I'm in so much pain! Finished with MM

[jenkins95]

London Girl

 

We're here for you. We know you are in hell, but you are doing amazingly well. Keep going.

 

It's very difficult to find any comfort right now, I totally get that, but please take a little bit from knowing that what you are experiencing, on day 9 of NC, is completely normal and to be expected.

 

You are on a well trodden and fairly predictable path and any number of members who have trodden that path could have predicted the nature of your message today on day 9.

 

By the same token, those same members can predict that on day 100, if you stay strong and keep to the path, you will be on here reporting that you feel noticeably better.

 

I'm now well after day 100 and I regularly have runs of several reasonably good days, then I my have a tough one where I need support, then an emotional one, then another good one, etc. The point is, this is a million miles away from the devastation of day1....or day 9. A million miles.....in the right direction. I can't tell you how good an undisturbed night of sleep feels like when you haven't had one in weeks or months - you will get there too!

 

Keep going. It is taking every ounce of your strength, effort and resolve, I know it. But stay where you are! You are amazing and we are here for you.

 

Keep posting.

 

J

Edited April 20, 2016 by jenkins95

[stilltrying16]

I think you just need to rehash every bad quality about him. Because truly, just going over the things you told us I don't see how anyone would think twice about this guy.

 

Alcoholic, gambler, cheater, liar, wannabe PUA, AND a creeper (yeah, there was something way creepy and weird about him faking an orgasm in front of his toddler). And most importantly, you yourself stated if he left his wife for you, you know he would have eventually cheated on you.

 

Stay strong! This guy is not worth any respectable woman's time.

 

Oh my goodness, I didn't realize any of this. Wow. I agree with Ms. Faust: even if he had been available he wouldn't have been worth your time.

 

You're lucky in one way: it would harder to get over someone you still respected!

[privategal]

Im so excited for you.

Seems odd to say since I see that you are broken and even in the sunshine you feel sad.

I remember those moments Id turn on my phone desperately hoping there couldbe a message, some contact, I always took my lunchbreak alone outside and we'd chat via email the whole hour and it was the highlight of mu day. Then nothing.

Now...theres still those moments sometimes but Im closer to not longing or caring.

Ive become used to the solitude.

The time is mine now.

Was thinking you can plan a vaca and put a picture at your desk to dream about the trip.

You should bring headphones and play some cool music of some artist you love from youtube on your break.

Or instead of sitting you could eat and walk...might as well burn calories and build self confidence.

Maybe you could apply for new jobs or maybe even relocate.

Or reorganize a cheery little corner of your living room or bedroom or patio to create a little oasis.

If you like to journal or even doodle or scribble...buy a beautiful empty notebook from the bookstore.

I can just feel it you are going to be in a good place soon.

He is in the same old, same old marriage and raising a toddler and likely miserable. But who even cares if he was blissfully happy...he was no longer making YOU happy.

Keep going...keep STRONG in NC.

Everyone on the boards who broke it regretted it deeply.

Imagine if you had to say...back to square one...so daunting...but nope you are almost to day 10..then 20 days away from a full month!

That is HARD to do but will be a great victory and you will be SO PROUD and so much more healed.

Dont rush. If you need to cry at lunch...do so. Ive gone to my car, and bawled my eyes out MANY times.

Though that is hard and sad...I was/am getting it all out and its helping.

I see my xeap blocking it, pushing it down and away, staying busy, forcing it out of mind, ignoring it until it goes away...but it doesnt work that way.

Id rather greive really hard and let it all rise to the surface and face it so I will be over it and be stronger for it! Hugs!

[jenkins95]

privategal, there you are again inspiring people! It's so wonderful to see your positivity in recent posts! I'm on the verge of tears! I'm so proud of you.

 

LG, you'll get there too, and as privategal suggest, it's so exciting to think about your future once you break these chains - and you will. Take inspiration from this wonderful LS member!

 

Im so excited for you.

Seems odd to say since I see that you are broken and even in the sunshine you feel sad.

I remember those moments Id turn on my phone desperately hoping there couldbe a message, some contact, I always took my lunchbreak alone outside and we'd chat via email the whole hour and it was the highlight of mu day. Then nothing.

