I can't figure out why I keep getting rejected

[you_can_not_see_me]

It just seems like I can never get a girl I m interested in to go out with me.

 

 

Sure I m a little shy when it comes to asking women out but even as I ve gotten more confident in asking women out. I m still getting the same results.

 

I don't feel like I m an unattractive man, when I look in the mirror I can totally see girls being attracted to me but the only explanation I m left with after being rejected so many times is I must not be attractive to the women I approach.

 

sigh

 

I just want to know where I stand honestly, whether I should just accept a dateless life or has it just been an extended period of bad luck and I should keep at it.

[Satu]

You might be due for a break.

 

Forget about finding a partner for a while and get into doing things that give you pleasure.

 

Try something new.

 

Go somewhere new.

 

Just enjoy being alive.

 

Then start looking again when you feel you've got into a good space inside yourself.

 

 

Take care.

[you_can_not_see_me]

You might be due for a break.

 

Forget about finding a partner for a while and get into doing things that give you pleasure.

 

Try something new.

 

Go somewhere new.

 

Just enjoy being alive.

 

Then start looking again when you feel you've got into a good space inside yourself.

 

 

Take care.

I was on a break for while, I tried changing my strategy too, just to see if my old way of approaching might be the problem. but it doesn't seem like anything is changing.

 

I try to enjoy life outside of dating but as the years go by the lack of a dating life has just been weighing me down and everything is feeling dull.

I m not some hopeless romantic, but the void is definitely getting to me.

 

I don't even need a girlfriend, I just want to be physically and emotionally close to a woman, even if only temporarily. I need to know I m lovable in romantic way.

Edited April 10, 2016 by you_can_not_see_me

[angel.eyes]

Perhaps it's time to reexamine your expectations and criteria.

[Fruitee]

Desperation shows and people do not usually like that or are drawn to that. Maybe thats the problem?

[you_can_not_see_me]

Desperation shows and people do not usually like that or are drawn to that. Maybe thats the problem?

I don't think I appear desperate in front of the girls I ask out, but I don't know its possible.

 

For instance the rejection I got today, was in the context of me asking a girl out in an email. I knew before hand it wasn't a very attractive method of asking her out and maybe it seemed desperate to her but I don't believe me asking her out face to face would have changed anything.

 

I have tried to rationalize my poor performance in dating with the fact that my method and approach or presentation might be the issue, but with a failure rate of pretty much 100%, I doubt that's the real explanation. After there are tons of awkward guys out there who go on dates and I don't even think I m that awkward. I ve probably got more guts when it comes to approaching women than your average guy.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Perhaps it's time to reexamine your expectations and criteria.

In what way exactly?

 

like going for less attractive women?

While its true that some of the women I ve tried to ask out recently have been at the upper end of attractiveness. I ve also approach more moderately attractive women and the results were similar.

Going after anything lower would be pointless. Why should I go after women I m not attracted to. It defeats the whole purpose of dating. I want to date so I can become physically and emotional close to a girl I m attracted to. Just being with a woman isn't my goal.

[Fruitee]

Seriously none of the women you ask out go out with you?

 

Well to be honest. If someone asked me out via email I wouldnt go. Who even writes emails anymore unless its for work?

 

Maybe wider your dating pool? Who are these women? Where do you meet them?

[you_can_not_see_me]

Seriously none of the women you ask out go out with you?

 

Well to be honest. If someone asked me out via email I wouldnt go. Who even writes emails anymore unless its for work?

 

Maybe wider your dating pool? Who are these women? Where do you meet them?

You are telling me if you were attracted to someone and they asked you out in an email you wouldn't consider going out with that person?

 

I didn't want to ask her out via email but it was the only avenue left. She had left the group we meet up at and I only had her email. It was either email her or forget about her.

 

Anyway, I have asked women out in person, but it was the same answer. The farthest I have gotten with a girl has been two of them agreeing to go out when I asked them out at first but then obviously indicating their unwillingness by making excuses when the time comes.

 

Most of the women I ask out are from my college.

Edited April 10, 2016 by you_can_not_see_me

[Fruitee]

^ Well why you didnt ask her out when you were in that group?

 

If I was attracted to someone I guess they wouldnt have to ask me out via email because I would already know this person.

 

Maybe thats your problem? You dont know these women.

[elaine567]

While its true that some of the women I ve tried to ask out recently have been at the upper end of attractiveness. I ve also approach more moderately attractive women and the results were similar.

 

Did any of these women show they were attracted to you, prior to you asking them out?

It is much easier to push against an open door, so you need to be able to suss out who is likely to say yes first, before you just keep adding to your refusals.

