she got back with her ex!

[kodi32]

This may get a little long but i will keep it at short as possible.

 

Just for the record, i have already accepted my current situation but felt the need to write about it.

 

I met a girl in work back in Feb. We got talking and found we had this next level connection very quickly. Before i knew it we were talking and texting every single day.

 

Things are moving forward, she is asking me to spend time with her so i officially asked her out and she said yes.

 

The very next day her Facebook status changed to in a relationship. She quickly told me she had got back with her ex. I didn't make a fuss about it and just cut all contact. Yeah i was very disappointed but shiz happens and i've never been scared to walk away.

 

Quick back story on her. Her mother died recently and she found out that another family member is terminally ill and doesn't have long left. My theory was that the ex was in the right place at the right time and she needed that comfort. I don't hold that against her, i guess we've all done that.

 

After a week of NC she text me saying she doesn't like that i've not contacted her so please don't ignore her. I told her i was very disappointed that after i asked her out she gets back with her ex. She said she was sorry and had been a completed dick and things are very complicated for her right now.

 

Anyway, i tried to minimise contact but we have this great connection that when we start talking we just make each other laugh all the time and we kept connecting on every level. She then opens up and tells me that the BF doesn't do it for her, he is always high, he doesn't stimulate her, no connection. So i said okay, then why are you with him when i am right here in front of you? I thought screw it, it is not everyday you connect with someone like this i am going to go for it. They only just got back together, we have this connection and he is a waste of space. If they had been in a long term relationship i wouldn't have pushed it this far.

 

Anyway we kept talking everyday, we met up on non date and just had the best time ever. we are just so comfortable around each that we can tell each other anything. The evening ended and she calls me when i get home. Once again we were up all night talking until the sun come up.

 

At this point my feelings for her are intense and i am seriously falling for her. So i told her that she needs to make a choice because i refuse to fill in for her bf in every department which he lacks which was everywhere. I told her exactly how i felt about her and to be honest i've never once felt about a girl the way i feel about her.

 

it took her like 4 days to reply to my text. She basically told me that after we met up she felt really guilty and that she is going to stay with the bf and try make it work. She said her feelings for me scare her and she is not ready to take a risk on me yet. She said she never met anyone like me and wasn't expecting someone like me to come along at a time like this. She said she isn't the kind of girl to cheat (respect her for that, and also nothing physical ever happened with us) I told her that i don't how to be a friend to someone that i have such intense feelings for so i said i will probably disappear with no contact but if you need anything i am here.

 

I do genuinely 100% care about her and i just want her to be happy. I have walked away and not made any contact with her of fuss about it. I am disappointed but otherwise okay. I am just so frustrated that i know she likes me as much as i like her but she is too scared to take a risk with me. Instead she is staying with a guy that is not right for her and does nothing for her.

 

i guess it is just horrible timing but i do not think i have not heard the last of her. It seems to me she made her decision based on guilt which lead to a sense of foreboding of entertaining a relationship with me. Nevertheless she has made her decision and that is that.

 

Ah that felt better to write all that down

[sandylee1]

You've done the right thing in walking away. I really don't understand people like her who aren't satisfied in their relationship.... yet when they meet someone they apparently really like.. they stay right where they are....and she's not even married.

 

It leaves me thinking she's lying about being unsatisfied with her BF and she's happy OR she wanted you both.

 

Don't feed her ego.

Edited April 9, 2016 by sandylee1
addition

[burnt]

Things are moving forward, she is asking me to spend time with her so i officially asked her out and she said yes.

 

The very next day her Facebook status changed to in a relationship. She quickly told me she had got back with her ex.

 

So she was single (according to FB), asked you to spend time with her, agreed to be your gf and the very NEXT day she got back with her ex bf?!?

 

After a week of NC she text me saying she doesn't like that i've not contacted her so please don't ignore her.

 

Now, she's back with her ex, but she is upset you ignored her after SHE dumped you ONE day after she agreed to go out with you?!?

 

She then opens up and tells me that the BF doesn't do it for her, he is always high, he doesn't stimulate her, no connection.

 

High? As in he's a drug addict? Yes, I do imagine it'd be difficult to "connect" with someone who's high all the time.

