Sad_Sally Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 (edited) I have found myself searching for answers that I might never get. I was in a long term affair. I am married. It hasn't been great for about 7 years or longer. Then 4 years ago, I met a guy who found me funny, sexy, caring, and we hit it off. He was engaged but said the relationship was rocky. Over the next 4 years, he told me they were broken up (they still lived together for financial reasons), they had called off the wedding (multiple times), they fought, etc. I ended the relationship more times than I can count because I would get jealous feelings and they were destroying me. But he always came back. Each time, he'd tell me how much he loved and missed me. I'd cave and we'd start up again. The last time this happened, he told me that he had moved into the spare bedroom. I took him back like a dummy. But I told him that I would leave forever if he ever went back to her bed. He promised to tell me if that happened but he had no plans to do that. Fast forward to late February. I find out that he was back in her bed. I dumped him and begged him to leave me alone. He begs me to stay. He tells me that he missed the bed Bc if was his bed but he wasn't going back to her. I told him no. I can't keep doing this. A few days later, he texts me that I was never to contact him again and he couldn't believe I contacted her. Well, i didn't. But I was hurt that he thought I would. This spiraled our if control. Back and forth blaming. Eventually he realized it wasn't me and he tried to get me back. He didn't care that she knew....we'd just be careful. Then the real problems started. 2 weeks ago, I got a text from her. She told me that she was planning to ruin me if I ever contacted or responded to him again. Then the words that almost killed me.....we are in fact married. He is my husband. I searched and searched the Internet. I found a record of the marriage. It happened about 8 months into our relationship. He texted me the night he got married and we were together the next day. He called my work (I had blocked every other way for him to contact me) last week. I screamed at him. I told him to leave me alone and I couldn't believe he had been lying to me for 4 years!! I hung up on him but the next day he followed me. I pulled over and begged him to leave me alone. He promised he would but told me he was sorry he lied but he was so afraid of losing me that he never wanted me to know. He told me he married her to get a loan. He said he tried to leave her but she threatened to ruin my life if he did so he is with her to protect me. Pushing his hands off of me was the hardest thing I've ever done. I am so mad at him. I hurt beyond any hurt I've experienced. I'm sad. I feel completely lost. Any friends who knew about this (there are 3) all hate him. I feel like I am spinning out of control. How can I be sad when I'm so mad? How can I hurt so much when it's obvious he has no love for me. Any words of wisdom. I swear I'm suffering from PTSD. Edited April 9, 2016 by Sad_Sally 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 It might be helpful for you to seek therapy to manage your feelings. I would also believe what his wife said about ruining you and stay away from her husband in every way. He is telling you a load of rubbish .... from the reason he married her to the reason he's staying with her. What kind of man cheats as he's taking his wedding vows? It's lower than low. He's not a good man . It would do others OWs well to learn from your story ... because even when you think nobody knows about it and will tell the BS ... they observe what's going on. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 He married her to get a loan? Even if that's true: A. What a horrible reason. And B. Do you want to be with someone who apparently has some financial issues? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 This man is beneath contempt. Don't believe anything he says to you. I also think some therapy would be helpful. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sad_Sally Posted April 9, 2016 Author Share Posted April 9, 2016 I know. I don't buy it. He has a great job but claims he had to be married to get a home loan. I don't know if that's true or not but what I do know he was with me. I feel like such a fool. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 You need to forget him. Do you want to be with someone that lied the whole time to you. And his wife should dump his ass too. He has you fooled. Both of you. Keep blocking and if he follows you again I would call his wife and tell her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Hi, Sorry for what you have been going through for four long years. The level of his deception is mind boggling and beyond disturbing. Here's my suggestion: perhaps I'm wrong, and many other posters might disagree on this. Since the wife has threatened you, you may want to write to the wife telling her your side of the story, in specific, include the following items: * her husband told you for FOUR years that he was not married and that they called off the wedding. So, I assume he took off his ring every time he saw you? I think the wife deserves to know she is married to someone who goes to that length for that long a time period to lie about even being married to her. * He was seeing you eight months prior to even marrying her? Then on the very Wedding DAY he talked to you? I think the wife needs to know WHAT (not who) she is married to. What kind of a man cheats on a fiancé and then marries her and then continues to cheat on her while claiming he's not even married to her? * Now he's following you around and claiming that he only married for a loan? YES the wife needs to know all of these ugly facts about her beloved husband. If she is some how under the impression that YOU have been chasing him, then SHE needs to have her eyes opened to the truth about her own marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 This man has to be unbalanced. Stay well away from him and his wife or they will indeed ruin you and your marriage if it is worth anything to you. