I'm in so much pain! Finished with MM

[LondonGirl81]

Yes, it's definite NC. But as I said, blocking him didn't work for me last time and I ended up making contact and staying in the A for a few more moths. It made me feel weaker, not stronger. Each to their own. It's still early days, and I'm sure I will learn through experience and mistakes what is the best strategy for me. At least there are only two options in this scenario - I block him or don't - if one doesn't work, I simply will have to resort to the other!

[ShatteredLady]

Some won't like this but threatening to hand all of your 'evidence' of your affair to his wife will keep him away if he won't respect your wishes!

[LondonGirl81]

Do him & his mates hang-out in the same pub as you & your friends? Is it possible to completely avoid him? Could running into him after a few drinks be a danger?

 

I hope you've confided in some of your close girl friends & they are helping you. Think of a comical degrading nick-name for him & stop even using his name when you talk about him!! He's a scummy predator. Heart breaking that he has a loving wife & little kids. Ugh!! He doesn't deserve a 'human name' anymore.

 

My friend has some great names for her exMM. It's hard to mourn him when we're giggling at his derogatory names! Bumbrains have no place in your new fantastic life.

 

Hi Shattered Lady,

No, we don't hang out in the same pubs etc. There is a chance that we will bump into each other through work, but unlikely. I know there is one day coming up in a couple months that I will have to not attend, and I will be probably need support on here to get me through that!

My friends are being wonderful and taking care of me, and have a fantastic counsellor who I've booked for an extra session this week. She's been with me from the beginning and was so delighted when I updated her tonight. Asking MM the ultimate question was something that we had talked about a while back. What I've learnt from this is being vulnerable can sometimes bring you empowerment!

Ohhhh a name! There a plenty I could pick from! All to explicit to post here, but I will find one and he will be re-born.

Thanks for all your support x

[Ms. Faust]

Seriously, this guy sounds atrocious!!!!! :sick:

 

What were your expectations of him, it sounds like even if you guys got together he would have cheated on you as well.

[LondonGirl81]

Seriously, this guy sounds atrocious!!!!! :sick:

 

What were your expectations of him, it sounds like even if you guys got together he would have cheated on you as well.

 

Oh, I have no doubt in my mind that if we had got together, he would have done exactly the same to me. Like most affairs, the sex between us was absolutely incredible! But if he had left his wife and we'd tried to have a committed relationship, his eyes will have eventually started to wander, once his boredom and need for excitement set in. He's a thrill seeker, risk taker and will do anything to satisfy his own needs. I can't believe it is only now that I am starting to really see this.

[LondonGirl81]

I woke up feeling very optimistic and was relieved to not feel the pangs of loneliness, desperation and phone checking that I normally do.

But I do feel a sense of shame today. Shame that I thought this relationship could make me think that I could ask him to leave his wife and kids. I'm embarrassed! I'm starting to see the relationship for what it really was. It was very emotionally charged and felt SO real at the time, has consumed us both for 10 months, but now I can see that it wasn't a real relationship. Just a fantasy for both of us.

Right, wallowing over, going to carry on getting my environment cleansed of him, have a shower and get out and do something!

Edited April 13, 2016 by LondonGirl81

[Grey Cloud]

Don't feel surprised or disheartened if the pangs of loneliness and desperation appear - even in several days time. NC is up and down, good days and bad. You will go through every emotion. It's a constant work in progress. Just keep reminding yourself on the bad days that nothing has changed in terms of his situation and stay strong. Know that it will take time!

 

I woke up feeling very optimistic and was relieved to not feel the pangs of loneliness, desperation and phone checking that I normally do.

But I do feel a sense of shame today. Shame that I thought this relationship could make me think that I could ask him to leave his wife and kids. I'm embarrassed! I'm starting to see the relationship for what it really was. It was very emotionally charged and felt SO real at the time, has consumed us both for 10 months, but now I can see that it wasn't a real relationship. Just a fantasy for both of us.

