Great first date, no second date planned - do I move on if he doesn't initiate?

[Lovezen_30]

So, I "met" a guy on pof & after 3 days of talking he asked me out. We had a great first date. We connected intellectually, made each other laugh, there was kissing, cuddling, even hand holding. Before I left, he asked if I'd like to go out again. Then, he immediately contacted me when I arrived home saying he had had a great time & hoped I did too. He then said he knew I had a busy day ahead at work and hoped everything would go well.

 

The next day he actually contacted me to find out how things went. We have talked each since the first date which was 3 evenings ago. It's my turn to reply to him but I now don't even want to respond to any more banal messages without plans for a second date. Fair enough?

 

Should I just stop reciprocating until he asks me out again? I'm out there to date seriously, not mess around on technology.

[TaraMaiden2]

Here's a novel, 21st Century, modern idea:

 

Why don't you contact HIM and suggest a date?

 

Radical, huh?

 

(Seriously, why should it be up to him to always lead?)

[Lovezen_30]

Here's a novel, 21st Century, modern idea:

 

Why don't you contact HIM and suggest a date?

 

Radical, huh?

 

(Seriously, why should it be up to him to always lead?)

 

Because I know I said he asked me out first, BUT he did so after I made it clear I would be open to going out sometime (because he was sending me too many banal messages without a date).

 

Now, it's back to the daft messages. Is the ball not sort of in his court?

[d0nnivain]

It takes 2 people to make a relationship. Other then being annoyed because he hasn't taken the initiative to schedule a second date, what you are YOU doing to advance things?

[Lovezen_30]

It takes 2 people to make a relationship. Other then being annoyed because he hasn't taken the initiative to schedule a second date, what you are YOU doing to advance things?

 

I guess you guys could be right. I've been out of the dating loop for almost 2 years! I will ask him if he is free & hopefully get a better gage on things!

 

But I am unsure about him and his intentions. He was SO good looking & fit & flirty...and I am now wondering how many other girls he might be dating. Although he joked he is a busy guy (phd & working) and does not have time to date around.

 

Meanwhile, I have another date with a friend next week.

 

Why would a guy be happy to keep chatting without moving things forward...does he potentially just want companionship?

[TaraMaiden2]

Because I know I said he asked me out first, BUT he did so after I made it clear I would be open to going out sometime (because he was sending me too many banal messages without a date).

 

Now, it's back to the daft messages. Is the ball not sort of in his court?

 

Well I dunno. Are you into dating - or playing games?

Really, what's the worst that could happen?

[Methodical]

Because I know I said he asked me out first, BUT he did so after I made it clear I would be open to going out sometime (because he was sending me too many banal messages without a date).

 

Now, it's back to the daft messages. Is the ball not sort of in his court?

 

Sounds like his MO is to slowly feel out the situation. You opened the door for a first date. He has followed up and you have talked each 'day?' since the date, right? I think he is interested but wants a more concrete indication from you. By not responding, he'll think you aren't interested. Like the others, I think you should suggest a date.

[Lovezen_30]

Sounds like his MO is to slowly feel out the situation. You opened the door for a first date. He has followed up and you have talked each 'day?' since the date, right? I think he is interested but wants a more concrete indication from you. By not responding, he'll think you aren't interested. Like the others, I think you should suggest a date.

 

When I spoke to my good friend she said she would have thought he would initiate the second date if he was interested.

 

I did say yes, I would like to go out again. Is that not concrete?

[TaraMaiden2]

You're over-analysing. It's dating, not chess.

[Methodical]

I did say yes, I would like to go out again. Is that not concrete?

 

Before I left, he asked if I'd like to go out again. Then, he immediately contacted me when I arrived home saying he had had a great time & hoped I did too. He then said he knew I had a busy day ahead at work and hoped everything would go well.

 

The next day he actually contacted me to find out how things went. We have talked each since the first date which was 3 evenings ago. It's my turn to reply to him but I now don't even want to respond to any more banal messages without plans for a second date. Fair enough?

 

Gotcha. In re-reading, I see where he asked about a future date, affirmed that he had a great time, but I didn't see where you told him you'd like to go out again. At some point, you must have told him you were a busy person bc he wished you a well day and then followed up to see how it went. Why not suggest meeting for dinner after work one evening?

[katiegrl]

When I spoke to my good friend she said she would have thought he would initiate the second date if he was interested.

 

---

 

*I did say yes, I would like to go out again.

 

@Methodical. ^^

 

Seems pretty straightforward to me that yes she told him she would like to go out with him again.

 

Lovezen I have a different take than the others.

 

You already suggested the first date. He then asked you out and you had a good time.

 

He then asked if you were interested in going out again, and you said yes!

 

Green light = Go.

 

Wait for him to ask you out.

