Dating married man (Updated)

[oodlesofun]

I am a 21 year old female from AZ and I am at a crossroads in my life. I am going to tell it how it is because I need some constructive feedback about my situation, since almost no one knows this about me.

 

Soon after I started a new job as a waitress, I met a charismatic, funny, good-looking, smart, man who was nothing more to me than just a coworker. We clicked though, and got along super well. His name is David.

 

At the time I was in a year-and-a-half relationship with a guy whom I really loved, but I had recently moved 45 minutes away from him, which caused us to only see each other once a week. The distance severed our relationship throughout the first few months.

 

Anyways, it was the summer so I was working full-time, which made me a lot closer to David, who was constantly flirting with me. I never payed him any attention though, because he was 34 years old and married with kids. After work, we always went out with coworkers to a bar for drinks, and I would leave every time I felt him getting closer to me or if I felt an attraction towards him. Several months later, after a rare moment of being left alone together at the bar, we got into a deep conversation about relationships, and he told me that he wasn't in fact married, but just lived with her for many years. He confessed that he wasn't feeling very happy in the relationship. In a way, I felt a little better for feeling an attraction to this man, and maybe it was the drinks or the distance I felt in my relationship, but I fell for his temptation when he leaned in for a kiss. I don't know if it was the anticipation or the feeling of doing something forbidden, but it was the most passionate kiss I've ever had. We decided to take it to a hotel room, and had the best time ever... it was amazing. I had only one partner my whole life (my boyfriend) which only made me feel a little worse, but he treated me so well I almost forgot.

 

We didn't see each other the next day, and I thought about him all day. We only talked about buying a Plan B pill because I got nervous, but we left it at that and didn't speak for two days. I knew I shouldn't expect more, but I also felt used and stupid, so I posted a picture of my bf and I to see what he would say. It worked, and we texted for a little while. The next day I told him to come see me outside my house for a little bit after he got off work, so he did, and we didn't even notice two hours go by. We didn't do anything sexual,

but we laughed and talked the whole time.

 

Time went by, and David and I only got so much closer... the fact we had to hide it from everyone makes it so much fun and interesting, we always sneak out of work for a little kiss, and we always help each other out when we're busy at work. His gestures are so sweet, once in a while he gives me roses and chocolate and now my room is full of teddy bears he has given me. We both talk about how wrong it is that we are doing, and we have tried to stop but it is just so hard to stay away from each other! He has told me that if only I were at least 25 years old he would leave his wife for me because he feels like he would rob me of my youth at my young age (I just turned 21). When we are together, we don't feel the age difference at all, it's just laughs and happiness. We are in love, but we both know it's so wrong.

 

This has been going on for 5 months, and we have tried to "break up" several times but we always end up back together. I felt really guilty with my bf and things really weren't working out, so I broke up with him 3 days ago, which has made me feel much better.

 

David and I are currently not talking since last night because we went out to drink with the coworkers (they still don't know), and he wasn't acting like himself. He was probably having another one of his "guilt" episodes, so he distanced himself from me. I got upset because of his lack of attention, but I got even more upset at myself for GETTING upset about that... c'mon, he is not mine to feel like that over. When the bar closed, I took an Uber home and half-expected him to be waiting outside like he always does, but felt even worse for expecting that. In my tipsy feelings, I began to cry and resolved to not talk to him again for my own sake. He called 14 times and texted me with excuses for the way he acted, but I know him and I know why he was really acting the way he was. I just replied saying I was fine and good night. We haven't talked since then, but we both work tomorrow all day and I know we might just end up back to normal. He just knows how to always make me change my mind, and I hate him for that.

 

David and I have the best chemistry: mentally, emotionally, and sexually. I would love to have his assets in a man to call my own, someone that isn't actually him, because I would hate to cause so much damage in his family. We love each other, and you want the best for the people you love, even if that means sacrificing things for the best of them. That means I would sacrifice the happiness that I find when I'm with him for his own sake. I just don't know if he would do the same.