Right, wallowing over, going to carry on getting my environment cleansed of him, have a shower and get out and do something!

[Miss Clavel]

I have zero advice for you because I am spending to much time laying on my bed unable to function or move as well .

The difference is that I am married.

I have been 13 days away from him and I can barely breathe .

I wish you the best and hope you can get it together .

This is the hardest and loneliest time of life , and we cant talk about it to people or show our dispair because it was a secret that we have to carry on our own .

I tend to write my feelings out and then delete them so I don't get caught .

Hope you feel better today.

 

 

i used to wait until the orphans were in bed to go into my closet. i'd stuff the belt of my fluffy robe in my mouth and scream, scream, scream.

 

i felt better getting it out and not scaring the kids.

[Miss Clavel]

I agree with Privategal in terms of the "amicable" conversations. I thought xMM and I ended amicably. No d-day but a realisation we had to end. I was sad but knew it was for the best. These "amicable" conversations keep continuing and the more rational and logical xMM became, the more emotional I got! To the point where it felt he had already moved on and then I moved quickly into the angry phase and let him have it! Made me feel temporarily better and allowed me to get into proper NC until the anger wore off and I felt bad again. Cue more "amicable" conversations which again made me feel temporarily better but now I am back to square one. Back to NC having gone around in circles. See a pattern?

 

Once you make the decision to end, it's best to keep looking forwards and not backwards. Even though it's a horrible feeling

 

 

sounds like addiction. even one drop can set you back. one hit wakes the beast.

[jenkins95]

Hi LondonGirl, just want to send you a hug (((LG)))

 

You are absolutely on the right path now that you are committed to NC - well done for being so strong; I know how horrible and difficult it is. Right now you are in love with him so it's hard to be objective, but in several months time come back and re-read what you have written about all his horrible traits. You will be soooo glad that you got him out of your life and moved on. You will wonder what you ever saw in him and know that you can do so much better!

 

And don't worry at all about wondering how on earth you ever got in this position - it's quite normal around here in LS! I for one ask that question every day! We are all human - we can make mistakes and do silly, selfish things that are damaging and hurtful to ourselves and others. But it's what you do afterwards, how you recover, make amends, adapt, change, learn and move on that can really count, turn your life around and guard you from future possible hurt. From what I've read from your OP and your follow up posts, even though you are hurting so badly, you seem like you are very level headed, intelligent and are really on top of this LG. Well done!

 

From, the xMM perspective, I just want you to know that I too agree 100% with all the other posters that you are on the right path. My A hurt so many people and I so regret it. Well done for making the right decision.

 

And as Grey Cloud says, expect the good/bad feelings to come in cycles. Don't let a "good" day fool you into believing that you are recovered - you may wake up again five days later depressed and barely able to get out of bed. Equally, don't led a bad day make you feel that yuo will never feel better - the bad days do pass. Several months after my affair, I am generally so much better and certain that i did the right thing in ending the affair, but I can still have very bad days sometimes that can completely floor me. I still sometimes miss the OW - but it is not constant any more. Be strong and get through the bad days. They will become fewer and fewer with time, and the good days will get better and better. "Good" days at the start of recovery are not normal "good" days - it is all relative and often just about surviving the day without completely breaking down. But genuinely good days are ahead of you too - just keep going! You are a star!

 

Just finishing my post by quoting privategal's excellent words: -

 

Listen guys, Im being FIRM...Do not leave the door open. Dont even think of it as NC...think of him as DEAD. There isnt more to say...he shouldnt have access to you and the second that youve gone weeks without thoughts and stop analyzing...boom...he writes

 

Be woman enough to stop waiting, hoping, needing validation.

NC is NOT and option. You wanna heal...nc...he can say or write nothing that can affect you. You are moving on and NOT open to discussion.

Its not over until its nc...for LIFE.

ANYTHING LESS IS A GAME!

