretty tough times in my life, and it just happened that he was on vacation with his family....he tried to be there for me by texting me almost constantly....but, those moments I'll never forget...how much I needed him then, while I was going through what was happening in my life. He wasn't there. He was with his wife.

 

In the aftermath of my tough times, and when he came back from his vacation....I started to realize that...no matter what I say or do in our relationship, it will never be enough. It took a long time to accept that, especially because I've been someone who never gives up in my life....no matter how depressing the odds against me are.

 

In this case, I had to realize and accept that no matter what I said, or gave to our relationship....didn't matter. That was the point where I had to admit to myself that I love him. Needless to say, that didn't matter either. There is this quote from I don't know who, but it goes like this:

 

"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life will come to you. And stay."

 

He is not one of those.

 

I felt like I could have written this. In fact, I had to reread parts of it to make sure that I hadn't written it and just forgotten!

 

The realization that he can never be there for me, even if he wanted to, and I'm not sure he does, is the most pressing reason for me giving him up entirely. I've never considered myself an excessively needy person. But his refusal and/or inability to even attempt to address my concerns is, well, just getting really old. If I ask for more attention or emotion or help or anything that isn't just me responding to his immediate needs and desires at times exclusively convenient to him, he reminds me how difficult I am and how I'm being needy when what I want is impossible.

 

And part of me wants to argue with him so hard. Of course it's possible, we did it for years before you grew this bizarre and sporadic conscience. But...it's really not possible, is it? What I give won't ever be enough because it's not possible to give everything I would if we belonged only to each other. And loving him simply doesn't make a bit of difference. And I'm getting to where I just don't want to chase him anymore,which is perhaps progress. But he still "chases" me, in his own warped and ridiculous way, when he's alone or traveling and horny. And I still let him, which means I have a long way to go. But thinking about who is actually there when I need someone, even though I don't appreciate it and long for the OM, helps a little.

[ShatteredLady]

Originally Posted by Onlywhenitrains

 

Very early in my LOVE AFFAIR I knew it was RIGHT, and that me and him would ALWAYS be a couple walking down the street, holding hands and being PROUD that people would see us. It was maybe two or three months into us being together, THAT I realized that WE WOULD ALWAYS BE TOGETHER. We spent every moment that we could together. He was ALWAYS completely sincere in wanting to share his life with me. I knew in my mind & heart that our relationship was special....It was so easy. When he proposed the choice was so easy. We shared our lives.

 

In the summer of last year I had THE WORST TIME in my life, and it just happened that we were on vacation as a family....he sat on the porch & missed-out on so much family fun with his little children & me by texting her almost constantly....but, those moments I'll never forget...how much I needed him then, while I was going through what was happening in my life. He wasn't there. He was demeaning me, treating me with contempt, rewriting marital history to satiate his guilt all because I didn't make him feel "special" enough while I was going through (what I thought was) the worst time of my life.

 

At the height of my tough times, and when WE came back from our vacation....I started to realize that...no matter what I say or do in our relationship, it will never be enough. It took a long time to accept that, especially because I've been someone who never gives up in my life....no matter how depressing the odds against me, my children, our family are.

 

In this case, I had to realize and accept that no matter what I said, or gave to our relationship....didn't matter. That was the point where I had to admit to myself that I love him. Needless to say, that didn't matter either. There is this quote from I don't know who, but it goes like this:

 

"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life will come to you. And stay."

 

........Until you really hit rock bottom & need them but they're feeling sorry for themselves & can't step-up so they choose to escape into a fantasy that they have no real intention of following through on & torture 2 women to make themselves feel like 'Da Man' but they don't. They feel small & pathetic & guilty.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm sorry. I was having a horrible night last night.

[Onlywhenitrains]

SL - no worries. No apologies needed. We all have good and bad, and ugly days and nights. It's okay.

 

Be strong!

[Bufo]

He still chases me.....

