My best friend kissed my GF

[ElFastoManos]

Hi guys

 

I have been with my GF for 2 years now and she is the sweetest girl ever. But about a year ago she became very good friends with my best friend. They were writing together every day and I believed that he developed feelings for her. One day she was at a bar where he also was and she walked him home and wanted to take a taxi from there to her home. But when she said goodbye to him, he kissed her.

 

She told me about this today and said that she's been up all night thinking about this and just been hating her self more and more for not stopping him and not noticing that he had feelings for her. And today she was crying all the time when we were talking about this and she was very afraid of losing me as her BF. I don't know what to do. I mean, I love her more than anything but I'm just afraid that this incident will be like a scar in our relationship forever.

 

She's not the kind of person who would do anything like this. And I don't believe that she will do anything like it again.

 

What do you guys think about the situation? Do you have any experience with this kind of situation?

[Spikiera]

Hi OP,

 

I think currently things are not too bad. Your GF was honest about it and told you what happened. You need to have a conversation with your best friend ASAP and hear his side of story. If he tells you that yes he has feelings for her and he's sorry, then you guys might be able to repair your friendship.

 

But I feel that your best friend is possibly breaking the bro code and this is not cool. Regardless you gotta find out the truth.

 

Ask if your GF has any feelings for your best friend too. You guys have a lot to work on right now.

[ExpatInItaly]

What were they messaging about all the time?

 

I ask because it's important to know if this attraction was truly one-sided or not. Was it him trying to get in touch with her, or was she also initiating contact? (that you know of, of course)

 

When did this kiss happen? You say she just told you about this today. I would be interested to know how much time has elapsed between then and now. Why did she walk him home as opposed to calling a taxi from the bar?

 

Talk to your friend. (not through text) Don't detail everything your girlfriend said. Just tell him she told you something happened on XYZ night and ask him for his version of events.

 

It is good that she came to you and told you. I would advise you to try to verify if her description lines up with his.

[Satu]

I think it unlikely that this kiss was an entirely one sided event.

 

Its very easy to turn your face away when you don't want a kiss.

 

It could have been 99% him, 1% her, but still not entirely one sided.

 

I wouldn't panic about it, but you might need a word with your friend.

 

No drama.

[ElFastoManos]

Yeah my thoughts exactly. I need to talk to him. I just couldn't do it today because I was to mad to be rational

[preraph]

You need to dump the guy for sure. He's not a friend. He's a poacher. As long as you think you can trust her not to let it go further than a kiss, which let's face it, is kind of quick and then done, then don't dump her. But if you feel she will always be vulnerable to getting into emotional relationships with other guys, then that's a different story. Need to talk to her about that.

[ElFastoManos]

What were they messaging about all the time?

 

I ask because it's important to know if this attraction was truly one-sided or not. Was it him trying to get in touch with her, or was she also initiating contact? (that you know of, of course)

 

When did this kiss happen? You say she just told you about this today. I would be interested to know how much time has elapsed between then and now. Why did she walk him home as opposed to calling a taxi from the bar?

 

Talk to your friend. (not through text) Don't detail everything your girlfriend said. Just tell him she told you something happened on XYZ night and ask him for his version of events.

 

It is good that she came to you and told you. I would advise you to try to verify if her description lines up with his.

Just the usual friend-friend stuff. But they started being very close and they would often talk for a long time.

 

I told to watch out not to send him the wrong signals. And I believe that she did send wrong signals. I don't think that she ever rejected him totally. And he lives 200 m from the bar. So it was just something they did. We do the same when I'm there too

 

Yeah I'm going to. I also really want to know the truth. And all day he's been writing "I'm sorry" messages to my GF. And I know that it might help to check if all the details are the same, but I'm not gonna do that. If I suspect that she's lying then I would break-up instantly. And I trust her because it has affected her very much

[ExpatInItaly]

Just the usual friend-friend stuff. But they started being very close and they would often talk for a long time.

 

I told to watch out not to send him the wrong signals. And I believe that she did send wrong signals. I don't think that she ever rejected him totally. And he lives 200 m from the bar. So it was just something they did. We do the same when I'm there too

 

Yeah I'm going to. I also really want to know the truth. And all day he's been writing "I'm sorry" messages to my GF. And I know that it might help to check if all the details are the same, but I'm not gonna do that. If I suspect that she's lying then I would break-up instantly. And I trust her because it has affected her very much

 

This is why I would be concerned. She was participating even after you pointed out it was perhaps getting too friendly.

 

Have you heard from your friend yet? He's been sending your girlfriend messages, but has he apologized to you as well?

[frus69]

Am I the only one who thinks it was a huge red flag already when she became so close and talking so much with your friend?

