One step forward, two steps back :(

[whichwayisup]

Even though some people posted some not very nice things to me, it caused me to think differently about my situation. Writing about it helps, and getting encouragement from people who don't know me helps too. So thanks. I'm the only one who really knows me so I didn't take it personally.

 

You're 14, of course you don't have the grown up communication skills yet, but it will happen as you get older.

 

I do hope you realize that your dad loves you and would do anything for you. Unconditional love. Don't ever forget that.

[Mirandaaa]

Tonight I just woke up from a dream, a bad dream that I was at my parents funeral. The man who was the preacher at the funeral told me to come up and kiss them. So I went up and he said, "Wait. You can only kiss one of them. Whichever one you kiss will come back to life." So I kissed my mom. My mom came back to life and stepped out of the coffin and looked at my dad and started sobbing and kissing him. The preacher was standing there, and he closed the coffin lid.

Then my mom looked at me like I was the most evil person, and she ran out of the church. Everyone in the church was staring at me like I was evil. Then suddenly I was home, and I went to my room and I cried. When I woke up it was almost like the dream was real and I felt sick. I knew my parents were asleep so I went to their room and kissed my dad on his cheek barely, so he wouldn't know and it wouldn't wake him up. It made me feel a little better.

[bathtub-row]

Sometimes dreams can wake us up before it's too late. You need to believe that these people who are raising you brought you into their lives because they wanted someone to love and cuddle and nurture and hoped they would be loved back for showering this child with so much love.

 

You simply cannot imagine how heartbreaking it is for them when you reject them; when you keep this a house divided. Try to make peace with the pain inside you and count your lucky stars for the life you have. Your parents only want you to love them in return. That's really what they want from you. It's so simple.

[turnera]

When my DD25 was young and wanted to say something but was too afraid to, I would find notes on my pillow. Where she would tell me what she wanted to say. It really meant a lot. And we didn't have to talk about it. But she knew that I knew.

 

You could do that, and even put in 'if you bring this up, I will deny everything' in it.

[ZHguy]

I am going to give my two cents on fatherhood here.

 

I don't know what it is, or why it is like this, but you need a father. A child needs their father. You see, I cannot stress that point enough: you need your father. Again, I don't know why. But I do know that it was an irritatingly noticeable need that grew to bother me as a male in my mid-adolescence, because I didn't have a father. Now, he may have disagreed. He who popped up every other month through an e-mail and child support may have have disagreed. But fatherhood is a lot more than just a biological title when your child is growing up: it's a physical-emotional obligation, making your dude – in every legitimate and meaningful way that exists – your father. That vacuum of a paternal absence that existed in my life prompted me into becoming a young man who has a 30 year old woman's desires of being a parent (well that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you understand the point) so that I could be that perfect father-figure that my child will have. And when it does happen, it will add purpose onto my life. And I could go on and on about my life..

 

But, this man who is your father is not a joke. He did not make you as his own for fun, and you know that. I am not going to give you any life-affecting advice, because you will figure things out on your own as you grow. But I will tell you this, you can spend the rest of these next two years (your hormonal frustration probably won't even last past this next year) of your adolescence worrying about the loss of your father's life, or you can spend it as his Dearest Daughter (and for the rest of your life I'd like to think): a position which has already been carved out specifically for you in your father's warmest heart, and one which you will uphold in his eyes no matter what you do or say.

 

Hope I helped,

ZH.

Edited April 2, 2016 by ZHguy

[brothers343]

Every girl needs her father. One day your going to need a rock to stand on and he will be that rock. There's always a kindred connection between a daughter and her father. Whether your the same blood or not. We are here if you need us. Good luck.

[Omei]

Tonight I just woke up from a dream, a bad dream that I was at my parents funeral. The man who was the preacher at the funeral told me to come up and kiss them. So I went up and he said, "Wait. You can only kiss one of them. Whichever one you kiss will come back to life." So I kissed my mom. My mom came back to life and stepped out of the coffin and looked at my dad and started sobbing and kissing him. The preacher was standing there, and he closed the coffin lid.

