Real Life and alike...

[wmacbride]

Please, someone tells me that it gets easier with time.

 

NC is the right and only way. I know, and I'm sticking to it. After so many failed attempts, I'm sticking to it as it is the only way. I realized it only works if some day running into your xMM and feeling nothing is your goal.

 

I don't want stolen moments, times in-between, breadcrumbs and leftovers.

 

I am so much more than that. It goes without saying.

 

I have to do this for myself. It's hard.

 

 

You are definitely worth so much more than what the A gave you. it sounds like, before the A, you were a strong person with plenty of interests, a positive outlook, and you knew yourself and who you were. You had a love for life.

 

All that, plus a whole lot more, is still there. It didn't go away, it's just hidden underneath all of this other painful stuff.

 

The A doesn't define who you are. You do. Take each day as it comes and find the positives that happened in it. Right now, just get yourself through each day without looking too far down the road. As you do, you'll find that one day will build on the next.

 

Is it possible for you to plan a vacation or even a weekend away to give yourself something to look forward to? Not just a package holiday but something you need to put a lot of planning in to...something really exciting that you have always wanted to do or in a place you always wnated to go? This may sound like an odd idea, but it would give you something to both look forward to and that would take your mind off of your former mm, even if only for a little while. It would also give you a mental break and allow you to recharge, and once you have arrived, it will help you build new memories of positives times in your post affair life and show yourself that can be happy and have your lust for life back.

Edited May 24, 2016 by wmacbride

[Onlywhenitrains]

So, I've had some bad days late last week and over the past weekend. I worked hard to go to the gym everyday, focus on work and planned activities like hiking and skating. I've managed to pull away from the total darkness of last week just a little tiny bit.

 

The other night I went swimming and spent some time thinking about the time that has passed since I ended th A in mid-March. I was a mess back then, but after a few weeks I started slowly picking myself up, and dusting myself off. Then, there was a major setback when I ran into him at the Walmart parking lot, and him coming by my place few hours later. I was back being my miserable self again. It's been more than a month since that. I don't know how I feel, really. Still think of him awfully lot. Miss him most of the time.

 

I'm in no way ready to date yet. But, I did reactivare my old profile on one of the dating sites I was before. I just felt like lurking, and am somewhat curious. It's been three days since I did it. I got quite a bit of "winks", "likes", and some messages that I don't feel like pursuing. Three of those messages stood out, for the reasons you can all understand.

 

The first - a guy is in the long term, committed relationship, but is just looking if there is a better deal out there.

 

The second - this guy has been married for 20+years, his wife (according to him) has been diagnosed with serious, life-threating illness a couple a years ago, and he came to the online dating site to find ways to cope with it.

 

The third stand-out message - from a married guy who has sex with his wife sporadically, but he signed-up to complement that with more sex. And, type of sex he's looking for is more frequent that he currently has. Also, it is highly desired that he finds somebody who is on the sexually explorative/creative/kinky side.

 

All those three openly stated their preferences in their profile, and their messages to me. So, I'm not judgmental and have no right to even attempt to give lecture on morals to anyone in this world. I was the OW, remember. But,....holly Molly....I have to say that online dating has changed quite a bit.

 

Just in case anyone wonders, I ignored all three of those messages.

 

No one will love me, if I don't love myself. I have my own recovry and healing to take care of. Discipline, strength, and patience.

Edited May 26, 2016 by Onlywhenitrains

[Onlywhenitrains]

...but, inevitably the bad ones come along. The ups and downs. I've had my share of ups in the past few days or so. Tonight...well, tonight it's time for downs.

 

I have to live through them, I know. I've rationalized anything and everything about my current situation. I know....maintain the NC no matter what.

 

Tonight, I drove around and thought about the A. It never gives you what you want, need, and deserve. It just clouds your thinking and judgment about what you really need.

 

I go back and forth between thinking of him suffering just a tiny bit as I do, and not caring about it at all, or just moving on with his life like nothing happened.I just provided sex and intimacy and all that stuff that he is missing in his marriage. Perfect deal for him.

 

I guess I'm angry tonight is what I'm trying to say. Just plain angry. And, posting here is the only thing that keeps me from texting him, and expressing that anger and resentment.

 

Thank you for reading.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Onlywhenitrains

[Onlywhenitrains]

I am really angry now.

[stilltrying16]

(((((((((((Onlywhenitrains)))))))))). I am so sorry. You've kept on course & worked through the pain when it must be so hard. I totally get why you're angry. Seeing the strength you've shown, I know you will be ok sooner rather than later. Hugs!

[Sabella]

I am really angry now.

(((((Hugs)))))

I have no amazing words of wisdom. But know that you are not alone.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Last Memorial long Day weekend he came by my place Friday before it, and we had sex. Then he took off to the beach with his family. Texted me all the time including pictures of sunset where he was....and, alike.

