I guess it didn't fix itself... Now what?

[seamos]

My son is 31 years old, he was born when I was 18. His mother and I married because of the pregnancy and certainly not for love or longevity . My wife and I were both far from parent material, never the less we both tried to be good parents... we just weren't real good at it. We were still just kids ourselves.

 

My wife and I divorced when our son was about two years old and she signed full custody over to me because she didn't feel able to share joint custody at the time.

 

 

So now I was an ill equipped single parent but I did try to provide a good childhood for him. Over the years I went thru several relationships and his childhood was much different than mine had been but we always lived in the same house and he was always in the same school system and I always made it a point to hug him and say "I love you" so there was some stability and affection in his life.

 

 

He began to have trouble in school and began stealing things at home, being dishonest about the smallest things. I didn't believe in spanking as discipline so I tried to correct his behavior by scolding or reasoning or any other way that seemed appropriate but nothing worked The last year he was in elementary school most teachers refused to take him in their class and I was constantly at the school trying to iron out problems. He would just refuse to participate in any part of school. There were many, many other problems but I'm trying to only cover the bare essentials for the sake of time, but for a single parent who didn't take naturally to parenting it was quite overwhelming.

 

 

Then, at thirteen, he ran away from home. Two weeks later he showed up at his mothers. She had straightened her life out by this time and she agreed to let him stay with her and would enroll him in school there when it started, but in a couple weeks I think he realized that she had rules too that he was expected to follow so he took off again and neither of us saw him for over a month. During that time my house was burglarized and it was really no great surprise when the next time I saw my son he was in the back of a cop car. They had caught him and some kid named "Scrappy" with one of the guns stolen from my house.

 

 

At this point I was ready to give up, it seemed that every good quality I had tried to instill in him simply had caused him to do the exact opposite. I felt that he had put himself in a position where I could do nothing to help him and I admit it was somewhat of a relief to let the juvenile justice system take over. I still hoped that at some point he would learn and become a successful member of society but I felt that it would probably take some jail time before that happened.

 

 

Now, enter my mother. I had never discussed the problems I was having with my son in any detail with her and now she absolutely wouldn't listen to my reasons for letting him be incarcerated. I finally just removed myself from the situation and went on with my life.

 

 

My mother began a crusade to save her grandson from all the trouble he was in and seemed to blame most of it on me. I certainly felt I was to blame for some of it, I never felt like parenting came natural to me but I also knew I had tried as hard as I could to be a good parent but nothing had seemed to work.

 

 

Years went by and my parents poured a small fortune into keeping my son out of trouble but they had no more luck at it than I did. They only succeeded in keeping him out of jail as far as their money would go. He lived some of the time with his mother and some at a facility for wayward youths. I kept in touch a little bit but also kept my distance.

 

 

As a teenager and a young adult he kept getting in trouble with the law. His criminal record includes felony and misdemeanor drug charges, DUI, sexual assault, burglary, eluding police and much more. Each time, my parents paid for attorneys, paid fines, paid for drug and alcohol classes. They also paid all of his other bills such as rent, utilities, and all the other costs of living. I should also point out that my parents aren't rich, my dad is retired from dairy farming, he is 90 and my mom is 86 and they only have the money they have saved, a little invested and a small monthly amount from the VA. I recently found out that my mother had told my brother a couple years ago that they had spent nearly $100,000 on my son! He refuses to get a job. He has had several, but few have lasted more than a month and he has convinced his grandmother that since he is a convicted sex offender nobody will hire him. He is now thirtyone and he continues to get money from my parents and becomes angry if they don't give him what he wants. My parents have dropped an insurance policy that would have provided my father with nursing home care and now his health is failing to the point of needing it. My mother has no idea how they can survive yet they still are quick to defend my son regardless of what he does. My mother is so dedicated to "helping" him that I sometimes think she has lost her mind. About six months ago our discussion about it became very heated. I brought up his criminal record, using his sexual assault conviction as an example. Her response;

 

 

"That charge shouldn't even be on his record, it happened a long time ago and besides, I heard it from his own mouth, it didn't happen that way! That girls parents had it in for him!"

 

 

I don't know all the details of what happened but I do know (my granddaughter came about from this) that "that girls parents" had every right to be angry with my son. They weren't pleased that a seventeen year old unemployed high school dropout had knocked up their 12 or 13 year old child. I don't blame them a bit for being angry and I can't believe my mother would say what she did. This isn't the mother I remember, it's as if she has flushed her religion down the toilet just so she can defend her grandsons actions.

 

 

After that arguement I quit discussing anything about my son with her and haven't had much to say to her about anything. My parents are elderly and the last thing I want is to bring more stress into their lives, I want to become closer to them and bring happiness to their later years

 

 

There is so much more to this crazy saga but I would have to write a book to cover it all. My question is this; Seeing how bad this whole situation has become I have begun to develop resentment toward my mother. I feel she stepped in where she had no business being years ago when she refused to let him go to jail and she took it upon herself to pay his way out of trouble. I believe, even more strongly today, that he needed that jail time and maybe even prison to help him become a productive member of society. I feel all she is doing is enabling him but she refuses to see it. I know I should have done more to face this problem years ago but I didn't. How should I deal with the anger I'm feeling toward her and how do I heal the rift between us? I don't want this issue to continue to drive us apart.

[SammySammy]

You're right in that your mother has enabled your son. You're also right in that your son would be better off if he learned to accept responsibility for his actions.

 

That word - responsibility - underlies this whole situation.

 

Your son is ultimately responsible for what has happened in his life. His attitude and actions sowed what he has reaped.

 

Your mother is responsible for the situation she's in. Enablers have a way of making bad situations worse. But, they do it out of love. Their hearts are in the right place. Their minds are somewhere else. She's still responsible.

 

You and your ex-wife are responsible for the ways you've contributed to this also. You're pretty critical of yourself and seem to accept your situation and parenting skills may not have been ideal. I don't think any of us young parents were as prepared as we needed to be - I know I wasn't. Don't beat yourself up too bad because of that. At least you're accepting responsibility for your role.

 

Which brings me to my final point. Your responsibility from this point forward is simply to love them - your parents and your son - but let them shoulder the responsibility of their decisions and actions. Keep the lines of communication open, but don't participate in any bad decisions or take responsibility for anything they've done.

 

Let every bucket sit on its own bottom.

 

Love and respect them all. Do good to all where you can. It will be difficult, but what's most important for you at this point is seeking peace. Peace between you and them. Your peace of mind. Seek peace. That starts by placing responsibility where it properly lies.

[seamos]

Thanks for your response. Yes, it's true, I've never felt I was a very good parent and I think that's because I never wanted to be a parent. I know that sounds bad but I've never felt like there was any natural paternal bonding instinct in me that I've heard other fathers talk about. I feel sorry for my son that he couldn't have had a more natural family to grow up in. I don't know how much that would have changed the outcome. His mothers family goes back several generations with some very disturbing problems that they seem to be unable to control so I wonder if it's partly due to an inherited trait?

 

 

Yes, I know my mother means well in everything she does, she really is a wonderful person and my parents have both devoted their lives to being good parents and grandparents, it's mostly this one problem with my son that has kind of been tearing us apart. I love my mother deeply but then I'll find myself in some sort of mood swing when I almost feel like I hate her when I dwell on the problem. I have to make myself quit thinking that way because I don't like how it makes me feel.

 

 

Thanks for your encouragement, it helps a lot.