 

Brilliant words as ever privategal. LG, she is right - it has to be 100% commitment to never having anything to do with him ever again. That is your quickest route to recovery and your sure route to freedom and an excellent, exciting future!

 

keep posting LG we are here for you. We are on that path with you - you are never alone here!

 

I wish you all the very best. J

Edited April 13, 2016 by jenkins95

[LondonGirl81]

Don't feel surprised or disheartened if the pangs of loneliness and desperation appear - even in several days time. NC is up and down, good days and bad. You will go through every emotion. It's a constant work in progress. Just keep reminding yourself on the bad days that nothing has changed in terms of his situation and stay strong. Know that it will take time!

 

Thanks Grey Cloud. Great advice. At the moment my moods swing from one to the other, every few hours. This morning I was making very weird noises into my pillow out of the shame of asking him to leave his family for me. But a few hours later I'm euphoric, feel light as a feather and so glad I cornered the a***h*** into an ultimatum. Ha! I spent the afternoon with a friend and we had such a laugh. When I laugh, I laugh again because I am so glad I still actually have the capacity to laugh! I will survive this and it's all going to be OK in the end!

 

Part of my euphoria today has been that the phone obsession wasn't there. I don't need to constantly check if I need to reply to yet another message, be engaged in converstation with him all day. Or experience the anxiety that he hasn't replied to my last one. The texting used to drive me insane! I walked into my room and forgot to even look at my phone - that hasn't happened for nearly a year!

 

I've got difficult days to come - there are some unavoidable scenarios next week which could trigger a lot of pain (just being in certain environments could set me off). But I'm preparing myself, and have decided to try my best to turn these around: instead of dwelling how awful I feel being back in these places, I will remember how utterly miserable I felt when I was in these places, while the A was going on. Now I can be in these situations and feel true happiness that I am there and free of this awful nightmare I chose to entangle myself in

 

Going out for a friends birthday for dinner now, and there certainly won't be tears at the dinner table like there were two days ago. One day at a time, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow!

[LondonGirl81]

Hi LondonGirl, just want to send you a hug (((LG)))

 

You are absolutely on the right path now that you are committed to NC - well done for being so strong; I know how horrible and difficult it is. Right now you are in love with him so it's hard to be objective, but in several months time come back and re-read what you have written about all his horrible traits. You will be soooo glad that you got him out of your life and moved on. You will wonder what you ever saw in him and know that you can do so much better!

 

And don't worry at all about wondering how on earth you ever got in this position - it's quite normal around here in LS! I for one ask that question every day! We are all human - we can make mistakes and do silly, selfish things that are damaging and hurtful to ourselves and others. But it's what you do afterwards, how you recover, make amends, adapt, change, learn and move on that can really count, turn your life around and guard you from future possible hurt. From what I've read from your OP and your follow up posts, even though you are hurting so badly, you seem like you are very level headed, intelligent and are really on top of this LG. Well done!

 

From, the xMM perspective, I just want you to know that I too agree 100% with all the other posters that you are on the right path. My A hurt so many people and I so regret it. Well done for making the right decision.

 

And as Grey Cloud says, expect the good/bad feelings to come in cycles. Don't let a "good" day fool you into believing that you are recovered - you may wake up again five days later depressed and barely able to get out of bed. Equally, don't led a bad day make you feel that yuo will never feel better - the bad days do pass. Several months after my affair, I am generally so much better and certain that i did the right thing in ending the affair, but I can still have very bad days sometimes that can completely floor me. I still sometimes miss the OW - but it is not constant any more. Be strong and get through the bad days. They will become fewer and fewer with time, and the good days will get better and better. "Good" days at the start of recovery are not normal "good" days - it is all relative and often just about surviving the day without completely breaking down. But genuinely good days are ahead of you too - just keep going! You are a star!