 

 

She just shouldn't have been so close to him at the very beginning. Why does she talk to him all the time anyway? And how are you so OK with it???

And she hasn't noticed he has feelings for her? Yeahhhhhhhhh riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight......

 

 

If they hadn't had such a close "friend"ship and they just accidently kissed after few drinks then yeah, maybe let it go but they are very close, they have emotional bond. Its probably not just a innocent kiss.

Edited April 10, 2016 by frus69

[ExpatInItaly]

Am I the only one who thinks it was a huge red flag already when she became so close and talking so much with your friend?

 

 

She just shouldn't have been so close to him at the very beginning. Why does she talk to him all the time anyway? And how are you so OK with it???

And she hasn't noticed he has feelings for her? Yeahhhhhhhhh riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight......

 

 

If they hadn't had such a close "friend"ship and they just accidently kissed after few drinks then yeah, maybe let it go but they are very close, they have emotional bond. Its probably not just a innocent kiss.

 

That was my impression too. This is why I questioned what they were talking about all the time and how much she was participating.

 

There's been a connection brewing for some time, I would wager.

[smackie9]

They were having an emotional affair my friend. Well maybe she didn't see it that way until it was too late and things got out of hand.....now she realizes she is partly to blame and is feeling pretty guilty.

 

Best of luck sorting all this out.

[Jersey born raised]

Bingo smakie9. I personally believe a large percentage of affairs and adultery occur following this pattern. I recall a response to Sigmund Freud's assertion cigars where a sign of latent homosexuality and pipe smokers where seeking there mothers nipple. The response: hey most times it really is just a cigar.

 

In the same way a friendship is just a friendship until it isn't. There are reasons for establishing clear boundaries. They protect us from mistakes the hurt us or others.

 

For your own sanity going forward read "not just friends". Do it so you don't do the same thing in a new future relationship and to recognize the signs in a relationship with a new SO.

 

Perhaps both of you should read it, it might help heal the rift. As to your best friend - he should be dead to you.

[lolablue17]

Yes, you may fix things with her, but first thing first - you need to know what is there to fix. You need to know what was going on there.

 

1. It seems that she feels guilty not only about the kiss, but the emotional affair that have happened till then. ask her if she is willing to show you all the texts\mails between them. Does she refuse? Red flag. Did she delete them? Red flag.

 

2. She is crying all day and afraid to lose you. Maybe she is afraid to lose him? You need to test it. Did she offer to cut all contact with him immediately? Is she willing to? It's different is she "agrees" or initiate it by her own will. Ask her what is she willing to do to prevent you from leaving her. And if she wants to cut him, why didn't she block him already? Why is she continuing talking to him?

 

3. She must pay a price! If you just say "I believe you and trust you" and that is that, than after everything is calmed down, she will learn that she can get away with cheating, and with developing an affair under your nose with your consent. She must cut him from her life, which will be very difficult for her. Ask her and watch her reaction. If she really loves you, she will do EVERYTHING to keep you.

 

If she's trying to minimize her sacrifice, or negotiating the terms, she may not love you so much as she claim. Don't be impressed by her tears, although I'm sure they're real.

 

About your friend? He crossed the most important line between friends. He couldn't hold his hands and couldn't resist temptation. These things cannot happen between friends. He needs to learn the definition of "friends", because he doesn't know. He is not your friend.

[Darren Steez]

No girl is that naive to think a guy would start messaging her, texting her, inviting her out to do stuff, dude you even warned her not to send the wrong signals, and their walking back to his place and he suddenly jumps on her and kisses her?

 

I think you're smarter than this. Not saying she wanted to cheat but she knew what was happening, again not saying she knew the kiss was coming but I bet she wasn't shocked when it happened..

 

Oh yeah, ice your friend..he's no friend of yours if he's trying to mack your girl from under your nose.

 

No point in even talking to him, just cut ties...and her with him too

[whichwayisup]

Just the usual friend-friend stuff. But they started being very close and they would often talk for a long time.

 

I told to watch out not to send him the wrong signals. And I believe that she did send wrong signals. I don't think that she ever rejected him totally. And he lives 200 m from the bar. So it was just something they did. We do the same when I'm there too

 

Yeah I'm going to. I also really want to know the truth. And all day he's been writing "I'm sorry" messages to my GF. And I know that it might help to check if all the details are the same, but I'm not gonna do that. If I suspect that she's lying then I would break-up instantly. And I trust her because it has affected her very much

 

Seems they were 'getting to know each other' and investing in one another. And it seems like she was probably just being friendly and nice since he is your best friend but who knows if feelings were developing on his end (or even her end) so that investing has to stop immediately. He was a fool to go in for a kiss, knowing full well he is your best friend. Good that she told you and her reaction, being so upset by it shows you how genuine she is and she's sorry it happened. Did she say anything to him about it? Push him away or get angry, ask why he did kissed her?

