I can't figure out why I keep getting rejected

[ExtraSpice]

Do you have a close friend, preferably female, who can give you a blunt opinion if you ask her the same questions?

[elaine567]

So what is a good timing range?

 

Unfortunately there is no formula x+y = z, it is all a case of recognising signs and "knowing" when to make a move as she likes you and wants you to ask her out, and when to hold off as you have no chance.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Do you have a close friend, preferably female, who can give you a blunt opinion if you ask her the same questions?

Yes I have asked for blunt opinions on why my friends might think I m failing at dating. And in my earlier years I received good feedback. I used to dress pretty sloppy and I was pretty lazy about grooming, but my friends told me to fix that and I did. Right now they claim to be puzzled why its not working out for me, they just say it must be my approach or something.

I d even be willing to post a picture of myself here for feedback, but I don't see a feature for that

[preraph]

For now, you should only ask out women who are initiating talking to you and putting themselves in your vicinity repeatedly, because those are the ones interested. Don't just pick a girl out based on looks and ask her out. Stop focusing on the girl in the room you think is hot because every other guy is doing the same thing. Instead stop looking and just look around you and keep watch for anyone who smiles at you or finds a reason to talk to you or stand or sit by you.

[ExtraSpice]

Yes I have asked for blunt opinions on why my friends might think I m failing at dating. And in my earlier years I received good feedback. I used to dress pretty sloppy and I was pretty lazy about grooming, but my friends told me to fix that and I did. Right now they claim to be puzzled why its not working out for me, they just say it must be my approach or something.

I d even be willing to post a picture of myself here for feedback, but I don't see a feature for that

 

If it is approach then can you give some details such as:

 

1) Location of where you ask these girls out?

2) Are they completely cold starts or are you acquainted with them?

3) What is your goal? Relationship, one night stand, FWB?

4) An example or two of a time you tried. The where, how, when and what you said in a particular situation.

[oldshirt]

do you have any popular and attractive female relatives or trusted friends around your age that you can ask what the problem may be? Some times your best friends are the ones that tell you that you have a booger hanging from your nose that you need to touch up your deodorant.

 

 

My suggestion is find a trusted female friend or relative (she must be attractive and popular and in the league that you want to play in) and ask her to be completely blunt and straight with you. Some times there are things that we are completely blind to that can turn people off and we didn't even know about.

 

 

Attractive women are in such demand and have so many offers and opportunities that they look for reasons to reject. Those things can be as simple as dirt under fingernails, ear/nose hairs, unibrow, out of date clothes etc.

 

 

Get some honest evaluation and feedback from some women who care about you and want to see you succeed.

[basil67]

We've talked about clothes....which are apparently fine. But what about your hair? Ask your hairdresser if it could do with an update

[ZA Dater]

I'll get banned for this but so be it.

 

The simply face in life is not every has dating success, around about now there will be a chorus behind many keyboards saying "Oh its ZA with his negativity" but logic does prevail.

 

How to accomplish success, I am going to suggest joining a site like seeking arrangement, simply pay for what you want, its a heck of a lot easier than trying to negotiate what may or may not be wrong with you. Frankly I doubt there is much wrong with you.

 

This BS advice "oh there is lots of competition, maybe look at widening your search" to those people I say this, do any of you date "Down" more demoralising advice I cannot yet imagine. OP, don't date down, if you keep going at this, keeping going for what you want.

 

At least some here admit that looks trumps everything else, kudos. Again OP, go to gym build up massive arms and abs, I hear these are more important than brains, why "well look at my bf he is such a muscle toned guy", even if he cannot put three intelligent sentences together.

 

Motivate yourself each day to look above this rejection, look at the people who are rejecting you, look carefully, who do they associate with, who are their friends and then decided based on that if you have actually lost out at all.

 

How social are you? Lots of friends, I am guessing not, friends I am told, are the easier way to find people, though I cannot comment first hand.

 

Lastly a hair cut, if a girl rejects you on that basis, she isn't worth having full stop.

 

Please don't feel down because if one spent long enough reading some of the "advice" here its all too easy to feel like a piece of trash, I know I have been there.

 

Be confident and embrace who you are.

[Fruitee]

^ I dont think widering dating pool means dating down. What I mean by that is e.g. if OP only hits on tall blondes maybe he would be having better luck with tall red heads. Looks arent everything. And getting different types of experiences are always good.