 

I was all alone that whole weekend. Doing whatever thing I declared and chose to believe at the time is only mine. It wasn't. It was my own escape from reality. I still remember missing him so much.

 

This time around... I don't know where he is. Probably away somewhere at the beach like last year. It doesn't matter. If we were still in the A, I'd be spending the long weekend alone by myself. Pathetic that all those thoughts are still on my mind. He doesn't deserve to be in my thoughts.

 

If we were still together in the A right now....there would be nothing different tonight. I'd be as lonely as I'm right now. That's something to remember for all OW out there. He will never be there for you when you need him! You are alone, even though you think, or he convinced you that you are NOT alone.

 

I can't repeat that enough - to all OW - he will never be there for you when you need him.

 

Don't forget that.

[privategal]

Just wanted to cheer you on and remind you to keep going.

You are cycling through the stages of greif/healing and those stages draw out lots of different emotions that you need to feel in order to put them away for good. Keep going you are doing awesome.

[OpenBook]

Please, someone tells me that it gets easier with time.

 

It gets easier with time.

 

Time is your best friend right now. Time, and distance. You're doing the right thing, and you're moving in the right direction. Just keep moving. You will get through this. The sunshine's coming. Just a little ways more down the road. Hugs and strength to you from an anonymous online poster who's been there too.

[Jersey born raised]

It is easier for the person leaving the relationship than the one staying. The person leaving is doing so with a purpose. On an emotional level this purpose gives them something to focus on and work towards. The person left, the person who is gone was ther purpose and goal.

 

Take the time to first read the infidelity threads. Why is the BS stuck in limbo? They no longer had a goal and they are left aimless.

 

Read the OW threads. Again, their purpose and goal was the AP. When the adultery ends, they are left in limbo and aimless.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I'm trying to keep it going. NC and all of that.

 

I don't think I can.

 

I want to be strong. I so want to. I have a text typed that I want to send him, and the only thing keeping me from pressing send is commitment to myself not to do it ever again. And, to all of you helping me along the way.

 

I don't want to come here tomorrow, and say I broke that. I might very well find myself in that place. I'm sorry.

[lemondrop21]

I'm trying to keep it going. NC and all of that.

 

I don't think I can.

 

I want to be strong. I so want to. I have a text typed that I want to send him, and the only thing keeping me from pressing send is commitment to myself not to do it ever again. And, to all of you helping me along the way.

 

I don't want to come here tomorrow, and say I broke that. I might very well find myself in that place. I'm sorry.

It might help to tell yourself that you'll revisit the issue tomorrow, but in the meantime to give some thought to your future plans, dreams for yourself, etc. Life does not hinge on sending one text message. If it's meant to be, he'll find his way back to you regardless of this text. If it's toxic and useless, it will stay that way, regardless of this one text.

 

NC is a means to an end, an end in which you heal and move on with your life.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Over the past few days, I've found myself going between being angry and being sick and tired of this self-pity party that I've been throwing for myself almost daily. Definitely, not a good place to be. It has to stop.

 

I don't know if these are expected stages of grief and healing. Maybe, maybe not. I just find it frustrating that it's taking so long to stop thinking about and forget someone, and I still can not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I so want my old self back. I know I'll never be completely the same as before the A. But, I want balance and peace. Not there yet.

[Ophelia25]

Last Memorial long Day weekend he came by my place Friday before it, and we had sex. Then he took off to the beach with his family. Texted me all the time including pictures of sunset where he was....and, alike.

 

I was all alone that whole weekend. Doing whatever thing I declared and chose to believe at the time is only mine. It wasn't. It was my own escape from reality. I still remember missing him so much.

 

This time around... I don't know where he is. Probably away somewhere at the beach like last year. It doesn't matter. If we were still in the A, I'd be spending the long weekend alone by myself. Pathetic that all those thoughts are still on my mind. He doesn't deserve to be in my thoughts.

 

If we were still together in the A right now....there would be nothing different tonight. I'd be as lonely as I'm right now. That's something to remember for all OW out there. He will never be there for you when you need him! You are alone, even though you think, or he convinced you that you are NOT alone.

 

I can't repeat that enough - to all OW - he will never be there for you when you need him.

 

Don't forget that.

 

This helped me some today. I've had a very long weekend "alone" - while I have a husband, I feel like he's not really there, probably mostly through my own doing because I live in my affair fog most of the time. He was traveling with his wife and didn't bother to even find a moment to say hi or ask how I was. It hurts a lot, but I know it's how things are always going to be, and I need to stop being hurt by it and move along. Still trying, because as soon as she's back to work, I know he'll come back as if nothing is wrong, flirting and texting, and I forget all about how terrible I feel right now. And then the next weekend, it all comes back again. This is not a good way to live. I don't know how to get out, but I do know I need to. You are so right - he doesn't deserve to be in my thoughts. I just don't know how to get him out.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I'm trying, and I'm not giving up. I don't want to give up. But, it's hard.