 

David recently confessed to me that he is in fact married to his wife, so what he told me earlier was a lie to make me fall for his temptation. This truly scares me because I actually believed him.

 

I need serious help... do I have a serious problem with relationships? I hate how needy I get whenever they don't show me the attention that I want. I feel like that is a deep rooted problem. What should I do? I have even thought about quitting my job in order to make this easier for me.

 

 

P.S. I have thought about if David just wants sex from me, but his actions tell me otherwise. He sneaks out at night and from events just to be with me for a little, and he never asks for sex. He truly does love me, but he also loves his wife.

[oodlesofun]

I am 21 years old. I met a man at work and fell in love over time. We have GREAT chemistry, mentally, emotionally, and sexually, but he is 34 years old and married with kids. He treats me so special, gives me little presents and shows that he truly cares about me, but I am so scared. We both feel terrible for what were doing, but we are truly in love. We have tried many times to separate but it hasn't worked out. I love this man. How do I leave him???

 

 

SN: I have a longer, more detailed post on this relationship, but I just wanted to get to the point.

[CarrieT]

How do I leave him???

Expose his infidelity to his wife.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi & welcome to LS.

 

You say, "I would hate to cause so much damage in his family." does he have children with his wife?

 

You may want to contact the moderators & have this moved to the OW/OM (Other Woman/Other Man) section. There are more members posting there who are in a similar situation or have been in the past & have experience to share. They can be incredibly supportive.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would love to have his assets in a man to call my own

 

Let's think about his assets for a second -

 

- willing to lie to you? Check...

 

- willing to deceive his wife? Roger...

 

- willing to date you even though you have a boyfriend? Bingo...

 

- Doesn't care how much you get hurt? Yep...

 

- Willing to get you pregnant? True...

 

This is really what you want ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[angel.eyes]

Yeah, this will not end well for you! That's why most women won't touch married cheaters with a ten foot pole. Quite the learning experience ahead since you've elected to mess around with him! Brace yourself for the painful, esteem-eroding, bumpy ride.

[Honourably honest]

OP, I think the only sensible advice here is for you to finish school and grow up. At 21 you are bathing in the traits of a 13 year old hormonal girl. He has children, a wife and responsibilities you cannot understand.

He has people that are financially dependent on Hi.. You have rose tinted spectacles on.

I do hope, that in 13 years time when you are settled down somebody takes your man, just like you've done.

How proud must your parents be? That's worth a consideration.

So, an in your face post here. You can avoid all the heartbreak here by walking away and letting a family just get on with its life, or you can throw stones at a bee hive.

[elaine567]

Married men often chose attached women as their OW, because she has a relationship to lose too so less likely to tell his wife, less likely to get attached, less likely to be sleeping around and less likely to cause trouble by suggesting he leave his wife (which he has no intention of doing ever).

 

Now you have ditched the bf, he will be getting worried, hence the distance. You are now a single OW, a loose cannon, capable of anything, capable of blowing up his world, and he won't like that.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Darling, you're just 21, with so much ahead of you. What a life you have to mould! Do it wisely and it will be filled with everything you want to achieve and more!

 

This man is not yours to love, he has a wife and children to whom he promised loyalty 'in sickness and in health, forsaking all others'.....this means if things aren't great at home it is HIS responsibility to address it. That does not mean sneaking off behind his wife's back looking to salve his issues.

 

You were shrewd enough to know that the relationship with your boyfriend should end because of your feelings which shows that you are capable of moral judgement, so I would suggest you rely on your obvious moral code instead of your fluttery feelings to put a stop to what, as MANY here will tell you, will only destroy you.

 

Listen to all the women who have been through it, run the gamet only to be completely crushed and forever changed through their choices.

 

As to the age difference? I tend to be fairly neutral about it. My husband is nearly seven years younger than me. However, at your age (I have considerable advance on yours!) it's quite a gap frankly, and I loathe the thought that you are affording this man the capacity to steal years of your youth that he is not entitled to for his own gratification.

