For those divorced/divorcing - when did you "know"?

[Who_took_my_name]

I'm not in what you might call a happy place at the moment and I'll be honest the thought of my marriage ending in divorce has crossed my mind (I fear we may be one of those couples who look at each other when the kids leave and realise we've nothing in common).

 

To be clear I, not asking for advice, just wondering for those who have got divorced or are getting divorced, when did you know it was the answer and what effect did other factors such as kids (I've got 2) have on it?

[Mr. Lucky]

To be clear I, not asking for advice, just wondering for those who have got divorced or are getting divorced, when did you know it was the answer and what effect did other factors such as kids (I've got 2) have on it?

 

I knew when her AP's wife showed up at my door. But I'm guessing that's not what you mean...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Edited to add that, in your case, seems you haven't really addressed the problems yet. With all that's at stake, I'd exhaust all avenues including MC before even considering divorce.

Edited April 11, 2016 by Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

I agree that a couple should explore all avenues before divorcing.

 

As for my divorce, he refused my suggestion of counselling. After a very long time of uncertainty of whether I should stay or go, he got angry with me for having one foot out the door - said I was being unfair to him. I agreed. It was like an epiphany and I left that morning. I'm sure this wasn't the intended outcome of his comment, but either way, it made up my mind once and for all.

[Mundo]

If you and your spose agree there are isues and are both willing to work on it, MC, clear and honest communucation ghe your not ready.

 

In many threads you hear the following sentiment, and I believe its true, you married each other for reason. Find it again. Marriage is hard work, but both parties have to be willing to sacrafice all to keep it.

 

If either of you dosent want yo put in the effort then it may be over.

 

 

Good luck, and hopefully it does not end in divorce.

 

Oh, And I never saw it coming...

[Arieswoman]

OP,

 

when did you know it was the answer

 

My answer is similar to Mr Lucky's - when I found out my POS husband had been ****ing another women in our bed.

 

However, I agree with others, please exhaust all other options before you go down this road.

[Who_took_my_name]

Don't get me wrong, I'm not at that stage or even thinking I am, it's only occurred to me as a possible future development and I was curious. I've got a close friend that recently divorced after 5 years of marriage and neither of them can point to something happening, they just drifted into it despite counselling etc.

[Miss Clavel]

mr clavel and his "soul mate" never used a condom. i know because i asked.

 

he didn't care if she got pregnant, he didn't care if i lived or died.

 

it was the penultimate betrayal in my book.

Edited April 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Miss Clavel]

OP,

 

 

 

My answer is similar to Mr Lucky's - when I found out my POS husband had been ****ing another women in our bed.

 

 

i left the bed in the otherwise empty house after i moved.

[amaysngrace]

Try a date night.

 

Not for nothing but if your pal just got divorced and is expressing all her unhappiness with her man to you it's going to rub off on you a little and make you question your own marriage.

 

Just be glad you're not them.

 

As interesting as her life may seem because she's starting new, the grass probably isn't always going to be so green.

 

You should go take a good hard look at your own family photo albums if you're really looking for answers.

[Mrin]

The moment: when my XW asked me for a divorce

 

The effect: had 2 daughters 7 and 9 at the time. Telling them was the hardest thing I've ever done. 60 seconds of Hell. But by the end of the hour they were already processing it.

 

And hands down it was the best thing that ever happened to us. I am 100 times the father I used to be. We have an incredible relationships together that I treat like sacred gardens. XW and I are great friends. All in all - it is what you make of it.

 

Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

I've got a close friend that recently divorced after 5 years of marriage and neither of them can point to something happening, they just drifted into it despite counselling etc.

 

That sounds cowardly to me, for lack of a better word. When you commit to someone, you owe them your best effort to sustain that vow. And if kids are involved, an equal obligation to them exists also...

 

Mr. Lucky

[burnt]

The first thing I checked was your gender--you're male.

 

At the risk of drawing blind generalizations, for most/many women it's a bit obvious. When you finally are "done" with your marriage, you just know it.

 

For men, seems to be a general pattern: they think they might be done, especially going through a phase of mid-life crisis, but oh actually, maybe not…

 

My xMM told me that over the past few years he has wondered IF he really wanted to stay married. After successfully conducting a full blown emotional and physical affair, it "dawned" on him that he actually did love his wife all these years, but hadn't fully realized the depth of his love earlier.

