40+ Never Dated Or Been Touched By A Man

[mightycpa]

I didn't see your original post, what happened for me to not date up until this point was not because of not advertising myself, more my friends being more attractive or out going, when i was 20 i was wanting to find a man, that didn't happen and then i got to 30, still no man and now 40, i have a man, who i really like and have known him for a while.

There has to be more to it than just this, and while knowing what it is won't help you regain any of those years, it may help you date now that you're in your 40's. Assuming that a girl starts getting interested in boys around 16 at the latest, there's something a little too reticent about a woman who can't get a date, can't get touched even once over the course of 2.5 decades. It isn't your uber-attractive and overly charming friends. There's something about you that is the primary obstacle, and I would simply suggest that if you don't want the next 25 years to closely resemble the last 25 years, you'd better get a lot braver and a lot more proactive.

 

The real trouble for you is that you don't know how to act on a date. Not that you did anything wrong on yours, but you were clearly uncomfortable, wondering about his next move and what yours should be in response. I guess I mean that you have no confidence and as a result, you're bound to make some mistakes. We all have, it's just that for most of us, it was at the beginning of adulthood. Had you dated, you'd know that a first date ought to be a lot more carefree than that... especially about the waitress.

 

Anyway, I guess where I'm going with all this is that if you fall in love with this man, or another, you may be in for the hurt of your life for the very first time if it doesn't work out, which it very may well not. So be forewarned. But also know this - it's worth every tear. Don't shy away from it, and don't let it stop you.

 

I sincerely wish you a lot of luck.

Edited April 18, 2016 by mightycpa

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I have known quite a few; however, it really isn't a contest.

 

I am very glad for you, OP, that you took a risk and it seems to be going well. Just enjoy it moment by moment.

 

Yes, it seems less likely for women to end up in that boat than it is for men because women don't have to be the initiators

[hbpencils]

Thanks everyone for your advice, our day together went well and i really enjoyed it and so did my gentleman, during our day we talked, he picked a flower for me and we had a nice lunch.

 

He has started opening up to me about things and how he has been treated before.

 

Too answer your questions MightyCPA i can tell you why and it's from my mother, she had very high standards for me and what type of man she wanted me to be with and i lacked confidence as well too stand up to her in my twenties and thirties, didn't help she was overly protective.

 

Now i like my gentleman a lot, he's a doctorate, is financially secure and has a great personality, my mother wanted me to meet a doctor, she wasn't fussed if he was medical or not and someone who was financially secure.

 

I have the man she wanted, but i didn't actually know how wealthy he was until he sort of told me and various things, i knew from him helping my place of work that he had plenty of leisure time.

 

everything is going well and my gentleman is giving me confidence, his compliments and his pride in my work, so i do feel more confident. I'm happy and so if he, i'm not materialistic so, his wealth is his and i just want his love and time together.

 

I noticed on our day out, we held hands, which was nice, which he offered and we had a kiss and cuddle, that was nice, but i did feel comfortable with all those things.

[scorpiogirl]

Wow, this sounds like a fairy tale. You went from no dates ever to finding a great guy, who's well-educated, wealthy, attractive and younger than you. Perhaps you should give lessons. Many would pay to know your secret to success.

[hbpencils]

there's no secret, i've actually known him for 3 years, but didn't know him the way i know him now, before he wouldn't talk too much about his life. All i knew before was that his ex partner didn't treat him too well.

 

My happy ever after isn't there yet, he could dump me or anything or we might not be completely compatible.

 

I'm not counting my chickens, but i guess lack of confidence over the years is what made me miss out on dating, not standing up to my mother. For a long time and realise now is that i was walking around with my head up my arse, looking down at people.

 

Now i'm with someone who some would think is actually better than me, his status in society is more than mine, but he is humble.

[carhill]

OP, late to the discussion and reading your posting style and recount of how you've overcome your personal challenges, I think your place and time in life is perfect for a healthy and productive relationship. Each of us finds that confluence in our own way and time.

 

IMO, keep up being yourself and use your life experience and how you met your personal challenges to move forward with this association and the results will occur naturally. One perspective to offer is that this man may also consider you to be a real and valued person and that you're a real 'catch'. We each value different aspects of life and living.

 

Enjoy the ride and best wishes for it to bring you long lasting joy and satisfaction.

[hbpencils]

thanks, he seems to be very proud of my work and i've met some of his friends who sort of told me bits about what he says about me, it's all positive, but posting on here has got me thinking about my life, my challenges and the way i've lived for so long.