[you_can_not_see_me]

^ I dont think widering dating pool means dating down. What I mean by that is e.g. if OP only hits on tall blondes maybe he would be having better luck with tall red heads. Looks arent everything. And getting different types of experiences are always good.

I already go for a wide variety of women. I ve been interested in women from lots of different races and backgrounds. White women may be my most frequent target but that's because there are more white women around.

[ZA Dater]

^ I dont think widering dating pool means dating down. What I mean by that is e.g. if OP only hits on tall blondes maybe he would be having better luck with tall red heads. Looks arent everything. And getting different types of experiences are always good.

 

I am sorry but widening by its very nature means compromising and almost always compromising means dating down.

 

I think the OP would be better served with having his sense of self worth built up rather than destroyed by trying to date down. In all honesty looks are one facet but what would be interesting to know would be the types of people personality wise who are rejecting the OP.

[Fruitee]

^ I still have to disagree. Because there are so many beautiful people around.

 

But OP said he had quite wide pool so that is not the problem.

 

I still think the main reason for being rejected is these women not knowing him. So I would suggest chatting ladies up. E.g. during breaks and lunch. And then asking out. Not just sending emails out of the blue.

[elaine567]

Everyone who is struggling needs to be very honest with their own self worth. No-one wants to "date down", but the reality is that people tend to pair off with their equals in the dating world.

It may not be only about looks, it may be class, education, money, personality etc. The whole package.

People feel most comfortable with people who are like themselves, their own group, people they can take home to their family, people who will fit right in with their friends.

We all love those stories where there is a huge mismatch, he is boy from the ghetto, she is a class act. She is a waitress and he is a high flying exec, etc.

But in real life people tend to feel very uncomfortable out of their depth and out of what they know.

It needs very special people to bridge that gap, so I often wonder are those who struggle merely pitching at the wrong crowd?

[you_can_not_see_me]

Everyone who is struggling needs to be very honest with their own self worth. No-one wants to "date down", but the reality is that people tend to pair off with their equals in the dating world.

It may not be only about looks, it may be class, education, money, personality etc. The whole package.

People feel most comfortable with people who are like themselves, their own group, people they can take home to their family, people who will fit right in with their friends.

We all love those stories where there is a huge mismatch, he is boy from the ghetto, she is a class act. She is a waitress and he is a high flying exec, etc.

But in real life people tend to feel very uncomfortable out of their depth and out of what they know.

It needs very special people to bridge that gap, so I often wonder are those who struggle merely pitching at the wrong crowd?

Like I said I go for women of varying backgrounds, that includes class and looks (I have gone for more average looking women too). Education is irrelevant because I am a graduate science major, none of the women I have gone for eclipse me in that regard.

[you_can_not_see_me]

One of my close friends I talked to today is convinced the issue is the circumstances in which I approach women.

 

He thinks I probably come off as some random guy whose asking them out and since attractive women have plenty of opportunities to meet men in a more comfortable and convenient way, they would rather turn me down.

 

I guess meeting a girl in a social circle might make it more likely that they would say yes, But currently I m not in a position to go out a whole lot and I m limited to the people I already know for the moment. so I don't have lots of options.

 

 

I m not sure I buy this. I mean other men are able to get dates by approaching random women, no? why shouldn't I be able to land a date with women from one of my classes. This all just feels like retro rationalization.

[elaine567]

Education is irrelevant because I am a graduate science major, none of the women I have gone for eclipse me in that regard.

 

Education is NOT irrelevant.

That statement sounds a tad arrogant, would it be a problem if she "eclipsed" you in that regard?

Are you giving off a patronising, condescending vibe to these women maybe?

[SammySammy]

Everyone who is struggling needs to be very honest with their own self worth. No-one wants to "date down", but the reality is that people tend to pair off with their equals in the dating world.

It may not be only about looks, it may be class, education, money, personality etc. The whole package.

People feel most comfortable with people who are like themselves, their own group, people they can take home to their family, people who will fit right in with their friends.

We all love those stories where there is a huge mismatch, he is boy from the ghetto, she is a class act. She is a waitress and he is a high flying exec, etc.

But in real life people tend to feel very uncomfortable out of their depth and out of what they know.

It needs very special people to bridge that gap, so I often wonder are those who struggle merely pitching at the wrong crowd?

 

Perhaps.

 

We've heard that opposites attract, but successful couples are often similar in temperament. Whatever external "differences" we may perceive are overcome by fundamental similarities.