Now...theres still those moments sometimes but Im closer to not longing or caring.

Ive become used to the solitude.

The time is mine now.

Was thinking you can plan a vaca and put a picture at your desk to dream about the trip.

You should bring headphones and play some cool music of some artist you love from youtube on your break.

Or instead of sitting you could eat and walk...might as well burn calories and build self confidence.

Maybe you could apply for new jobs or maybe even relocate.

Or reorganize a cheery little corner of your living room or bedroom or patio to create a little oasis.

If you like to journal or even doodle or scribble...buy a beautiful empty notebook from the bookstore.

I can just feel it you are going to be in a good place soon.

He is in the same old, same old marriage and raising a toddler and likely miserable. But who even cares if he was blissfully happy...he was no longer making YOU happy.

Keep going...keep STRONG in NC.

Everyone on the boards who broke it regretted it deeply.

Imagine if you had to say...back to square one...so daunting...but nope you are almost to day 10..then 20 days away from a full month!

That is HARD to do but will be a great victory and you will be SO PROUD and so much more healed.

Dont rush. If you need to cry at lunch...do so. Ive gone to my car, and bawled my eyes out MANY times.

Though that is hard and sad...I was/am getting it all out and its helping.

I see my xeap blocking it, pushing it down and away, staying busy, forcing it out of mind, ignoring it until it goes away...but it doesnt work that way.

Id rather greive really hard and let it all rise to the surface and face it so I will be over it and be stronger for it! Hugs!

[jenkins95]

Oh my goodness, I didn't realize any of this. Wow. I agree with Ms. Faust: even if he had been available he wouldn't have been worth your time.

 

You're lucky in one way: it would harder to get over someone you still respected!

 

I totally agree stilltrying. LG is so much better off without this guy. It's difficult to see people's faults when you are in love, but months from now she will be so glad she stopped this toxic R. I reckon she will question what she ever saw in him.

[Ms. Faust]

Oh my goodness, I didn't realize any of this. Wow. I agree with Ms. Faust: even if he had been available he wouldn't have been worth your time.

 

You're lucky in one way: it would harder to get over someone you still respected!

 

LondonGirl had a strong moment of clarity earlier in the thread, and when she started highlighting the bad things about him it was jaw dropping.

 

 

The things I have been thinking about, thought often about and want to get off my chest:

 

- He is totally repulsed about being married. He doesn't wear a wedding ring. He hates thinking of himself as a married man. It is almost impossible to tell that he is married because he is so embarrassed that he has been so conventional to get married.

 

- He cheated on his wife before they got married She took him back and then they went on to get married and have kids.

 

- since being married he has had a one night stand and a couple of very minor things (no sex). But for the last severalyears nothing has happened. He said he feels like he has been suppressing himself and he can't bear the thought of only being with his wife for the rest of his life. He loves women, and also has no respect for them. He looks and speaks of them like sex objects. This is something I'm struggling to see why I put up with. I would imagine he doesn't behave like this in front of his wife, but thought it was OK to do that in front of me. I think he was trying to make me jealous.

 

- I asked him if his wife was suspicious, and he said she's either totally burying her head in the sand, or she truly trusts him, which is strange considering he has cheated before.

 

- I was always obsessed with whether him and his wife still had sex. Early on in our relationship he was a bit drunk and said they rarely had sex and when they did it was just boring. He always said it was just a physical act and nothing more. But a few days ago (I think was also part of me ending it) he said they had sex a couple of times a week, on average. He said he's always wanted more but he gets accused of being a sex addict. I'm not sure whether he has the traits of a true sex addict, but it wouldn't surprise me if there was some thing in that considering he is prone to drinking/gambling/smoking. He is definitely hyper sexual - he desires sex all the time and would happily to do it 3 times a day, given the opportunity.

 

I think that's it for now! It's really helping to just write all of this down on here. Thanks everyone! X

[privategal]

I feel alot of hope for her!!

Everyone just keep surrounding her with good thoughts. She is close to a real fresh new start. These are the things that get me excited. Hang in girl, just keep going, cry through it even, healing doesnt have to be easy or pretty!

This guy did you a FAVOR!

