One step forward, two steps back :(

[Mirandaaa]

The other morning before school I told him that I wish he was dead. I have told him that like a million times in my life so I don't know why this time he decided to take me seriously. So he dropped me off at school, and usually he wants me to kiss him goodbye on the cheek but he didn't this time. He didn't say anything, he just drove off.

 

My parents are good parents, but I can't really explain it, I just like being mean to my dad. He does everything for me, helps me with my homework, takes me places. My adoptive mom was told when she was a teenager that she could never have kids. On the day I was born, 8 days before my dad turned 20, he and my mom adopted me with the help of my grandparents and their friends. I guess it was because they are both geniuses and way more mature than most people. They now both have PhDs in chemistry.

 

I didn't know I was adopted til 2 years ago. I'm 14 now. While my mom kind of has dark coloring like me, my dad is tall and skinny with really blond hair and blue eyes. I never really felt like he was my real dad because of my coloring, and I think that's why I like being mean to him.

My mom keeps telling me to hug my dad. She puts guilt trips on me and says that if something ever happened to my him I would never forgive myself. But the guilt trips just make me not want to apologize at all. My parents like hugs and I do hug my mom without her asking for one. It's just easier for me, I don't know why. I would always hug and kiss my dad when I was little, but usually he always had to ask for it. Now I don't ever hug him unless he hugs me first.

 

I can't just apologize halfheartedly like I don't mean it because my dad is really smart, like laser sharp and he picks up on the slightest thing. Now it has been two days and my dad is acting depressed and weird and really he won't say anything to me.

 

But the worst part is that today I heard him talking to one of his friends on the phone, and it seemed like they were joking, but then I heard my dad say something like, "Oh, yeah? You guys gotta show me this bridge. I wanna jump off it!" He was kind of laughing when he said it but he knows I heard him say it. I can't stand them acting this way. What should I do?

[jen1447]

Tell an adult what's going on.

[Emilia]

If you keep acting out and say mean things, you will alienate people who care about you. Who knows what awful things would have happened to you if you hadn't been adopted by loving people.

[Almond_Joy]

Ask your mom if you can get some counseling on why you have this strong instinctual aversion to your adoptive father. It's not normal, it's not good, and it's apparently emotionally destructive to your adoptive father who obviously cares about you and how you view him.

 

As someone who didn't have the luxury of a father who cared about me growing up, it is a bit enraging to read of you purposefully acting this way to two people who have chosen every day for 14 YEARS to raise you in safety, comfort, and what sounds like a good bit of love and respect. That is not a small or easy task, even if you were loving to them the whole time. I was angry or hurt by my mother at times in my early teens but I never acted this way towards her.

 

If you are hurting or angry, tell them you need someone to talk to besides them. But from what you shared here, the issue is with you and how you view and interact with your family more than anything.

[Mirandaaa]

Okay so he still isn't speaking to me. It's Good Friday and Sundaay is Easter and my dad isn't speaking to me. I thought everything was going to be ok this morning when I woke up I heard my parents in the kitchen being playful with each other and laughing so I thought, okay my dad is not depressed anymore. So then I came downstairs and I kissed my mom, then I looked at my dad and he was smiling at me. For a split second I was going to go over and hug him spontaneously for like the first time ever, but I chickened out. So then my dad asked me if I was gonna come to the Riverside air show on April 2. When my dad was 25 he attended Officers Training and then he applied to the Air Force Academy. Now he flies an A10 warthog thunderbolt in these air shows.

 

Last year in this show my dad flew his A10 really close to the ground and rolled over as part of a stunt. The people cheered and I started crying and told my mom I was never going again and I made her promise not to tell him I cried. So I said, "No I don't wanna go." So he said, "Come on, it will be fun. Maybe this time you get to see your dad crash and burn!" And he was grinning and snickering like it didn't matter but I know he was really trying to make me cry or beg him to stop flying. I told him he was stupid and gross and I didn't like gory things.