 

The evening ended and she calls me when i get home. Once again we were up all night talking until the sun come up.

 

So i told her that she needs to make a choice because i refuse to fill in for her bf

 

it took her like 4 days to reply to my text.

 

So, she took ONE day to decide to get back with her ex, but it took her FOUR days to reply to your request right after she spent the WHOLE night talking to you (while presumably her bf was high the whole night?)

 

She basically told me that after we met up she felt really guilty and that she is going to stay with the bf and try make it work. She said her feelings for me scare her and she is not ready to take a risk on me yet.

 

PLEASE do let her stay with her bf.

She feels scared for having feelings for you, but doesn't feel scared or guilty for using you to meet her emotional needs?

 

She said she never met anyone like me and wasn't expecting someone like me to come along at a time like this.

 

That sounds like the most logical reason to use you and string you along I suppose.

 

She said she isn't the kind of girl to cheat

Did she now? :roll eyes:

 

She's purely toxic. What she has been doing is sick on so many level. (I never used that many sick face emojis in one post btw).

 

Be glad that she went back to her bf. Sounds like she will contact you again when she needs to talk to someone "openly" till the sun comes up again another night when her dear bf is high. Your job at this point is to make sure you stay immune to her lure if/when she tries to use you again.

 

Sorry for what you have just gone through. Be thankful you got saved from a poison ivy. You deserve someone much better than her.

[Bufo]

Values security (him) over romance/excitement/love (you). Not uncommon with younger women in my experience.

 

Save yourself time money and effort. Be polite but detach with deliberate but not unseemly speed. Don't return her texts too quickly, don't share details of your life, be too busy to listen to her tales of woe, and if work contact is a must bring a third into the encounter via invite or phone. Definitely no out of work one on one socialization with her.

 

You should not be there if she needs anything. Remember gettin detached is your goal, not being the third wheel in her love affair. She needs a Beta Orbiter to listen to her woes about boyfriend the loser she loves. Don't be her girlfriend. Google beta orbiter if you need to and read some of the many articles there about the woes and regrets former and present beta orbiters have.

 

 

If she asks to you remain her friend tell her you have enough friends for now.

 

You need not be unkind or act like an xxxhole to her, simply detach. Every hour you are with her or are thinking of her is a wasted hour.

 

Loving a loser is something women do. They think they can change him. Read some OW threads if you doubt this. They eventually see that they were foolish, but it can take a very long time. And she's as likely to think "all men are pigs" as "Kodi is the only one I've ever wanted but I didn't see it until now" when she dumps if is dumped by loser boyfriend. And you can't tell which way she'll fall off that wall. The last thing you want to do,is to try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

 

Ask me how I know this stuff. BTDT is a sufficient answer for now.

Edited April 9, 2016 by Bufo
Forgot a few,words

[kodi32]

Wow thanks everyone.

 

I agree with most of the above assessments. I mean i'm 32 and done this song and dance many times so i knew she either had to leave him or stay with him and that i had to force her hand.

 

At the time of talking i miss talking with her but i'm actually okay about the situation. The reason for that is because at least i tried and walked away when i didn't get what i wanted.

 

Just to be clear on one thing, she was never my gf, i asked her out for a date which never happened ultimately. But emotionally i felt i was filling in for the bf.

 

I just wanted to hear other people's assessments. I guess i wanted to know that i made the right choice and that my logic prevailed over my heart.

 

Damn shame, because i've seriously never connected with someone like this before. Like sucks at times i guess but we live, learn, adapt, improvise and move on.

[kodi32]

i have an update.

 

After 4 weeks of me self imposing no contact on her i cracked and got back into contact with her.

 

I thought i had dealt with my feelings and genuinely wanted her in my life as a friend.

 

So we got talking again, i believe nothing has changed but i would say we are very much having an emotional affair right now.

 

This weekend just gone i was out for a drink with friends Friday night. I got in about 1am and i had texts from her asking how i am. We ended up on the phone until 4am.

 

We were texting and phone calling all day Saturday from 11am to 5am Sunday morning.

 

We were then texting and phone calling all day sunday from about 12 noon to 9pm.

