Real Life and alike...

[jah526]

It's been 2 1/2 years for me. I'm still not over it.

 

I feel cheated - swindled.

 

Clearly I'm doing something wrong - at this point it's got to be on Me. I just don't seem to be able to prevent my mind from returning again and again to the same running dialogue , asking myself the same questions over and over: what could i have done differently, and would it have made any difference.

 

i'm stuck.

 

I've had this problem in my past relationships, blaming myself for things and trying to figure out how I could've done better in retrospect. As though somehow from this vantage point I could change the course of history.

 

I once read something about all our relationships being like riding with passengers on a bus. Some stay with us for a short time, some longer. So I guess the point is to appreciate those who have joined us on our journey, for as long as they are with us, even if they were only meant to teach us something.

[Onlywhenitrains]

It's been more than 7 or 8 months since we saw each other. Last time I saw him it was mid-Dec last year, I think.

 

I don't miss or long for him anymore. I look back and see him as calculating, manipulative liar. I don't hate him. I'm rarely or almost never angry, and here and there I have flashbacks of memories of good times we had. I wish him well, but at times feel sorry for him.

 

In Feb and March of this year, I did have a few ugly nights when I texted him...just to say what an piece of xxxx he is.

 

Over the past few weeks he kept texting me and calling me, wanting to see me...almost daily. I ignored it, but finally responded that if he continues I'll tell his wife. He continued with calls and texts for another week. He even came to my place and kept knocking at my door. I didn't respond.

 

Finally, last weekend I emailed his wife.

 

I'm not proud of it. I never wanted to do that. But, I had to protect myself at this point. I finally ended the A more than a half a year ago. I don't know how I found a strength to do it, but I did. Despite the excruciating pain I felt at the time, I didn't give up on walking away from all of it.

 

I'm not proud of telling his wife. I'll always regret it. But, I needed to think of myself first. I'm far from innocent. I'm complicit in hurting her. She is the only real victim in all of this. At the same time, I walked away from the A more than 6 months ago, and stuck with it. I begged and pleaded to him to stop contacting me.

 

I'm not happy. Far from it. At the same time, truth feels liberating.

[Eight]

I'm not happy. Far from it. At the same time, truth feels liberating.

 

Living with integrity IS liberating. When actions match words and words match actions; when for so long they didn't. It's like the sun coming out from behind the clouds.

 

It's the "right" way to live. it's what I know for sure.

 

Happiness and sadness are transient and the scale is sometimes tipped more to one side than the other; but integrity is a constant and what I can guarantee going forward.

 

I followed your thread as my timeline was similar. I last saw him at the end of December last year, too. It's good to hear you taking control of the situation. I think you gave him fair warning as to what you were going to do if he continued harrassing you. His selfishness seems to have no limits even to this day. Maybe you are doing his wife a favor in the long run by telling her.

 

I agree with you. The spouses are the victims. For me that knowledge; that's enough to keep me from ever seeing anything even REMOTELY positive/romantic/loving/redeeming about that time in my life. Love at the expense of others is not love.

[imsosad]

It's been more than 7 or 8 months since we saw each other. Last time I saw him it was mid-Dec last year, I think.

 

I don't miss or long for him anymore. I look back and see him as calculating, manipulative liar. I don't hate him. I'm rarely or almost never angry, and here and there I have flashbacks of memories of good times we had. I wish him well, but at times feel sorry for him.

 

In Feb and March of this year, I did have a few ugly nights when I texted him...just to say what an piece of xxxx he is.

 

Over the past few weeks he kept texting me and calling me, wanting to see me...almost daily. I ignored it, but finally responded that if he continues I'll tell his wife. He continued with calls and texts for another week. He even came to my place and kept knocking at my door. I didn't respond.

 

Finally, last weekend I emailed his wife.

 

I'm not proud of it. I never wanted to do that. But, I had to protect myself at this point. I finally ended the A more than a half a year ago. I don't know how I found a strength to do it, but I did. Despite the excruciating pain I felt at the time, I didn't give up on walking away from all of it.