 

So since he didn't get the reaction from me he wanted, he took it a step further and said that if he went down in the A10, there wouldnt be any blood and gore for anyone to get grossed out at. There just wouldnt be any anything left. And the way he was smiling when he said that really freaked me out.

I thought it was pretty cruel of him to say something like that to me, so I told him to drop dead and he just stared at me like he couldn't believe I said that. Then my mom started freaking out on me.

 

I know I shouldn't react and say things like that but in the past year he has started saying things to provoke me or scare me by being morbid. So I think that's why I'm so mean to him a lot because if he would shrug it off instead of saying things to freak me out maybe I wouldn't do it so much. This is just a little taste of how I get provoked. I know its hard to see the big picture if you aren't there to witness it. But basically, I just don't like being made to feel guilty when there are other ways to deal.

[Emilia]

Why don't you tell your mum how you stress about your dad abandoning you? It's completely normal for adopted kids to feel this way.

[Almond_Joy]

Here's how I'm understanding this interaction.

 

Okay so he still isn't speaking to me. It's Good Friday and Sundaay is Easter and my dad isn't speaking to me. I thought everything was going to be ok this morning when I woke up I heard my parents in the kitchen being playful with each other and laughing so I thought, okay my dad is not depressed anymore. So then I came downstairs and I kissed my mom, then I looked at my dad and he was smiling at me.

 

He's in a good mood, as he was laughing with your mom, the sight of you does not immediately bum him out so he'll keep a smile on his face. There's nothing for you to feel guilty about and he's not trying to make you feel guilty at this point.

 

Last year in this show my dad flew his A10 really close to the ground and rolled over as part of a stunt. The people cheered and I started crying and told my mom I was never going again and I made her promise not to tell him I cried. So I said, "No I don't wanna go." So he said, "Come on, it will be fun. Maybe this time you get to see your dad crash and burn!" And he was grinning and snickering like it didn't matter but I know he was really trying to make me cry or beg him to stop flying. I told him he was stupid and gross and I didn't like gory things. So since he didn't get the reaction from me he wanted, he took it a step further and said that if he went down in the A10, there wouldnt be any blood and gore for anyone to get grossed out at. There just wouldnt be any anything left. And the way he was smiling when he said that really freaked me out.

 

Everyone's humor is different but a lot of the guys I've engaged with have a dark sense of humor. Sounds to me like he's trying to make light of you telling him you wish he were dead all the time. With the grinning and snickering, I don't think it was meant to make you feel bad, and leads me to suspect that he actually thinks you're joking or not serious when you tell him to drop dead all the time. If you had a dark sense of humor you probably could have thought of a witty comeback and laughed or smiled. That would give him confirmation that you're not serious when you tell him to drop dead or whatever all the time. It doesn't sound like you do though, and what you find funny can't be changed.

 

 

I thought it was pretty cruel of him to say something like that to me, so I told him to drop dead and he just stared at me like he couldn't believe I said that.

 

This makes it glaringly obvious that dark humor is not your cup of tea, you don't find it funny at all, which is pretty normal. Your dad doesn't know this though and thinks you know he's joking. Furthermore, because you know it's messed up to talk to him this way, you instantly feel guilty about all the times before that you've told him to die and decide you're gonna hurt him for the guilt you now feel, which again I don't think he was trying to make you feel.

 

You tell him drop dead in all seriousness, he thinks you mean it for real now. He's shocked and probably hurt, hence the silence. He doesn't understand why his joke would make you say that to him, probably because he doesn't realize you feel bad about the way you talk to him. Why would he, you've never apologized or shown remorse for speaking to him this way.

 

I know I shouldn't react and say things like that but in the past year he has started saying things to provoke me or scare me by being morbid. So I think that's why I'm so mean to him a lot because if he would shrug it off instead of saying things to freak me out maybe I wouldn't do it so much. This is just a little taste of how I get provoked. I know its hard to see the big picture if you aren't there to witness it. But basically, I just don't like being made to feel guilty when there are other ways to deal.