Then my mom looked at me like I was the most evil person, and she ran out of the church. Everyone in the church was staring at me like I was evil. Then suddenly I was home, and I went to my room and I cried. When I woke up it was almost like the dream was real and I felt sick. I knew my parents were asleep so I went to their room and kissed my dad on his cheek barely, so he wouldn't know and it wouldn't wake him up. It made me feel a little better.

 

Your having this dream because you are starting to worry about how your behaviour is affecting him the fact that you made a post about it shows that you are worried about the things you've said.

 

Turn it all around for the better you don't have to be the perfect child just give him the respect he deserves, and that was really sweet with any luck he was secretly awake and felt your sympathies.

[Mirandaaa]

spend it as his Dearest Daughter (and for the rest of your life I'd like to think): a position which has already been carved out specifically for you in your father's warmest heart,

 

This made me cry. I never thought of it that way. Thank you.

[Mirandaaa]

I told my parents about my dream this morning, except I didn't say that my dad was in the dream. I put it like it was only my mom's funeral, and I kissed her and she woke up. I told them how sad I was and that I woke up almost crying. Then my parents just kind of smirked at each other and my dad said, "Is that why you came and kissed me on the cheek last night Miranda?"

 

So I didn't say anything I just went back to my room. First of all I was embarrassed that he knows that I kissed him but most of all I am freaked out that he can read my mind. I think that he knows what my dream was really about.

[Mirandaaa]

Sometimes dreams can wake us up before it's too late. You need to believe that these people who are raising you brought you into their lives because they wanted someone to love and cuddle and nurture and hoped they would be loved back for showering this child with so much love.

 

You simply cannot imagine how heartbreaking it is for them when you reject them; when you keep this a house divided. Try to make peace with the pain inside you and count your lucky stars for the life you have. Your parents only want you to love them in return. That's really what they want from you. It's so simple.

 

I believe what you are saying, but I think they already know that I love them.

[whichwayisup]

I told my parents about my dream this morning, except I didn't say that my dad was in the dream. I put it like it was only my mom's funeral, and I kissed her and she woke up. I told them how sad I was and that I woke up almost crying. Then my parents just kind of smirked at each other and my dad said, "Is that why you came and kissed me on the cheek last night Miranda?"

 

So I didn't say anything I just went back to my room. First of all I was embarrassed that he knows that I kissed him but most of all I am freaked out that he can read my mind. I think that he knows what my dream was really about.

 

Why didn't you just tell them about the dream for real instead of changing the facts? WHY are you so afraid to be open and honest, vulnerable around your dad?

 

Why be embarrassed by him now knowing you kissed his cheek? Admit it, own it and tell him that you adore him as your dad. I think he's waiting for you to open that door and show him some kindness instead of of you running away and clamming up.

[jen1447]

Baby steps - I think she's making progress.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you. Although you're young, I can see in your posts that you're a very deep and sensitive individual and quite intuitive as well.

 

There are many issues that you're struggling with which only a licensed therapist can help you work through. You say you're not ready to act and change but my dear you've already taken the first step by admitting your issues and posting on this site! This is a great sign..a sign that you are open for suggestions, advice, ideas.. and that you do recognize the need for change. Good for you.

 

Remember this...your parents chose YOU. They CHOSE to love YOU, take care of YOU and protect YOU. Do you know how lucky you are? They CHOSE to take you as their daughter and CHOSE to be your parents. Don't take that for granted. There are so many kids in this world born into unfortunate situations and raised by their biological parents who treat them as if they were not wanted. Many of the times, the children weren't planned and not wanted. YOU were wanted. YOU were planned and YOU were chosen.

