I can't figure out why I keep getting rejected

[you_can_not_see_me]

Dear oh dear.

 

What statistics? You haven't told us any. How many approaches have you made? Are you asking them on same day dates, or going for the number? Going direct, or indirect? How long are these conversations? What are they about? What standard of girls are we talking about? What standard would you rate yourself?

 

Just WTF is going on here?

 

Perhaps you just lack the self-awareness needed to up your game.

 

Seems like you want one of us to yell 'Allakazam'! And all you're troubles will disappear.

Just for the sake of argument lets say 10. Asking 10 girls who you are casually acquainted with out, you d expect at least one of them to say yes, wouldn't you?

 

I think look decent, nothing crazy good looking, but I got my good features. If I were to number the attractiveness of the girls I have approached I d say they vary between 6-9 on attractiveness scale.

Edited April 11, 2016 by you_can_not_see_me

[ZA Dater]

Okay. You keep knocking down everyone's suggestions and feedback. What exactly are you hoping for when you start these threads?

 

Bottom line: if you never get a yes, just year after year of repeated rejections, you're shooting pretty far "out of your league" in some way.

 

Readjust based on the feedback you're getting from the dating pool, or carry on as you are. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

 

I'll call you out on this one.

 

Its highly probable the OP is an educated nice guy, looks good and yet he still gets rejected, you keep going on about leagues but please tell me how YOU define them.

 

Based on his responses here the OP appears educated and capable of an intelligent conversation. I am curious as to the nature of the people he is approaching, is there any common ground, if not rejection is easier to understand.

 

OP, do you have anything in common with the people you approach?

[elaine567]

Its highly probable the OP is an educated nice guy, looks good and yet he still gets rejected, you keep going on about leagues but please tell me how YOU define them.

Based on his responses here the OP appears educated and capable of an intelligent conversation. I am curious as to the nature of the people he is approaching, is there any common ground, if not rejection is easier to understand.

 

I once knew a man who had no gfs in the few years I knew him.

He looked like the Clark Kent version of Superman, he was very good looking, well educated and intelligent - behind the glasses, behind the apologetic mannerisms, behind the nervousness he exhibited that made you uncomfortable in his presence, behind the monotone he spoke in and behind the intense way he had of looking at you sometimes, interspersed with staring at the floor.

Superficially he was a good 9, I guess, but in the league of dating he was reduced to a 2-3 by his personality.

I am sure he was just painfully shy, but I KNOW why he had no gfs.

[Jabron1]

Just for the sake of argument lets say 10. Asking 10 girls who you are casually acquainted with out, you d expect at least one of them to say yes, wouldn't you?

 

Not necessarily. Depends on how you go about it.

 

Going by my own standards, I would expect about 3 phone numbers - and probably a 50/50 chance at getting a date. Sound bad to you? Consider that I can do ten approaches in one (tiring) day

 

I approach in a direct manner - there is no way that it can get misconstrued as being 'friends'. That means less numbers, but less poncing about.

 

I think look decent, nothing crazy good looking, but I got my good features.

 

If I were to number the attractiveness of the girls I have approached I d say they vary between 6-9 on attractiveness scale.

 

Same here on both counts.

 

It takes a lot for a guy to get good at this type of game. You need to be at least average in looks, willing to push yourself far outside of your comfort zone, and willing to be a very harsh self-critic.

 

I think you lack the sort of self-awareness for it, if I'm honest. I think you are badly outcome-dependent, and not thinking things through as a process. Only obsessing over an end result.

 

When I started doing this, I considered every approach as a victory. Then I was excited to get numbers. Then dates. Then dates on the same day of meeting. Then crazy stuff

 

It's a game. Enjoy the process.

 

The details matter.

 

I once knew a man who had no gfs in the few years I knew him.

He looked like the Clark Kent version of Superman, he was very good looking, well educated and intelligent - behind the glasses, behind the apologetic mannerisms, behind the nervousness he exhibited that made you uncomfortable in his presence, behind the monotone he spoke in and behind the intense way he had of looking at you sometimes, interspersed with staring at the floor.

Superficially he was a good 9, I guess, but in the league of dating he was reduced to a 2-3 by his personality.

I am sure he was just painfully shy, but I KNOW why he had no gfs.

 

If we are talking strictly looks, I'm a 6. My ex-girlfriend was a 9 (and she knew it too ).

 

Game > Looks

[ZA Dater]

I once knew a man who had no gfs in the few years I knew him.

