I'm in so much pain! Finished with MM

[LondonGirl81]

Ps isn't the fact that you gave it all up during the affair indicative of your feelings of inauthenticity during that time and your deep down awareness of the effects of all this on your psyche? I am sure you have the tools and skills to fix this quite quickly. Good luck.

 

Thanks Cymbeline, and yes, I agree with your question above, me giving up all of my wellbeing during the affair shows how deeply toxic the A was to me. I was miserable during the A because I was addicted to him and the whole relationship was so bad for me. And now I am miserable after the affair because those addictive feelings are still there. I feel like I have poison running through my veins. I want to reach out to him, I want him to reach out to me, yet I have full awareness of how utterly awful the whole situation was. I'm struggling with this so much today (and for the last few days) and cannot wait for it to pass. It will be three weeks tomorrow from ending it with him and NC. I was hoping I'd be in a better place by now, but it seems I have been too optimistic with how long this will take.

[Girlfromcali]

Thanks for your support everyone. My feelings are confused at the moment - sometimes I feel like I didn't actually enjoy being in his company at all. I hated the fact that I was having an A, so all our communication and seeing each other was tinged with a deep rooted sadness. I wonder whether I was really myself with him - was I always just pretending to be happy and care free with him, but deep down I just wanted to curl up and cry? So, no, I never want that back. But what I miss and am longing for is the intimacy we shared. Whether it was real or not is of no issue, it was intense and all consuming, and I really, really miss it. I know that I could have it again at some point in my life, but that does not help fill the void I have now.

I hate the paths my thoughts choose to go down - I've woken up on Sunday morning and imagined him snuggling up with his wife in bed. Firstly what's the point in thinking these things, and secondly who ever knows what the reality is (knowing him like I do, he'll be lying in bed hungover while his wife tends to the toddlers). I want to stop this pointless rose-tinted imagery of his life and take some control of my thoughts.

 

This is something I felt too. As soon as the A started, I became depressed. It's such a crazy thought because who falls in love and becomes depressed? It's insanity.

When I met him (we only met twice, he lives far away thank god for that!), i was depressed and tried to put on a happy face. I didn't want this man who I was in love with seeing me depressed and pathetic, I wanted him to see the happy go lucky girl that he was attracted to.

When I left I cried the whole trip home. What kind of love story is that painful?

 

But even now a year after the break up when I talk to him on the phone, I immediately feel this warm fuzzy feeling inside my body. Like he is my home. Why do I feel such closeness to him? Why is it so easy to be around him?

 

When I met him the first time, he was picking me up with his friend, and his friend couldn't believe we've never met before. He said it looked like we've known each other forever. It always feels like that.

 

And other than that..everything you just said about control etc. I want the control of my emotions back so desperately.

 

Well, I think May is NC May

[lemondrop21]

It's O.K. Normal feelings. Sometimes I wish I had never met my fMM, and sometimes I wish he'd die. <- Lol..not really serious but it's just so frustrating sometimes. I remember one time when I was taking him to the airport and he said "what if this plane crashes and you never hear from me?" and I said "that would be great, because then I wouldn't have to think about you anymore".

YES, I can relate. Last week MM and a colleague had a huge blowout argument where both behaved, shall we say, "unprofessionally," and I had this momentary hopeful thought of "Could he get fired for that??" It would probably make my life loads better if he did.

 

Thanks for your support everyone. My feelings are confused at the moment - sometimes I feel like I didn't actually enjoy being in his company at all. I hated the fact that I was having an A, so all our communication and seeing each other was tinged with a deep rooted sadness. I wonder whether I was really myself with him - was I always just pretending to be happy and care free with him, but deep down I just wanted to curl up and cry? So, no, I never want that back. But what I miss and am longing for is the intimacy we shared. Whether it was real or not is of no issue, it was intense and all consuming, and I really, really miss it. I know that I could have it again at some point in my life, but that does not help fill the void I have now.

I hate the paths my thoughts choose to go down - I've woken up on Sunday morning and imagined him snuggling up with his wife in bed. Firstly what's the point in thinking these things, and secondly who ever knows what the reality is (knowing him like I do, he'll be lying in bed hungover while his wife tends to the toddlers). I want to stop this pointless rose-tinted imagery of his life and take some control of my thoughts.