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 You need to forget him. Do you want to be with someone that lied the whole time to you. And his wife should dump his ass too. He has you fooled. Both of you. Keep blocking and if he follows you again I would call his wife and tell her. If she does that, then she might as well tell her husband she's been having an A, otherwise the MM's wife will tell him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Arthur_Fonzarelli Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Ummm... so what you're saying is that, you're upset that he's been lying to you all this time? he's cheating on his SO- HELLO! and what of your husband... haven't you been lying all this time, as well. what makes your position that much different than your OM? i don't say this to sound crass, but look in the mirror for once and look at the person directly in front of you... you're just a guilty. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 You're married too? I think you both need to log onto dictionary . com and look up the meaning of that. I think followingit up with looking IP the definition of divorce may also be helpful. Even just looking up the definition of committment could clear up a few things. You both lie to people you are supposed to care about. That's how you operate your relationships. That being the case, why be surprised by it. Why not accept that you both treat people with dishonesty and built a "whatever the heck kind of relstionship this is."? Neither one of you are victims since neither one of you behaved with any kind of standards. Adjust your standards of your own behaviour, then look at adjusting your expectations from others. It's like a con artist being upset that the mark they had turned out to have swindled them out of $5. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 It beggars the imagination. Just when you think you've seen it all, you realise there's a whole new level... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Hi, Sorry for what you have been going through for four long years. The level of his deception is mind boggling and beyond disturbing. Here's my suggestion: perhaps I'm wrong, and many other posters might disagree on this. Since the wife has threatened you, you may want to write to the wife telling her your side of the story, in specific, include the following items: * her husband told you for FOUR years that he was not married and that they called off the wedding. So, I assume he took off his ring every time he saw you? I think the wife deserves to know she is married to someone who goes to that length for that long a time period to lie about even being married to her. * He was seeing you eight months prior to even marrying her? Then on the very Wedding DAY he talked to you? I think the wife needs to know WHAT (not who) she is married to. What kind of a man cheats on a fiancé and then marries her and then continues to cheat on her while claiming he's not even married to her? * Now he's following you around and claiming that he only married for a loan? YES the wife needs to know all of these ugly facts about her beloved husband. If she is some how under the impression that YOU have been chasing him, then SHE needs to have her eyes opened to the truth about her own marriage. Forwarding all text messages to his wife should solve that quickly. But then again, that requires honesty from OP. How could his wife "ruin OP" other that torching a marriage she has been cheating on for four years? Only OP knows the answer to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brothers343 Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 He married her becouse he loves her, his not going to leave her becouse he loves her, he will always choose her becouse he loves her. Tho I could have had an affair a while back......I didn't becouse the consequences are to much to bare. Remember that man can do one thing while thinking about another. MAN DO NOT LEAVE THERE WIVES. There just good at making you think they love you....and when the affair is over they put you back in there toolbox of memories and continue with the life they have with their (REAL) partner. GOOD LUCK. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 You need to be prepared for her to reach out to your husband. What proof does she have? what's your game plan if she does. Have you separated your finance's from your husband. Look you need to know what you want to do. Your husband will be destroyed by this unless you have an open or poly marriage, Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 My mm did this to me too and eventually had three children without telling me despite me telling him I didn't want to see him etc while he had a pregnant wife at home. When I found out about the third I was done. They will say anything to get you to do as they want. I'm never giving in again. Good luck OP x Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 What do you mean you "begged" him not to call, or you "begged" him to leave you alone? You don't beg someone, you tell them, and then you block all forms of communication, and you ignore, ignore, ignore. It doesn't sound like you were genuine about him wanting to leave you alone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 I don't get it...You told him that if you ever find out that he's back in his wife's bed that you would leave him for good but i take it that you have been sleeping in your husband's bed? OP, Go and work on your marriage and be a loyal wife to your husband, he deserves nothing less. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 My mm did this to me too and eventually had three children without telling me despite me telling him I didn't want to see him etc while he had a pregnant wife at home. When I found out about the third I was done. They will say anything to get you to do as they want. I'm never giving in again. Good luck OP x Lol, and like the OP's guy, how did he explain getting BS preggo three times? Oh, pleeeeeze lemme guess!!! Ok, here goes: 1) He slipped and fell between her legs - three times...2) He had the three kids with her to get tax breaks....3) A stork flew in his window and poof, baby, so from now on he's gotta make sure window is locked...4) Immaculate conception - so he's got like three holy kids or something. :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 Lol Gloria he didn't just completely avoided the subject!!! Acted as if they didn't even exist. Seeing someone deny their own children is horrible if he's capable of that God knows what else he can do. I took the exit door to the left 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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