Listen to "best thing I never had" by Beyonce

[LondonGirl81]

Ms Faust, stilltrying16, jenkins95, privategal: THANK YOU. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I was having a bad moment and you have got me through it. Reading your posts pulled me out and my feelings are more regulated again, and I have optimism and hope. Being able to get support on this forum when the clouds go dark gives me the energy and hope to keep me ploughing ahead with this. Thank you, thank you. You're all amazing. I hope I can be as supportive as you guys when I'm feeling in a stable position to offer advice.

[jenkins95]

You sound so lovely LG! You will be just fine - I feel it!

 

I'm sure one day soon you will be able to offers excellent, supportive, loving, caring advice to others and share the benefit of your horrible experience.

 

For now, let us help take care of you! You are doing amazingly well and you deserve lots of support and (((hugs)))!

[LondonGirl81]

Woooahhhhh this is so hard! The NC addiction/withdrawal is so intense. I literally feel like someone I've seen in a film when people are coming off drugs. Had a difficult day as I was working at the same place he does (luckily we work on different days). First day there since ending it/NC. Today would've normally been a constant texting day, talking about work etc, messing around, being silly. I felt sad that we weren't in touch, but I also could see how much better I am at my job now he's not in my life! I was never in the moment, I used to do everything with my phone attached to me, constantly checking, constantly texting. That's no way to live. I came home and got straight into bed (had a few drinks with friends last night and didn't sleep well). Was writhing around in agony and wanted someone to get a big syringe and extract the poison from my body. Was wondering how I was going to get through it, and then a lovely friend phoned to check up on me, and another has just asked to meet for dinner. I suddenly feel ok. You have to ride out these awful addiction NC moments! They will pass! And I'm one small step closer to freedom! Day 10 is done. My first day back at my trigger work place is done. There's no going back!

[LondonGirl81]

Listen to "best thing I never had" by Beyonce

 

I have had this on repeat for the entire day, full volume. Thanks Privategal!

[2016forme]

Thanks 2016forme. I swear the support of this forum is giving me the strength that I really didn't think I had. My head is clearer than it has been since starting the A. I felt sad yesterday, but it wasn't constant, and I'd rather feel this sadness than the constant obsessive thoughts I had when I was in it.

I really gave myself a break about the whole A situation: I'd be sad if any relationship had ended. I'd be wondering how my partner was feeling in any breakup situation. Whilst I know from the excruciating experience of being in A that it is so very, very different from being in a 'normal' romantic relationship, there are some feelings in it ending that are exactly the same as when I have ended relationships in the past. This actually made me feel better, and was a lot kinder and compassionate towards myself.

Ending an A is complicated: you have to get over the rejection that a man wants to be with someone else more than you, you have to forgive yourself for the precious time you gave to him and lost yourself in, dealing with the selfishness of sleeping with a MM with young children, you have to deal with the intense toxic addiction of an A, and alongside all of that, you've got to deal with a relationship ending. Very messy!

 

Hello London girl 81. We are so happy to hear that you are learning to move past your affair with your married man. I'm happy that you are not in denial like some of the other stories I have read on other sites. It really becomes sickening because we sometimes read stories of how the other woman is smitten with her MM. She eats, breathe and sleep around her MM.Her whole entire life revolves around her MM. When I have read those stories, (for example) I have discovered that relationships with MM are addictive and toxic. Some of these women are in further denial because they feel that there is hope in holding on to something that will never happen for them. Sadly, they will argue with the average person and say that we don't know the situation and that we are wrong. I feel bad for them because of their denial. They often refuse to seek counseling because the counselor will tell them (the other woman) that she needs to let go of her affair with her MM. To be honest, those women don't want to hear the truth from people. When someone calls them out and is brutally honest with them, they want to call you or me a troll because people don't agree with some other woman lurking around a married man.

 

Likewise, the healing process for you is going to take time. It won't happen overnight. You can learn how to forgive yourself first. This is one of the ways that some people begin the healing process. Surround yourself with love and support. And don't forget to pamper yourself. For example, you can go shopping, go to the movies, the museum, go for a jog, and other social events. This will occupy your mind so that you will feel good about yourself.