The first bolded part above really touched me. I've felt like that too. Thank you for putting it so perfectly in words.

 

The second bolded part made me laugh. Also probably true in my MM's case.

[loveisanaction]

LondonGirl,

 

I've been following your thread and honestly, i think you're doing great. 3 weeks of NC is no small feat especially if prior you had contact with your affair partner every single day.

 

After reading hundreds of ow posts on here I can see that getting over an affair is the most miserable thing a person can go through; honestly, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

 

Most of the ow are so aggressively defensive of their married man and have intensely justified the reason for their affair that I almost feel a sense of sadness for them. Sometimes I want to shake them and say ‘Can you not see the harm that you are doing to yourself?’, but I realize that they are so deep in their affair fog it impossible for them to comprehend the situation that they’re in.

 

However, here you are, every day getting up in the morning and doing your best to get out of this affair. I’m reading your struggle and how you are desperately trying to move on using NC, I know it can't be easy. I commend you and I wish you well.

 

Your pain will pass and you will heal and move on….just don’t give up

[lemondrop21]

Yes, to second what LoveisanAction said, 3 weeks is a huge feat! I felt TERRIBLE at 3 weeks. You're doing great. Keep on keepin' on.

[LondonGirl81]

LondonGirl,

 

I've been following your thread and honestly, i think you're doing great. 3 weeks of NC is no small feat especially if prior you had contact with your affair partner every single day.

 

After reading hundreds of ow posts on here I can see that getting over an affair is the most miserable thing a person can go through; honestly, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

 

Most of the ow are so aggressively defensive of their married man and have intensely justified the reason for their affair that I almost feel a sense of sadness for them. Sometimes I want to shake them and say ‘Can you not see the harm that you are doing to yourself?’, but I realize that they are so deep in their affair fog it impossible for them to comprehend the situation that they’re in.

 

However, here you are, every day getting up in the morning and doing your best to get out of this affair. I’m reading your struggle and how you are desperately trying to move on using NC, I know it can't be easy. I commend you and I wish you well.

 

Your pain will pass and you will heal and move on….just don’t give up

 

Thank you for your supportive words loveisanaction. They've given me such a boost. It's hard to remember that I'm being strong by not acting on my addiction. I keep thinking that because of my thoughts, I am being so weak. You have really turned it around for me.

I spoke to a friend earlier who also gave me some good advice: however bad you are feeling you cannot contact him (he repeated that to me about 10 times!) Accept the pain, don't analyse it, just accept it's there. Keep going and it will pass.

[LondonGirl81]

3 weeks of NC today! Woohoo. As horrendous as its been, it's so worth it. The last few days have been unbearable, but felt loads better today. I forced myself to get up and go for a run (haven't done that since before the A) and I ran as fast and hard as I possibly could - trying to get the endorphins going and run the feelings out of me! Spent the day with lovely friends who have been amazing during this. One of them was in an A for 7 years, so she really gets it!

After lunch we stumbled across a shop selling bunches of sage, which is an old ancient way to supposedly cleanse you and your environment. So we went back to my house, burnt loads of sage all over my room and they waved it all over me (we were laughing our heads off, whilst trying not to burn the house down). Then I dug out a book that exAP bought me and we burnt it in the garden. It felt good, and we all felt like mad teenagers, but it was definitely therapeutic! Had one horrible wave of sadness today, but guess what? It passed!

[Girlfromcali]

Hey, NC can become our new addiction.

[afoolto no end]

I am proud of all of you going through this kind of withdrawal...You are sounding stronger by the day.......re-gainng your power over your own happiness again is the end game......

relationships enhance our lives, they aren't our life and shouldn't be.

You have to be good inside and able to be happy with yourself first to have the true understanding of what you can give someone else that is REAL.

It is the greatest gift to have something real that doesn't cause you sadness or grief, your working towards that.......

It is so sad to watch those in an affair settling for bits and pieces, it isn't right...that is not worth You or your life.......you deserve more

[OneMoreBW]

Please don't do this. For yourself. I bet you'll regret such childish behavior. Leave the wife in peace. She'll be as much as heartbroken as you and she didn't ask or was asked to be involved in this mess.

Let life itself decide if she will know one day.

You don't need this to move on, you don't need this to diminish your pain, and you don't need this to make you a happier person. Just leave her alone and give you time.