 

Of course he does. As I have posted elsewhere, it is easier for him to keep this A going with you than it is to pursue and groom a new AP. Why work hard to do that when you already have a satisfactory A going?

 

My other saying is that the one in a relationship who cares the least has the most power. I suspect he cares the least here.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you 'Only When it Rains'. Love your name by the way!

[2016forme]

Hi everyone! I've been reading LS for quite some time, and yes - you guessed it right - I was the OW. I want to thank you all so much for all the help and support I got from reading your thoughts, and stories! I thought that starting my own thread, and sharing my story might be helpful both to me, and anybody else who is struggling to move on with life.

 

My story...the affair lasted 1 year. He's been married for 8 or so years, the last two according to him, have been roommate marriage type. There was no future faking. He was always very kind, caring and loving, and helped me through some really difficult times I had. Attraction/connection between us - very strong. And, it was always clear from the beginning he'll never leave his real life. We never got caught, which is probably the best part.

 

I ended it month or so ago. There has been NC for about three weeks. It's far, far away from easy. I'm not gonna lie. There are good days and bad days, and then there are some really, really ugly and almost unbearable ones. But, as we all know - this is the only way. It really is the only way. I know I have to stay strong, and not let bitterness into my heart.

 

One thing I realized since I ended the A - I'm not going to count NC days. I can't. It feels like counting remaining days of my life. I would rather live them.

 

Greetings,

 

Congratulations on ending your relationship with your MM. I am sorry that you are still in pain. Yes, there are going to be good days and then there are going to be bad days. The good days will outweigh the bad days.

 

The next step is to learn to forgive yourself. Surround yourself with love, happiness and support. I am glad that you are not in denial like some of the other stories I have read online about how the woman is the OW. What makes that unusual is that the OW is in denial and she feels that there is hope that she and her MM are going to be together one day.The funny part is when a person reads these stories, one cannot tell the OW she is wasting her time. They seem to think that everyone else is wrong and they are right.

 

As for yourself, don't forget to treat yourself with love and respect. Pamper yourself every once in a while. You deserve the best. Please keep us updated. Cheers.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I ran into him at Walmart parking lot five days ago. He wanted to talk, and I didn't. Told him to leave me alone. Three hours later he knocked at my apartment door. I let him in, as I didn't want things to escalate into something ugly by me calling the police.

 

We talked for a couple of hours. No arguing, but just talking. Yes, and there was some kissing and hugging. I stayed firm on not continuing with the A roller coaster. He left.

 

I've been a mess since. This is so horribly hard, and I don't know how to endure this emptiness and sadness that I feel right now.

 

I need help.

[whichwayisup]

I ran into him at Walmart parking lot five days ago. He wanted to talk, and I didn't. Told him to leave me alone. Three hours later he knocked at my apartment door. I let him in, as I didn't want things to escalate into something ugly by me calling the police.

 

We talked for a couple of hours. No arguing, but just talking. Yes, and there was some kissing and hugging. I stayed firm on not continuing with the A roller coaster. He left.

 

I've been a mess since. This is so horribly hard, and I don't know how to endure this emptiness and sadness that I feel right now.

 

I need help.

 

I wish you hadn't let him. He now knows he can show up at your doorstep, and you'll let him in. I say this with kindness and respect but what you feel right now that sadness and emptiness is the result of what just happened. He disrespects YOU, ignores your request for him to leave you alone. It's all about him, notice that? You don't want to talk yet he knows that and still does as he pleases. Selfish and cruel. He is married and that's not changing. You chose to walk away and he HAS to leave you alone though you have to not let him manipulate you (he knows what buttons to push with you obviously) and stay strong.

 

Keep posting and if you can't do this on your own get counseling so it'll help you be strong and not let him guilt you or make you feel like you owe him something. You owe him nothing.