 

The thing that is helping me a lot is this thought of who I was before the A, and getting that back. I was confident. I was content with with myself and who I was. I was lonely. Yes, I was lonely but, I didn't want to settle for anything less than what I deserve. Still, I was lonely.

 

I think it's that loneliness that made me get into this whole thing with my xMM. I didn't seem to care in the beginning. But, eventually I did.

 

I've never been someone who settles for things. For me, it has to be important, it has to be true, and it has to be real. Somehow, I still neglected those things and got myself into the A with my xMM. Why did I do that????

 

It hurts. It really does! If I could just cut this pain out of my heart.....

[Poppy47]

Loneliness has a lot to do with why we get into affairs. Do you not think the AP plays on that?

 

I am lonely right now too. If I sent MM a text, he would be on the phone as soon as possible. I won't because that's just the thing..... I can't even phone him when I want.

 

When I get lonely, I ask myself if I want to go back and play the waiting game... waiting to hear from him, waiting for him to get the time to see me, the lies, secrecy.

No I do not. I would rather be alone and have my peace of mind.

 

Keep going and don't give in.

 

Poppy

[Onlywhenitrains]

It is my darkest hour, and I'm struggling.

 

Just lonely here. What if I text him? We all know how that will play out.

 

I don't know. It's this feeling of not knowing how he is doing that hurts soooo much.

 

Frankly, I'd like to know that he has all things worked out with his wife, or whatever. Because, I want him to be happy. I really do. I have no ill feelings for him. Unless the anger kicks in. But, even then....I find it hard to think ill of him.

 

I don't hold grudges.

 

Is it reasonable to want those you love to be happy? That's what I want for him.

 

I'm confident I'll find my own happiness within myself again.

 

Letting it go, I guess...what this is.

[lemondrop21]

It is my darkest hour, and I'm struggling.

 

Just lonely here. What if I text him? We all know how that will play out.

 

I don't know. It's this feeling of not knowing how he is doing that hurts soooo much.

 

Frankly, I'd like to know that he has all things worked out with his wife, or whatever. Because, I want him to be happy. I really do. I have no ill feelings for him. Unless the anger kicks in. But, even then....I find it hard to think ill of him.

 

I don't hold grudges.

 

Is it reasonable to want those you love to be happy? That's what I want for him.

 

I'm confident I'll find my own happiness within myself again.

 

Letting it go, I guess...what this is.

 

IMO it's too early to know how it worked out with his wife. Rebuilding a marriage and "seeing if it can work" takes a looooong time.

 

Not sure if this helps, but the couple times that I asked MM about his marriage after NC periods (6-8 weeks or so) both times he said it was better. He put effort into improving it and - surprise! - it improved. At the end of the day, many want to be able to walk away from their spouse without guilt, only after trying everything they could... And that day ain't gonna come. The problem is that they didn't "try everything they could" prior to starting an affair. Even if his heart longs for you to some degree, he is much more likely to stay in a salvageable marriage. I know you know this already .

 

I know deep down you want the best for him, but it will hurt if he tells you things are good in his marriage, and will also likely hurt if he tells you it isn't good because he still won't be leaving for whatever reason. If he's going to leave then he will let you know.

 

I know, it feels awful. Sooo bad. You're being brave right now. You're in the bargaining stage.

 

Play it out in your mind: what would you say and what would his possible reactions be? How would each make you feel? What is the likelihood of each? Or make a deal with yourself; if you still feel THIS bad in 48 hours then reach out to him. I mean, I'm pro NC if it helps people but we're not talking about starting a nuclear war here, we're talking about a text message or an email. Let's focus on the long term issues - your health and happiness and future.

 

Hugs.

[HeCantBreakMe]

It is my darkest hour, and I'm struggling.

 

Just lonely here. What if I text him? We all know how that will play out.

 

I don't know. It's this feeling of not knowing how he is doing that hurts soooo much.

 

Frankly, I'd like to know that he has all things worked out with his wife, or whatever. Because, I want him to be happy. I really do. I have no ill feelings for him. Unless the anger kicks in. But, even then....I find it hard to think ill of him.

 

I don't hold grudges.

 

Is it reasonable to want those you love to be happy? That's what I want for him.

 

I'm confident I'll find my own happiness within myself again.

 

Letting it go, I guess...what this is.

 

I wouldn't reach out to him. Try as much as possible to avoid the urge. If i have urges to reach out to my exMM, I will typically type up an email and sit on it for awhile. The feeling to contact him eventually goes away and I recognize that part of myself that just wants some sort of contact with him ANY sort of contact wit him.