In one year you'll see what time can do for a broken heart. Let time heal you.

[OneMoreBW]

Good for you LondonGirl81.

Burn everything that can remind you of this affair.

Learn your lesson and move on. Don't let being the OW be a stigma in your life.

 

I'm a BW and learnt they (my H and the OW) were together for 4 years before she gets pregnant.

 

Nowadays my husband and I are still married and going to couples therapy (I offered him divorce but he beg to stay). I pray for her and her daughter. I truly hope them to be happy just not with the cost of my family and my own happiness. I hope every single day she can find someone who truly loves her and take care of her and her kid (if my H truly loved her, he would file for divorce before bring an innocent life in this mess). I feel pity for her for getting in such a trap heart can play on women. She is there, all alone, single mother of a 2yo daughter but she is the one who plant this situation and now is harvest time.

Luckily you lost only 1 year on this jerk man.

Your friend lost precious 7 years.

Move on with your life. Be strong.

[LondonGirl81]

I'm half way through week 3 of NC. On the whole I'm feeling loads better. Still daily waves of pain, but I have been dealing with them. Going to IC and having amazing friends has helped so much. However, just been seriously triggered at work and it's taken me a few steps back. ExMM works in the same place as me (but on different days), and I've just seen a project he's working on that that he could use as a reason to contact me, or at the very least, communicate through other people about. It's really triggered me and has got my mind whirring. I feel like it's a bomb waiting to go off, but equally, might not and has left me feeling anxious. I won't break NC, but have to be ready to deal with this if he does use it to get in touch. I won't ever go back to him physically, and I know I've got to find every ounce of strength and resolve to not let this suck me back in emotionally. I feel really strong, but can clearly see how this could temporarily suck me back in if I don't manage it with a clear, level head. If he does get in touch, I will have to dig deep and get as much support as I can to get through it. Not only do I not want him physically, I don't want to get back into the toxic texting game.

Edited May 5, 2016 by LondonGirl81

[Chuff]

We've got your back.

 

Stay strong! You can do this.

 

One day at a time. One hour, if need be.

 

You've got this!!!! xoxo

[bewell]

Yes, I do have a suggestion.

Do not hope, try, or expect to "cool" these emotions down.

Only two days after breaking up any relationship, it is nothing but foolish to expect to not feel pain.

 

On top, if you have read even a dozen threads in this OW/OM forums, then you must recognize that there's something in the very dynamic of an affair relationship that creates a mysteriously unbearable and inexplicably intolerable pain in the OW/OM.

 

Don't expect others to understand your pain. But take comfort in knowing that there are many, MANY others who can relate to what you are going through.

 

So, expect to feel the pain, the suffering, the mourning, the loss, the grief for a while.

Your biggest mistake at this point is to think you can get any suggestion after TWO days of the break up.

 

While I'm sure I'm sounding harsh, what I'm trying to tell you is that don't fight the pain. It's a very natural part int he grieving process.

 

It may not help you at this point, but I must say, reading your post I feel that of all the OW posts I have read here, yours have come across as the most "hopeful". You are clearly strong and clear-minded enough to even have the courage to ask MM directly the ultimate question and based on his answer you were strong enough to end the relationship.

 

I hope you can recognize how STRONG you really are to be able to do that. Most, myself included, stayed, got dragged, and strung along helplessly for months and years, until there was no energy to keep going.

 

The second biggest and the most important suggestion I will make to you is:

PREPARE, prepare, prepare,

to hear from the MM again. He will break NC and try to pull you back again.

 

Now that you have ended the relationship, give it a bit of time to mourn and then heal. Allow time to heal you.

 

You will be ok. You are already stronger than you realize. You will find someone who can make you his number one.

 

 

I am so not looking forward to this. I can only hope and pray that he leaves me alone for good. My xMM has a history of breaking NC and is very bad at it. However I have reasons to believe that I won't ever hear from him again. He's back with his W and he didn't even tell me. I had to find out on my own through detective work. I am new here and I can't even write my story for everyone to read. It's that ugly and painful at the same time. 2.5 years of me invested in a man who I thought loved me just as the same.

[LondonGirl81]

We've got your back.

 

Stay strong! You can do this.

 

One day at a time. One hour, if need be.

 

You've got this!!!! xoxo

 

Thanks so much Chuff - this means so much right now.