[stilltrying16]

I'm so sorry, onlywhenitrains. This must make things even harder. How can he not see that. You worked so hard at this and went through a lot of pain to stay strong. And now he shows up, ignores everything you say, and does whatever the heck he wants. It's so unfair.

 

You said it was 5 days ago. You feel you need help. Do you have some thoughts on how to proceed?

 

Sending you strength and lots of hugs. (((((((((onlywhenitrains))))))))

[Onlywhenitrains]

I find it incredibly difficult to move on right now. I feel I gained some strength during this time there was NC. It also doesn't feel enough to move on from this.

 

I've seen he missed me a lot, but that shouldn't matter as he did nothing about it - of course. I asked him if he loves his wife...he said he's confused and maybe he does because he still lives with her.

 

During this time of NC I've had some moments of getting myself back again. Like I used to be. Independent and happy alone, not wanting to settle for half-ass things, which has always been my thing. At the same time, I realized that loneliness is much more easy to deal with if it doesn't have a name, a touch and a face. Right now loneliness has all of him written all over it. And, that's what makes it hard.

 

When I first met him, I told myself I could never fall for this guy, but....there was something about him that felt like I've found that piece that was missing. It was and has been very conflicting.

 

I don't know.

 

I do know, however that I have to put this past week behind me....and, move on. And, even the slightest thought of it puts tears into my eyes. But, I know I have to.

[Chuff]

Oh, honey, you did the best you could under the circumstances. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain.

 

Tomorrow is a new day. (((((Hugs!)))))

[2016forme]

I find it incredibly difficult to move on right now. I feel I gained some strength during this time there was NC. It also doesn't feel enough to move on from this.

 

I've seen he missed me a lot, but that shouldn't matter as he did nothing about it - of course. I asked him if he loves his wife...he said he's confused and maybe he does because he still lives with her.

 

During this time of NC I've had some moments of getting myself back again. Like I used to be. Independent and happy alone, not wanting to settle for half-ass things, which has always been my thing. At the same time, I realized that loneliness is much more easy to deal with if it doesn't have a name, a touch and a face. Right now loneliness has all of him written all over it. And, that's what makes it hard.

 

When I first met him, I told myself I could never fall for this guy, but....there was something about him that felt like I've found that piece that was missing. It was and has been very conflicting.

 

I don't know.

 

I do know, however that I have to put this past week behind me....and, move on. And, even the slightest thought of it puts tears into my eyes. But, I know I have to.

 

Sometimes when we are going through major transitions in our lives, there are going to be times when the agony, despair and sadness will try to overwhelm and outweigh you. See if you can set small goals for yourself. Because right now, your ex MM doesn't deserve an "open door policy" from you.

 

Don't allow this MM to keep sucker playing you time and time again. Each time you put up your defense, that is when he'll try to maneuver his way back into you life.

 

Just think, you deserve better. You don't deserve heartache, pain and agony. You need not suffer in silence.

 

Change doesn't happen overnight. But in the long run you'll be happy you are out with the old and in with the new.

 

Sending you encouragement and hugs!

[Onlywhenitrains]

Yes, I was a mess most of the last week. Devastated, pretty much. I don't know how is it possible that of 5+ mill people in the city where I live, I run into him at the store parking lot? But, it's what it is. No other way than to deal with it.

 

After the initial sadness and tears in the aftermath of seeing him, those very feelings of loneliness and longing came in full force. I cried a lot. I missed him a lot.

 

However, I filled this past weekend with a lot of outdoor activities with friends. Walking, hiking, road trip, working out. Gave me a lot of time to think. Somewhere in between all those activities, I realized that month or so of NC somehow changed me in some ways. All the thinking reminded me that I'm smart, I have beautiful family and friends, I'm successful in my career, I'm loving and caring, and yes - I'm sexy as well . And, I have to love myself. During the affair, I started lo love myself and who I become less and less each day,

 

I realized I'm TIRED of hiding, cheating, hypocrisy, sneaking around, lying, not existing. Just plain TIRED.