 

We connect on a whole other level and i have fallen for this girl. I am hesitant to bring the subject of us up again because she made it clear to me last time that she is staying with her bf. They only been dating 8 weeks.

 

I won't lie. I have spent my whole life being the good guy with this kind of thing but i don't want to be the good guy here. I have completely fallen for her and i know she has fallen for me. We practically spent the whole weekend together on the phone telling each other EVERYTHING about each other and laughing and joking. Where was the boyfriend during this weekend? I know he is waste of space always getting high and doesn't have any real drive in life, where i am the complete opposite and connect with her on another level.

 

Anyway, i know everyone will says i should step away but i don't want to. I guess this is just a vent.

[Darren Steez]

Wow thanks everyone.

 

I agree with most of the above assessments. I mean i'm 32 and done this song and dance many times so i knew she either had to leave him or stay with him and that i had to force her hand.

 

At the time of talking i miss talking with her but i'm actually okay about the situation. The reason for that is because at least i tried and walked away when i didn't get what i wanted.

 

Just to be clear on one thing, she was never my gf, i asked her out for a date which never happened ultimately. But emotionally i felt i was filling in for the bf.

 

I just wanted to hear other people's assessments. I guess i wanted to know that i made the right choice and that my logic prevailed over my heart.

 

Damn shame, because i've seriously never connected with someone like this before. Like sucks at times i guess but we live, learn, adapt, improvise and move on.

 

Sorry guy, I thought you were 17 by the way you're writing.

 

I mean listen to yourself. She gets with her dude, probably banging him while she was talking to you, you do the only thing any self respecting guy would do and cut her off and she actually gets pissy saying she doesn't like that you cut her off.

 

So then you plays nice, lures you in (all the while cheating on her dude), leads you on (you know yourself this wasn't a "non date" because you're seriously jonesing for her) then after the date she cuts you off...now you're all weepy and sad.

 

This thing you call an amazing connection...you ever think how much of that "connection" was her actually leading you on?

 

Dude she's cheating on her dude with you. Seeing as you have absolutely no will power or self respect, it's only going to end badly for you.

[Bufo]

Please refer to my April post, number 4. My advice has not altered one little bit.

To summarize: detach. She's attached to her by and is using you via EA.

[Grapesofwrath]

i have an update.

 

After 4 weeks of me self imposing no contact on her i cracked and got back into contact with her.

 

I thought i had dealt with my feelings and genuinely wanted her in my life as a friend.

 

So we got talking again, i believe nothing has changed but i would say we are very much having an emotional affair right now.

 

This weekend just gone i was out for a drink with friends Friday night. I got in about 1am and i had texts from her asking how i am. We ended up on the phone until 4am.

 

We were texting and phone calling all day Saturday from 11am to 5am Sunday morning.

 

We were then texting and phone calling all day sunday from about 12 noon to 9pm.

 

We connect on a whole other level and i have fallen for this girl. I am hesitant to bring the subject of us up again because she made it clear to me last time that she is staying with her bf. They only been dating 8 weeks.

 

I won't lie. I have spent my whole life being the good guy with this kind of thing but i don't want to be the good guy here. I have completely fallen for her and i know she has fallen for me. We practically spent the whole weekend together on the phone telling each other EVERYTHING about each other and laughing and joking. Where was the boyfriend during this weekend? I know he is waste of space always getting high and doesn't have any real drive in life, where i am the complete opposite and connect with her on another level.

 

Anyway, i know everyone will says i should step away but i don't want to. I guess this is just a vent.

 

Hold the phone, Kodi. She's only been with this guy for 8 weeks? And you were NC with her for 4 weeks, so she chose him after only 4 weeks together, while she'd been also getting to know you? How long was it from the time you met until your "non-date?" If I'm doing the math correctly here, she has known this BF for maybe 3 or 4 weeks longer than she has known you? This is enough for her to choose him over you despite your incredible connection?

 

Something doesn't add up. (And one of those things is her level of honesty with guys she is dating...)

[kodi32]

Please refer to my April post, number 4. My advice has not altered one little bit.

To summarize: detach. She's attached to her by and is using you via EA.

 

I did exactly that bud and thank you.