 

Look, you're a teen - teens are NOTORIOUSLY hard to communicate with and in a lot of cases emotionally erratic/volatile. It is entirely plausible to your parents that you may truly hate them as people, like you feel and believe that to the core of your being. A lot of teens act like that's how they feel about their parents.

 

You need to be willing to extend them an olive branch and tell them what bothers you because it's highly likely that they don't know how to engage with you right now. They love you, but are also aware that your tastes are changing, what you're into may change, how you want to be spoken to and what you want to share with people is changing. They're in unknown territory, because you're not the unguarded child they've been raising for most of the years they've had with you. They have to get to know a lot of you all over again.

 

Throw into the mix you learning you're adopted smack in the middle of pre-teens, this already delicate transition process goes south. That's kind of a big deal to learn, a lot of mixed emotions that could arise as a result of that kind of news. I think they should have told you this a little earlier before pre-teens set in, or a few years later into your teens after they've had some time to feel out how to interact with you as a teen.

 

In any case, this doesn't make it OK to lash out at them. If you don't like your dad poking fun at your "I wish you'd die" comments (and again, I really think he's doing this most of the time to cope with how hurt he is over these comments and get some sign from you that you don't really wish this for him. A lot of people deal with hurt feelings by making fun of the source of the pain) then tell him you don't like it and stop saying that. IF you stop telling him to die he has nothing to poke fun at you about. And because he loves you, if you tell him in all seriousness that you don't like him to joke that way he will probably stop.

 

I still think you should talk to friends, find an online community, or ask to talk to a counselor about your relationship with your parents. Learning your adopted may be fueling a detachment response here, which is making this harder for you.

Edited March 25, 2016 by Almond_Joy

[bathtub-row]

You say that you tell your dad to drop dead on a regular basis but you think he's mean for talking to you about dying? I would think you'd be thrilled to go watch him die, no?

 

Seriously, if you were my child, I'd string you up for talking to any adult in such a manner. I hope you learn very soon about the power of words and how they will backfire on you in many, many ways. Words aren't merely aimless things that pop into your head and automatically spill out of your mouth. I'd suggest that you learn some manners and respect. These people have apparently given you a very good life and have obviously tolerated far more from you than anyone should. You sound very spoiled and entitled, if you ask me.

 

If you don't like the things your dad says, first earn some respect by stop acting the way you've been acting. And then in a very polite manner, you should talk to both of your parents about the things they do that bother you.

[amaysngrace]

You should stop being so mean to him if the thought of him killing himself bothers you so much but I think he's probably just messing with you and isn't really going to hurt himself.

 

He's probably not going to talk to you because he is waiting for you to say something to him....like "I'm sorry" or ""I love you"

[Almond_Joy]

Meant to address this also.

 

I didn't know I was adopted til 2 years ago. I'm 14 now. While my mom kind of has dark coloring like me, my dad is tall and skinny with really blond hair and blue eyes.

 

 

I'm black and my parents are black, but I attended an all-white school, most of my friends growing up were white, most of my experiences with other black people were bad - the girls made fun of me and the guys just tried to have s e x with me. When I got older I realized those bad experiences tainted my perception on people of color. I had to unlearn those assumptions so that I didn't continue to instinctively respond negatively to other people of color.

 

If you feel an aversion based on skin color you may have picked up some negative stigmas about fair skinned men somewhere. Not saying it's your parents - TV, a racial incident you observed, things your friends have said. It may be worth exploring what's driving this tendency also.

[Mirandaaa]

Meant to address this also.

 

 

 

 

I'm black and my parents are black, but I attended an all-white school, most of my friends growing up were white, most of my experiences with other black people were bad - the girls made fun of me and the guys just tried to have s e x with me. When I got older I realized those bad experiences tainted my perception on people of color. I had to unlearn those assumptions so that I didn't continue to instinctively respond negatively to other people of color.

