Affair with male friend of 17 years. Could he fall for me?

[Beachbum1]

I really meant to sum this up short.. I did try.

But it's a long story. Thanks for reading.

 

Ok I wasn't sure to post in this section or friends etc. First time user. Racking my brain and the net today trying to get some clarity on the situation.

So as you'll have guessed, I have somewhat become the OW.

 

 

We have been friends since we were 13. We are both now 32. Always saw him as bro type, I was a (quite attractive)tomboy and hung out with the boys through my teens.

My friend and I had never been involved at all. Never was attracted. He never made any advances either.

We have stayed in friends over the years. Over 8 of those years I lived interstate (until last year.) Didn't hear from or see him for most of it, just catch ups now and then. But it always felt like no time had past, just solid good mates- can talk about anything and everything, never lost for words

 

 

About 3 years ago, saying goodbye after a catch up, I gave him the usual peck and a hug, he pulled me in tight and kissed me passionately!

He was in a relationship of 2 years. I was single, have been for 5 yrs. I just went with it as it surprised me to feel really nice. Not weird. Totally unexpected. I then pushed him off and said "wtf you you have gf "..He shrugged and said he's "always been attracted to me. He isn't happy with his gf and its nearing the end." I still don't know if that just meant physically attracted...

Anyway I then just forgot about it, as i wasn't attracted and lived interstate, also to block out the guilt toward his gf.

 

Fast forward about a year and a half, he is still living with her. She has told him she can't have kids. So when he told me over the phone one night she was pregnant, he said he was freaked out and not ready. I think back now actually, he sounded crushed, possible disappointment, as I ranted on all excited and assured you won't look back once you're holding him in your arms etc

I tried to arrange a day to come over and meet his gf and Bub. She cancelled. And decided to never get back to me despite my efforts.(not a friendly)

I didn't let that stop me hanging out with my friend though sometimes. She never knew but it didn't matter, we were just mates.

 

Ok ok, now she goes away for weeks at a time, often, to see family. Stays as long as she can. One of these times( a yr ago)we decide to have some drinks. Hot summer day why not?

 

Whatever happened - we end up stark naked the living room, having some of the best sex Iv ever had. Blew my mind. For hours. It was awesome! I don't know what came over me, and no I wasn't plastered.

I went interstate and that was that.

 

Ive now moved back into town another year later not for any reason to do with him.

But it's "happened"here and there. About 8 times in 3 months. Which is a lot. Its usually a few drinks at home and hours of hanging out. We can talk til the sun comes up. Sometimes it's just a coffee. And we don't sleep together everytime

 

Now I'm naturally developing feelings for him. Havent told him. He's hinted feelings, but we dont talk about it. We call it friends who have bloody amazing sex.. (Then we giggle and change topic) I assume we both know without saying how natural it feels. I could just never replace what we are (whatever that is) 17 years!

The conversation, the sex, how damn well our body's fit together when HE initiates a little snuggle. Gives me long hugs goodbye. But at the end of day he can't "say" if he feels anything as it would be unfair.......

 

Is he just living a teenage fantasy? Eating his cake?

 

Or is it possible that he could fall for me?

 

I think I just needed to vent. Thank you in advance for any comments or for reading this.

[elaine567]

I feel its unlikely he will fall for you, he is a man in a relationship, a relationship that no matter how bad he says it is TO YOU, he has stayed in it. He didn't rush off to be with you and ditch the gf, as soon as it was obvious you were interested like a man "in love" would, no he stayed put and he is still staying put. That speaks volumes.

Now he has a child he will not move, attached men rarely do.

YOU are a FWB, and as such he will probably not see you as anything else I am afraid to say, as that is how it often works.

YOU are not only a FWB but you are also willing to cheat with a man who has a gf, so that doesn't make you "relationship material" in his eyes, how could he trust you?

I know it is a double standard but it is often how these things are viewed.

His gf is the innocent, the Madonna, the mother of his child, and you are someone he sleeps with, and that usually means when the chips are down there is no contest. This forum is full of OW pushed under a bus when the gf/wife finds out.

He will eat cake as long as he needs to. You may even find as soon as "normal service" is resumed with his gf, he may even tail you off.

 

Go find a single man, who is free to love you is my advice, the road you are on will only lead to heartache for you. Sorry!

[privategal]

He fell into bed with you.

Thats about it.

Dont try to romanticize this situation nor pretend to meet the gf and baby as though you are just an innocent well meaning friend, thats not acceptable.

[anika99]

I really meant to sum this up short.. I did try.

But it's a long story. Thanks for reading.

 

Ok I wasn't sure to post in this section or friends etc. First time user. Racking my brain and the net today trying to get some clarity on the situation.

So as you'll have guessed, I have somewhat become the OW.

 

 

We have been friends since we were 13. We are both now 32. Always saw him as bro type, I was a (quite attractive)tomboy and hung out with the boys through my teens.

My friend and I had never been involved at all. Never was attracted. He never made any advances either.