 

I know what a beta orbiter is but i'm not beta. I was pushing things forward, telling her me or him and no in-between and that i want her.

 

You're 100% right but i don't want to stop. i don't settle for second best in my life, never have but with her i just can't help myself.

 

I know i would be giving the same advice as you but i don't want to follow it. Messed up situation.

[ConfusedCloud]

The excuse she's giving you is 100% BS. Nobody stays with a guy they don't have a connection with and tosses away a guy they have a great connection with because of "fear of risk". That doesn't even make sense. Any logical person would know that the greater risk is with the partner you have no connection with.

 

 

She is not being 100% truthful with her feelings. She obviously very much likes the guy she's currently with, she just doesn't want to tell you that. She's keeping you on the back-burner IN CASE it doesn't work out with her boyfriend. She's stringing you along. And you're falling for it. Now you're just going to be her friend until she runs her course with her boyfriend. And you seriously believe she's staying with a guy she likes less than you? That's not how it works. If she liked you more, she would instantly dump him and start being with you. Obviously. Any other excuse she throws at you for why she's not doing that, is a jumbled lie.

[anika99]

i have an update.

 

After 4 weeks of me self imposing no contact on her i cracked and got back into contact with her.

 

I thought i had dealt with my feelings and genuinely wanted her in my life as a friend.

 

So we got talking again, i believe nothing has changed but i would say we are very much having an emotional affair right now.

 

This weekend just gone i was out for a drink with friends Friday night. I got in about 1am and i had texts from her asking how i am. We ended up on the phone until 4am.

 

We were texting and phone calling all day Saturday from 11am to 5am Sunday morning.

 

We were then texting and phone calling all day sunday from about 12 noon to 9pm.

 

We connect on a whole other level and i have fallen for this girl. I am hesitant to bring the subject of us up again because she made it clear to me last time that she is staying with her bf. They only been dating 8 weeks.

 

I won't lie. I have spent my whole life being the good guy with this kind of thing but i don't want to be the good guy here. I have completely fallen for her and i know she has fallen for me. We practically spent the whole weekend together on the phone telling each other EVERYTHING about each other and laughing and joking. Where was the boyfriend during this weekend? I know he is waste of space always getting high and doesn't have any real drive in life, where i am the complete opposite and connect with her on another level.

Anyway, i know everyone will says i should step away but i don't want to. I guess this is just a vent.

 

 

And yet the BF is the guy getting the nookie. You have been friendzoned, she sees you like a girlfriend, a bestie. She will never give you the nookie. She is more attracted to her bf than she is to you. She has only been seeing him for 4 weeks, if she found you more sexually attractive than him she would dump him before you could even say "dump him". If you keep hanging onto her you will be a chump. Your only hope to have her is if her bf dumps her and then she will turn to you to stroke her wounded ego. Then she will dump you.

[dubliner]

 

I know what a beta orbiter is but i'm not beta. I was pushing things forward, telling her me or him and no in-between and that i want her.

 

And here you are.. In between

You've shown her that with very little female persuasion you're willing to accept the role of fill-in

I suggest that as you have so little self respect/control when it comes to this woman, and adamant that you're going to continue down this road, you do a bit of research on her bf and check he's not the jealous paranoid junkie type. Then enjoy it while it lasts, you sound like a perfect match for each other.

[Space Ritual]

I did exactly that bud and thank you.

 

I know what a beta orbiter is but i'm not beta. I was pushing things forward, telling her me or him and no in-between and that i want her.

 

You're 100% right but i don't want to stop. i don't settle for second best in my life, never have but with her i just can't help myself.

 

I know i would be giving the same advice as you but i don't want to follow it. Messed up situation.

 

 

You are second fiddle and you will always be in this little ABC movie of the week

 

You'll stop when you get sick of her yanking your chain.

 

She has you to fill her emotional void while her BF fills her sexual needs. She'll always take his Schwanz and your compliments. You really want to keep doing that?

 

Google No More Mister Nice Guy PDF and read it. It could save you from a massive headache you will have over the course of the summer with this low drama. And it is LOW drama. You are being taken for a ride for no good reason. Not good kid, not good.