 

Just finishing my post by quoting privategal's excellent words: -

 

 

 

Brilliant words as ever privategal. LG, she is right - it has to be 100% commitment to never having anything to do with him ever again. That is your quickest route to recovery and your sure route to freedom and an excellent, exciting future!

 

keep posting LG we are here for you. We are on that path with you - you are never alone here!

 

I wish you all the very best. J

 

Hi Jenkins,

Thank you so much for offering your support. This forum is strengthening my resolve and comforting my wounded heart! Reading your stories, and people offering me wise words of encouragement is making this just about bearable. It's day 3 of NC today. I'm feeling strong, but the main feeling I have is fear. I'm so fearful of the days to come and completely losing it. Im hoping that as each day passes, my confidence in my own strength will build, and I will start to believe that I will survive this. I'm terrified of the triggers next week, there will be many, but I will survive!

I'm grateful today that I don't have to sit through the pain this summer of him going on his family holiday. When he told me he was going, I remember saying to myself, I want to be out of this A before the family holiday. I don't want to be sitting around, imagining them all having a wonderful time, me glued to my phone waiting for a text, and feeling too needy to text him. I'm out of that toxic existence!

[winterkeep]

Hi LG, you're doing great! Three days NC and you're already able to authentically laugh and to see positives, read some of the posts here and you will see that it takes some women months or years to reach this point.

 

One thing that really helps me when I'm triggered by certain places, events memories is to honestly ask myself how great the reality around it really was. Much of the time I've realised that there was always an underlying level of pain, guilt or anxiety - you're free of that now. That you are no longer anxious about your phone is so great.

 

I've not updated my story and won't thread jack but got sucked back into my very toxic situation with XMM. I'm now out of it again but am feeling quite hurt and damaged from it, uselessly so as I was recovering well. Don't make the same mistake I- and so many others here - have and get pulled back in. It's easier than you'd think, I was certain I was completely done with him. Hold onto the calm you're feeling or this could go on for years.

 

On my drive to work I've been listening to an audio book of Natalie lue's "the no contact rule" (can't recommend it more!) and she talks about the sometimes unbearable desire to re connect likening it to giving up cigarettes. We had a public health campaign here a few years ago about giving up smoking, instead of focusing on the damage done by cigarettes it looked at the improvements and healing the body went through each day after giving up.( I.e. At day four you lung tissue is starting to regenerate. )

 

I think it's helpful to think of NC in this light...day three and you're able to laugh again, you're losing the anxiety of constantly focusing on your phone. What will day four bring?

[jenkins95]

Yes, I agree that you are doing soooo well! Another day survived. Very proud of another great LS member.

 

Don't expect to feel better day by day just yet - it's all about surviving for now and riding out the little bumps that will be bombarding you all the time on your path at the moment.

 

Rather than noticing a day by day improvement, many people (me included) report that several weeks or even months down the line, they suddenly realise that it isn't hurting as much as it was at the start an there are less bumps on that road. You will still bad days even after you notice that you are feeling better in general, but these will become more and more sparse.

 

Recovery is slow, but it WILL happen if you stick to your resolve LG. Well done!

[LondonGirl81]

Hi LG, you're doing great! Three days NC and you're already able to authentically laugh and to see positives, read some of the posts here and you will see that it takes some women months or years to reach this point.

 

One thing that really helps me when I'm triggered by certain places, events memories is to honestly ask myself how great the reality around it really was. Much of the time I've realised that there was always an underlying level of pain, guilt or anxiety - you're free of that now. That you are no longer anxious about your phone is so great.

 

I've not updated my story and won't thread jack but got sucked back into my very toxic situation with XMM. I'm now out of it again but am feeling quite hurt and damaged from it, uselessly so as I was recovering well. Don't make the same mistake I- and so many others here - have and get pulled back in. It's easier than you'd think, I was certain I was completely done with him. Hold onto the calm you're feeling or this could go on for years.