I've got my emotions in check again. It was a total accident that I found out about the details of this project he's doing at work today, and I am 99% sure he's manufacturing it to trigger or contact me. He'll have no idea I know about it, so, as my friend just rightly pointed out, I'm one step ahead of the b******. I'm prepared and ready!

[Chuff]

Any update LG? How did the project go yesterday?

 

Sending you strength for today!!

[LondonGirl81]

Hi Chuff,

The event that he's working on isn't for another 6 weeks - I stumbled across his planning for it and had seen that he wants to get some of my work involved. So my concern is at any time in the next few weeks he will use it as an excuse to get me! I'm hoping he's just using it as a trigger so that I break my NC and I end up contacting him. My friends think he might be too scared to get in touch with me! Fingers crossed!

[elaine567]

Hi Chuff,

The event that he's working on isn't for another 6 weeks - I stumbled across his planning for it and had seen that he wants to get some of my work involved. So my concern is at any time in the next few weeks he will use it as an excuse to get me! I'm hoping he's just using it as a trigger so that I break my NC and I end up contacting him. My friends think he might be too scared to get in touch with me! Fingers crossed!

 

As you know in advance you can get yourself prepared for it.

YOU don't want to go back there and go through all this pain again, do you? You need to protect yourself.

Instead of worrying incessantly about it and then being a jelly when he does call, you get a back bone, you think out how you can get over this contact and how you can survive intact and come out the other side unscathed.

He doesn't own you, you are your own woman, a woman with a career that you need to protect as well.

Do not lie prostrate on the ground waiting for him to run a truck over you. Be prepared.

[LondonGirl81]

Just thinking about NC and thought I'd post.....

It definitely is the ONLY way for me to break free. I could not do this if I were still in touch with him. Each day gets easier. The strength that you build up is quite a fast process. Although the intensity of the sadness is still suffocating, the more days of NC you have behind you, the less likely you are to mess it all up by contacting them.

The biggest struggle I have with NC is not with wanting to reach out to him, but the anxiety of whether I'll hear from him. I feel like I am always on high alert, especially on days where our contact was continuous. But as each of these days passes and I don't hear from him, I think my brain is starting to form new habits.

Blocking him wasn't an option for me - when I blocked him before I always broke NC, I don't know why. I also can't because of work. So I have just had to trust that he will respect my wishes, and so far, it seems like he has.

I can't wait for the day that I just don't care anymore, and if his name ever flashed up on my screen, I wouldn't even flinch. Not that I have his real name saved in my phone - he is now saved as Disgusting W*****!!!!!

[loveisanaction]

Hey LondonGirl,

 

You're doing great girl.

 

Something to make you smile.

 

Last year i had a little crush on this guy (single) who sometimes does contract work for the building i work for. We flirted here and there, exchanged numbers but he never called. Every time he would come to the building to do work (maybe once every other month or so) he would make excuses as to why he hadn't called.

 

2 weeks ago, after not seeing him for about 4 months, he comes with the same story. As we are talking i said very kindly 'Victor, it's okay that you haven't called. I'm totally cool with it, no worries at all', he says 'Who's Victor? My name is Thomas'

 

I was so embarrassed. I had completely forgotten his name....

[LondonGirl81]

Hey LondonGirl,

 

You're doing great girl.

 

Something to make you smile.

 

Last year i had a little crush on this guy (single) who sometimes does contract work for the building i work for. We flirted here and there, exchanged numbers but he never called. Every time he would come to the building to do work (maybe once every other month or so) he would make excuses as to why he hadn't called.

 

2 weeks ago, after not seeing him for about 4 months, he comes with the same story. As we are talking i said very kindly 'Victor, it's okay that you haven't called. I'm totally cool with it, no worries at all', he says 'Who's Victor? My name is Thomas'

 

I was so embarrassed. I had completely forgotten his name....

 

Hahaha! That's brilliant! I know there will be a time when my exMM will be a distant memory. A memory that will not be full of pain, but one that has taught me so much. There will be a time when I look back and be so grateful that I chose to end this, I stayed strong and didn't go back, and I escaped this horrible, selfish man. I also hope that one day I might meet a good man who I am in a loving relationship with and wonder why I was ever attracted to such a deceitful loser.