 

Being NC with the AP changes you. The longer you stay NC, more it changes you. You can not go back to who you were in the A. And, you shouldn't. You might not notice the change in you; because, the days are long, filled with sadness, longing for him, missing him, crying, and false hope that he will come back and BE with you. But, NC changes you. It brings you closer to who you were before the A happened.

 

What I also realized is - I don't want to stop my healing path. It's nowhere close to being an easy wave to ride. I'll be sad when sadness comes, I'll miss him, and I'll cry when I have to. I do know that every moment of that will bring me a step closer to who I was before all this happened, and who I am. I won't give up.

[Dancewithme]

Good for you! Stay strong, and keep moving forward. What good words of inspiration for other OW/OM who are beginning to walk that NC path.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Today was a bad day.

 

I woke up and didn't want to get out of the bed. Didn't want to face yet another day without him. Then I cried, and cried. And, finally got out of the bed. I felt numb most of the day. It just hurts so much. This big wave of memories of all the things I loved and enjoyed while spending time together with him. Those little things, sayings, acronyms, emojis....that only him and me knew the meaning of.

 

Then the picture of him and his wife together came. And, how he just moved on with his life, with her. Like I never existed. As I didn't really.

 

The pain is excruciating right now.

 

But, I have to move on. Alone.

[BuddyX]

Why are you checking his accounts? NC means NC.

Remember, you allowed him in your house. Made out with him. And now he's with his wife again. He's showcasing his true character. Do not loose any sleep over this looser.

[Dylon]

Hi there. Hope your day is more sunny and the rain can stop a bit for a break. I wanted to write after being quietly reading for some time on LS recently: one, to offer support, two, your story is getting to me and not only am I'm sad for your situation, getting an urge to tear up, I'm thinking too much and getting quite angry over all the love and hurt that we human experiences. What is it anyway? I took AD and it stopped the tears, I feel less of everything. It's nothing but just a bunch of neurochemicals going haywire in our mind. Anger, hurt, anxiety, all can be controlled, either chemically or naturally through external stimuli. Let's think for a moment how you feel right now, just an imbalance of neurochemicals in our mind isn't it? And pathways can be modified through drugs, therapy, activities, or some other sort of natural stimuli. The more I think about how we are "programmed", the more I get upset. Falling for someone is no different, right? We can slowly build up those feel good love chemicals only to be in a state of euphoria and now you are denied of it and must slowly reach back to those stable levels.

 

I'm sorry your are hurting so much. It goes both ways how you and the mm feel. You said he messed you up by contacting you. I've heard from many OW here how upset they were that they were ignored or were not contacted by the mm. Others are upset that the mm contacted them. On the other end, depending on the mm, it's the same. He probably saw you at the parking lot, and just lost control and couldn't help but to see you. I don't think he had a selfish intent or a plan to mess up your NC plan, similar to many OW, on the other end of the spectrum, wondered why the mm hasn't contacted them.

 

After 3 months of NC, my xOW wrote me a happy birthday email. Did she think about how it affected me? I don't think so and I'm not upset at her. In fact, I'm so filled with guilt in my part in the EA that I'm not sure she can do something that can make me get upset at her. In such matter, both in an A are in the wrong, and as mm, I don't mind taking the 95% of that wrong. However, give that 5% lead way for the man that feel for you. He's human too and pretty messed up. I don't think he came to see you to be cruel. He didn't fall in love with a rock. He fell for you, a person with passion, kindness, character, love, or whatever else he sees in you. He's drawn to you, married or not, selfish or not. Giving it a reason and purpose is like asking why we love. Who the hell can answer that???? As my xOW mother told her, why did you take part in the affair that mess up the balance of his life? I too, why did I allow these "addictive chemicals" to take over what was a nice and balance state I was in?