He looked like the Clark Kent version of Superman, he was very good looking, well educated and intelligent - behind the glasses, behind the apologetic mannerisms, behind the nervousness he exhibited that made you uncomfortable in his presence, behind the monotone he spoke in and behind the intense way he had of looking at you sometimes, interspersed with staring at the floor.

Superficially he was a good 9, I guess, but in the league of dating he was reduced to a 2-3 by his personality.

I am sure he was just painfully shy, but I KNOW why he had no gfs.

 

Granted that is possible but I'd reckon had be been happy to do the random hook up thing he could have been very successful at it.

 

That's my point a person CANNOT change the bold parts of the above. Those are character traits.

 

My point here is the OP cannot be SO bad we cannot get one positive response, even I had positive responses, albeit for people I didn't like but I still had two. And I am basket case to end all basket cases!

 

My feeling is the OP isn't doing anything wrong he is simply targeting people who has horrid character traits because if I were a girl I would at least humour a guy who has the guts to ask me out to begin with, the fact he is dismissed so summarily suggest there is plenty wrong with the people he is asking.

 

Likewise he may not be asking correctly, he has my respect for asking because its something I am incapable of doing so the fact he can do that is positive even if the result isn't.

 

People need to be built up in life and there are few things as deflating as constant rejection, so my advice with the OP remains the same, think highly of yourself but walk with soft steps, be assertive but not too much, listen before you speak. Maybe network with friends more.

 

We can sit here and try and pick him apart but what does that do to his sense of worth, my own experience here is it makes you feel worthless and terrible.

 

He also needs to look carefully at who is asking, do they all have similar character traits?

 

You can sit and analyse why things don't work, you can try improve but ultimately you are only as successful as the other person displays humility and a certain degree of kindness.

 

Everyone has good qualities but most are dismissed and irrelevant ones are magnified on the scale of attraction.

 

OP, where are you meeting these people and in what context.

[ZA Dater]

and not thinking things through as a process. Only obsessing over an end result.

 

I hate to say it but the success is defined by the result not the process. Few people enjoy the process of cooking more than the actual eating.

 

Way I see it the OP isn't getting any positive tangible result at all so where does he take the positive and the victory from?

[elaine567]

Game > Looks

 

I agree, looks get blamed so often for lack of success, but I have known loads of average/ below average looking people who are very successful dating wise, their looks may be a 6 but their dating value is 9 due to their personality and "game".

[PrettyEmily77]

I hate to say it but the success is defined by the result not the process. Few people enjoy the process of cooking more than the actual eating.

 

Way I see it the OP isn't getting any positive tangible result at all so where does he take the positive and the victory from?

 

Actually, most people who really love cooking enjoy the process just as much (if not more) as the actual eating.

 

As an example, I'm spectacularly bad at cross country biking but I really enjoy doing it because it gets me to do something fun with people that I love, and I get to meet new people along the way + the more practice I get, the better I become.

[ZA Dater]

Actually, most people who really love cooking enjoy the process just as much (if not more) as the actual eating.

 

As an example, I'm spectacularly bad at cross country biking but I really enjoy doing it because it gets me to do something fun with people that I love, and I get to meet new people along the way + the more practice I get, the better I become.

 

Look I think the process with some things is important but as a guy I can tell you I cannot judge myself a success with females until they say yes to a date, the asking part cant be looked at as a success.

 

Context is important, I just think there are many people walking around date less and constantly rejected through no fault of their own other than poor luck/circumstance/harsh society.

 

Only way I can see someone like the OP getting any success is to keep positive about himself and who he is rather than being bogged down in negativity of "oh you are doing this wrong".

 

Reality is dating shouldn't be hard, it should not be hard to get a date but for some personality types its simply impossible and you cannot say that every person who is constantly rejected is at fault for being rejected.

 

OP, what hobbies do you have?

[PrettyEmily77]

Reality is dating shouldn't be hard, it should not be hard to get a date but for some personality types its simply impossible and you cannot say that every person who is constantly rejected is at fault for being rejected.

 

OP, what hobbies do you have?

 

IME, dating doesn't come naturally to most people - they either take it in their stride, make light of it or see it as a fun way to meet new people, not as the ultimate life-changing event your whole personal happiness is dependent upon.

[ZA Dater]

IME, dating doesn't come naturally to most people - they either take it in their stride, make light of it or see it as a fun way to meet new people, not as the ultimate life-changing event your whole personal happiness is dependent upon.