 

I'm not proud of telling his wife. I'll always regret it. But, I needed to think of myself first. I'm far from innocent. I'm complicit in hurting her. She is the only real victim in all of this. At the same time, I walked away from the A more than 6 months ago, and stuck with it. I begged and pleaded to him to stop contacting me.

 

I'm not happy. Far from it. At the same time, truth feels liberating.

 

I think you did the right thing. You stood by your word and refused to take any more from him. You refused to undo the wonderful progress you made. You gave his wife the respect she deserves by letting her know- it's up to her now. Seems like you learned alot. wishing you the best of luck.

[Hbroken]

It's been more than 7 or 8 months since we saw each other. Last time I saw him it was mid-Dec last year, I think.

 

I don't miss or long for him anymore. I look back and see him as calculating, manipulative liar. I don't hate him. I'm rarely or almost never angry, and here and there I have flashbacks of memories of good times we had. I wish him well, but at times feel sorry for him.

 

In Feb and March of this year, I did have a few ugly nights when I texted him...just to say what an piece of xxxx he is.

 

Over the past few weeks he kept texting me and calling me, wanting to see me...almost daily. I ignored it, but finally responded that if he continues I'll tell his wife. He continued with calls and texts for another week. He even came to my place and kept knocking at my door. I didn't respond.

 

Finally, last weekend I emailed his wife.

 

I'm not proud of it. I never wanted to do that. But, I had to protect myself at this point. I finally ended the A more than a half a year ago. I don't know how I found a strength to do it, but I did. Despite the excruciating pain I felt at the time, I didn't give up on walking away from all of it.

 

I'm not proud of telling his wife. I'll always regret it. But, I needed to think of myself first. I'm far from innocent. I'm complicit in hurting her. She is the only real victim in all of this. At the same time, I walked away from the A more than 6 months ago, and stuck with it. I begged and pleaded to him to stop contacting me.

 

I'm not happy. Far from it. At the same time, truth feels liberating.

 

Thank you for posting your experience. As a MM who had a AP who was a MW (well as good as) and is 5 weeks into NC, it was really helpful to get an insight into how she may be feeling. One of the hardest things in NC is to know whether they miss you as much as you miss them and your posts really helped me with this. MAde the NC more bearable... thank you.

Did your MM get in touch after you told his wife?

[Onlywhenitrains]

Thank you for posting your experience. As a MM who had a AP who was a MW (well as good as) and is 5 weeks into NC, it was really helpful to get an insight into how she may be feeling. One of the hardest things in NC is to know whether they miss you as much as you miss them and your posts really helped me with this. MAde the NC more bearable... thank you.

Did your MM get in touch after you told his wife?

 

Yes, he did get in touch via text. He kept sending me a bunch of text messages for a few days after I emailed his wife. Messages were pretty ugly and mostly accusatory. As if everything was my fault. I didn't respond. Have no intention to do so.

[Hbroken]

Yes, he did get in touch via text. He kept sending me a bunch of text messages for a few days after I emailed his wife. Messages were pretty ugly and mostly accusatory. As if everything was my fault. I didn't respond. Have no intention to do so.

 

 

Thanks. I guess this is probably the closure you needed. I am sorry to keep asking you questions especially as you are probably now looking to move on from LS etc but i personally have found your writings very comforting.

Could i ask you the following (because some of these are pertinent to my situation)

 

1) Do you think that if things hadn't turned ugly you would have achieved closure and been able to move on as quickly?

2) Were there any techniques that you found particularly helpful to let go (before it turned ugly)?

[Hbroken]

also could i please ask how old you are.. you seem really very mature in your thoughts and writings

[Onlywhenitrains]

Thanks. I guess this is probably the closure you needed. I am sorry to keep asking you questions especially as you are probably now looking to move on from LS etc but i personally have found your writings very comforting.

Could i ask you the following (because some of these are pertinent to my situation)

 

1) Do you think that if things hadn't turned ugly you would have achieved closure and been able to move on as quickly?

2) Were there any techniques that you found particularly helpful to let go (before it turned ugly)?