[LondonGirl81]

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks of NC, one whole month - I feel like I should have a party! I've woken up on a Sunday morning and not in agony. This is the first time this has happened, so there's hope! I actually tried to test myself and think about him, think about him at home with his wife and kids, and there's just nothing there today.

I'm not, however, in a position to get too complacent of my recovery - last night I was at a friends and a song came on that me and xMM listened to in bed and started dancing around to. I went totally crazy when the song came on and made her turn it off immediately!! Music is such a trigger - I'm too scared to listen to any at the moment!

[Grey Cloud]

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks of NC, one whole month - I feel like I should have a party! I've woken up on a Sunday morning and not in agony. This is the first time this has happened, so there's hope! I actually tried to test myself and think about him, think about him at home with his wife and kids, and there's just nothing there today.

I'm not, however, in a position to get too complacent of my recovery - last night I was at a friends and a song came on that me and xMM listened to in bed and started dancing around to. I went totally crazy when the song came on and made her turn it off immediately!! Music is such a trigger - I'm too scared to listen to any at the moment!

 

It's so strange how recovery and healing can be so up and down. It's been almost 3 months since I last saw my xMM in person (apart from when I saw him and his wife randomly at the shops a couple of weeks ago and I hid in an aisle!), but yesterday was a crippling day. I felt teary most of the day. Not because I wanted him back but it's like the addiction reared it's ugly head and no matter what I did I couldn't stop thinking about the A. And only a few days before this I was feeling almost back to "normal". Today I feel better again. You just can't predict sometimes! I guess the main thing is that the good days start overtaking the bad!

[LondonGirl81]

It's so strange how recovery and healing can be so up and down. It's been almost 3 months since I last saw my xMM in person (apart from when I saw him and his wife randomly at the shops a couple of weeks ago and I hid in an aisle!), but yesterday was a crippling day. I felt teary most of the day. Not because I wanted him back but it's like the addiction reared it's ugly head and no matter what I did I couldn't stop thinking about the A. And only a few days before this I was feeling almost back to "normal". Today I feel better again. You just can't predict sometimes! I guess the main thing is that the good days start overtaking the bad!

 

Sorry to hear you've been feeling rough Grey Cloud. The pain of addiction, longing and obsession is just awful. For me it comes in waves. I might get an image in my head of us together, maybe a memory together, maybe missing the chats, the intimacy. Sometimes I have images of what he's doing now. I hate the feelings it evokes in me. It just feels like such a huge loss. As soon as I'm distracted, I feel OK. My psychotherapist friend has advised me to observe these feelings, but not get carried along with the narrative. You can't shut these feelings down, but I guess it's learning to manage them in the healthiest way you can. Obviously distraction is always good, but I wonder if it actually helps with the processing and healing. My way of coping is to remember that I chose to end this, and I would much rather be feeling sad because I'm in the process of healing and recovering. This is way better than the addiction, sadness and despair I felt when I was in the A. I have chosen to end something that was having such a negative impact on my life. The choice I have made, however painful, is undoubtedly the right one.

[Iaminnocentgul]

London Girl: Surprisingly the pattern of our xMM are exactly the same. Infact the words they used to get us back or the words they used to explain their marriage are exactly the same. You won't believe me everything you mentioned is same. You sunday situation, kids situation, wife situation. LOL. Seeing this similarity, on a funny side, I feel as if we were dating same person.

I was in your situation and I did exactly this thing every 3 months but I failed. And I continued this drama for ~3years.

I have dumped him with NC since 2 weeks. I am in same emotional and physical state as you are in right now but maybe not fresh as your's. We will HAVE to follow NC dear. And we will have to break the stupid thought of been friends. Talking like friends will not help. Even counsellors are saying the same. We will have to listen to others as of now. Else we will be shattered. Don't end up like me wasting years. You have just wasted 10 months. Don't waste even a day else you might end up regretting like me - year wastage (in our case we and our xMM are sailing the same emotional boat; hence i say). Every person in this forum who is advising NC and no friendship, is totally right. We are brainwashed by xMM. Atleast accept this problem and then tune ourselves to listen to such people who are out of this relation and advising for our good.

We both are crying out eyes out. We both are down. We both are lying onbed and reading the forums and possibly every article on the net. This is a constructive sign. We WANT to come out and we WILL come out. We WILL be happy and we WILL get OUR man someday. Hopefully our new man will not behave the same way as our xMM did.