Fence sitting...need to get off

[Caps1275]

Hi! I've been two years out of a 20yr married relationship, divorced last September. I have two kids, 14 and 16 and we share custody. The split was amicable, but not mutual. I wanted to work on things, he couldn't wait to get out. We didn't use lawyers, just mediation, and things were and still remain friendly, even better now, actually, since we don't have the pressures of an intimate relationship between us.

 

I've had one serious relationship since the breakup that lasted about eight months and it did not end well. In hindsight, I rushed into that relationship and stayed in it waaaay past its expiry date. I was scared, alone, needed validation to feel worthy, and tried to have a relationship with someone when I was a complete stranger to myself.

 

Fast forward to the present day...my ex-husband desperately wants me back. He has admitted to realizing the grass wasn't greener, he walked away too quickly, and he now realizes all he threw away and how valuable it really was. At first I felt vindication, relief, and excitement. We could fix things, heal our relationship, stop having to share the kids and ship them off to our respective houses every two weeks, have the dual incomes again...in other words, get our lives back, but better, stronger, smarter.

 

But I've changed I said I would give reconciliation a try. A lot of times I feel the potential, the possibility of us being able to work things out. But soon after agreeing to counseling sessions and spending time together with the ex, I realized that I am happy NOW. I've done extensive individual counseling, (very extensive lol) and have worked nonstop on getting to know ME, and I have very surprisingly found myself at a point where I am self-sufficient financially and emotionally. I no longer seek outside validation - the urge is no longer even there. I have my own back and I love myself enough without having to have it confirmed by a man. I am slowly filling my life with the people and things I love to do and it's so PEACEFUL and joyful and I am in love with my life and myself for the first time ever. I feel whole, in control, assertive, alive.

 

BUT...I'm struggling with the chance presented here to have my family back together. I only see the kids every two weeks right now and it's very hard on me. The relationship with my ex was never horrible. We were and are a tight-knit family and we've always always put our kids first, no matter what the issues were between us then and now. My daughter has hinted that she wishes she didn't have to pack things up every two weeks and go back and forth between the houses. But I only feel strong friendship towards my ex He's kissed me a couple times and it was like kissing a close friend or a brother...sigh. I did explain that to him and he was hurt but says he understands, considering how he left and how insensitive he was throughout and afterwards.

 

I guess what I'm seeking advice on is if I try to give this a chance in hopes the feelings return?? Can they come back?? I don't know what the future will hold for me. Right now, I just want ME. I just want to discover what I love and need and enjoy. I really have no desire to even date, to put myself out there, to share my life with anyone right now. I know I eventually will. But I also know this potential and offer to have my family back together has a time limit. The ex is doing everything right, trying not to pressure, going to counseling, taking responsibility for his actions. But it feels unfair and causes me a lot of stress to leave him hanging in limbo, only promising him that I wish my feelings were different, but that they aren't yet and I can't guarantee they will ever be. I'm so torn!!

Sorry this first post is so long...I just wanted to add some history to my question and give some context around why I am so confused. I think I know what I want to do...but I'm so scared of making the wrong decision. So I guess I'm sitting in indecision because it's the safer place to be right now, as agonizing as it is to sit on this barbed wire fence. Thanks for listening.

[Satu]

I think you've outgrown him, and unless he can catch up, it won't work.

 

You're no longer the person he was married to.

 

You would have to create a completely new relationship, as rebooting the old one wouldn't work any better than it did the first time around.

 

Keep an open mind though, you might find a way.

 

 

Take care.

[Shineshelly]

Hi Caps,

 

I think I would be tempted to feel just like you if I had gone through the same hurtful situation. Do you think there may be some fear of risking the relationship falling apart again if you were to reconcile with him? It can be scary thinking about having to go through that pain again. Although, it sounds like you have a lot to gain in working toward mending your family, and fear should have no place in your thinking on these matters.

 

It is great that you have sought counsel for yourself. Have you considered that these feelings you are having of self-empowerment and freedom are making you into a healthier and stronger person to enter back into a relationship with, rather than someone who has simply 'grown apart'?

 

So much is at stake here. I think marriage is worth fighting for, especially when children are involved. Please consider marriage counseling. Who knows, maybe you will discover you both are better individually to now re-enter into a marriage that will stand the test of time!

 

Prayers to you and your family!

[Caps1275]

Yes, I am starting to come around to that way of thinking. I am in marital counseling. Well, two sessions in, I guess. I haven't been giving it a decent chance, and I know that. Self-preservation, I guess. I've finally gotten to a place where I don't feel like crying every day or dread waking up in the morning and that's a peace I'm guarding very jealously. I guess I will never know though unless I try if things could work between us. The key word here is 'try.' It's one thing to say you will and another to actually do it, to have that positive attitude required to genuinely give it a shot, not just lip service.

 

I am leaning towards giving it an honest try. I know I can be ok on my own now, so I have nothing really to lose and potentially everything to gain.

 

Thanks for the good thoughts