We have stayed in friends over the years. Over 8 of those years I lived interstate (until last year.) Didn't hear from or see him for most of it, just catch ups now and then. But it always felt like no time had past, just solid good mates- can talk about anything and everything, never lost for words

 

 

About 3 years ago, saying goodbye after a catch up, I gave him the usual peck and a hug, he pulled me in tight and kissed me passionately!

He was in a relationship of 2 years. I was single, have been for 5 yrs. I just went with it as it surprised me to feel really nice. Not weird. Totally unexpected. I then pushed him off and said "wtf you you have gf "..He shrugged and said he's "always been attracted to me. He isn't happy with his gf and its nearing the end." I still don't know if that just meant physically attracted...

Anyway I then just forgot about it, as i wasn't attracted and lived interstate, also to block out the guilt toward his gf.

 

Fast forward about a year and a half, he is still living with her. She has told him she can't have kids. So when he told me over the phone one night she was pregnant, he said he was freaked out and not ready. I think back now actually, he sounded crushed, possible disappointment, as I ranted on all excited and assured you won't look back once you're holding him in your arms etc

I tried to arrange a day to come over and meet his gf and Bub. She cancelled. And decided to never get back to me despite my efforts.(not a friendly)

I didn't let that stop me hanging out with my friend though sometimes. She never knew but it didn't matter, we were just mates.

 

Ok ok, now she goes away for weeks at a time, often, to see family. Stays as long as she can. One of these times( a yr ago)we decide to have some drinks. Hot summer day why not?

 

Whatever happened - we end up stark naked the living room, having some of the best sex Iv ever had. Blew my mind. For hours. It was awesome! I don't know what came over me, and no I wasn't plastered.

I went interstate and that was that.

 

Ive now moved back into town another year later not for any reason to do with him.

But it's "happened"here and there. About 8 times in 3 months. Which is a lot. Its usually a few drinks at home and hours of hanging out. We can talk til the sun comes up. Sometimes it's just a coffee. And we don't sleep together everytime

 

Now I'm naturally developing feelings for him. Havent told him. He's hinted feelings, but we dont talk about it. We call it friends who have bloody amazing sex.. (Then we giggle and change topic) I assume we both know without saying how natural it feels. I could just never replace what we are (whatever that is) 17 years!

The conversation, the sex, how damn well our body's fit together when HE initiates a little snuggle. Gives me long hugs goodbye. But at the end of day he can't "say" if he feels anything as it would be unfair.......

 

Is he just living a teenage fantasy? Eating his cake?

 

Or is it possible that he could fall for me?

 

I think I just needed to vent. Thank you in advance for any comments or for reading this.

 

Why his gf got pregnant and how he felt about it is moot since he told you 1.5 yrs before that he wasn't happy and his relationship was "nearing the end" yet he stayed firmly planted in it. He had almost 2 yrs to end that relationship and be yours but he decided to keep his gf and cheat on her instead. What kind of man does that?

 

If he was telling you the truth about being unhappy with his gf years ago, yet he decided to stay and do nothing about his supposed misery then that means he's a conflict avoider and conflict avoiding people can be absolutely horrific to deal with. They are wimps, they never tell the truth, they go along with things they don't want to do and never speak up about their feelings to the people who matter most and who most deserve the truth. Instead they whine to others about how they "are trapped" and have "no choice" when in fact they are exactly where they have chosen to be. They are passive aggressive and they lie and stab their loved ones in the back while pretending to be the sweet little victim.

 

More than likely though he was never as unhappy and ready to end the relationship as he pretended to be. Most attached guys are never going to tell the woman they are hitting on that they just want some fun on the side because that's not going to get them what they want. He sounds like a typical cheater. His gf had a baby which took her attention away from him so like a pouty little boy he goes and gets his ego strokes somewhere else rather than being a true man and father. While his gf is dealing with a little baby, breastfeeding, diapers, endless laundry and sleepless nights he is escaping to you to get his ego fed and get his sex. How nice. Who is validating his gf and stroking her ego and meeting her needs? Not him which may explain why she likes to go see her family so much.

 

His gf likely has a gut feeling about you, she probably got a vibe from him that alerted her to not trust you. That's why she's not interested in meeting you. You are an enemy to her and her child. The man you are choosing to spend time with is a cheater and a liar so you don't get to feel sorry for yourself when you get hurt by him. You know what you are getting so either decide to enjoy being used by him or decide to end it but don't spend years being jealous and miserable while acting like a victim. You have choices so make a choice and own it.

[privategal]

To add to this...how can a man stand to not only let his gf and child go away for weeks at a time without him...but then have sex with another woman in his girlfriend and babys HOME.

Its honestly SO low.

She lives there, cares for a child there.

His girlfriend is probably so emotionally lonely and needs support if she is going home that much, she needs her familys love and help.

He likely gives her no feeling of safety and emotional support.

You and this cheater should TELL HER so she can make a permanent home with her family who loves her, then you can have as much slimy sex as you want and you could REALLY find out what a prince charming he is full time.