 

On my drive to work I've been listening to an audio book of Natalie lue's "the no contact rule" (can't recommend it more!) and she talks about the sometimes unbearable desire to re connect likening it to giving up cigarettes. We had a public health campaign here a few years ago about giving up smoking, instead of focusing on the damage done by cigarettes it looked at the improvements and healing the body went through each day after giving up.( I.e. At day four you lung tissue is starting to regenerate. )

 

I think it's helpful to think of NC in this light...day three and you're able to laugh again, you're losing the anxiety of constantly focusing on your phone. What will day four bring?

 

Thanks Winterkeep - your encouraging words mean a lot!

Day 4 NC today. I wasn't going to count NC days but I think it might help my resolve in a few weeks time, if I start to struggle.

Lots of emotions churning through me this morning, not feeling quite as positive today; I'm in deep regret that I wasted 10 months of my life with this man. It all seems so utterly pointless now. I can't even justify it by saying it was worth it for the good times, because most of the time I was in such emotional turmoil. Why did I choose to put myself through this hell?!

I don't want this A to define me, to have a hold on me for the rest of my life. I'm worried it has changed me and I will have to live with this forever.

I've let my mind wander a bit too much this morning - thinking about what he's doing, how he's feeling, if he's going to try and get in touch. Thinking about him like this is definitely the most unhelpful thoughts I could have - I feel more positive when I'm focused on me and my recovery.

I've got IC this morning, hopefully that will help me back into a more positive state of mind. Then spending the day with friends and can forget about all of this, intermittedly! I am so grateful for my friends right now. They have been amazing. One of them gave me a get well soon card yesterday - it made me laugh so much!

[Grey Cloud]

Thanks Winterkeep - your encouraging words mean a lot!

Day 4 NC today. I wasn't going to count NC days but I think it might help my resolve in a few weeks time, if I start to struggle.

Lots of emotions churning through me this morning, not feeling quite as positive today; I'm in deep regret that I wasted 10 months of my life with this man. It all seems so utterly pointless now. I can't even justify it by saying it was worth it for the good times, because most of the time I was in such emotional turmoil. Why did I choose to put myself through this hell?!

I don't want this A to define me, to have a hold on me for the rest of my life. I'm worried it has changed me and I will have to live with this forever.

I've let my mind wander a bit too much this morning - thinking about what he's doing, how he's feeling, if he's going to try and get in touch. Thinking about him like this is definitely the most unhelpful thoughts I could have - I feel more positive when I'm focused on me and my recovery.

I've got IC this morning, hopefully that will help me back into a more positive state of mind. Then spending the day with friends and can forget about all of this, intermittedly! I am so grateful for my friends right now. They have been amazing. One of them gave me a get well soon card yesterday - it made me laugh so much!

 

I think we all feel quite strong, optimistic and brave at the beginning of NC and then a few days in the niggles of self doubt set in. It's one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I just read an interesting quote that said:

 

"Moving on is not forgetting, it is being able to remember without being hurt".

 

I think that's the aim for all of us!

[LondonGirl81]

I think we all feel quite strong, optimistic and brave at the beginning of NC and then a few days in the niggles of self doubt set in. It's one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I just read an interesting quote that said:

 

"Moving on is not forgetting, it is being able to remember without being hurt".

 

I think that's the aim for all of us!

 

Thanks Grey Cloud. I always noticed that when I had tried to finish with MM before, I'd be on a high for about 24 hours, and then the slump would come and I'd go into a very dark place, and within 3 days, one of us would be back in touch.

Fortunately, this time is different, because it's real this time! My feelings are very up and down at the moment, but for the first time since the A began, they feel manageable. I'm no longer in that so familiar,agonising place of being desperate to contact him, or desperate to hear from him. I used to find that almost paralysing - my mind and body would literally shut down! I'm so glad to be out of that! I have to admit, my mind does occasionally wander off into fantasy land, that there will be a letter waiting for me when I get home, or a text telling me that he can't live without me. But I'm more rational about these thoughts now - I realise they are not healthy, they are a totally fantasy, and it does not matter whether he is missing me or not. I do not need his validation. This is about me and my recovery.