YOU would need to be very skillful, or very good looking to persuade an upper end of attractiveness women to go out with you if she doesn't actually know you or she has shown definite interest in you.

If you are just randomly asking very attractive girls out, then I guess your success rate is going to be around zero.

[Fruitee]

^ Exactly.

 

I would never ever go out with a guy who randomly asks me out just because of my looks.

 

You have sex with a body. Look at pretty face. But personality is for all the other stuff.

 

Get to know these women. Pretty women are much more than just pretty. And we appreciate it much more when guy actually takes the time to get to know us.

[Jabron1]

You aren't giving nearly enough detail for anyone to give you constructive feedback.

 

Go out and approach a girl. Then give details such as exactly what was said, how it was said, body language, etc.

 

Also, explain your method more properly. The more details you give, the more help you'll receive.

 

Be specific.

 

So far I'll tell you this:

 

I need to know I m lovable in romantic way.

 

Not a good motivation. Feminine and wishy-washy. This will come across in your vibe.

 

If you are approaching women in the street, know that it's the most challenging way of doing things, but also the most rewarding (by far IMO). But it tests you mentally in ways that I'm not sure you even understand.

 

Also, this thread might be helpful to you, as it goes over some of this stuff:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/575070-best-tips-approaching-stranger

[gonetildecember]

Take a break. Focus on yourself, and building your confidence in social situations. Not that I wouldn't consider a date from someone who asked over email if we had a prior connection, but it does come across as impersonal and lacking effort if you're just asking random girls out online, with whom you have no prior interactions.

 

Your OP left me thinking that there may be a few things you yourself could work on..."I don't feel like I m an unattractive man, when I look in the mirror I can totally see girls being attracted to me but the only explanation I m left with after being rejected so many times is I must not be attractive to the women I approach. " Rejection is normal, and that is going to happen time and time again before you find the right person, however, turning that rejection into the idea that something must be wrong with you isn't helpful. It will diminish your self-esteem and confidence, making it harder for you to try again the next time a girl you're interested in comes around.

 

Good Luck!

[BlueIris]

How do you know the women you’re asking out?

What do you have in common with them?

[you_can_not_see_me]

^ Well why you didnt ask her out when you were in that group?

 

If I was attracted to someone I guess they wouldnt have to ask me out via email because I would already know this person.

 

Maybe thats your problem? You dont know these women.

we only saw each other for two sessions, and I wanted to ask her out on the third, but the group coordinator said she wasn't coming back, so that's when I decided to email her.

 

I used to wait longer to ask women out, but that would also lead to rejection, just a harder rejection and people here said my mistake was waiting too much.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Did any of these women show they were attracted to you, prior to you asking them out?

It is much easier to push against an open door, so you need to be able to suss out who is likely to say yes first, before you just keep adding to your refusals.

YOU would need to be very skillful, or very good looking to persuade an upper end of attractiveness women to go out with you if she doesn't actually know you or she has shown definite interest in you.

If you are just randomly asking very attractive girls out, then I guess your success rate is going to be around zero.

Yeah with most of the girls I approached I felt like the girl might have been interested. I have tried to be as objective as possible on trying to tell whether they were interested or not, but I guess its all wishful thinking.

 

Its funny how you guys are telling me I should have gotten to know the girls more before asking them out, while previously people here gave me the exact opposite advice, they said I should go for ASAP as women can lose interest if wait too long to make a move.

[elaine567]

Yeah with most of the girls I approached I felt like the girl might have been interested. I have tried to be as objective as possible on trying to tell whether they were interested or not, but I guess its all wishful thinking.

 

Its funny how you guys are telling me I should have gotten to know the girls more before asking them out, while previously people here gave me the exact opposite advice, they said I should go for ASAP as women can lose interest if wait too long to make a move.

 

Its all a matter of timing, too fast "Who IS this guy?", too slow "I'm sorry no, you seem like a great guy though, we can be friends, fancy hanging out sometime?"

[BlametheIrish]

You said something to the effect of "Maybe the type of women I'm attracted to just aren't attracted to me". If you set your sights on very attractive women then you have some very stiff competition. Good looking people tend to date good looking people (I hate to generalize but a look around in any social setting and your conclusion will most likely be similar to mine)

 

Women are visual creatures too (so many on LS downplay this) How you dress, how you act,and how confident you look can be a big factor in how a woman responds to you asking her out.

 

So work on your shyness, your wardrobe, hold your head high and when you ask out a woman, do it with confidence. Any insecurity shining through will most likely land you a rejection.

