Exists or not: Married men who cheat while in a happy marriage?

[Winterina]

People who actually would never cheat are people of stronger character than those who do. Regardless of their options or marriage.

 

It takes strength of character to resist temptation, and to deal with issues in a marriage in an honest way.

 

Many many people who have cheated (including me) are able to recognize their own character weakness when looking back on the situation.

 

And would you do it again if a real temptation comes along?

[Winterina]

Exactly. I impose some significant boundaries on myself because I do not wholly trust myself to always do the right thing.

 

That's one way to go about it, I guess... it takes knowing yourself and wanting to do the right thing. Not being so drawn by something so superficial.

[Winterina]

To be quite honest, I'll never understand why someone who knows that being with only one person is not the right fit for them will still get married, promise fidelity, have kids, put on a great front of being a loving spouse, all while sneaking around. Why didn't they just stay single in the first place?

 

That's exactly what I've been wondering...

[Winterina]

OP,

 

I'm confused as to how this causes you so much angst? You state you're aware most people are NOT like him (low risk), but if there are men like him, you don't want to marry anyone because there's a very low risk you may be marrying a "player?"

 

Actually, what I said in my first post is that I am aware that NOT ALL PEOPLE are like him. Most are. Or would be given the right opportunity. That is why Im concerned...It is just that watching him deceive her and go around woke up these questions in me that I have now and then.

[OneLov]

I apologize. In that case, don't get married if you are concerned that men like him exist. Human emotion is complicated. Existence is objective, but happiness is subjective. Maybe he enjoys the disfunction of it all? Who knows?

[minimariah]

To be quite honest, I'll never understand why someone who knows that being with only one person is not the right fit for them will still get married, promise fidelity, have kids, put on a great front of being a loving spouse, all while sneaking around. Why didn't they just stay single in the first place?

 

they don't want to - folks like that usually need some kind of constant in their lives; family. SOMEONE to come home to. add social pressure to settle down and have children and there you have it.

 

being single means being alone - and that, for many, is a very scary thought.

[Winterina]

I apologize. In that case, don't get married if you are concerned that men like him exist. Human emotion is complicated. Existence is objective, but happiness is subjective. Maybe he enjoys the disfunction of it all? Who knows?

 

Who knows... exactly.

 

I am not concerned they exist - I know they do and most of men seem to be like him, or would be given the chance.

 

I just saw your video clip. Never saw that TV show.

[Winterina]

they don't want to - folks like that usually need some kind of constant in their lives; family. SOMEONE to come home to. add social pressure to settle down and have children and there you have it.

 

being single means being alone - and that, for many, is a very scary thought.

 

This sounds completely right... at least it makes sense what you said.

 

I would never be able to be with someone just for the sake of certainty... I would have to love that person that I lie next to every night and wake up with every morning.

[thefooloftheyear]

Actually, what I said in my first post is that I am aware that NOT ALL PEOPLE are like him. Most are. Or would be given the right opportunity. That is why Im concerned...It is just that watching him deceive her and go around woke up these questions in me that I have now and then.

 

I'll basically repeat what was said before....but its worth mentioning....

 

If you are hanging around with him the way you are saying, he's expecting to get laid...You aren't gonna watch the game, go to the pub for a pizza and a couple of beers, or help him rebuild the engine in his car. like his guy buddies would....

 

Guys generally don't "buddy around" with women...This guy may be a serial case, but TBH, if you look good and do and say the right things, there is a pretty good chance a guy who's never cheated in his entire life, is gonna take that bait-if given the circumstances you have laid out.......

 

Like the others have said....a lot of it is about boundaries...You know, no woman on the planet(wife/gf) is going to be happy with her man doing what you guys are, no matter what you try to convince yourself or others that you are just with a friend for an evening.....total nonsense...

 

You cant draw a conclusion about anything by the stuff you said..Not in my opinion anyway...

 

 

TFY

[Winterina]

I'll basically repeat what was said before....but its worth mentioning....

 

If you are hanging around with him the way you are saying, he's expecting to get laid...You aren't gonna watch the game, go to the pub for a pizza and a couple of beers, or help him rebuild the engine in his car. like his guy buddies would....

 

Guys generally don't "buddy around" with women...This guy may be a serial case, but TBH, if you look good and do and say the right things, there is a pretty good chance a guy who's never cheated in his entire life, is gonna take that bait-if given the circumstances you have laid out.......

 

Like the others have said....a lot of it is about boundaries...You know, no woman on the planet(wife/gf) is going to be happy with her man doing what you guys are, no matter what you try to convince yourself or others that you are just with a friend for an evening.....total nonsense...

 

You cant draw a conclusion about anything by the stuff you said..Not in my opinion anyway...

 

 

TFY

 

Maybe you are all right... maybe he does want to get to my bed - but he is not showing it. So Im ok with it as long as it stays that way. If I had to cut off every male friend I have because of what might be in his head, my life would be much poorer because I cannot talk to women about many things (read the sentence below).

 

We ARE in fact connecting over the very same thing you assumed we are not - motorbikes and tennis, pizzas and movies... It really is a buddy thing from my side, don't know what's in his head.

