what if your mother is just unkind?

[ajaxlemon]

I know my mother loves me, but she's also sarcastic and mean and rude and I don't understand why she can't be more supportive and loving like other mothers are.

 

The other day, for example, I was visiting the family and out of nowhere she said to my sister-in-law, "Can you believe how confident ajaxlemon is? She has that bulging stomach and yet she's wearing such a sexy top."

 

I wasn't particularly hurt by this comment, but it did make me mad because it reminded me of all kinds of issues I had about my body until recently. I can see now that I was never even that fat to begin with, and I wonder why I couldn't have a mother who would reassure me throughout adolescence that I looked fine instead of making me feel like I was obese.

 

That was just an example of how she could be mean to me personally, but my mother is just unkind in general and a lot of things she says about other people are also so wrong I don't even know how to talk to her.

 

I guess I wonder if you're obliged to love your mother? I've cried thinking how messed up our relationship is, but the last time I tried to get closer to her and spend three whole weeks with her, I decided she was so awful that if she wasn't my mother I wouldn't have liked her.

[d0nnivain]

My mother was a rather difficult personality too. I finally realized that just because she gave birth that didn't magically make her kind or perfect. She was a flawed human being who was given a raw deal by life & her mother / my grandmother. Now that lady was truly nasty & borderline evil. When I realized my mother was a product of the verbal abuse she endured from her mother, it was much easier for me to let her nasty comments slide off my back.

 

 

Give some thought to how & why you mother is the way she is. See if that helps.

 

 

FWIW, in a really back handed f'd up way your mother may have been trying to praise your confidence. In this world that celebrates anorexics it does take a strong confident person to wear a tight top when she is not a size 2.

[SammySammy]

It happens. Sometimes our mothers are jerks.

 

Parental relationships need boundaries just like any other relationship. I found that when I became able to set and enforce appropriate boundaries with my mother (and my father) I truly became free. That was the moment I really grew up and became fully in control of my life.

 

You're not required to tolerate hurtful behavior from anyone - even your mother.

[Toodaloo]

Hate to say it but sounds as though she is jealous of you. It is actually a compliment to you.

 

Mothers are human too. They are not perfect...

 

My mother says insulting things to me all the time. I either

1. tell her she is insulting and being hurtful

2. ignore it

3. take the pee out of her back.

 

For example

 

Toodles you are fat in that dress... agh well its inherited so what do you expect?

[losangelena]

Start saving now for your eventual therapy bills.

 

Sorry, that sucks.

[Tayla]

Quickest way to stop a mad train, Ask them: Is it true? Is it kind? and is it necessary?

[Toodaloo]

Start saving now for your eventual therapy bills.

 

Sorry, that sucks.

 

And her old folks home bills...

[Forceawakensme]

When i first read this i felt so sad/angry for you..

 

Then i realized my Mum is not THAT different -- THough she would never come out and say something like that. She was always subtly critical ..passive aggressive -- For instance, she would comment on somebodyelse in a way that is obviously toward me. For instance, i have large bust and she does not, she would often say "OH my goodness, look at that disgusting cleavage on Susan... she should cover that up, she looks trampy". -- When i might be showing a peek of cleavage (not in a trampy way its just hard to hide unless i wear a turtle neck).

 

I believe firmly that she was critical because she really did think something didn't look good on us and it bothered her. She was a perfectionist and desperately wanted to portray a perfect image... (which to her was extremely thin .. straight up and down look) we were of course reflections of her so she felt the need to 'fix' us to be as perfect as she was. It stemmed from her Mother who was anorexic and in denial until the day she died.

 

 

My solution? - I moved countries. I love my Mother so much more from afar -- We haev a close relationship on phone and internet chat etc -- but i dont have to see her more than a few times a year (which are always lovely because she is on her best behavior) --- And i can be free.

 

I think sometimes you have to just customize the relationship and build safe boundaries to protect yourself - no matter who it is.

Edited April 12, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Buddhist]

I know my mother loves me,

 

Not all mothers love their children actually, not all mothers love all of their children either. This idea that just because you're biologically related means they love you is a myth. Sad but true, your mother and in fact all mothers are human, humans can hate as easily as they can love. Yes parents are 'supposed' to love their children but there is enough evidence out there to realise that many don't. Why am I saying this? Because it was a reality I had to face in my own life and accept. I don't know about your mother, but letting go of this idea that my mother must love me was actually what let me be free of her.

 

Society treats giving birth as some kind of sacred cow that automatically bestows saint-like qualities on the person who did it. Which is ridiculous of course. :roll eyes: There's no guarantee someone is capable of loving, giving and caring just because they pushed a baby out of their birth canal. It's not a given. In times gone past incapable people regularly killed their own children, that's illegal now, so we have this ridiculous idea that just because a parent didn't kill you they necessarily love you. Wrong.

 

I guess I wonder if you're obliged to love your mother? I've cried thinking how messed up our relationship is, but the last time I tried to get closer to her and spend three whole weeks with her, I decided she was so awful that if she wasn't my mother I wouldn't have liked her.