 

With that said, one problem I consistently see with these guys who struggle with dating is a lack of awareness. A lack of insight. A disconnect between their view of the world and their experience of the world.

 

Their problem is not only who to pitch to, but when and how. Timing is important. Strategy is important. The key is observing and analyzing the situation accurately and then taking the right actions at the right time. Screw that process up and the key doesn't work.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Education is NOT irrelevant.

That statement sounds a tad arrogant, would it be a problem if she "eclipsed" you in that regard?

Are you giving off a patronising, condescending vibe to these women maybe?

No I was just saying this in reply to the notion that the girls I approached would turn me down because they didn't meet their standards.

 

I don't think my education makes me better than anyone. And I have not been patronizing or arrogant to any woman I ve approached.

[angel.eyes]

Okay. You keep knocking down everyone's suggestions and feedback. What exactly are you hoping for when you start these threads?

 

Bottom line: if you never get a yes, just year after year of repeated rejections, you're shooting pretty far "out of your league" in some way.

 

Readjust based on the feedback you're getting from the dating pool, or carry on as you are. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

[angel.eyes]

No I was just saying this in reply to the notion that the girls I approached would turn me down because I didn't meet their standards.

But they are turning you down because you don't meet their standards. If you did, they would agree to a date. Right?

[elaine567]

He thinks I probably come off as some random guy whose asking them out and since attractive women have plenty of opportunities to meet men in a more comfortable and convenient way, they would rather turn me down.

 

If that is the case then he is right.

Random men asking women out need to be very skilled in asking women out, or be very good looking.

There has to be some pull, something extraordinary to make it worth while agreeing to go out with a stranger, else it is just easier to say no or I have a bf, or I am too busy.

Even less attractive women with few options, are going to be wary of bring picked up essentially "on the street" by some random.

[Jabron1]

He thinks I probably come off as some random guy whose asking them out and since attractive women have plenty of opportunities to meet men in a more comfortable and convenient way, they would rather turn me down.

 

Who is a woman going to value more, the guy who online dates and sits behind his computer sending messages to her crammed inbox, or the guy with fire in his balls to approach her in the middle of the street?

 

I guess meeting a girl in a social circle might make it more likely that they would say yes

 

The only thing that has going for it is added comfort.

 

Has a hell of a lot of drawback too.

 

I m not sure I buy this. I mean other men are able to get dates by approaching random women, no?

 

Yes. You're obviously doing it wrong.

 

why shouldn't I be able to land a date with women from one of my classes.

 

It'd help if you actually fully explained your method.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Perhaps.

 

We've heard that opposites attract, but successful couples are often similar in temperament. Whatever external "differences" we may perceive are overcome by fundamental similarities.

 

With that said, one problem I consistently see with these guys who struggle with dating is a lack of awareness. A lack of insight. A disconnect between their view of the world and their experience of the world.

 

Their problem is not only who to pitch to, but when and how. Timing is important. Strategy is important. The key is observing and analyzing the situation accurately and then taking the right actions at the right time. Screw that process up and the key doesn't work.

Hmm, my friend also said something similar to this. He thinks my execution is faulty.

But what if that just how I behave? Maybe I can't be smooth with women, and no matter how many times I try I ll still come off a certain way.

 

I willing to keep trying but when I keep getting the same results I can't shake the feeling that something must fundamentally be wrong.

[you_can_not_see_me]

But they are turning you down because you don't meet their standards. If you did, they would agree to a date. Right?

I don't know. I can't really see what standard it is that I m failing to meet. I fully expected at least a couple of the girls I asked out to say yes. On some level getting all these rejections surprises me, I wouldn't have expected it to be so even from a purely statistical point of view.

[Jabron1]

I don't know. I can't really see what standard it is that I m failing to meet. I fully expected at least a couple of the girls I asked out to say yes. On some level getting all these rejections surprises me, I wouldn't have expected it to be so even from a purely statistical point of view.

 

Dear oh dear.

 

What statistics? You haven't told us any. How many approaches have you made? Are you asking them on same day dates, or going for the number? Going direct, or indirect? How long are these conversations? What are they about? What standard of girls are we talking about? What standard would you rate yourself?

 

Just WTF is going on here?

 

Perhaps you just lack the self-awareness needed to up your game.

 

Seems like you want one of us to yell 'Allakazam'! And all you're troubles will disappear.