I'm also dealing with the thought that I have let myself be totally used for 10 months. Was I just a body to him that he could have his needs and desires met with? Although I think there are elements of reality in this, I know it's not wholly true, and again, totally not worth spending my time and energy on.

Now it's just dealing with the sadness that this A happened, and that it's over. Just like when any relationship ends, I'm sad that the physical contact is gone, holding hands, lying in bed together for hours, skin on skin. I'm sad that the emotional connection is no longer there. But this sadness is a million times better than the massive highs, horrendous lows, the unknowing, the addiction, the phone obsessing, the anxiety. This sadness is real and I can feel it and manage it. The feelings I had whilst in the A were debilitating.

[elaine567]

I think in any break up, it is easier to manage if the implications and ramifications of staying are worse than leaving.

Once a person can get their head around that, then that becomes a firm rod to grab onto to help them haul themselves out of the despair.

 

Here it is clear cut, staying = prolonged agony for years and years with a man

who will not leave his wife and even if he did, could you ever trust him, would the fairy tale continue or would it just become "married life".

 

Sounds like you are doing well Londongirl81, you are on the right track, keep going.

[LondonGirl81]

Thanks for that link Elaine567. Considering how many hours of my life I have spent in the last 10 months reading about affairs and infidelity, I'm surprised I'd missed this one! It's a good article, and so true, thanks!

 

It reminded me ; during the A, I was obsessed with reading online about marital sex, boredom in marriage, divorce. I would spend hours online, searching through articles, subconsciously looking for something, anything, to give me hope that he would leave her for me. If I ever met anyone who was divorced, or even married couples, I wanted to know details about the relationship, to see if there were any comparisons, anything to give me hope. What a total waste of my head space!

 

Day 6 NC today. Things are OK. I feel like my guts have been ripped out, I feel scared, rejected and humiliated, but these aren't overwhelming me. There are also positive thoughts as well! My crazy fantasy thought this morning was that I sent his wife an anonymous text message, telling her to check her husbands phone bill over the past 10 months. I will just like to say very firmly that I'm NOT going to do this, but I just want to share my irrational crazy thoughts through this process. I want him to be caught, shamed and be as miserable as I am! He's really looking forward to going abroad for a couple of weeks (without wife/kids) soon, to visit some family and friends. It's basically an excuse to go on a massive drinking, hedonistic party. I'd love to send the text just before he leaves so I ruin it for him! This is obviously my anger coming out. Maybe day 6 NC is bunny boiler day! It'll pass.......

Edited April 17, 2016 by LondonGirl81

[LondonGirl81]

First day back at work today since ending the A. I was fortunate to end it when I had some time off, which gave me time to process it all. If I was still in the A, we would have spent the entire day in contact. We used to spend all day in touch - I would wait for my phone to start buzzing as soon as he'd left his house on a Monday morning. I both loved it and hated it. But this won't be happening today. It feels odd, there's a sense of loss and emptiness. But all of these habits need to be broken and the old patterns will hopefully soon be forgotten. Day 7 NC. It can only get easier.

[2016forme]

Congratulations on ending the toxic relationship with your married man. It is good that you are taking steps forward and making progress towards healing and learning to get past the hurt and pain that was associated with your married man. It seems as though that you used very sound reasoning in leaving your married man behind because it sounds as though his feelings for you are wishy-washy and flaky. Life is too short and precious to invest your time with someone else husband.

 

You don't deserve second best. Good luck with the healing process because it is going to take time. Best wishes to you in the future. Regards.

[LondonGirl81]

Thanks 2016forme. I swear the support of this forum is giving me the strength that I really didn't think I had. My head is clearer than it has been since starting the A. I felt sad yesterday, but it wasn't constant, and I'd rather feel this sadness than the constant obsessive thoughts I had when I was in it.