 

Not obliged no. No-one is obliged to love anyone hence why I made the bleak comment above. And yours is a fair comment too. I'll be honest I would never befriend my mother either. It's only the brainwashing of society that told me she's my mother she must love me and I must love her that kept me within her iron grip for so long. I don't see a time in my life where that relationship will ever be useful.

Edited April 12, 2016 by Buddhist

[Tayla]

Ohh Buddhist, How sad your commentary was to review.

 

Yes technically , giving Birth doesn't guarantee certain behaviors.

 

We are dealing with the adults here ,. past the birth stages and having to adapt in a civil way with actions and words.

 

Bonding in early life is a natural instinct, so I dare say, when its interrupted, yes certain tendencies are magnified. Distrust, abandonment, etc.

 

The OP is concerned and seeking diplomatic ways to ensure a more respectable

relation with the parents. The Mother may indeed lack certain qualities that fortunately the OP has garnered. One being, minding ones tongue.

 

OP- Can you share with us some ways that you have tried to broach these moments of negative comments? How did you respond to her?

[Buddhist]

Ohh Buddhist, How sad your commentary was to review.

 

Yes technically , giving Birth doesn't guarantee certain behaviors.

 

We are dealing with the adults here ,. past the birth stages and having to adapt in a civil way with actions and words.

 

Bonding in early life is a natural instinct, so I dare say, when its interrupted, yes certain tendencies are magnified. Distrust, abandonment, etc.

 

Have you never witnessed an animal abandoning it's litter? Bonding may be natures mechanism but nature shows us clearly it's not in action 100% of the time. Facing reality (of which there is plenty of evidence in the human and animal realms) is the act of an adult. Allowing for alternate possibilities is a rational, mature and responsible thing to do.

 

It's not for you to tell me I am misinformed about my own mother. You did not live my experience. Nor to censor me and imply that I'm not mature because I can face the reality that parents don't automatically love their children. Why do you think child abuse exists if all parents are biologically bonded to their children?

 

You may find my comments sad or depressing, but that doesn't make them invalid.

[BettyDraper]

Have you never witnessed an animal abandoning it's litter? Bonding may be natures mechanism but nature shows us clearly it's not in action 100% of the time. Facing reality (of which there is plenty of evidence in the human and animal realms) is the act of an adult. Allowing for alternate possibilities is a rational, mature and responsible thing to do.

 

It's not for you to tell me I am misinformed about my own mother. You did not live my experience. Nor to censor me and imply that I'm not mature because I can face the reality that parents don't automatically love their children. Why do you think child abuse exists if all parents are biologically bonded to their children?

 

You may find my comments sad or depressing, but that doesn't make them invalid.

 

Where did Tayla imply that you're immature or censor you?

 

I'm nonplussed because I don't see those sentiments in her posts at all.

[BettyDraper]

I know my mother loves me, but she's also sarcastic and mean and rude and I don't understand why she can't be more supportive and loving like other mothers are.

 

The other day, for example, I was visiting the family and out of nowhere she said to my sister-in-law, "Can you believe how confident ajaxlemon is? She has that bulging stomach and yet she's wearing such a sexy top."

 

I wasn't particularly hurt by this comment, but it did make me mad because it reminded me of all kinds of issues I had about my body until recently. I can see now that I was never even that fat to begin with, and I wonder why I couldn't have a mother who would reassure me throughout adolescence that I looked fine instead of making me feel like I was obese.

 

That was just an example of how she could be mean to me personally, but my mother is just unkind in general and a lot of things she says about other people are also so wrong I don't even know how to talk to her.

 

I guess I wonder if you're obliged to love your mother? I've cried thinking how messed up our relationship is, but the last time I tried to get closer to her and spend three whole weeks with her, I decided she was so awful that if she wasn't my mother I wouldn't have liked her.

 

I have a mother who was cruel to me my whole life. Now that she is retirement age, she is very sweet and she tries to be my friend. I am polite and affectionate to my mother but I still keep her at an arm's length. I don't trust her and I have no desire to be her friend.

 

Your mother unlikely to change. Remember that her unkindness towards you is really about her own emotional deficiencies. Grieve the loss of a healthy mother and daughter relationship and distance yourself from your mom. We are not obligated to love anyone who does not treat us well. The love that family members have for each other can be obligatory rather than truly felt.

[whichwayisup]

I know my mother loves me, but she's also sarcastic and mean and rude and I don't understand why she can't be more supportive and loving like other mothers are.

 

The other day, for example, I was visiting the family and out of nowhere she said to my sister-in-law, "Can you believe how confident ajaxlemon is? She has that bulging stomach and yet she's wearing such a sexy top."

 

I wasn't particularly hurt by this comment, but it did make me mad because it reminded me of all kinds of issues I had about my body until recently. I can see now that I was never even that fat to begin with, and I wonder why I couldn't have a mother who would reassure me throughout adolescence that I looked fine instead of making me feel like I was obese.

 

That was just an example of how she could be mean to me personally, but my mother is just unkind in general and a lot of things she says about other people are also so wrong I don't even know how to talk to her.