 

He is a serial cheater - my single neighbour thinks that he might have never really found the one, and might have been too responsible towards kids to break up a family. Maybe he is just a bastard. Apparently, there are all kinds of reasons and what someone said on this thread sounds true: people cheat for different reasons and we will never know really unless they talk and speak the truth. But those are very personal things and hard to open up about if they were buried and cemented somewhere...

 

I talk to a friend from long ago and he tells me that he cheated because it was never good between them. She cheated on him at the start of the marriage. He forgave and they were together for 20 years... during which she treated him badly and he always had a feeling she is with him because he provides for her and the daughters (the most dedicated father i have ever seen in my life btw). They tried marriage counseling for long time and it did not work. So he moved to the basement of their house for a few years and then started cheating... he did not get any from his wife, she did not show much affection, etc. So he eventually fell in love and moved in with another woman and got divorce (not the ideal order but life will give you that). He said that he felt guilty and did not want his daughters to think of him as a cheating bastard. And I told him that he is not a cheating bastard but a guy who fought for his family till the bitter end and he is just a human who needed someone to love him and touch him... Looking back he knows that he should have gotten a divorce first and then do everything else, but like with a dying man, the hope that things will change dies last... He is, in my book, not a cheater.

 

We don't always do the right things but we are not wrong to do them.

 

So it is not always black and white. You will never hear the real story until after the divorce anyway. Very few will talk about it.

 

I never cheated on anyone and did not have interest in anyone else, so I am finding it hard to relate to any of this but I'm very much trying to understand. And in some cases it is easy to do and in other cases not so... those might be the cases where people do not talk, or are just bastards.

[Robert Z]

Exactly. I impose some significant boundaries on myself because I do not wholly trust myself to always do the right thing.

 

I would have thought the same of myself but passed the test with flying colors. While in college I had several women throwing themselves at me. One evening, though it all started innocently, I found myself alone in a hot tub with a beautiful young lady who had designs on me, with her literally bending over with her butt in my face, and wearing a shoestring bikini. I was soooooooo tempted as I sat gazing at paradise. All I had to do was move a few inches. And she was just waiting for me as she pretended to be playing with the controls. But I never made the move. At the end of the year, another one of these women flat out asked me if I would have sex with her. She even talked about wanting to be dominated. In both cases I finally explained that I would love to take them up on their offers, but I believed that by cheating once my marriage would be irreparably damaged; even if I was the only one who knew it. And it was the truth. Boy do I regret that!

[xxoo]

He's happy because he has everything he wants: the picture perfect family, the stability and wealth that comes with a long marriage, the mother for his children, the women on the side....

 

What he doesn't have it is desire to love one women, exclusively, for all the years of his life. Since he doesn't want it, he is happy without it.

 

Look for a man who wants it. There are lots of them.

[dreamingoftigers]

Exactly. I impose some significant boundaries on myself because I do not wholly trust myself to always do the right thing.

 

Me too.

 

"Just happen" is not in my list of excuses.

 

I shut that crap down fast.

[cocorico]

 

I really NEED to believe that marriages like that cannot possibly be happy because how can I go on knowing that everything can be perfect and your husband will still have affair after affair, both physical and emotional...

 

 

Some guys are in denial about being unhappy in their M - especially successful men, as they feel it could reflect badly on them. So they pretend it's all fine - although their behaviour clearly signals that it's not.

 

Others are not aware of their own unhappiness. For so long in the M they've had their feelings invalidated, told that they have no right / reason to feel anything other than ecstatically happy, told that everything is their fault, etc that their own feelings have become blunted and they've been bludgeoned into acting as though it's all just great, and have been gaslighted into believing that they must be happy... Until they meet someone else, realise that other Rs are different, and start to become aware of the cognitive dissonance and the extent of the gaslighting they've been subjected to. (My H was one of these. Luckily, he had a good IC to help him get beyond all that...)

 

And then there are a few that really are just not satisfied, and are seeking to fill an abyss within themselves through external means.

 

Which scenario your friend fits you'll have to discover through observing him.

[wmacbride]

Some guys are in denial about being unhappy in their M - especially successful men, as they feel it could reflect badly on them. So they pretend it's all fine - although their behaviour clearly signals that it's not.

 

Others are not aware of their own unhappiness. For so long in the M they've had their feelings invalidated, told that they have no right / reason to feel anything other than ecstatically happy, told that everything is their fault, etc that their own feelings have become blunted and they've been bludgeoned into acting as though it's all just great, and have been gaslighted into believing that they must be happy... Until they meet someone else, realise that other Rs are different, and start to become aware of the cognitive dissonance and the extent of the gaslighting they've been subjected to. (My H was one of these. Luckily, he had a good IC to help him get beyond all that...)

 

And then there are a few that really are just not satisfied, and are seeking to fill an abyss within themselves through external means.

 

Which scenario your friend fits you'll have to discover through observing him.

 

Sounds like he may ave had a little bit of help, beyond a therapist in deciding he was "unhappy".

[cocorico]

Sounds like he may ave had a little bit of help, beyond a therapist in deciding he was "unhappy".

 

Yep. His family had been suggesting it for decades, and his colleagues had remarked on it at work. Helping him to reclaim his "right" to his emotions was a long struggle on their part.