 

Let me try to answer it...

 

1) I don't know. The A was 18+ months, with a lot of attempts from me to go NC and break it up. Especially during spring and summer 2016. Each time he would come back, and I'd cave in. But, also each time we broke up I was able to stay NC longer. So, by the early fall of last year I'd have a panic attack by just hearing from him and having a thought of going back to the A. I couldn't look myself in the mirror any more knowing that I am the OW. I became almost physically sick. I missed him so much at that time and it hurt, but it was somehow a tiny bit easier to endure NC.

 

When I started hearing from him again few weeks ago in late June 2017 all the pain, guilt, shame, embarrassment, lies, deceit ....you name it...started coming back in full force. I didn't want to and would not be able to handle that back in my life. All I wanted was to be left alone. I told him that. He didn't respect it. He came knocking at my door two weeks ago. I didn't open the door. Texted him the next day that if he ever makes an attempt to contact me again, I'll tell his wife. And, that if he ever comes to my door again I'll call the police and tell his wife.

 

He called again, left messages, texts. I wanted to be left alone. That was when I emailed his wife.

 

I still have not fully healed from all of it, and it will take some more time.

 

2) the most important thing was that I started focusing on myself, doing the hard work of facing things that led me to get into the A. Loneliness, stupidity, and lack of boundaries. Accepting myself and what I've done. I'm still learning to forgive myself. Being active, gym, hiking, spending more time and reconnecting with friends, reading a lot of books about mindfulness, meditating. Teaching and training my mind to focus on myself and now. Not him and times when we were in A.

 

I'm 41.

[zanwalk]

Hi Onlywhenitrains, I have just read through your sad story for the first time and would like to wish you all the best for the future. You have done the right thing, even though doing it has caused you a lot of anguish the alternative would only have caused even more pain and wasted time. You have shown a lot of resolve in doing this and I admire you for that, and you sound as though you are one special lady!

 

Someone out there deserves you and you deserve him, it is now a question of continuing your hard work and valuing yourself much more, and I am sure you will meet that special man before long with whom you can have a proper relationship with and you won't be skulking around trying to hide it.

 

Big hugs and be strong!

[Hbroken]

Hi onlywhenitrains, you are one of the most inspiring people on here. I have found reading your experiences helpful and comforting as i fight my own battle. I am a MM just coming out of a 5 year A with a 33 y old who was with her long term BF. For 5 years the A, catered to our emotional needs. This year she finally finished with her long term BF. Suddenly she had become the OW and within a couple of months we also decided to call it quits (her choice but i also wanted it to end). We work in the same building. I have never contacted her, texted her or anything for the past 3 months. However i do feel miserable that maybe she's forgotten me and is now having a romp with a bunch of new guys (she doesn't seem the sort but the mind plays all sort of tricks!). When i was feeling down and miserable i used to read your posts and gain strength that may be she is missing me - i wish we would meet again someday and i could just speak with her..but i simply can't instigate a meeting ...it would be too painful for me, it would give her some of my power and it would be the wrong thing to do.

 

anyways just wanted to say thanks for sharing your experiences. Could i please ask how things are with you now? Does the guy still make contact? Has his primary relationship finished? Have you moved on?

[Onlywhenitrains]

Hi onlywhenitrains, you are one of the most inspiring people on here. I have found reading your experiences helpful and comforting as i fight my own battle. I am a MM just coming out of a 5 year A with a 33 y old who was with her long term BF. For 5 years the A, catered to our emotional needs. This year she finally finished with her long term BF. Suddenly she had become the OW and within a couple of months we also decided to call it quits (her choice but i also wanted it to end). We work in the same building. I have never contacted her, texted her or anything for the past 3 months. However i do feel miserable that maybe she's forgotten me and is now having a romp with a bunch of new guys (she doesn't seem the sort but the mind plays all sort of tricks!). When i was feeling down and miserable i used to read your posts and gain strength that may be she is missing me - i wish we would meet again someday and i could just speak with her..but i simply can't instigate a meeting ...it would be too painful for me, it would give her some of my power and it would be the wrong thing to do.