 

Do you write in a journal? I find that writing has helped me sort out my feelings espeically when I was a teen. When you write, write what you would say to your dad. Tell him everything you're feeling...just like what you posted here. Go ahead and tell him that you're sorry and that you love him. As you do this, you'll find yourself more comfortable with these feelings and eventually in time, you may drum up the courage to either write a letter or tell your dad directly how you feel.

 

It's clear that there is a lot of love in your home and we can all tell you love your parents. You just need to learn to show it. Being able to love and also showing it...is a powerful thing. It is not weak to love it is powerful. You are trying to protect yourself by lashing out at your dad but it's actually hurting you and your dad.

 

If you can tell your Mom or anyone else about your issues and you're not ready...start in your journal and when you feel like you can..start by telling (or writing a letter) telling your parents you love them and that you're sorry.

 

Thank you. I'm Sorry. I love you. These 3 phrases are the key.

 

Baby steps, darling.

[Mirandaaa]

Why didn't you just tell them about the dream for real instead of changing the facts? WHY are you so afraid to be open and honest, vulnerable around your dad?

 

Why be embarrassed by him now knowing you kissed his cheek? Admit it, own it and tell him that you adore him as your dad. I think he's waiting for you to open that door and show him some kindness instead of of you running away and clamming up.

 

Because I told my mom that if felt like they were making fun of me for kissing my dad, and it made me mad. Plus, I asked my mom why if my dad knew I kissed him the other night, then why did he pretend to be still asleep? She said he didn't know because he was asleep but she was half awake and SHE saw me kiss him, then she told him the next morning that I came in and kissed him on the cheek. Guess that's why there were snickering at me.

[Mirandaaa]

Oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you. Although you're young, I can see in your posts that you're a very deep and sensitive individual and quite intuitive as well.

 

There are many issues that you're struggling with which only a licensed therapist can help you work through. You say you're not ready to act and change but my dear you've already taken the first step by admitting your issues and posting on this site! This is a great sign..a sign that you are open for suggestions, advice, ideas.. and that you do recognize the need for change. Good for you.

 

Remember this...your parents chose YOU. They CHOSE to love YOU, take care of YOU and protect YOU. Do you know how lucky you are? They CHOSE to take you as their daughter and CHOSE to be your parents. Don't take that for granted. There are so many kids in this world born into unfortunate situations and raised by their biological parents who treat them as if they were not wanted. Many of the times, the children weren't planned and not wanted. YOU were wanted. YOU were planned and YOU were chosen.

 

Do you write in a journal? I find that writing has helped me sort out my feelings espeically when I was a teen. When you write, write what you would say to your dad. Tell him everything you're feeling...just like what you posted here. Go ahead and tell him that you're sorry and that you love him. As you do this, you'll find yourself more comfortable with these feelings and eventually in time, you may drum up the courage to either write a letter or tell your dad directly how you feel.

 

It's clear that there is a lot of love in your home and we can all tell you love your parents. You just need to learn to show it. Being able to love and also showing it...is a powerful thing. It is not weak to love it is powerful. You are trying to protect yourself by lashing out at your dad but it's actually hurting you and your dad.

 

If you can tell your Mom or anyone else about your issues and you're not ready...start in your journal and when you feel like you can..start by telling (or writing a letter) telling your parents you love them and that you're sorry.

 

Thank you. I'm Sorry. I love you. These 3 phrases are the key.

 

Baby steps, darling.

 

I will start writing in a journal. Sometimes I have daydreams of running away, and then leave a note for them saying I'm sorry, and I love them and that I don't blame them for anything. I dream of running away because sometimes it seems easier. I know that my relationship with my dad is a hole that I dug for myself. It isn't his fault, but my own for making it a habit of saying stupid things all my life and then reacting to his reaction of it. I can't really explain what I'm trying to say. Somewhere along the way I started digging myself into a hole that is too deep to jump out of. I guess it is because even though they WANT something different from me, they expect something else from me. I don't know if that made sense.