 

I am all for taking the initiative, but this early on, especially since you have already told him you would love to go out again, ball is in his court to actually step up and ask you out.

 

Chasing guys rarely works out for the woman. The guy may go along for the ride, but you won't know if his heart is in it or just bored (or hoping for some easy sex).

 

Let HIM demonstrate his interest. You have. His turn.

Edited April 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lovezen_30]

@Methodical. ^^

 

Seems pretty straightforward to me that yes she told him she would like to go out with him again.

 

Lovezen I have a different take than the others.

 

You already suggested the first date. He then asked you out and you had a good time.

 

He then asked if you were interested in going out again, and you said yes!

 

Green light = Go.

 

Wait for him to ask you out.

 

I am all for taking the initiative, but this early on, especially since you have already told him you would love to go out again, ball is in his court to actually step up and ask you out.

Chasing guys rarely works out for the woman. The guy may go along for the ride, but you won't know if his heart is in it or just bored (or hoping for some easy sex).

 

Let HIM demonstrate his interest. You have. His turn.

 

Ah, a good 'ole spanner in the works!

 

I have to say I am concerned about this. Especially as he's such a busy guy and I can't fathom how he would fit full on dating in. Furthermore, he said he found me interesting but was also very flirty. It did make me wonder about future intentions.

 

My concern is ending up with someone that goes along for the ride. It's not what I want, for sure.

[Lovezen_30]

Sounds like his MO is to slowly feel out the situation. You opened the door for a first date. He has followed up and you have talked each 'day?' since the date, right? I think he is interested but wants a more concrete indication from you. By not responding, he'll think you aren't interested. Like the others, I think you should suggest a date.

 

But what sort of a way is it to court someone, so to speak? Sending me messages filling me in on all his plans that don't include me over the weekend, with no mention of meeting again? It's off to me. Something about it...feels off. Maybe I'm wrong though.

Edited April 10, 2016 by Lovezen_30

[LydiaLong]

I understand what you mean about banal messages. I'd give him a week to initiate a date. I wouldn't stop trying to connect with others on POF, though.

[Lovezen_30]

I understand what you mean about banal messages. I'd give him a week to initiate a date. I wouldn't stop trying to connect with others on POF, though.

 

I have another date with a male friend on Tuesday

 

I feel inaction will weed out whether he is really interested or not. I know the others are saying this may just cause him to lose interest and while I agree it is a risk, his communication style/passivity right now is bugging me. I told him I prefer face to face time over messaging when we met.

 

It's very early days and while I do like a lot about him, it's one date and I'm just easing back into the dating game. I was so nervous when I went to meet him!

Edited April 10, 2016 by Lovezen_30

[katiegrl]

But what sort of a way is it to court someone, so to speak? Sending me messages filling me in on all his plans that don't include me over the weekend, with no mention of meeting again? It's off to me. Something about it...feels off. Maybe I'm wrong though.

 

Something feels off, don't ignore it.

 

Follow your gut.

 

Something feels off to me too.

 

I mean he asks if you would like to go out again. You said yes.

 

But instead of asking you out, he sends texts letting you know of all his other plans that do not include you?

 

Stop responding. Start chatting with and meeting other guys.

 

You may have to toss this back sorry

 

Best of luck!

[Methodical]

But what sort of a way is it to court someone, so to speak? Sending me messages filling me in on all his plans that don't include me over the weekend, with no mention of meeting again? It's off to me. Something about it...feels off. Maybe I'm wrong though.

 

You are filling in some gaps as you go. In the initial post, I saw that he had made a comment about wanting a future date. I didn't see a response to his question so I asked and in a latter post you answered that you did, indeed, give him positive feedback.

 

This is the first post where you explain that his messages detail his weekend plans, which don't include you. These little tidbits color the picture a bit differently. Many women ask guys out first or as a follow-up. I was under the impression that bc you haven't been on the dating scene in a while, you weren't comfy with that.

 

I'm a "go with your gut" person. If it feels off, move on .

[Jejangles]

I think your gut instinct that this guy is lukewarm and busy with other things is right. In my experience, truly interested guys act interested - and that includes setting up the next date pretty soon after the the last. You don't need to cut him off but I would lessen the text chat and see how he reacts. He's probably pacing things to his liking, which may not match yours.

 

In the meantime, definitely chat to and go out with other guys!

[salparadise]

It's been 3 days since you went out, right? And you've got you panties in a bunch because he hasn't asked for the next date? And you're not responding, assuming ulterior motives and gettin' the LS ladies all riled up because he's not meeting expectations... good strategy. Dump him!

[Lovezen_30]

I think your gut instinct that this guy is lukewarm and busy with other things is right. In my experience, truly interested guys act interested - and that includes setting up the next date pretty soon after the the last. You don't need to cut him off but I would lessen the text chat and see how he reacts. He's probably pacing things to his liking, which may not match yours.