 

Fundamentally nobody wants to be alone.

[PrettyEmily77]

Fundamentally nobody wants to be alone.

 

Most people (not everyone) appreciate the company of others - it needn't be a romantic partner, though.

[Jabron1]

Look I think the process with some things is important but as a guy I can tell you I cannot judge myself a success with females until they say yes to a date, the asking part cant be looked at as a success.

 

A woman accepting a date invite isn't success to me - doesn't mean sh*t. But I'm not going to crap all over your victories, and you shouldn't his.

 

At first, the asking is a success. Because it's a step in the right direction. Most men don't have the balls to do what he did.

 

You think you're going to just become Lord Byron overnight?

 

Context is important, I just think there are many people walking around date less and constantly rejected through no fault of their own other than poor luck/circumstance/harsh society.

 

That is a weak minded 'victim' mentality, and doesn't account for personal responsibility.

 

Only way I can see someone like the OP getting any success is to keep positive about himself and who he is rather than being bogged down in negativity of "oh you are doing this wrong".

 

Giving up is negative. Being positive is about improving.

 

When I was a white belt in Judo, should I have told the black belts to keep their 'negativity' to themselves? No, I persistently bothered them for help.

 

Reality is dating shouldn't be hard

 

No. Reality is reality.

 

Don't wish things were easier. Wish you were better.

 

Make sh*t happen.

[Jabron1]

Actually, most people who really love cooking enjoy the process just as much (if not more) as the actual eating.

 

Exactly.

 

Some people just cook to eat. Others open a bottle of wine, put on some music, and make an event out of it.

 

Life is what you make it.

[jasmineb]

Honestly, while sometimes I secretly hope my daughter never meets Jabron (just teasing), he really should do a dating bootcamp.

 

Attitude is HUGE in dating. All I have to do sometimes is sit and listen to or read what a guy (or girl) is saying and I know EXACTLY why they do not date. Bitterness always trumps biceps.

[Chris2016]

Honestly, while sometimes I secretly hope my daughter never meets Jabron (just teasing), he really should do a dating bootcamp.

 

Attitude is HUGE in dating. All I have to do sometimes is sit and listen to or read what a guy (or girl) is saying and I know EXACTLY why they do not date. Bitterness always trumps biceps.

 

It's huge in life.

Edited April 11, 2016 by Chris2016

[ZA Dater]

Honestly, while sometimes I secretly hope my daughter never meets Jabron (just teasing), he really should do a dating bootcamp.

 

Attitude is HUGE in dating. All I have to do sometimes is sit and listen to or read what a guy (or girl) is saying and I know EXACTLY why they do not date. Bitterness always trumps biceps.

 

 

Very easy quality to acquire that.

[jasmineb]

Very easy quality to acquire that.

 

That's true. Anyone who chooses to become bitter can do so very easily. I spent some time there myself.

[you_can_not_see_me]

Not necessarily. Depends on how you go about it.

 

Going by my own standards, I would expect about 3 phone numbers - and probably a 50/50 chance at getting a date. Sound bad to you? Consider that I can do ten approaches in one (tiring) day

 

I approach in a direct manner - there is no way that it can get misconstrued as being 'friends'. That means less numbers, but less poncing about.

 

 

 

 

 

Same here on both counts.

 

It takes a lot for a guy to get good at this type of game. You need to be at least average in looks, willing to push yourself far outside of your comfort zone, and willing to be a very harsh self-critic.

 

I think you lack the sort of self-awareness for it, if I'm honest. I think you are badly outcome-dependent, and not thinking things through as a process. Only obsessing over an end result.

 

When I started doing this, I considered every approach as a victory. Then I was excited to get numbers. Then dates. Then dates on the same day of meeting. Then crazy stuff

 

It's a game. Enjoy the process.

 

The details matter.

 

 

 

If we are talking strictly looks, I'm a 6. My ex-girlfriend was a 9 (and she knew it too ).

 

Game > Looks

Its true, I don't enjoy the process of working up my courage to approach women. And often I just want to get it over with, ask the girl out and get my answer. I don't like being in a "maybe" zone where I don't know other people's intentions and opinions.

If I were to get a yes, then I would enjoy what comes after. I know what I feel, whether I like a girl or not, I only feel at peace if I know where the girl stands as well.