 

In my mind, i wasn't presenting myself as being very attractive, so would not get dates, men who didn't have a certain job were beneath me, but i look at the man i'm with, he talks to everyone, no matter their wealth, job, education background. he will sit and listen to people intently.

[hbpencils]

I've noticed other things about my man, a couple of days a go i sent him a text to ask him what he was doing: "His reply sitting and listening to the birds in the garden". At first i thought it was odd, but thought and he knows how to find his own inner peace, something i don't seem to be able to do.

 

He is very laid back with me, my jealous moments are met with comfort and gentleness, something I've not experienced.

[carhill]

My usual advice is to keep showing up until one or the other doesn't want to and to think less and press flesh more. IME, romantic relationship are more about feeling and less about thinking. Sure, logic has its place but IMO lead with feeling. Your interactions surrounding your apparent spates of jealousy are great opportunities to grow intimacy by working through them as a team.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

so is this guy officially your bf now?

[hbpencils]

I would say so, he said he wants to be exclusive with me and i don't want to date anyone else.

[GemmaUK]

Drop those jealous moments.

A little bit is good and healthy but too much will tire him and wind you up to the max.

The reality is that you can be with someone for 50 years, know them inside and out and yes, they might cheat on you.

 

Value yourself and have the strength to walk if it happens and you will always be on top of things.

 

He loves listening to birds in the garden, open your own eyes and ears - listen and look yourself.

I walk to work every day and I know all of the trees and I have several favourites - mostly those that turn strong red/orange in autumn.

 

Looking at what is around you is so calming.

I have some tea light holders that I got from Amazon - I cannot describe how beautiful they are! They help to calm me after a tough day. They glow orange through the rock and are simply incredible to look at!

 

These are the same as I have:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_2_8?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=himalayan+salt+tealight+holder&sprefix=salt+tea%2Caps%2C334

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Drop those jealous moments.

A little bit is good and healthy but too much will tire him and wind you up to the max.

The reality is that you can be with someone for 50 years, know them inside and out and yes, they might cheat on you.

 

Value yourself and have the strength to walk if it happens and you will always be on top of things.

 

He loves listening to birds in the garden, open your own eyes and ears - listen and look yourself.

I walk to work every day and I know all of the trees and I have several favourites - mostly those that turn strong red/orange in autumn.

 

Looking at what is around you is so calming.

I have some tea light holders that I got from Amazon - I cannot describe how beautiful they are! They help to calm me after a tough day. They glow orange through the rock and are simply incredible to look at!

 

These are the same as I have:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_2_8?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=himalayan+salt+tealight+holder&sprefix=salt+tea%2Caps%2C334

Well kinda nice and interesting that you get a boyfriend after posting saying that you feel hopeless, so first ever one at 40?

[hbpencils]

yes, first boyfriend at 40. As the title suggests.

 

Thanks Gemma, i think i need to find an activity and some more interests to do, he seems to be able to find something to occupy his mind when not with me.

 

Your right about the jealous moments, it's a little bit hard, since this is new and exciting.

 

A reflection on my life is that i must have scared men away, with my attitude, looking down my nose, plus i was very bossy, a madam wanting my own way with my friends, i guess any potential suitor would have been terrified.

 

BronzeAge this is the first man that has really looked at me, i have male friends who never saw me anything more than a friend or i scared them, that they would not want to pursue a relationship.

 

Maybe other men were looking and i didn't notice.

[hbpencils]

I'm not exactly a head turner when i walk into a room, i'm the woman you don't notice, i'm just average, but i can analyze the psychology of why i haven't had a man or enjoy this man and if we break up, i will have learned some lessons.

 

Plus, he told me that he wanted to be exclusive, i didn't bring it up at first.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

yes, first boyfriend at 40. As the title suggests.

 

Thanks Gemma, i think i need to find an activity and some more interests to do, he seems to be able to find something to occupy his mind when not with me.

 

Your right about the jealous moments, it's a little bit hard, since this is new and exciting.

 

A reflection on my life is that i must have scared men away, with my attitude, looking down my nose, plus i was very bossy, a madam wanting my own way with my friends, i guess any potential suitor would have been terrified.

 

BronzeAge this is the first man that has really looked at me, i have male friends who never saw me anything more than a friend or i scared them, that they would not want to pursue a relationship.

 

Maybe other men were looking and i didn't notice.

And when you say you had never touched a man before, I assume that means not even a first kiss yet at 40 either?

[truthtripper]

I hear there's a bunch in Japan

No wonder it's the Japanese who make those hi-tech, highly intelligent male robots.

[hbpencils]

That would be right Bronze Age, my first kiss is with my gentleman.