 

If you feel an aversion based on skin color you may have picked up some negative stigmas about fair skinned men somewhere. Not saying it's your parents - TV, a racial incident you observed, things your friends have said. It may be worth exploring what's driving this tendency also.

 

I'm not black tho. I'm white and I do have blue eyes, like my adoptive father. B-u-u-t I have really dark hair and so does my adoptive mom, except she has brown eyes. People say that I look like my mom sometimes, and I really like that because my mom is beautiful. Nobody has ever ever said I look like my dad, even though most of my friends are crushing on him all the time. Well I guess that's because I dont look him. Sometimes I wish I did look like him. But I don't have any negative stigmas about skin color. I have black friends and white ones and all colors in between. It's not something concrete that I can put my finger on tho.

[Mirandaaa]

You say that you tell your dad to drop dead on a regular basis but you think he's mean for talking to you about dying? I would think you'd be thrilled to go watch him die, no?

 

No I would not be THRILLED to watched him die that's why I wont go to the show unless they make me. I already said that I cried last year when I got scared when he was flying. My dad would love if he knew that I cried, thats why he won't ever find out.

[Almond_Joy]

I'm not black tho. I'm white and I do have blue eyes, like my adoptive father. B-u-u-t I have really dark hair and so does my adoptive mom, except she has brown eyes. People say that I look like my mom sometimes, and I really like that because my mom is beautiful. Nobody has ever ever said I look like my dad, even though most of my friends are crushing on him all the time. Well I guess that's because I dont look him. Sometimes I wish I did look like him. But I don't have any negative stigmas about skin color. I have black friends and white ones and all colors in between. It's not something concrete that I can put my finger on tho.

 

Got you, thanks for clarifying.

 

Based on what you said, it still seems that there's something about him physically that bothers you. His facial features, his height, maybe that he's paler. This may just be your preference on what you consider beautiful/attractive.

 

Still...he can't change the way he looks. If his looks do bother you, it's not ok to treat him disrespectfully because of how he looks.

[bathtub-row]

No I would not be THRILLED to watched him die that's why I wont go to the show unless they make me. I already said that I cried last year when I got scared when he was flying. My dad would love if he knew that I cried, thats why he won't ever find out.

 

Good. Then stop saying those horrible things to him.

[amaysngrace]

No I would not be THRILLED to watched him die that's why I wont go to the show unless they make me. I already said that I cried last year when I got scared when he was flying. My dad would love if he knew that I cried, thats why he won't ever find out.

 

It's okay to tell your dad how you feel about him, especially if he would love that.

 

Why don't you want to be close to him?

[Mirandaaa]

It's okay to tell your dad how you feel about him, especially if he would love that.

 

Why don't you want to be close to him?

 

Cause basically I don't want people playing on my emotions. He would be happy if he knew I was worried about him and that is kinda wrong.

[whichwayisup]

The other morning before school I told him that I wish he was dead. I have told him that like a million times in my life so I don't know why this time he decided to take me seriously. So he dropped me off at school, and usually he wants me to kiss him goodbye on the cheek but he didn't this time. He didn't say anything, he just drove off.

 

My parents are good parents, but I can't really explain it, I just like being mean to my dad. He does everything for me, helps me with my homework, takes me places. My adoptive mom was told when she was a teenager that she could never have kids. On the day I was born, 8 days before my dad turned 20, he and my mom adopted me with the help of my grandparents and their friends. I guess it was because they are both geniuses and way more mature than most people. They now both have PhDs in chemistry.

 

I didn't know I was adopted til 2 years ago. I'm 14 now. While my mom kind of has dark coloring like me, my dad is tall and skinny with really blond hair and blue eyes. I never really felt like he was my real dad because of my coloring, and I think that's why I like being mean to him.