 

He will not think of this while he takes advantage of your generous involvement in his games, believe me, and before you know it, as many here will testify, you will have given him far too much and reduced your expectations to near nothing, which is what you would likely end up with.

 

I really do hope you forge a healthier future for yourself sweetie,you deserve so much more.

 

Lots of luck.

 

Cuckoo

[loveisanaction]

OP,

 

You said that sometimes your married man spends time with you and the two of you don't even have sex. Contrary to popular belief, cheating married men are not evil. They are charismatic, charming, funny, sexy and kind. It's how they got you to sleep with them in the first place. Just because he spends time with you without having sex with you doesn’t mean he’s in love with you. Lots of women make that mistake.

 

Any man who enters into an inappropriate relationship with a woman is in it mainly for sex…Period!

 

Walk away from this guy. He’s not in love with you and you are not in love with him. He is wasting your time and you are contributing to the pain of his wife and children. No man is worth that…

 

Walk away.

[anyonecandoit]

this means if things aren't great at home it is HIS responsibility to address it. That does not mean sneaking off behind his wife's back looking to salve his issues.

 

Cuckoo, I really like what you say here. I believe that in any kind of affair, there must be some problem existing between the couple, however big or small, either sexual or communication. Basically, the person seeking affair outside is just not handling the problem appropriately, but he/she would think that by seeking temporary comfort outside the problem could somehow be solved. This is really very selfish.

[georgia girl]

Can an old(er) lady share some advice? You are 21! These are the times of your life. PLEASE, PLEASE do not squander these good years on a 30-something that doesn't have his ***** together. In the blink of an eye, these years are gone and you never, ever get them back. Walk away from this guy, heal your heart and explore the world and all it has to offer. Too soon, we age. Don't ever let anyone steal your youth from you!

[Bufo]

Once again,,professor Bufo's homework assignment for OW.

 

Go to OW section. Pick,any ten threads at random. Read each one. Keep score on how many turn out well for the OW and how many do not.

 

Pick any ten more random threads. Do the same.

 

 

Then explain how you and he are substantially different than the vast majority of other posters. Remember, this is a science/math assignment, not one in fiction or abnormal psychology.

 

And,more extra credit, read and apply the advice given by others. Both the BTDT set and those who are long time observers and posters here

[oodlesofun]

Darling, you're just 21, with so much ahead of you. What a life you have to mould! Do it wisely and it will be filled with everything you want to achieve and more!

 

 

He will not think of this while he takes advantage of your generous involvement in his games, believe me, and before you know it, as many here will testify, you will have given him far too much and reduced your expectations to near nothing, which is what you would likely end up with.

 

 

Cuckoo

 

Thank you so much for your insight, Cuckoo, you have been very helpful and supportive. It's what I needed!

I texted him (if I tell him in person or talk on the phone he might be able to convince otherwise) telling him that I am finding a new job to stay away from him and to never contact me ever again, for real this time. I told him to just fix things with his wife because I know he loves her, and he doesn't love me at all because you always want the best for those you do love. I have let this man control too much of my life, school-wise, time-wise, emotionally. I am making it come to an end, but I'm so scared to give in to him again. Like I said, he knows I have a soft spot for him and he knows just how to use it. I hate myself for that!

[noelle303]

I was also 20 when I met my exMM who was 30 and married with kids.

 

And just like you describe, we also had a fun and exciting relationship that wasn't just a "booty call", we laughed together, had great conversation and even better chemistry. We were both completely dazzled by each other, like having a shiny new toy.

 

During that time he also told me he loved me. And I think he honestly believed that at the time. But it wasn't true, he was just unable to see clearly in this bubble we had created and separate love from infatuation.

 

Truth was, he was a man whose relationship with his wife had hit a low point and instead of facing that, he distracted himself with me.

 

Trust me, once they are faced with the possibility of a divorce and losing their spouse, you realize where you stand on their list of priorities. You say that you love him and are willing to sacrifice having him because it is better for him to stay with his wife. Do you really think he feels the same way? Do you think he would sacrifice anything to do what's right for you?