[basil67]

Because I told my mom that if felt like they were making fun of me for kissing my dad, and it made me mad. Plus, I asked my mom why if my dad knew I kissed him the other night, then why did he pretend to be still asleep? She said he didn't know because he was asleep but she was half awake and SHE saw me kiss him, then she told him the next morning that I came in and kissed him on the cheek. Guess that's why there were snickering at me.

 

Oh sweetie, they weren't snickering. Sometimes my kids (who are your age) do something really lovely and I smile and softly laugh to myself or with my husband. It's an expression of love - not mockery.

[bathtub-row]

I think you have a very strange view of things and it borders on paranoia. Unless your parents have done something and are really bad parents, you'd do well to stop being so defensive and taking things so personally. The way you dodge the truth, and dodge getting close to others is going to effect you all your life -- and not in a good way.

[turnera]

Why don't you ask your mom if you can go to a therapist, where it will be safe and anonymous to talk? A therapist can help you sort out all your conflicted feelings.

[Alirocks]

The other morning before school I told him that I wish he was dead. I have told him that like a million times in my life so I don't know why this time he decided to take me seriously. So he dropped me off at school, and usually he wants me to kiss him goodbye on the cheek but he didn't this time. He didn't say anything, he just drove off.

 

My parents are good parents, but I can't really explain it, I just like being mean to my dad. He does everything for me, helps me with my homework, takes me places. My adoptive mom was told when she was a teenager that she could never have kids. On the day I was born, 8 days before my dad turned 20, he and my mom adopted me with the help of my grandparents and their friends. I guess it was because they are both geniuses and way more mature than most people. They now both have PhDs in chemistry.

 

I didn't know I was adopted til 2 years ago. I'm 14 now. While my mom kind of has dark coloring like me, my dad is tall and skinny with really blond hair and blue eyes. I never really felt like he was my real dad because of my coloring, and I think that's why I like being mean to him.

My mom keeps telling me to hug my dad. She puts guilt trips on me and says that if something ever happened to my him I would never forgive myself. But the guilt trips just make me not want to apologize at all. My parents like hugs and I do hug my mom without her asking for one. It's just easier for me, I don't know why. I would always hug and kiss my dad when I was little, but usually he always had to ask for it. Now I don't ever hug him unless he hugs me first.

 

I can't just apologize halfheartedly like I don't mean it because my dad is really smart, like laser sharp and he picks up on the slightest thing. Now it has been two days and my dad is acting depressed and weird and really he won't say anything to me.

 

But the worst part is that today I heard him talking to one of his friends on the phone, and it seemed like they were joking, but then I heard my dad say something like, "Oh, yeah? You guys gotta show me this bridge. I wanna jump off it!" He was kind of laughing when he said it but he knows I heard him say it. I can't stand them acting this way. What should I do?

 

 

 

 

***I am going to try not to be very hard on you because I know that you are and teen girl. what I will say is you are lucky that you had people who adopted you because things could have turned out very different in your life, and I dont mean in a good way. Be greatful and shop giving your dad ****. since you say that you "like to be mean to your dad" maybe you're the one who needs to seek help. There are plenty of people who have lost their parents, and wish they could do things differenly, and its a regret they have to live with every single day. You need to change, you will have a world of hurt and regret if you dont.******

[Mirandaaa]

***I am going to try not to be very hard on you because I know that you are and teen girl. what I will say is you are lucky that you had people who adopted you because things could have turned out very different in your life, and I dont mean in a good way. Be greatful and shop giving your dad ****. since you say that you "like to be mean to your dad" maybe you're the one who needs to seek help. There are plenty of people who have lost their parents, and wish they could do things differenly, and its a regret they have to live with every single day. You need to change, you will have a world of hurt and regret if you dont.******

 

Okay??? I guess I give up. If you read all my other posts you would see I'm trying to change. I can't change over night. It's a lot easier for you to say that than to actually be there.

[basil67]

Okay??? I guess I give up. If you read all my other posts you would see I'm trying to change. I can't change over night. It's a lot easier for you to say that than to actually be there.