My mom keeps telling me to hug my dad. She puts guilt trips on me and says that if something ever happened to my him I would never forgive myself. But the guilt trips just make me not want to apologize at all. My parents like hugs and I do hug my mom without her asking for one. It's just easier for me, I don't know why. I would always hug and kiss my dad when I was little, but usually he always had to ask for it. Now I don't ever hug him unless he hugs me first.

 

I can't just apologize halfheartedly like I don't mean it because my dad is really smart, like laser sharp and he picks up on the slightest thing. Now it has been two days and my dad is acting depressed and weird and really he won't say anything to me.

 

But the worst part is that today I heard him talking to one of his friends on the phone, and it seemed like they were joking, but then I heard my dad say something like, "Oh, yeah? You guys gotta show me this bridge. I wanna jump off it!" He was kind of laughing when he said it but he knows I heard him say it. I can't stand them acting this way. What should I do?

 

I doubt he's going to jump off that bridge and kill himself, though he probably feels like it because you've hurt his feelings. You're lucky to have a father who adores you and wants to do everything he can to make you feel secure, loved and special.

 

Maybe take the time to get to know him, spend time with him and stop judging so much. Stop being mean to him, there's no reason for it!

 

You must have pain inside to want to hurt him and feel good about it. Most who are cruel to others are the ones who are depressed and hurting yet taking it out on a loved one makes them feel better and powerful.

 

Get counseling and fix the anger you feel inside.

[whichwayisup]

You seem to think your dad has it in for you. Honestly, I see a dad who's just joking around and trying to get you to lighten up yet you're taking it too seriously and thinking he's doing this to screw you over. HE LOVES you and for some reason you can't and won't show any vulnerability around him. Like you're playing a game and want him to suffer. You need to sit and think about why that is.

 

Appreciate what you have because one day if something really does happen to him you're gonna feel like crap and wish that you nicer to him and told him you love him. Not all of us have dad's anymore, mine passed away when I was 23. I'm 45 now and would give anything to have my dad back in our lives.

 

Life is short.

 

You're young and have a lot of growing up to do, start by talking to your mom and opening up to her about this, maybe she can get you into counseling to help with your depression/anger/resentment and also guide you in how to have an honest and open conversation with your dad. That is, IF you are willing to let go of ego and have an open mind.

[Mirandaaa]

Got you, thanks for clarifying.

 

Based on what you said, it still seems that there's something about him physically that bothers you. His facial features, his height, maybe that he's paler. This may just be your preference on what you consider beautiful/attractive.

 

Still...he can't change the way he looks. If his looks do bother you, it's not ok to treat him disrespectfully because of how he looks.

 

I don't have a prob with the way he looks. Why would I, he's the only dad I ever knew and all of my friends have crushes on him, they talk about how "cute" my dad is. Who knows maybe I would have a prob with the way my bio dad looks. I already said my problem with him was because of how he deals with me and tries to make me think he can read my mind, which I think he can sometimes which is scary.

[Almond_Joy]

I don't have a prob with the way he looks. Why would I, he's the only dad I ever knew and all of my friends have crushes on him, they talk about how "cute" my dad is. Who knows maybe I would have a prob with the way my bio dad looks. I already said my problem with him was because of how he deals with me and tries to make me think he can read my mind, which I think he can sometimes which is scary.

 

I only harped on the looks because you mentioned it in your OP, and it was an odd thing to highlight if there's nothing to it.

 

It's scary for someone who raised you, who watched you go through nearly every experience you've had in your life, to understand how you would feel or react to something? ....why would he NOT understand how you think?

 

This is what I'm talking about. Your parents have watched all the choices you made growing up, I assume listened to your preferences, have bought you things you like and comforted/guided you when you were scared, confused, hurt, etc.. They have always tried to understand you and you had no problem with that, you embraced and garnered confidence and a sense of love and connectedness from the support network of a family. The fact that you've been allowed to speak to them this way shows that they encourage you to be open, they do not censor you.