 

What I'm trying to get at is that the greatness of what you felt, the love, is you, not him. It was something that was created by what he gave and what you gave is what he's addicted to as well. You own this hurt, this love, this passion. You can have it all back with someone else or you can go back to how you were before all this. There is no easy way to move on from both sides. If you've read enough of LS as I have for 7 months, you know that to make the other 1/2 a monster or your soulmate is up to you but whatever you make him to be is reflected upon yourself, because it is you that is the great person, having great qualities, that he desired. When it's over, there's no court of law to say who's right or wrong because an affair is wrong and both sides are guilty. Judgement set free and let each go its separate ways. Judge him or let him judge you as one wish to heal, but it doesn't matter. Anger, hatred, love, and such extreme emotions are only temporary from the affair. If I don't make any sense, I'm glad.....because I'm tired of all this love bs, aren't you?

 

I wish you well and please take care. Time will heal and I don't have any advices on NC or other ways to heal because you know that we are just buying time and if writing this long message and you reading it, get us pass another day and we smile and heal, great! Keep writing and keep reading, right? I'm lucky to have an interest that I love all my life, before I even had a relationship and it's my place of refuge and it's where I'm happy, free, and love existing. I hope you can find yours too! Be well!

Edited April 27, 2016 by Dylon

[Onlywhenitrains]

Hi there. Hope your day is more sunny and the rain can stop a bit for a break. I wanted to write after being quietly reading for some time on LS recently: one, to offer support, two, your story is getting to me and not only am I'm sad for your situation, getting an urge to tear up, I'm thinking too much and getting quite angry over all the love and hurt that we human experiences. What is it anyway? I took AD and it stopped the tears, I feel less of everything. It's nothing but just a bunch of neurochemicals going haywire in our mind. Anger, hurt, anxiety, all can be controlled, either chemically or naturally through external stimuli. Let's think for a moment how you feel right now, just an imbalance of neurochemicals in our mind isn't it? And pathways can be modified through drugs, therapy, activities, or some other sort of natural stimuli. The more I think about how we are "programmed", the more I get upset. Falling for someone is no different, right? We can slowly build up those feel good love chemicals only to be in a state of euphoria and now you are denied of it and must slowly reach back to those stable levels.

 

I'm sorry your are hurting so much. It goes both ways how you and the mm feel. You said he messed you up by contacting you. I've heard from many OW here how upset they were that they were ignored or were not contacted by the mm. Others are upset that the mm contacted them. On the other end, depending on the mm, it's the same. He probably saw you at the parking lot, and just lost control and couldn't help but to see you. I don't think he had a selfish intent or a plan to mess up your NC plan, similar to many OW, on the other end of the spectrum, wondered why the mm hasn't contacted them.

 

After 3 months of NC, my xOW wrote me a happy birthday email. Did she think about how it affected me? I don't think so and I'm not upset at her. In fact, I'm so filled with guilt in my part in the EA that I'm not sure she can do something that can make me get upset at her. In such matter, both in an A are in the wrong, and as mm, I don't mind taking the 95% of that wrong. However, give that 5% lead way for the man that feel for you. He's human too and pretty messed up. I don't think he came to see you to be cruel. He didn't fall in love with a rock. He fell for you, a person with passion, kindness, character, love, or whatever else he sees in you. He's drawn to you, married or not, selfish or not. Giving it a reason and purpose is like asking why we love. Who the hell can answer that???? As my xOW mother told her, why did you take part in the affair that mess up the balance of his life? I too, why did I allow these "addictive chemicals" to take over what was a nice and balance state I was in?

 

What I'm trying to get at is that the greatness of what you felt, the love, is you, not him. It was something that was created by what he gave and what you gave is what he's addicted to as well. You own this hurt, this love, this passion. You can have it all back with someone else or you can go back to how you were before all this. There is no easy way to move on from both sides. If you've read enough of LS as I have for 7 months, you know that to make the other 1/2 a monster or your soulmate is up to you but whatever you make him to be is reflected upon yourself, because it is you that is the great person, having great qualities, that he desired. When it's over, there's no court of law to say who's right or wrong because an affair is wrong and both sides are guilty. Judgement set free and let each go its separate ways. Judge him or let him judge you as one wish to heal, but it doesn't matter. Anger, hatred, love, and such extreme emotions are only temporary from the affair. If I don't make any sense, I'm glad.....because I'm tired of all this love bs, aren't you?