 

Be calm when you talk to your buddy. Just tell him that she told you he kissed her and ask him why he would do such a thing? Allow him to explain himself and see if he is sorry or if he tries to blame her or deflect.

 

Also him saying sorry to her also shows that he was the one to kiss her, not the other way around. he knows he f'ed up. Question is, how does he handle it now...does he have the balls to tell you before you talk to him...

Edited April 12, 2016 by whichwayisup

[Hughes101]

Hi guys

 

I have been with my GF for 2 years now and she is the sweetest girl ever. But about a year ago she became very good friends with my best friend. They were writing together every day and I believed that he developed feelings for her. One day she was at a bar where he also was and she walked him home and wanted to take a taxi from there to her home. But when she said goodbye to him, he kissed her.

 

She told me about this today and said that she's been up all night thinking about this and just been hating her self more and more for not stopping him and not noticing that he had feelings for her. And today she was crying all the time when we were talking about this and she was very afraid of losing me as her BF. I don't know what to do. I mean, I love her more than anything but I'm just afraid that this incident will be like a scar in our relationship forever.

 

She's not the kind of person who would do anything like this. And I don't believe that she will do anything like it again.

 

What do you guys think about the situation? Do you have any experience with this kind of situation?

 

This might sound harsh but OP this is your fault and you will probably learn from the mistake.

 

WTF would you be ok with your girl to spend one on one time with another guy (especially your best friend). You allowed it to go on so long until it esculated to a sexual level.

 

Also beware of trickle truth ie. This is just one small piece of the puzzle (the tip of the iceburg if you will).

[Jabron1]

Stop being so naive.

 

The time for 'talk' is long gone. Dump the pair of them. And in future, nip this sort of thing in the bud.

 

You can do a lot better than this.

[Hughes101]

Stop being so naive.

 

The time for 'talk' is long gone. Dump the pair of them. And in future, nip this sort of thing in the bud.

 

You can do a lot better than this.

 

Naive exactly.

 

You better believe they did more than just kiss.

[mike_89]

Punch your "friend" in the face. What kind of guy backstabs his best friend like this? There is no excuse.

[Jabron1]

Punch your "friend" in the face. What kind of guy backstabs his best friend like this? There is no excuse.

 

It'd be a waste of energy IMO. This girl isn't worth fighting over.

 

Just dump them both. Take it out in the gym, where you'll make the gains that'll attract the next girl.

[lchf]

Grab your man jewels and dump both of them. Your friend ain't your friend and your GF ain't your GF anymore. They both deserve each other.

 

"She's not the kind of person who would do anything like this. And I don't believe that she will do anything like it again."

 

How can you be so naiive? She is someone who would do this because she's already done it, and you better believe she'll do it again.

[Try]

She told me about this today and said that she's been up all night thinking about this and just been hating her self more and more for not stopping him and not noticing that he had feelings for her.

She told you when you did not know, understands the severity of the issue, and took full responsibility. I would give her a second chance.

 

And all day he's been writing "I'm sorry" messages to my GF.

He did not tell you, and tells her that he is sorry but does not tell you that he is sorry. His only concern is to fix his relationship with her, and he is not concerned about his relationship with you. He is no longer your friend much less your best friend. Do not give him a second chance. Also, the fact that he feels the need to tell her that he is sorry, indicates that he was the instigator that took the action and was at some point quickly told by her that he was wrong to have done it. Another reason to give her a second chance.

[Try]

This might sound harsh but OP this is your fault and you will probably learn from the mistake.

 

WTF would you be ok with your girl to spend one on one time with another guy (especially your best friend). You allowed it to go on so long until it esculated to a sexual level.

This is spot on. Since you are very compatible with both of them, it is not surprising to discover that they are very compatible with each other. Allowing them so much one on one time where they even hang at bars together, was rolling the dice where you had nothing to gain but a lot to lose.

[Hughes101]

This is spot on. Since you are very compatible with both of them, it is not surprising to discover that they are very compatible with each other. Allowing them so much one on one time where they even hang at bars together, was rolling the dice where you had nothing to gain but a lot to lose.

 

Yes as well your gf will feel instant comfort/trust with your male friends by default because you're friends with them.

 

But OP I missed the bit about him texting her to apologise. IF this is genuine and not some kind of cover up that they schemed together then it may not be as bad, as she came clean to you, maybe it was mainly him and she was the innocent party after all..

 

If this checks out (you should verify that the msg wasn't a scheme), then keep her. You may just have a unicorn on your hands brother.