 

Find love within yourself and the rest will follow. Please keep us posted on your progress. Cheers.

[Girlfromcali]

During my A, I didn't care about anything/anyone else, I literally forgot that world outside of him even existed. I didn't do anything, wasn't interested in anything else. When the A ended, it was so difficult because I didn't have anything to do anymore. My obsession had been my whole life.

 

I still find it difficult. I avoided all my friends, I wasn't interested in keeping any other relationships. The only reason I would do things or see friends was so that I could send him pictures of me "pretending" to be normal. I didn't want him to think I was a nut.

 

Although, he enjoyed the fact that I was obsessed/in love with him. He loved that. He had the control and he liked it. Also, he went on living his normal life. He wasn't affected one bit. He did a lot of things, got new jobs, hang out with family and friends etc.

 

I lost my self in the A. I avoided everyone and everything. All I did was stalked him in the social media. It was the most pathetic thing ever. And it still hasn't ended. I'm scared that I'm stuck in this limbo forever.

[LondonGirl81]

Thank you for your supportive words 2016forme. Very much appreciated and I am in full agreement!

Girlfromcali, I can empathise with a lot of that. Before the A, I was very active with lots of interest, but during the A, I just did not have the time to look after myself - when the addiction and obsession takes hold, there's no room for anything else.

I never let my exAP think he had the upper hand. I did everything in my power to keep in wondering, guessing, pining for me, and it worked. I used to drive him nuts with refusing to see him, cancelling him, only seeing him on my terms, making it as difficult as possible. It was just a game and an exhausting one- because the reality was I was completely out of control, and playing a game that I would never 'win'. This is now helping me in my recovery - as if a real relationship is about games, or winners and losers.

Luckily I have a wonderful group of friends who have supported me on this journey, never judged or critised. I remember I couldn't read this forum when I was in the A, because I couldn't face the reality of the situation. If I hadn't had reached rock bottom and given my AP the ultimatum, I'd probably still be in it. After hearing his words that he would not be leaving his wife/kids for me, there's no going back for me.

[Girlfromcali]

I never let my AP know he had the upper hand, either. That's why I'd send him pictures of me having "fun" with friends, taking vacations (I didn't enjoy any of it because all I thought about was him) etc. so he'd thought I was happy. I can't stand the idea of him "winning", it's like a sick game.

Now we are "friends", I won't let him say anything personal or emotional, just very superficial, I text him maybe once a week. I promise to myself, I will wait two weeks this time...it really is like a withdrawal.

[Girlfromcali]

Let me add that in the beginning I did let myself be vulnerable because I wanted him to know the "real me". It was important for me that he knew my imperfections etc. When I knew it was over, I never did it again. Since then I have suffered in silence.

[LondonGirl81]

It sounds like you're still in the game Girlfromcali - waiting for 2 weeks to text him? Can you not abandon game plan? 'Winning' would be to never ever have any contact with him again, and therefore winning your life back

[Girlfromcali]

It sounds like you're still in the game Girlfromcali - waiting for 2 weeks to text him? Can you not abandon game plan? 'Winning' would be to never ever have any contact with him again, and therefore winning your life back

 

Of course that would be ideal and I make those plans all the time but I never follow through.

[LondonGirl81]

Of course that would be ideal and I make those plans all the time but I never follow through.

 

I understand. when you're in the grips of it, it takes nothing short of a lobotomy to not get in contact.

[Girlfromcali]

I understand. when you're in the grips of it, it takes nothing short of a lobotomy to not get in contact.

 

I wish I could get a lobotomy or the very least go to a coma. The only problem is that when I wake up from the coma, I'll be in the same place. This way, at least I'm progressing and going to the right direction, even though it seems to be snails pace.

It has been ten months since we broke up.

I watched Swingers while back, and it took the guy six months to get over his ex. So I assumed it would take me six months.

However, since I have been reading these stories here, I have realized that affairs are emotionally more damaging that normal break ups. I wish I had known that before I started my A. I had the false sense of superiority since I thought I was cold as ice, and strong, and nobody could ever mess with my emotions. Boy was I wrong.