 

anyways just wanted to say thanks for sharing your experiences. Could i please ask how things are with you now? Does the guy still make contact? Has his primary relationship finished? Have you moved on?

 

In my experience, the real healing begins when you start focusing on yourself, your thoughts and actions. It doesn't matter what/how she feels. If she misses you miserably, what difference does it make? What would change?

 

Thank you for your kind words! I'm doing okay. I'm not completely healed, and thoughts and triggers about the A still come, more often than I would like. But, I'm starting to feel more and more content with myself and my life as it is right now. And, that's a good thing. Loneliness gets to me the most, but I don't think of him as the cure to that, and I don't miss him when darkest of lonely hours hit.

 

I don't know anything about him, and his marriage, and his life right now. In the aftermath of me telling his wife, he did send some ugly, accusatory texts but that stopped. I neither need or want to know what is going on in his life. Telling his wife was drastic, radical and from my point of view highly undesirable thing. I only did it because I wanted to be left alone, I didn't want him in my life in any more in any shape or form any more. After telling him that several times earlier this summer, he repeadetly refused to respect that.

 

I wish him well. It's just that he and anything related to him is not part of my life any more. I want it to continue that way, and that's the good thing.

[Bufo]

If nothing else, he is a guy who either doesn't respect you, doesn't believe you or both. You told him to stay away. He shows up at your door. You told him no more contact attempts or you'd tell his wife. He attempts contact. You tell his wife. He goes ballistic that you told his wife.

 

Whatever qualities of his that attracted you to him this totally disrespectful behavior of his should outweigh them. Can you imagine yourself chained to him for life? You don't seem to be the sort of person who needs someone to tell you what to think or how to live your life. He seems to be the sort of person who needs to control others. You are far better off without him. I pity his poor wife.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Felt somewhat strange and afraid to be happy...here is why.

 

My phone got updated with a new software last night that apparently sends you reminders of events/memories in the past by looking at dates of pictures you have stored on your phone.

 

Tonight I got notification about October 2015 and pictures taken that day. eMM and I spent that day together and those pictures were from the road trip we took that day. Looked through some of them, and the first and only thought was "I don't need memories like this any more" and I turned off the phone.

 

Felt nothing. It's just past.

Edited October 20, 2017 by Onlywhenitrains

[Poppy47]

Hello

I have just caught up with your thread.

 

It's good to know that you have had some kind of closure albeit in such a painful fashion.

 

It's easy to relate to your experiences as a former OW, although in my case it was 9 years or so.

 

Keep moving forward and don't look back,

 

Poppy.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Poppy47 - I hope you are okay!

 

Closure comes from within...I learned that. The rest is just...life, I guess.

 

I have no words of wisdom. Just one thing I know...I need to be who I am in everything I do or say. That is the only thing I know. Win or loose, doesn't matter.... I'll always have myself.

 

That's the thing I never had while I was in the A.

Edited October 21, 2017 by Onlywhenitrains

[MidnightBlue1980]

Poppy47 - I hope you are okay!

 

Closure comes from within...I learned that. The rest is just...life, I guess.

 

I have no words of wisdom. Just one thing I know...I need to be who I am in everything I do or say. That is the only thing I know. Win or loose, doesn't matter.... I'll always have myself.

 

That's the thing I never had while I was in the A.

 

My only words of wisdom are not that revolutionary. Complete NC to the extent of cutting out people, places and things which may trigger me. The goal is to forget the other person ever walked the earth, that he/she ever existed, that it all ever happened. It's 11 months NC soon, except for one chance meeting in February. I'm a lot better.

 

I read these threads and people don't realize how affairs rob them of years of their lives. A 5 month A in '15 caused me to lose '15 and '16 and live in utter pain. 17 was recovery. I'm looking forward to 18.

[Poppy47]

My only words of wisdom are not that revolutionary. Complete NC to the extent of cutting out people, places and things which may trigger me. The goal is to forget the other person ever walked the earth, that he/she ever existed, that it all ever happened. It's 11 months NC soon, except for one chance meeting in February. I'm a lot better.