 

If he wanted you to know how is marriage was going he would reach out and tell you, but he doesn't and the best thing you can do for him if you really want him to be happy is leave it be. If you email him it could be a trigger for him and send him into a spiral that detours him from working on his marriage. This is the part that can be difficult for us OW because we say we love our MM so much but when it comes to truly doing what is best for him we tend to lean towards our own needs.

 

Let him go. Easier said then done you know this but if you really love him and I think you do, let him live the life he chose.

 

HUGS!!! You are doing a very good thing and staying strong- keep it there.

[privategal]

An mm compartmentslizes his ow in one box..his real life, wife, family in another.

He doesnt want the worlds to mix.

He never wanted guilt, emotion, responsibility for feelings.

He wanted fun and a side peice.

It isnt your business to know how he and his wife are.

He is hoping you dont reach out.

The end is so hard and messy both AP are tormented and just want to be normal again.

Your reaching out helps neither of you.

Its a quick fix and he will respond ONLY out of obligation.

He knows he can reach you in a second with a few buttons there you are.

He doesnt want to.

He wants the nightmare and this hurricane to end.

He still cares.

But he is staying put no matter what.

So who cares if he cares.

You dont test drive a lexus every day at tge dealer you could never afford, you dont call a realator and go view the dreamhome you cant ever afford to own ....he cant afford to lose his life he built with his wife...so hes no longer testing the waters. The stakes are to high.

Its no longer fun...its messy and its time to let it go.

Let him be happy and stop obsessing about his world.

You have alot of opportunity to turn yourself around.

Your choosing to stay stuck.

Accept the end and find yourself again.

Block all avenues.

End temptation.

Admit its over and heal.

Make it final and stick to it.

[Onlywhenitrains]

It drives me nuts when I wake up in the middle of the night, can't sleep, and all I can think of is him! Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!

 

Thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement! It means and helps a lot!

[Sabella]

It drives me nuts when I wake up in the middle of the night, can't sleep, and all I can think of is him! Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!

 

Thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement! It means and helps a lot!

 

((((Rain))))). Ugh, was up all night doing the same thing. Today is a new day though and tomorrow will be better too! Thinking of you and giving you some cyber hugs

[Chica80]

Only I am so sorry you are in so much pain. It is not easy. I read your threads and I feel the same.

We never talked about a future. He never made any promises. Infact my MM doesn't talk about his wife at all. " He loves her"

 

But it's all very deceitful isn't it. Like you said in one post he came over, had sex with you and then left on vacation with his family. While you are sitting at home.

 

Yes get angry!! I find the anger doesn't last very long, after anger comes sadness and then the desire to contact again.

 

But don't give up! fight through it because you are worth so much more. You deserve so much more.

[Jersey born raised]

There is really one way to stake though the heart of this relationship. Write a letter of exposure to his wife and send it to him with a note that it will be sent to the wife unless he honors NC. Include texts, date time, etc in short make it his worst nightmare.

 

Privatelegal last post summed up the situation. I've read posts from WS that are fine living within those constraints, but in every case they had more than the one AP involved. They had a movie person, a theater person, a ski person, etc. Is this who you are?

[Onlywhenitrains]

....I was not going to count NC days, but rather living them. And, that's what I've been doing. But, I got curious today....

 

44

 

The good (not necessarily in order of importance):

 

I started exercising every day

I've taken more road trips and picked up on some old hobbies and interests

I'm so much more effective and focused at work, just like I used to be, and I've been enjoying that sooooo much in the past couple of weeks

I've spent more time with my friends

I found myself smiling yesterday for no particular reason....you know, one of those smiles on your face that come from nowhere and for no particular reason, just 'life is good' type of a thing. I don't remember when was the last time that happened

 

The bad and ugly

 

I still wake up at night and think of him, and that's when I miss him the most

I still have ups and downs, and days of enormous sadness and emptiness

There is a lot of introspection and self-reflection I need to do to fully understand the reasons for getting into the A, and more importantly the reasons for staying for so long

Still can not go through the day without thinking of him, and yes - he is still my first thought in the morning, and the last one in the evening when I go to bad

Moments of clarity are brief, and I still easily slip into vicious circle of unanswered questions about what it was/wasn't, why it was/wasn't, what if

Anger comes often, and it comes strong

I still cry

 

There is long way to go. I finally realized and admitted to myself the other day that I prefer the pain of NC over the pain and hurt I felt while in the A. Before breaking-up I was actually afraid at moments of not being able to see him, talk to him, know how he is, and what's going on in his life and how he feels....The fact that I became so dependent on one person was a tough pill to swallow. Pathetic, I know. Realizing that it is fine if I never see him or hear from him again was very liberating. It was also sad.

 

So, going back to not counting NC days and just keep going.

 

Thank you all for reading my ramblings, especially late night ones! LS and its members have been a place of tremendous support and help for me! Thank you!

Edited June 9, 2016 by Onlywhenitrains