 

Since posting on here i've had a lot of time to reflect on my life, why i haven't enjoyed anything and it could be that my attitude was all wrong, in my 20s and 30s when other women were wearing revealing clothing, i would wear something like trousers, a t-shirt with a roll neck sweater underneath.

 

i don't consider myself very attractive and i guess i wasn't advertising myself in the right way.

[pteromom]

Wow - this sounds very promising so far.

 

You have to really watch your jealousy though - it can poison a relationship quickly!

 

You have to realize that what other women do doesn't matter. A waitress can smile at him all she wants. It's how he reacts that matters. If he is friendly and coolly polite back with someone who is flirting with him, but doesn't fall all over her or flirt back, you have yourself a winner.

 

Women will always flirt with him - you have to learn to find solace in the fact that he has chosen you and that their flirting is just a cry for male attention; not a threat to you.

 

I might suggest that you find an individual therapist to talk about your insecurity and jealousy. You could become a much stronger woman who feels more ready for the trials of a relationship.

 

Hope it keeps going the way it is going!

[hbpencils]

Thanks Petromom, when women are smiling at him, he doesn't react at all. i noticed the other day a woman was talking to him and trying to keep his attention, but he kept looking over to me a few times.

 

I've noticed though if a woman keeps wanting his attention, like for say, attention seeking, he gets bored very quickly and he will go from polite to a little grumpy.

 

I've not seen him flirt with anyone, he is just himself.

[pteromom]

Thanks Petromom, when women are smiling at him, he doesn't react at all. i noticed the other day a woman was talking to him and trying to keep his attention, but he kept looking over to me a few times.

 

I've noticed though if a woman keeps wanting his attention, like for say, attention seeking, he gets bored very quickly and he will go from polite to a little grumpy.

 

I've not seen him flirt with anyone, he is just himself.

 

Sounds like he handles this perfectly!

 

So don't let the poison seep into your relationship. When you feel threatened, realize that your fears and insecurities are just being triggered, and that rationally, you are safe and secure. There is no real threat to you. Focus on calming your breathing and heart rate and reminding yourself that you are in control of your reactions.

[truthtripper]

HBpencils, it seems you've suffered some emotional abuse by your mother. She robbed you of your freedom to date, to explore relationships, to develop socially and thus emotionally. She cheated you and in doing so has taught you to cheat yourself. You have been simply perpetuating, through your lack of self-worth and "jealousy", the obstacles which your mother created for you. This is why you have also attracted jealous, boyfriend-stealing friends. You will continue to place obstacles in your relationship, if you don't do some deep self-analysis. Being jealous of a waitress is irrational. It's obvious that you are searching for obstacles, to subconsciously abide by your mother's twisted teachings. We are all programmed to subconsciously strive to please our parents, it's a primal survival instinct. It's when we have been abused as children, that we need to reflect more on our childhoods and upbringings to create some self-understanding/awareness. Only then can we unlearn self-defeating beliefs about ourselves and create positivity in our relationships with ourselves and others.

Edited April 25, 2016 by truthtripper

[hbpencils]

Thanks TruthTripper, i think you hit the nail on the head and other posters have too, i haven't developed emotionally into relationships as other women might have, pretty much most of my jealousy is childish and something that is right out of the playground.

 

My gentleman seems to handle my jealousy well, but over the past week or so, i feel more confident and when he's around other women my heart doesn't automatically jump into my throat, so i guess that is a positive.

[truthtripper]

Thanks TruthTripper, i think you hit the nail on the head and other posters have too, i haven't developed emotionally into relationships as other women might have, pretty much most of my jealousy is childish and something that is right out of the playground.

 

My gentleman seems to handle my jealousy well, but over the past week or so, i feel more confident and when he's around other women my heart doesn't automatically jump into my throat, so i guess that is a positive.

Hb, that's great, but be aware that emotional issues stemming from childhood don't disappear overnight. Be careful not to succumb to denial about the fact that you have deeply ingrained jealousy issues among other issues that need time to be resolved. It takes much longer than a mere week. You end up not only lying to yourself but to others too, which again serves as another obstacle in forming genuine relationships.

[hbpencils]

Thank TruthTripper, i will take it one day at a time. A lot of my reflection is why i was so negative about things, wanting my own way all the time and then i see it with my mother and father, my dad would always be quiet and want a quiet life whilst my mother ruled over him and i guess i've done that with my friends too, especially male ones.

 

At the moment with my gentleman i'm trying really hard not to become a madam with him and scare him off, i don't want to control him, but sometimes there is a nagging feeling that i do want to control him as if he is my property and no one else can have him or his attention.