 

In the meantime, definitely chat to and go out with other guys!

 

Instinctually, it's what I'm thinking/feeling. I'm thinking back to 2 exes and how they behaved at the beginning - definitely more keen to set up dates sooner, rather than later. Then it evened out with us both initiating.

 

I can't help wondering if I am just going to be a soft landing place for his busy lifestyle. Not what I want!

 

If he is genuinely interested I think he'll get in touch again. If not? Well I won't hear from him & will have my answer!

[Lovezen_30]

It's been 3 days since you went out, right? And you've got you panties in a bunch because he hasn't asked for the next date? And you're not responding, assuming ulterior motives and gettin' the LS ladies all riled up because he's not meeting expectations... good strategy. Dump him!

 

Is that unrealistic? Remember, I am just easing back into the dating pool...I barely remember how it works! 3 days seems like a reasonable amount of time, no? Especially when it is Sunday & you are planning for a new week. I already have plans 5 out of 7 days this week.

[Jejangles]

Is that unrealistic? Remember, I am just easing back into the dating pool...I barely remember how it works! 3 days seems like a reasonable amount of time, no? Especially when it is Sunday & you are planning for a new week. I already have plans 5 out of 7 days this week.

 

It's not unrealistic. I have done a lot of dating, and every single time I had to question a guy's interest, he was lukewarm. The guys I dated who were clearly interested and who wanted a relationship were straightforward - they would ask for the next date within about 24 hours of the prior date, they stayed in regular contact, and about a month in they asked for exclusivity.

 

It's cliche, but accurate - the rule is interested guys act interested! And that includes locking you down for the next date asap. You may have met an exception, but don't count on it... You have the right attitude in my opinion. Be open minded to this guy but don't put all your hopes towards him.

[Dis]

Is that unrealistic? Remember, I am just easing back into the dating pool...I barely remember how it works! 3 days seems like a reasonable amount of time, no? Especially when it is Sunday & you are planning for a new week. I already have plans 5 out of 7 days this week.

 

I completly understand where youre coming from hun. Being fresh on the dating scene is hard, esp OLD. After about 5 months of online dating I have a better feel on guys/dating now. I can tell you (as others have) if it feels off/wrong...trust that feeling. If he really wanted to see you, he would be txting you to set up a date very shortly after the last one. He wouldnt be luke warm. If a guy likes you...you WILL know it! I'm dating an great guy at the moment...we've only been on 2 dates so its very early on. I met him on pof. He asked me out on a date about two days after we started talking. After the first date he txted me when I got home and asked me out again. After the second date, he texted me when I got home and asked me out again. Guys that are passive do not jive well with me. I dont waste my time on these types because they tend to either lack masculinity (too scared to take the bull by the horns) or, they just arent interested.

They are soooo many other guys out there for you to go on dates with. Dont stop looking around on pof (dont obsess over pof either...speaking from experience). Honestly I'd completly discard this guy and move on 100%. That way you wont be holding out hope for him and you'll be focused on finding a guy that have no problem setting up a date with you. Best of luck to you hun!

[salparadise]

Is that unrealistic? Remember, I am just easing back into the dating pool...I barely remember how it works! 3 days seems like a reasonable amount of time, no? Especially when it is Sunday & you are planning for a new week. I already have plans 5 out of 7 days this week.

 

Yea, sort of. I think that you are quite narrow with your expectation, and relying on assumptions that have no basis... this always means that, etc.

 

If you hadn't heard from him at all it would be different. My thought is that you should continue to hold up your end of the conversation. Otherwise he may think you aren't interested (which would be based on more evidence than your 72 hour assumptions). If he hasn't initiated after several more days ask him if he'd like to meet for a drink or dinner or whatever. His response will probably tell you what you want to know.

 

I am perplexed at the advice all of these women are giving you. You can read many threads on here where they advise taking it slow at first. Then they turn right around and try to convince you that if he hasn't asked for a second date within 72 hours, like a dog in heat, that he's a time-wasting scoundrel. Pffft. Maybe he's laid back and confident enough to not be falling all over himself, or perhaps he's interested but with less urgency than you.

 

Holding people to random assumptions is going to drive you nuts. There is no supposed to regardless of what the LS womenz are saying.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I disagree with most other posts.

 

One of the biggest signs of interest is a guy trying to secure the next date. Low level chit chatting suggests that he is lukewarm and keeping his options open. I have recently had a number of guys do this. It never led to anything else than a slow fade.

 

Even the shyest of guys do the heavy bulk of initiation when they really like a girl, especially if she has already expressed interest and is reciprocating with messages.

 

Mixed messages always meant low interest. Guys tend to be really obvious. I would move on.