 

Now that you've found out you're adopted, you believe that their familiarity with you is a problem and your dad's attempts to stay connected with you are attempts to manipulate/control you? You have to make sure he doesn't know you care about him, though you've loved and trusted him without a second thought most of your life??? That doesn't sound a little off to you?

 

People that love you and listen to you will come to know you well, and in some cases yes speak your thoughts as if you've said them aloud. My closest girlfriend does this to me all the time. It can be disorienting to hear your thoughts come word for word out of someone else, but that does not mean they're "in your head." It just means your perspectives are the same on a topic.

 

Learning about your adoption has affected you. I don't believe your parents have become malicious or wish to restrict you, you've taken it upon yourself to assume that. You need to talk about the experience of learning you are adopted and how it has affected the relationship you have with your parents with someone who is knowledgeable about these types of situations. If you don't want to ask your parents to help you find a counselor do some internet research on adopted children who find out about they were adopted later in life. I'm sure there are sites and online communities for this as it's a unique situation and is (probably) typically not managed well without people to talk to and resources to help work through the emotional effects.

 

Your parents are not your enemies and continuing to push them away will not bring you peace or comfort.

[Almond_Joy]

He would be happy if he knew I was worried about him and that is kinda wrong.

 

 

There is NOTHING wrong with a person taking comfort in knowing that someone they care for cares for them in return. People want to be loved by the ones they love - that's reciprocity and is a fundamental component of any fulfilling relationship.

 

That's all worry is, an expression of caring.

[Mirandaaa]

So I took your advice tonight and I tried the dark humor thing but it

didn't work. In fact all it did was make things worse and I will

probably have nightmares tonight. First of all my parents were in their

room sitting on the floor in front of this coffee table thingy playing

cards. My mom had some kind of drink on the floor beside her and when I

walked up behind her I scared her (I didnt mean to, it was on accident)

and she shrieked and knocked over the drink with her foot. My dad didn't

even look up, he was still ignoring me but he said, "Get a towel. Clean

it up," which I was going to anyway.

 

So then after that I tried to make my dad look up from his game by

talking about the air show. I was like, "dad, I changed my mind, I think

I'll go to the air show with mom so I can watch you crash and burn." And

I started laughing, but all he did was look up and gave me a deadly

stare and kept staring at me like his eyes were boring a hole

through me. My mom was like, "That's not funny Miranda!" But my dad

wouldn't stop boring a hole through me and then he finally said "I know you

don't care anything about me Miranda. You don't have to remind me every

ten minutes." So I was kind of shocked because it was the first time he

ever said something like that to me, like just blatantly say that I

don't care about him.

[Mirandaaa]

I guess I don't want him to think I love him, because I'm adopted, and maybe I'm not really entitled to be loved by him the way he would probably love his own biological kid. The same with my mom I dont know, maybe I feel safer with her because she could never have kids of her own. Unless she adopts another kids, I'm the only one she will ever

have. My dad on the other hand he could probably have his own kids. Maybe he wishes he had his own kids who look like him. Maybe he thinks they would love him more than I do. I don't know the answers but I thought about it a lot.

 

Sometimes I think it would be better for me if he did die and there would never be a chance he could have other kids besides me. Okay that sounds selfish but I'm just saying, technically it is true. And also I don't think he would ever cheat on my mom. They are too grounded and in love. They do everything together they make all their decisions together. I could never imagine them being apart, but still. Secretly I always wondered if my dad would rather have a real daughter who looks like him but instead he got stuck with me. Maybe secretly my dad wishes he had a real daughter who loves him and doesn't say mean things to him all the time.

[Emilia]

I think you are very very scared of being abandoned and your parents would be upset if they knew how scared you are. Most people who aren't adopted or weren't left as a kid, don't think like this.

 

your father would be much more gentle if he knew how you feel. You would have a great chance fixing this. I think you should speak to your mum.

[Emilia]

Cause basically I don't want people playing on my emotions. He would be happy if he knew I was worried about him and that is kinda wrong.

 

I think he would be concerned and he would change his behaviour to stop scaring you.