[ZA Dater]

Its true, I don't enjoy the process of working up my courage to approach women. And often I just want to get it over with, ask the girl out and get my answer. I don't like being in a "maybe" zone where I don't know other people's intentions and opinions.

If I were to get a yes, then I would enjoy what comes after. I know what I feel, whether I like a girl or not, I only feel at peace if I know where the girl stands as well.

 

Another impressive post! Based on my own less than ideal experiences you hit the ball out the park with the bold, if one knows where they stand it does help and how they arrived in that position.

 

 

Once again keep positive...as difficult as it can be.

[Imajerk17]

The way I see it, when I approach and whether or not the girl likes me, it isn't a matter of "where the girl stands", it is instead a matter of whether or not the girl has good taste

 

I'm having a tough time seeing the angst. I mean I approach a woman and we are either connecting and flirting or we aren't. She is either interested and engaged in the conversation or she isn't. That is the "where she stands" and it just isn't hard to tell. If we are connecting then asking to continue the conversation at another time is like brushing my teeth in the morning. If we aren't connecting then move on.

 

OP if you are a graduate student in the sciences then your environment is like 67% male which can't be helping you. Any way to put yourself in other environments?

Edited April 11, 2016 by Imajerk17

[you_can_not_see_me]

The way I see it, when I approach and whether or not the girl likes me, it isn't a matter of "where the girl stands", it is instead a matter of whether or not the girl has good taste

 

I'm having a tough time seeing the angst. I mean I approach a woman and we are either connecting and flirting or we aren't. She is either interested and engaged in the conversation or she isn't. That is the "where she stands" and it just isn't hard to tell. If we are connecting then asking to continue the conversation at another time is like brushing my teeth in the morning. If we aren't connecting then move on.

 

OP if you are a graduate student in the sciences then your environment is like 67% male which can't be helping you. Any way to put yourself in other environments?

yeah and the women in my program are generally older and don't really care much about their appearance. Plus many of them are already married, and the ones who aren't I m not really interested in, in a romantic way.

[Justanaverageguy]

Its true, I don't enjoy the process of working up my courage to approach women. And often I just want to get it over with, ask the girl out and get my answer. I don't like being in a "maybe" zone where I don't know other people's intentions and opinions.

If I were to get a yes, then I would enjoy what comes after. I know what I feel, whether I like a girl or not, I only feel at peace if I know where the girl stands as well.

 

Wow - well to be honest I think you are focusing on the wrong thing anyway. Putting the cart before the horse as they say.

 

You seem to be focusing on: "how to get a girl to say yes to a date"

When what you should be doing is actually focusing on: How to connect with women and develop a connection where you get them to like you and be interested in you and attracted to you.

 

They are connected but not the same thing. If you can do the later one well the first one takes care of itself. All you seem to care about is getting a "yes" but you seem to have very limited interest in actually developing the relationship, conversation, banter with the girl before hand. Approaching a random girl - or even one you have met before - without any of these is quite simply pointless. These days because I've become comfortable talking with women, enjoy the process and spend time developing the relationship, flirting, chatting etc - I often actually get girls asking me out directly or "suggesting" I should ask them out. You don't even have to ask them if you work on the important part

Edited April 12, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[ZA Dater]

Wow - well to be honest I think you are focusing on the wrong thing anyway. Putting the cart before the horse as they say.

 

You seem to be focusing on: "how to get a girl to say yes to a date"

When what you should be doing is actually focusing on: How to connect with women and develop a connection where you get them to like you and be interested in you and attracted to you.

 

They are connected but not the same thing. If you can do the later one well the first one takes care of itself. All you seem to care about is getting a "yes" but you seem to have very limited interest in actually developing the relationship, conversation, banter with the girl before hand. Approaching a random girl - or even one you have met before - without any of these is quite simply pointless. These days because I've become comfortable talking with women, enjoy the process and spend time developing the relationship, flirting, chatting etc - I often actually get girls asking me out directly or "suggesting" I should ask them out. You don't even have to ask them if you work on the important part

 

Nice subtle brag in the last three lines.

 

 

Good post though, so how does the OP connect with ladies?

[GemmaUK]

so how does the OP connect with ladies?

 

Communication, eye contact, laughter, body language..using it and being able to read it.

 

I have to say though that both the OP and yourself said in this thread a little earlier that you feel the need to know where 'she' stands.

Part of the total essence of relationships and love is 'not ever quite knowing 100%'.

Maybe these ladies get this vibe from you - that you 'need' to know and need to know fast.