[you_can_not_see_me]

You said something to the effect of "Maybe the type of women I'm attracted to just aren't attracted to me". If you set your sights on very attractive women then you have some very stiff competition. Good looking people tend to date good looking people (I hate to generalize but a look around in any social setting and your conclusion will most likely be similar to mine)

 

Women are visual creatures too (so many on LS downplay this) How you dress, how you act,and how confident you look can be a big factor in how a woman responds to you asking her out.

 

So work on your shyness, your wardrobe, hold your head high and when you ask out a woman, do it with confidence. Any insecurity shining through will most likely land you a rejection.

While I can always be more confident, I m plenty confident already, especially compared to the average guy. I also dress fine (I don't know why you would assume otherwise).

I also find it hard to believe that being a little nervous when asking a girl out would lead to rejection every time. If that were true more than 80% of men would be dateless.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Its all a matter of timing, too fast "Who IS this guy?", too slow "I'm sorry no, you seem like a great guy though, we can be friends, fancy hanging out sometime?"

So what is a good timing range?

[SammySammy]

The problem is awareness. Or the lack thereof.

 

This is what I want you to do:

 

1. Continue to talk to people, including women you're attracted to. Just do it with no other intent than to build rapport. To have the best conversations and interactions possible. That's it. Nothing more. No other intention.

 

2. Be cognizant and aware. Pay close attention to the other person. Try to imagine what they are feeling. Learn to read body language. Research and study emotional intelligence. Apply what you learn. Be willing to adjust and adapt on the fly based on what you perceive.

 

Your problem is you're trying to walk through walls. Closed doors. Then wonder why you can't get through. Why it hurts. It's supposed to hurt when you walk into a wall. You're not supposed to get through when you walk into a closed door.

 

The key to your success lies in learning to recognize where the doors are. And when they're unlocked for you. This skill, along with the courage to approach and the willingness to adapt, will flip your success rate.

[BlametheIrish]

While I can always be more confident, I m plenty confident already, especially compared to the average guy. I also dress fine (I don't know why you would assume otherwise).

I also find it hard to believe that being a little nervous when asking a girl out would lead to rejection every time. If that were true more than 80% of men would be dateless.

 

I mean you say you're shy by nature. Your posting history is a good indication of your insecurities. The dressing thing was a shot in the dark just generalized advice since I dont know you as a person. And while I'm generalizing, I get a feeling you either come off as extremely awkward or you're just not very good looking. Either of those things can be a big deterrent to good looking women. I'd personally put money on it being a personality issue sinxe you've been posting quite similar threads for at least a year now. Anyhow I'm gonna bow out of this thread as I think any advice is in vain per your posting history.

[you_can_not_see_me]

I mean you say you're shy by nature. Your posting history is a good indication of your insecurities. The dressing thing was a shot in the dark just generalized advice since I dont know you as a person. And while I'm generalizing, I get a feeling you either come off as extremely awkward or you're just not very good looking. Either of those things can be a big deterrent to good looking women. I'd personally put money on it being a personality issue sinxe you've been posting quite similar threads for at least a year now. Anyhow I'm gonna bow out of this thread as I think any advice is in vain per your posting history.

Wait why would any advice be vain in regards to my posting history?

Do I have a history of not listening to people?

 

Posts on here can make it seem like someone is more awkward than they really are because I m intentionally highlighting my awkward feelings.

[you_can_not_see_me]

The problem is awareness. Or the lack thereof.

 

This is what I want you to do:

 

1. Continue to talk to people, including women you're attracted to. Just do it with no other intent than to build rapport. To have the best conversations and interactions possible. That's it. Nothing more. No other intention.

 

2. Be cognizant and aware. Pay close attention to the other person. Try to imagine what they are feeling. Learn to read body language. Research and study emotional intelligence. Apply what you learn. Be willing to adjust and adapt on the fly based on what you perceive.

 

Your problem is you're trying to walk through walls. Closed doors. Then wonder why you can't get through. Why it hurts. It's supposed to hurt when you walk into a wall. You're not supposed to get through when you walk into a closed door.

 

The key to your success lies in learning to recognize where the doors are. And when they're unlocked for you. This skill, along with the courage to approach and the willingness to adapt, will flip your success rate.

IDK I think I m a pretty perceptive guy, at least outside of dating I ve been good at reading people and judging their motives and feelings.

I guess its possible that in the context of dating wishful thinking clouds my judgement.

I ve been trying to evolve my approach and methods for some time but I guess there is more to be done, and even then its not certain that a better approach method will lead to better results if I m not seen as physically attractive by the women I approach.