Wait until the sex gets old.

Its likely 'great' because its forbidden.

If this GF only knew what kind of partner and father he is she would just die.

Imagine YOU came home and sat on a couch with your newborn where your partner was having sex with another.

He probably looks right in her face like everythings so normal.

Just ewe.

[ChickiePops]

He's probably been wanting to sleep with you for a while and now he's scratching the itch.

 

This can only end badly.

[loveisanaction]

Geez! Women, why do we keep doing this? The struggle to fall in love and be in a loving relationship can not be that desperate that we would settle for a man who is already attached to another woman.

 

We've got to start loving ourseleves enough that we would rather choose to be alone than be the affair partner of a man who belongs to someone else.

 

Is this what we call love now? Stolen moments...lying...cheating...waiting....holding out hope that someone day he will leave her for you. This is not how love is meant to be.

 

There has to come a time in our lives when we understand and accept that being alone is far greater than being second to a man who is already attached to another woman.

[Beachbum1]

Thanks all for replying. Hope I'm typing in the right thing....

 

You're all pretty right. Didn't expect a dif reply but had to talk about it, as no one knows about it.

It's hard to lose a friendship Iv had so long. But it's the only way I think. I get stuck a few days at a time romantasizing the idea after an encounter. Then it slips to the back of my mind, so that feeling of love doesn't consume me all the time.

Guess it is lust combined with a close friendship.

I love him as a friend and with sex it's just confusing.

 

And I do feel sorry for her yet somehow I can block it out. I'm usually a compassionate sensitive person and this out of character! Being selfish. Back when she didn't want to meet me, there wasnt a thought in my mind about touching her man. At all. She doesn't have many friends and I was excited to meet her and babysit!!

One tipsy encounter with him triggered a very dif outcome, it's so low I know, and I then I lived with my actions by believing she was a snob. Though this wasn't a spite thing.

I have potential to meet someone good. I'm in a big city now and their are lots of men I'm pretty sure...

Thanks again.

[Beachbum1]

Why his gf got pregnant and how he felt about it is moot since he told you 1.5 yrs before that he wasn't happy and his relationship was "nearing the end" yet he stayed firmly planted in it. He had almost 2 yrs to end that relationship and be yours but he decided to keep his gf and cheat on her instead. What kind of man does that?

 

If he was telling you the truth about being unhappy with his gf years ago, yet he decided to stay and do nothing about his supposed misery then that means he's a conflict avoider and conflict avoiding people can be absolutely horrific to deal with. They are wimps, they never tell the truth, they go along with things they don't want to do and never speak up about their feelings to the people who matter most and who most deserve the truth. Instead they whine to others about how they "are trapped" and have "no choice" when in fact they are exactly where they have chosen to be. They are passive aggressive and they lie and stab their loved ones in the back while pretending to be the sweet little victim.

 

More than likely though he was never as unhappy and ready to end the relationship as he pretended to be. Most attached guys are never going to tell the woman they are hitting on that they just want some fun on the side because that's not going to get them what they want. He sounds like a typical cheater. His gf had a baby which took her attention away from him so like a pouty little boy he goes and gets his ego strokes somewhere else rather than being a true man and father. While his gf is dealing with a little baby, breastfeeding, diapers, endless laundry and sleepless nights he is escaping to you to get his ego fed and get his sex. How nice. Who is validating his gf and stroking her ego and meeting her needs? Not him which may explain why she likes to go see her family so much.

 

His gf likely has a gut feeling about you, she probably got a vibe from him that alerted her to not trust you. That's why she's not interested in meeting you. You are an enemy to her and her child. The man you are choosing to spend time with is a cheater and a liar so you don't get to feel sorry for yourself when you get hurt by him. You know what you are getting so either decide to enjoy being used by him or decide to end it but don't spend years being jealous and miserable while acting like a victim. You have choices so make a choice and own it.

 

 

 

Thank you, really good feedback.

[ChickiePops]

Btw saying things like 'it happened' or 'we ended up' does not absolve you of any guilt. It didn't happen, you and this guy made it happen. You decided to take your clothes off. You made the conscious decision to screw around with a man in a committed relationship. You chose to let him use you for sex. You chose for yourself, and the two of you chose for his girlfriend and their child.

[Beachbum1]

No. It doesn't excuse me of any wrong doing.

I know I chose, we chose, and clearly what I have right now is my much deserved karma. Today he pocket dialled me as he was walking through the door from work and saying hello to his boy with her in the background. Karmas a bitch hey.

 

Its done now and I'm walking away.

Edited April 13, 2016 by Beachbum1

[Cymbeline]

I hope you will be happier soon.

[Gloria_Smellons]

Sounds to me like he's put you firmly in the 'sex on the side' bracket.

 

Sorry about that, you are worth more.

 

He had his chance to be with you and didn't take it... that tells you all you need to know. This is not a reflection of YOUR value, but a reflection on him.

 

Put a stop to this and find someone better.