I really gave myself a break about the whole A situation: I'd be sad if any relationship had ended. I'd be wondering how my partner was feeling in any breakup situation. Whilst I know from the excruciating experience of being in A that it is so very, very different from being in a 'normal' romantic relationship, there are some feelings in it ending that are exactly the same as when I have ended relationships in the past. This actually made me feel better, and was a lot kinder and compassionate towards myself.

Ending an A is complicated: you have to get over the rejection that a man wants to be with someone else more than you, you have to forgive yourself for the precious time you gave to him and lost yourself in, dealing with the selfishness of sleeping with a MM with young children, you have to deal with the intense toxic addiction of an A, and alongside all of that, you've got to deal with a relationship ending. Very messy!

Edited April 19, 2016 by LondonGirl81

[LondonGirl81]

Need to post on here as I'm having a bad moment - sitting in the sunshine, trying to force my lunch down me - but feel sick. Wondering how he's feeling, what he's doing. Totally pointless, irrelevant, unhelpful things to think. Thinking that the void this has left is painful, but I know this is something I've got to get through. I know it will pass and I will hang on in there. Played through the scenario of reaching out to him, telling him I'm feeling terrible, but the end result will be more pain and back to square one in my recovery. I have to get through this and I will get through this. Getting through the painful moments will make me stronger. Resisting the addiction will make me stronger. I'm going to beat this. Day 9 NC - I'm refusing to go back to Day 1!

[Ms. Faust]

I think you just need to rehash every bad quality about him. Because truly, just going over the things you told us I don't see how anyone would think twice about this guy.

 

Alcoholic, gambler, cheater, liar, wannabe PUA, AND a creeper (yeah, there was something way creepy and weird about him faking an orgasm in front of his toddler). And most importantly, you yourself stated if he left his wife for you, you know he would have eventually cheated on you.

 

Stay strong! This guy is not worth any respectable woman's time.

[stilltrying16]

Need to post on here as I'm having a bad moment - sitting in the sunshine, trying to force my lunch down me - but feel sick. Wondering how he's feeling, what he's doing. Totally pointless, irrelevant, unhelpful things to think. Thinking that the void this has left is painful, but I know this is something I've got to get through. I know it will pass and I will hang on in there. Played through the scenario of reaching out to him, telling him I'm feeling terrible, but the end result will be more pain and back to square one in my recovery. I have to get through this and I will get through this. Getting through the painful moments will make me stronger. Resisting the addiction will make me stronger. I'm going to beat this. Day 9 NC - I'm refusing to go back to Day 1!

 

Londongirl, you are working through the pain so steadily- you're looking it straight in the eye and dealing with it. It will definitely pass, you will definitely hang on, and you will come out on the other side with pride in your resolve! I'm so glad you were out there in the sun! Surround yourself with natural light, and things gradually come into perspective.

 

Does it help to try out any of the classic strategies of dealing with obsessive thoughts? For instance, visualizing a huge stop sign when they begin and imagining it hovering in the background even if the thoughts won't stop right away? Or actively scheduling them but planning an all-consuming activity right after you've indulged them. Give them a fixed time period- say 10 minutes every x number of hours- and switch immediately to something guaranteed to distract you- eg physical action- when the time is up. I thought these tricks sounded hokey but then found they work for me.

 

Or plunge yourself into something that takes up all your focus, eg playing with animals. Get a new puppy or plan a trip to the zoo! I don't remember if you have little kids, because if you do of course they will fill any time you have to give! But even if you don't have kids, can you do outings with nieces, nephews, friends' kids, etc? Volunteer at an old people's home. Replace each feeling of guilt and shame with a concrete plan to do something that gives back to the universe- volunteer for something that matters to you?

 

You sound like a very empathetic person. I think it is that empathy that will keep you on track, but please don't use it to flagellate yourself. Ithink how you are handling things is amazing. Sending you strength and hugs!