Great first date, no second date planned - do I move on if he doesn't initiate?

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Well, I have decided to speak to him tomorrow and tell him it's clear that we want different things, but I had a great time with him. It's been 3 weeks now and truly, I don't regret a moment of it.

 

He did not ask me for a third date even when I told him what days I was free. Instead? He tells me has just booked a trip with friends with no mention of meeting again. So I told him to enjoy the trip and let me know when he wanted to meet again (because I have no interest in just having a daily text/phone buddy). Immediately he said he was going to be really busy planning the trip this week, then gave me the option of meeting on two different days next week.

 

The point is: I do not want to go out with a guy I have to ask out and each time, and who I really feel isn't interested in me when we are apart. It is a shame too, because we had a connection. It is with a heavy heart I'll have to do it :(I feel quite upset actually. But I can't make him match my interest level.

Well thanks for your explanation but I was asking Smackie9

[Lovezen_30]

Well, you gave it a good try. No regrets. I applaud your openness and flexibility. Continue being that way and avoid the gender stereotypes. The "men are supposed to do this or that" morsels are no more relevant than the ones about women. Being more open expands the likelihood of finding a good match. Sorry this one wasn't it.

 

Thank you sala. I am dreading breaking it off because I like him. Just yesterday when talking on the phone he brought up "the house that you said you loved" - during a date, I pointed out an amazing place, I must have only mentioned it for a minute or two, but he remembered. Something I have learned though, that it is not healthy to cling to the good things that make you happy when the bad things trump all in the end.

 

I am going to tell him that I really appreciate a guy that makes plans with me and wants to see me more than once a fortnight. There is a chance that he will step it up once I have said that...but I guess he is showing me who he is.

[despgirl]

Well, I have decided to speak to him tomorrow and tell him it's clear that we want different things, but I had a great time with him. It's been 3 weeks now and truly, I don't regret a moment of it.

 

He did not ask me for a third date even when I told him what days I was free. Instead? He tells me has just booked a trip with friends with no mention of meeting again. So I told him to enjoy the trip and let me know when he wanted to meet again (because I have no interest in just having a daily text/phone buddy). Immediately he said he was going to be really busy planning the trip this week, then gave me the option of meeting on two different days next week.

 

The point is: I do not want to go out with a guy I have to ask out and each time, and who I really feel isn't interested in me when we are apart. It is a shame too, because we had a connection. It is with a heavy heart I'll have to do it :(I feel quite upset actually. But I can't make him match my interest level.

 

Hi OP,

 

I think you are right in ending things with him. If he had asked you to meet this week still, that would make a weekly date which is fine in the beginning IMO. But if you only met next week, it would have been 2 weeks since you last saw each other and that really sounds like he is keeping you at distance. His interest level is clearly not as high as you would like it to be. I think he is seeing someone else, btw. So unless you are ok with casual, ending things is best.

 

Good luck and I hope you will be luckier next time!

[Handsome Librarian]

You can easily ask him out or hint at it. Initiate some flirty talk over boring basal stuff if you want. Not everyone's the same, you can't be too eager as a guy. I find girls keep me hanging on too long. No cuddling on my last first date, I tell you that. I'm sure most guys would love to speed things up and he's expressed interest for these 3 days.

 

Sorry I hadn't read the whole 3 weeks. Hmm. Yeah I'm there too except she cancelled twice in 4 weeks and ghosted since Friday.

Edited April 25, 2016 by Handsome Librarian

[katiegrl]

You can easily ask him out or hint at it. Initiate some flirty talk over boring basal stuff if you want. Not everyone's the same, you can't be too eager as a guy. I find girls keep me hanging on too long. No cuddling on my last first date, I tell you that. I'm sure most guys would love to speed things up and he's expressed interest for these 3 days.

 

Sorry I hadn't read the whole 3 weeks. Hmm. Yeah I'm there too except she cancelled twice in 4 weeks and ghosted since Friday.

 

She already initiated the first two dates.

 

Are you suggesting she initiate the third as well?

 

When should HE start stepping up and behaving like a man who is interested in not only her, but an actual relationship?

 

OP, I don't blame you.

 

This is all getting to be a bit ridiculous.

 

I'm sorry.