 

I guess I wonder if you're obliged to love your mother? I've cried thinking how messed up our relationship is, but the last time I tried to get closer to her and spend three whole weeks with her, I decided she was so awful that if she wasn't my mother I wouldn't have liked her.

 

Your mom has emotional baggage from her past (experiences, childhood etc etc) and that has nothing to do with you. She may not be happy many of times and she feels better by putting you down and trying to make you feel bad (to reach the level where she is). It sucks and I'm sorry that she's cruel to you.

 

Easier said than done but grow a thick skin and learn how to call her on what she says. Say "Mom, I love you but you have to stop nit picking and putting me down." Or just tell her how it makes you feel, or ask her why she is saying negative things to you. Maybe she isn't totally aware that she does this.

[darkmoon]

be careful not to let her be ove

[MatthiasB]

First of all, I am so sorry your mother is that way.

Unfortunately sometimes it does happen, nobody's perfect and some people are really jerks, and sometimes they happen to be our parents...

 

I think your mother has some kind of issues with herself and she feels the need to be unkind to other people, either in front of them or behind their back.

 

I would advise you to go tell her what you really feel. Don't be mean, stay polite and just tell her what's on your heart, so you can move on. If after opening up to her, she seems not to understand and never changes, well, maybe you should just move on without her. I know it sounds terrible ... You don't have to never talk to her but just try to stop caring about what she might think or say. Life is better when you cut off relationships with people who hurts us!

 

Anyway, good luck!

[Emilia]

I know my mother loves me, but she's also sarcastic and mean and rude and I don't understand why she can't be more supportive and loving like other mothers are.

 

The other day, for example, I was visiting the family and out of nowhere she said to my sister-in-law, "Can you believe how confident ajaxlemon is? She has that bulging stomach and yet she's wearing such a sexy top."

 

I wasn't particularly hurt by this comment, but it did make me mad because it reminded me of all kinds of issues I had about my body until recently. I can see now that I was never even that fat to begin with, and I wonder why I couldn't have a mother who would reassure me throughout adolescence that I looked fine instead of making me feel like I was obese.

 

That was just an example of how she could be mean to me personally, but my mother is just unkind in general and a lot of things she says about other people are also so wrong I don't even know how to talk to her.

 

I guess I wonder if you're obliged to love your mother? I've cried thinking how messed up our relationship is, but the last time I tried to get closer to her and spend three whole weeks with her, I decided she was so awful that if she wasn't my mother I wouldn't have liked her.

 

I had similar experiences that you are describing here, my mother called me some nasty things when I was 14 because I had long blonde hair and she told me she couldn't have boyfriends because of me. She also told me when I was 17 that she should have beaten me more when I was a kid, I'm not even sure why she said that, it's not like I was in trouble at school, I didn't get into fights, hardly went out, etc. But at that age you don't realise some people are just arseholes and there is nothing you can do.

 

I finally cut contact with my mother because she wasn't respecting the boundaries I was trying to set, she kept trying to force her way. I also realised that I put up with some crappy behaviour from people in the past because I had been conditioned that way. I didn't realise it wasn't normal and that not everyone was like that. I also had to learn that arsehole people are not arseholes 100% of the time, they have their good days but that doesn't mean they deserve to be in your life because the damage they do when they have a bad day. As a child you accept almost unconditionally what your mother says which is why it can affect your confidence.

 

It is also important to monitor what you had learned from her, whether you respect people's boundaries yourself. It's been a new learning curve for me, hit and miss but it's getting better.

 

I think I was in my early teens when I realised she was a liar and couldn't be trusted. Now I feel so free, I can't tell you. I feel almost guilty for feeling so free. I didn't realise what a burden she was all these years (I don't mean physically, she isn't ill and she is still relatively young).

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[hotpotato]

I have a mother who was cruel to me my whole life. Now that she is retirement age, she is very sweet and she tries to be my friend. I am polite and affectionate to my mother but I still keep her at an arm's length. I don't trust her and I have no desire to be her friend.

 

Your mother unlikely to change. Remember that her unkindness towards you is really about her own emotional deficiencies. Grieve the loss of a healthy mother and daughter relationship and distance yourself from your mom. We are not obligated to love anyone who does not treat us well. The love that family members have for each other can be obligatory rather than truly felt.

 

My mother is nice to me after i beat her up as a teen and then started making money. They feel they are no longer in control then they become nice.

 

I agree with Buddhist 100%. Being your mom doesnt mean she loves or likes you. Face the facts so you can find freedom and peace. Please dont be like some people who seek the love (sometimes by putting themselves down or self sabotage) that theyll never receive.

 

There are good books out there. One of my favs is Mean Mothers by Peg Streep. There are books and websites about narcissist mothers, mother daughter envy, etc.

 

Some moms see daughters as extensions of themselves. Its not uncommon for these moms to be cruel to daughters but loving, doting mothers to their sons. The son is more of an other so she doesnt feel that envy, competition, or so much desire to control him.

 

@Emilia

My mom used to call me a woman of the night aka hooker.