 

I read these threads and people don't realize how affairs rob them of years of their lives. A 5 month A in '15 caused me to lose '15 and '16 and live in utter pain. 17 was recovery. I'm looking forward to 18.

 

Very True Blue.

It was 9 years in my case and I am still paying the price. I will never be able to wipe him completely out of my memory and it has given me years of pain, heartache and anxiety.

 

Poppy.

[Onlywhenitrains]

It's been a while.

 

I don't know if I should say I'm doing better. All I know is, I'm on a journey of restoring and healing myself from the A. It's a long walk home. It feels good most of the time. Sometimes, it still makes me sad. Overall, it's better.

 

Last night, I saw him in my dream. It consumed most of my day today. Still can not stop thinking about it.

 

I have no one to talk to about it. So, I just figured I post here.

[Adoraxx]

Hey,

 

For how long have you been NC? For me it has been almost 4 months now and I still dream about him every night, I miss him so much. No advice for you unfortunately but I do wish you're feeling better soon

 

Hugs

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's been a while.

 

I don't know if I should say I'm doing better. All I know is, I'm on a journey of restoring and healing myself from the A. It's a long walk home. It feels good most of the time. Sometimes, it still makes me sad. Overall, it's better.

 

Last night, I saw him in my dream. It consumed most of my day today. Still can not stop thinking about it.

 

I have no one to talk to about it. So, I just figured I post here.

 

Going through one of these things is very traumatic to one's sense of self. It's not like a normal relationship and breakup. I was a different, hollow sort of person for maybe 18 months afterwards. It does get better, you do stop thinking about him, feeling sad, all of that. The hatred does linger below the surface but you don't really think about it too much.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I’ve been doing better, working on myself and my life. Trying to put the A behind. Sadness comes less and less. Anger, guilt and shame still linger, but I’m trying to work through them.

 

Then about week and a half ago, I saw him at the mall. He was alone. He saw me too and just kept starring as we passed by each other. I haven’t been doing as well as before since that evening. It has brought memories of the A, that seemed to be fading. Or, at least I’ve been hoping so. At the moment when I saw him, I felt this rush of anger for a few seconds and then it was gone. Then, I just felt empty, used and discarded. And, I allowed it by being in the A.

 

I don’t know. Some day, I hope to be able to forgive myself. Today is not that day.

[Eight]

I just posted if you want to read it, but I know how you feel.

 

I'm thinking of it on a bigger scale today; like the Universe testing me; or letting me see where I'm at, where I need more love; where I need to put more energy. (In myself, my relationships and my life at present)

 

It takes time. A lot, right? Maybe some of it (hurt anger sadness etc) will always remain. Just keep moving forward. Steady on.

 

The song, "My Silver Lining" by First Aid Kit came up today. It's a good one.

 

Regret, remorse, hold on, oh no I've got to go

There’s no starting over, no new beginnings, time races on

And you've just gotta keep on keeping on

Gotta keep on going, looking straight out on the road

Can't worry 'bout what's behind you or what's coming for you further up the road

I try not to hold on to what is gone, I try to do right what is wrong

I try to keep on keeping on

Yeah I just keep on keeping on

[Onlywhenitrains]

This forum pretty much saved me.

 

He used me for sex when convenient for him, and then discarded me like a piece of trash.

 

That’s what majority if not all MM do. So, all you OW...keep that in mind.

 

I’m out of all of it. Took some time to finally realized it and let it sink in.

 

DON’T BE ME.

 

Be something else. Something more.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This forum pretty much saved me.

 

He used me for sex when convenient for him, and then discarded me like a piece of trash.

 

That’s what majority if not all MM do. So, all you OW...keep that in mind.

 

I’m out of all of it. Took some time to finally realized it and let it sink in.

 

DON’T BE ME.

 

Be something else. Something more.

 

Yep. Me too. You basically said it all.

 

It was a hard lesson but one I will never forget. Never trust a man willing to lie to his wife and encouraging you to step out on yours.