 

Don't give up on yourself. Just ignore posters who take your issues at face value

 

You know, I thought much the same as that poster when I first read your thread. But then I saw you talking with sensitive and thoughtful posters who've had the insight to help instead of push you away and I realised how wrong my first judgement was.

 

Hang in there Mirandaaa. Your parents love you and I know you love them too.

Edited April 7, 2016 by basil67

[Mirandaaa]

Don't give up on yourself. Just ignore posters who take your issues at face value

 

You know, I thought much the same as that poster when I first read your thread. But then I saw you talking with sensitive and thoughtful posters who've had the insight to help instead of push you away and I realised how wrong my first judgement was.

 

Hang in there Mirandaaa. Your parents love you and I know you love them too.

 

Thank you. I guess if you read my post it does sound like I don't like my dad at all.

[Methodical]

The fact that you acknowledge there's an issue and you want to improve your relationship shows you care. You are taking baby steps and that is fine. Keep moving forward .

[SaveYourHeart]

I didn't read all your posts, but honey, you have some serious soul searching to do. I don't think your dad is going to kill himself, but he's probably trying to teach you a lesson with all that dark humor. Sometimes, as children, we say things we shouldn't, but saying that you wish someone were dead is beyond that. That's a very serious thing to say, not only is it hurtful, but it's terrifying. You need to see a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist.

 

Also, you need to stop making excuses for yourself. "I can't change overnight". Yes you can, you can make changes immediately, you can do anything you set your mind to. Just because you're young doesn't mean you get a 'get out of jail free' card. YOU have to make the decision to change and make a serious effort to repair the damage you've done to your relationship with your dad. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but the things you've said and done will land you in a much worse place if you keep going at this rate. I understand you may be sensitive and thoughtful and that you are reaching out for help on the internet, and this is my advice to you, make the changes now. Right now. Before it's too late.

[EMT girl]

Ok, I have 4 children. 3 of them older than you, 1 younger. I have 1 daughter-she's my oldest at 19, so her angsty days were not long enough ago for me to forget them. I can tell you this, I was adopted, and was raised as an only child, just so you understand that i"get" you from several different views.

 

First off, your parents WANTED you. Nobody ever adopts a child that they don't want. So let's put that one away. Your dad loves you, although you probably make it hard to like you, when you act like a mean girl. Trust me, my daughter has said some pretty mean stuff but never did she say she wished me or her father dead. That is beyond the realms of acceptable. Dead is forever, and while I know you didn't mean it, that cuts like a knife. You dad deserves an apology for those hurtful words.

 

Next, the biological child business is silly. If they did have biological children, it doesn't matter. Honestly, I agonized over "doing this" to my firstborn, when I found out I was pregnant with my second child, my oldest son. Little did I know, even though I was told, that a parents heart expands to love ALL of their children-biological or not. My daughter and my oldest son can fight like cats and dogs, but they are close. The closest of friends and confidantes. Same goes for my next two children. The four of them are each other's worst enemies, and best friends, and Lord help the person from outside the family that messes with any one of them. Siblings are a gift, not a punishment. My parents could not have any more children and I know I missed out big time. So relax, if they decided out of the blue that they wanted another child, it would be wonderful for you, and it would prove that you are so wonderful that they want to increase their happiness.

 

It's good that you were concerned for your dad. I'm certain he knows and appreciates that fact, but it sounds like the two of you really need to have a conversation. Explain how you've been feeling, and that you're essentially insecure about where you stand in his heart. He may joke with you normally, but I can assure you, he will tell you seriously how he feels and will do his best to make you see how much you mean to him.

 

You are 14, and it's time to see yourself as who you are and are growing to be. Kindness is ALWAYS your best option in everything you do. You are a young woman who is going to get to choose what to be as she grows to adulthood, be kind to those who love you. As you work to do this, it will become who you are.