 

I wish you well and please take care. Time will heal and I don't have any advices on NC or other ways to heal because you know that we are just buying time and if writing this long message and you reading it, get us pass another day and we smile and heal, great! Keep writing and keep reading, right? I'm lucky to have an interest that I love all my life, before I even had a relationship and it's my place of refuge and it's where I'm happy, free, and love existing. I hope you can find yours too! Be well!

 

Dylon - thank you so much for your post! It made me cry, but it also made me smile!

 

I'm fully aware that the NC path is not linear, and there will be ups and downs, lots of pain and crying, and smiles here and there. And, at some point I hope - smiles and laughter will prevail. Healing takes time and patience, I know.

 

I don't think his intent was to be cruel or anything like that. It was just a coincidence of running into each other, and loosing control or not wanting to let go of something we want. Seeing him after a month or so of NC brought back all the emotions, and as you said it so eloquently - chemicals in my brain got extremely unbalanced, while I was trying to balance them by the NC. And, I have to deal with it. Not easy, but there is no other way.

 

I don't blame him 100% for the affair. He never future faked, or spoke bad things about his wife, can't even tell that he ever lied to me (at least I never caught him), and he helped me through some really difficult times in my life over the past year. He tried to be there for me whenever he could. I never was for assigning blame in "love" kind of situations. Nor I judge him. I mean if I'm going to do that, then me and him would split the blame for the A 50-50. I take responsibility for what I did, and it was wrong. I did the crime so to speak, now I have to do the time.

 

It's human to want to feel loved, be intimate with someone, and want to give love to those important in our life. It's a basic human need for most, if not all of us. I don't really believe into soulmate concept, so can never claim he was that one. He was just someone I met, felt immediate connection (not just attraction, although that too) when we met, and the rest just followed. And, over time emotions developed inevitably, on both sides. As in every affair, the time comes when you find yourself in a dark alley, alone, and there is a dead end in front of you. You can stay there as long as you want - but, it will never be anything more than a dark alley with the dead end. Or, you can make a U turn, and find your way to some better place.

 

Many thanks for your kind words! They really helped a lot. I'm glad you have your interests that keep you happy! And, please - keep posting! I love reading your posts, and am sure there is a lot of others on LS who love them too.

 

Thank you!

[Onlywhenitrains]

I was kinda okay for the past two or so days. After all the drama of running into him at the Walmart parking lot of all of the places, while trying and being determined to go NC.

 

Then, this evening all the memories kept coming back. I've read it on some other thread that it's easier for MM to go on with their lives as they have wife to keep happy, kids, and all responsibilities that go with that. The OW is usually alone. Especially, if the OW is single, no kids like me. That's so very true. It hurts.

 

I miss him so much. But, not as before. I don't feel that desire and urge to contact him. Still, miss him. A lot. Then, I remember Friday's when we were together....he knew Friday nights were my kinda bad day for me, so he would arrange to come and see me on that day. Felt good....while he was here. It was worse when he left.

 

I don't know why I did all I did with him. Even my heart can't understand now the loneliness in my heart that I felt to drive me into all the A things.

 

I tend to think about his wife. I never thought this was a competition me vs. her, and nothing in this world should ignore or negate the past 10+ years they've been together. I just feel so guilty. I knew from the beginning what the rules of the game were. She's never had a clue. And, she deserves to know what she's up against. Not that I'd ever think about contacting her or telling her. I just feel so guilty.

 

And, I'm lonely now. Really lonely.

 

You do the crime, you do the time.