[LondonGirl81]

Day 12 NC! Can't believe I've made it this far! The last few days have been a real struggle. The addiction and the need for validation can feel so intense at times. Got to sit this out. Posting on here keeps me strong, focused and determined. I will do everything it takes to not go back to the misery of being in an affair.

[afoolto no end]

I have to say so far I am proud of you, it finally looks like you have a greater need to respect yourself.......It is sad to say but I am almost positive your adultery partner has probably already scoped out his next victim........

My guess is everything you heard about his wife family life was a lie, my guess is it is a very happy situation over there, guys like this are very seasoned at manipulating lying to get everything they need........

The end game for them is what they need and their entitlement.

I think as time passes you will become very embarrassed to have been conned like you were, it is very easy to be manipulated with just the right words you needed to hear..........

You fell for it, but you have learned a valuable lesson that will follow you the rest of your life........

Adultery hurts everyone, can you image his children's faces if they would have known the real truth.....it's heartbreaking he didn't care about that himself, he doesn't deserve them......

Just because he is bored, unbelievable, you got lucky girl to get out some affair last years and have the same outcome as yours......they waste so much of their own lives on what, to hear oh I can't leave my family, kids, financial the list goes on and on.......

You got the truth early, got lucky.......stay that way........I want you to say yes to all outings from all people except him of course and see where life leads you..letting the mind be open to life.....for you.........do things on that bucket list it's never to early to start........enjoy your days, find that joy..

[LondonGirl81]

It's Day 13 NC, but more significantly for me, I've made it through a whole week of triggers and reminders, and I have survived. There have been intense periods of sadness, but also moments of being back to my old self - good things happening at work and laughing with friends, without the background noise of him.

I'm not so good at being on my own, so my goal this week is to start doing things for myself, rather than relying on friends and work to keep me distracted. I had to force myself to do the hoovering and washing today, how silly is that, but it's just getting on with these mundane tasks alone instead of ruminating that might bring me another step closer to feeling whole again. I've got a couple of holidays booked which meant nothing to me during the A, but now I will start to plan and look forward to them.

A bit of mind out pouring I'd like to put on here, just to off load: I knew my exAP for many years (through work) before the A started. I always liked him as he is very funny, but I was never in anyway interested in him. I was thinking back to how I thought of him then, and I remember thinking what an unhappy existence he must have. He never wanted to talk of his wife and kids to anyone, and was desperate for people to see him as a single man, rather than a family man. He always wanted to go out drinking with people after work. I remember actually feeling sorry for him - how miserable he was that he was so desperate to not go home. I bumped into him once and he was carrying his baby, and he was absolutely horrified. Again, I had no feelings for him back then and was so happy to meet his daughter and ask him how it was all going, but he was just so shifty and embarrassed. I walked off thinking how weird and worrying his behaviour was. When we were in the A, he admitted that he was so embarrassed that I saw him as he didn't want me to see him as a family man.

Sorry for the rant.....getting this out on here is good therapy for me!

[Chuff]

Well done, LondonGirl! Rock on with your bad self!!!

[stilltrying16]

This is so fantastic, LondonGirl! I'm really really happy for you. Those memories we put aside consciously or unconsciously because they interfere with the narrative we are constructing about the affair- it's amazing how much new perspective they bring when they come flooding back! It is very sad that he couldn't be simply happy or proud when you (and you were just an acquaintance/colleague then) saw him holding his baby girl. It's pretty messed up- & it's so great you are wading your way out of his life!!!

 

Just one thing: it might not be relevant to you at all, but I mention it just in case. When I worked hard at & was in the process of overcoming an addiction, a time would come when I felt celebratory and happy. But after that time the slightest doubt or slip-up would disproportionately disappoint me. Those very same doubts before I reached that feeling of triumph would not have put me off my stride- they would have felt like par for the course. Over time I learned to recognize this self-defeating pattern in me- and learned not to use my own high points in recovery to inflate the significance of the occasional backsliding. I don't know if it works that way for you, but if it does, please don't let it! Continue to have faith in yourself. It takes a lot of strength to get to where you are now. If a moment of self-doubt intrudes, don't let it overwhelm you- it will pass.

 

You are very strong. So happy for you. :bunny: :bunny:

Edited April 24, 2016 by stilltrying16