 

Step away, let him try and work things out in his marriage. There is clearly a problem there which he needs to face instead of burying his head in this relationship with you.

 

And you focus on yourself and where you want to be in life. Make youself your priority and don't sacrifice anything you need for someone else.

Edited April 10, 2016 by noelle303

[sandylee1]

I have a niece your age and I would be terribly disappointed if she was in this situation. I expect her to be focused on her future career, having fun with her friends and in seeking a relationship... that she'd look for a single available man to enjoy herself with.

 

You want a guy you can walk down the street with, go on vacation with and be able to introduce to family and friends.

 

There's really nothing attractive about not being able to address his marital issues and instead deciding to cheat on his wife. It's not a mature way to handle things.

 

Have you considered looking for a new job to get away from him?

 

You don't want your reputation damaged by being the girl sleeping with a MM. The nasty things people say will be very hurtful and damaging to your mental health.

[anyonecandoit]

I have a niece your age and I would be terribly disappointed if she was in this situation. I expect her to be focused on her future career, having fun with her friends and in seeking a relationship... that she'd look for a single available man to enjoy herself with.

 

You want a guy you can walk down the street with, go on vacation with and be able to introduce to family and friends.

 

There's really nothing attractive about not being able to address his marital issues and instead deciding to cheat on his wife. It's not a mature way to handle things.

 

Have you considered looking for a new job to get away from him?

 

You don't want your reputation damaged by being the girl sleeping with a MM. The nasty things people say will be very hurtful and damaging to your mental health.

 

Sandy, what you say here is so true. When I think back on my decision that I don't even want to give him any opportunity for any kind of communication, I actually think I'm so right. I'm single. When I think of a relationship I want to have with my boyfriend, I hope I can hold his hands publicly on the street. We can book tickets to Hawaii and sleep on the sands without worry. I want to proudly introduce him to all of my friends. Besides, I don't want the reputation of being the other woman to be with me forever in my lifetime.

[sandylee1]

Sandy, what you say here is so true. When I think back on my decision that I don't even want to give him any opportunity for any kind of communication, I actually think I'm so right. I'm single. When I think of a relationship I want to have with my boyfriend, I hope I can hold his hands publicly on the street. We can book tickets to Hawaii and sleep on the sands without worry. I want to proudly introduce him to all of my friends. Besides, I don't want the reputation of being the other woman to be with me forever in my lifetime.

 

Exactly. You know the right thing to do.

 

You don't need the headache or heartache of this man at all. I know you feel very grown up at 21 ..... I certainly did.. but this guy has 14 years life experience on you and has it in his ability to manipulate you, without you even realising it.

 

I don't think you're too deep into it that you can't get out and put the whole thing behind you. Sometimes we get caught in the heat of the moment and act in a manner that would normally be against our better judgement, but recognising that before it gets too late puts a stop to it.

 

Remember that you're worth more than this.

[oodlesofun]

Thank you everyone for your amazingly supportive feedback. It has given me so much strength to leave this man.

 

I worked with him today and he tried to get me back as I predicted, but this time I think he finally understood. I called him a manipulator, which got to him, and he told me he won't try to get me back like other times just to prove that he isn't, and to prove that he does care for my "well-being" like I mentioned earlier. Who knows. This man is so hard to understand.

 

I guess all that's left is to stay strong.

[angel.eyes]

All that's left is to find a new job! Rest assured, that he'll continue to try to hoover you back in to an arrangement that benefits him.

[sandylee1]

 

 

I called him a manipulator, which got to him, and he told me he won't try to get me back like other times just to prove that he isn't, and to prove that he does care for my "well-being" like I mentioned earlier.

 

I guess all that's left is to stay strong.

 

That's just further manipulation on his part my dear. He'll try and play nice and friendly so you start second guessing yourself.

 

I wish I had the wisdom I have now when I was your age honestly. Dealing with some useless players and I didn't realise it at the time.

 

Stupid lines from guys like " it's really hurting me not to have sex with you" As in physical pain... apparently his d**k hurt. Yeah right!

 

Stick with it and be strong and smart.