[salparadise]

Thank you sala. I am dreading breaking it off because I like him. Just yesterday when talking on the phone he brought up "the house that you said you loved" - during a date, I pointed out an amazing place, I must have only mentioned it for a minute or two, but he remembered. Something I have learned though, that it is not healthy to cling to the good things that make you happy when the bad things trump all in the end.

 

I am going to tell him that I really appreciate a guy that makes plans with me and wants to see me more than once a fortnight. There is a chance that he will step it up once I have said that...but I guess he is showing me who he is.

 

Yes, you need a positive balance with the good significantly outweighing the bad, and no deal breakers. Sometimes we don't understand our deal breakers until we actually experience them. I think saying exactly what's bothering you is a great plan under the circumstances. Choose your words carefully and make it about what you need or prefer ("I" statements).

 

When you perceive a behavior or characteristic as "bad," don't invest in that perspective until you've given it some assessment. Sometimes differing perspectives can be synchronized intentionally (and sometimes not).

 

I do agree that you can't build much or a relationship seeing someone once a fortnight. But who knows, he might be able and willing to give you what you need if you communicate effectively.

[Lovezen_30]

Yes, you need a positive balance with the good significantly outweighing the bad, and no deal breakers. Sometimes we don't understand our deal breakers until we actually experience them. I think saying exactly what's bothering you is a great plan under the circumstances. Choose your words carefully and make it about what you need or prefer ("I" statements).

 

When you perceive a behavior or characteristic as "bad," don't invest in that perspective until you've given it some assessment. Sometimes differing perspectives can be synchronized intentionally (and sometimes not).

 

I do agree that you can't build much or a relationship seeing someone once a fortnight. But who knows, he might be able and willing to give you what you need if you communicate effectively.

 

His reply was that he also wants to see me weekly and the only reason it is not going to be that way this week is because he is travelling/on holiday. "Don't you think we can make more plans when I am back?"

 

Then he said he hoped I would not see other guys while he is gone because he is not seeing other women!! Honestly, I have a date with a guy tomorrow and am not cancelling that date. The guy asked me out a week in advance and I am looking forward to it. So I don't know what to tell him...

[salparadise]

His reply was that he also wants to see me weekly and the only reason it is not going to be that way this week is because he is travelling/on holiday. "Don't you think we can make more plans when I am back?"

 

Then he said he hoped I would not see other guys while he is gone because he is not seeing other women!! Honestly, I have a date with a guy tomorrow and am not cancelling that date. The guy asked me out a week in advance and I am looking forward to it. So I don't know what to tell him...

 

Given that you're having doubts and have not agreed to exclusivity, you don't need to say anything in my opinion. I don't think you should lie about it of course, but you aren't obliged to disclose it voluntarily. The only caveat is that it may sully the atmosphere if he does figure it out and you decide to keep seeing him. If I were him and I knew you were dating others I'd probably quit, or if I didn't quit I would divest of positive regard and enthusiasm... this happened to me once. Not everyone is the same of course.

 

You'll probably hear the other gender now about how setting up competition makes men want it more.

[Lovezen_30]

Given that you're having doubts and have not agreed to exclusivity, you don't need to say anything in my opinion. I don't think you should lie about it of course, but you aren't obliged to disclose it voluntarily. The only caveat is that it may sully the atmosphere if he does figure it out and you decide to keep seeing him. If I were him and I knew you were dating others I'd probably quit, or if I didn't quit I would divest of positive regard and enthusiasm... this happened to me once. Not everyone is the same of course.

 

You'll probably hear the other gender now about how setting up competition makes men want it more.

 

Right after this post, I did agree to exclusivity. He got upset when he learned that I was dating others and told me he had no intention of dating other women. He said he did not feel it was right to date more than one person at a time.

 

Since then, we have dated semi-frequently and infrequently enough to not meet my needs. He works 12 hrs a day, is completing a Masters and does not make time when he does have it, in my opinion. But he contacts me daily and suppots me about various things. He remembers details about my life.

 

When I became quieter on the phone because of lack of progress, he texted and called me more (clingy mode). At this point, I told him I am going to date others because I want to go on weekly dates. I said I would still also like to see him. After several hours of silence he said this would be 'perfect'. Why is he suddenly agreeing to this despite his initial protest? Well, anyway. I enjoy his company & the physical side is off the charts fantastic If I meet some one else and feel I want to explore that/become intimate with them, I will have to break it off.