 

Reading the many, many posts in the OW/OM and infidelity sections, it appears, that my xMM isn't the only man who needed outside help to be fully awakened to what he really did feel but didn't fully recognize.

 

So, to echo what many others said,

FIRST explore through MC all possible ways to rekindle your marriage before you decide to end it.

[Arieswoman]

Miss Clave,

post #8

 

i left the bed in the otherwise empty house after i moved.

 

I told my POS H to take the bed (and bedding) with him when I threw him out.

 

He did

 

I never slept in that room again, while I was in that house.

 

I subsequently moved.

[maacus]

I'm not in what you might call a happy place at the moment and I'll be honest the thought of my marriage ending in divorce has crossed my mind (I fear we may be one of those couples who look at each other when the kids leave and realise we've nothing in common).

 

To be clear I, not asking for advice, just wondering for those who have got divorced or are getting divorced, when did you know it was the answer and what effect did other factors such as kids (I've got 2) have on it?

 

For me, it was when I was sitting in my easy chair drinking the third beer of a six pack after working outside in the yard all day. I fell asleep because of all the work expended and the three beers. I woke up to police and EMT personnel in my house, with the police demanding that I be strapped to a gurney and taken to the hospital for evaluation. She had said that I was suicidal and was worried for my safety. There was no such situation; she made it up and was upset because I had beer, which a few months before said she couldn't tolerate after 20 plus years of marriage. Before that she was fine with it. After I returned from the hospital and they determined I was fine, I told her it was over. That was my defining moment. That someone whom I had taken care of and supported kindly for all of those years was upset because I was drinking beer and took it upon herself to have me hauled away with police escort on a gurney, away from my own home.

[Miss Clavel]

Miss Clave,

post #8

 

 

 

I told my POS H to take the bed (and bedding) with him when I threw him out.

 

He did

 

I never slept in that room again, while I was in that house.

 

I subsequently moved.

 

he knew i was never gonna touch that bed again. i left it for him to hump to the dump, or wherever.

 

i had a grage sale and i sold his boat. i kept the cash.

 

imagine his face when he went to look for his boat.

 

:lmao:

[Who_took_my_name]

Try a date night.

 

Not for nothing but if your pal just got divorced and is expressing all her unhappiness with her man to you it's going to rub off on you a little and make you question your own marriage.

 

Just be glad you're not them.

 

As interesting as her life may seem because she's starting new, the grass probably isn't always going to be so green.

 

You should go take a good hard look at your own family photo albums if you're really looking for answers.

 

Yep, date night is the obvious answer, we don't have that as an option though. Part of the problem.

 

Of course my friends divorce has done that and as I keep saying in this thread I'm not considering or looking at it as an option. I'm not saying I want a divorce or it's what I'm thinking. I'm just curious about how people ended up getting divorced.

 

As for her life being better or exciting, I can't imagine many things worse than having to go out to bars to meet people or chat up a stranger!

[Michelle ma Belle]

It was April 21 2004, quite literally.

 

I woke up that morning and felt like I had awakened from a coma. Honestly. It felt like I was awake and alive and I just remember looking at my husband and my life and feeling like "How the hell did I get here?!"

 

I was extremely emotional and for the first time in my life started experiencing panic attacks from feeling trapped in the life I had willingly participated in and created with my husband.

 

My parents were very worried because they thought I was having an emotional breakdown. That I might harm myself or run away or do something else that reckless. I didn't of course but it started the conversation and that's when I knew I was done. I had to get out.

 

And so the process, albeit a long one, began. I took my time because I wanted to ease my children into it as well as our families. I also wanted to make sure my ex and I left on good terms which took some time.

 

In the end it was the very best decision for the both of us and our family. It helps that my ex and I were amicable and still remain the best of friends.

 

No regrets.

[compulsivedancer]

We weren't sure we were done when I moved out. But after I moved into my apartment and started to get comfortable, I felt so much happier and so much more myself.

 

Also, one day he was horny and had planned to come over for sex, which I had okayed. After a long day of moving, I was exhausted and dirty and just needed his help moving things. I ended up taking a shower and we did have sex. But he was so petulant and so uncaring of what I needed that I realized I just had no interest in ever going there again.

 

If he had been interested and wanted to date, like we had initially planned, I would have been willing to try, but he never did, so it was clear that it was time to move on.