Falling out of love after having a baby

[Isabella82]

I don't know how to start to explain or what to say.

 

I'm unhappy. Is it normal to fall in and out of love with your spouse over the years?

 

I've been married 3 years, and with my husband for 7 years. We just had a baby a year ago, and it's been stressful. My husband is helpful when in comes to helping with our baby, and I couldn't ask for a better dad for our son.

 

But, we fight all the time. I think we have bad communication and my husband is sort of asexual. He didn't want to have sex during my WHOLE pregnancy, so I would say for the past 2 years, we've maybe had sex 5-10 times. He is fine with this. He has always been this way.

 

For me, it's really the only thing we ever fought about before we had a baby. Our baby was planned and I was frustrated when my husband couldn't really just have sex like a normal guy. I would take those ovulation tests and tell him okay let's go, and he sometimes just couldn't. At night, he was the type of guy that would stay up playing video games, while I slept alone in our bed. Our baby was conceived just in the middle of the day when I was ovulating.

 

I don't know, stupid me always thought things would just get better once we got married, and then once we had a baby, but it's not. I feel like I am no longer "in love" with him. I like him as a person, but I just feel like we're just roommates with a baby.

 

He knows I'm unhappy, so he has been trying to be more affectionate towards me, but I just feel like it's too late. We haven't frenched kissed probably in 7 years, and now he wants to just peck me throughout the day, and I just don't see the point in it. I find it annoying.

 

I don't know what to do. I want to make it work for the sake of our son, but I just don't know how to fix it. It is tearing me up inside, living like this.

Edited April 12, 2016 by Isabella82

[heartwhole]

It sounds to me like you're finally getting somewhere. You're finally realizing that you can't force him to change and that you should never have expected him to morph into a guy who wants sex all the time. And he's finally realizing that you are truly unhappy and he needs to work on things, so he's making an effort to connect.

 

So now you've got so much resentment and fear of getting your hopes up for nothing again that you're not even glad he's trying. That's understandable but not helpful if you're committed or at least interested in trying. What if you did kiss him back? Could it spice up things in the bedroom too?

 

Clearly there are medical or psychological issues behind his lack of sex drive. Have you discussed getting help?

 

I've been with my husband 17 years. I tend to think that being "in love" when you've been together a long time really just means feeling connected and attracted and unified. I don't expect butterflies or dopamine or anything like that. I think "I love you but I'm not in love with you" just means "We failed to put the effort into our relationship so now we feel disconnected." I don't think there's any magical in love/out of love switch that is flipped inside a person. If you were well matched to begin with, then you should be able to nurture a relationship to be healthy and fulfilling again, and positive feelings naturally result.

 

You've also had a baby, so I will throw out the question of postpartum depression or blues into the mix.

 

Now, I said, "if you were well matched to begin with." Perhaps you are realizing that you weren't. And that's heavy and something you must consider; IC would be good for that. I can completely understand why you wouldn't want a marriage where you only have sex a few times a year. He is not meeting your needs, and I would need that to change to go forward. If he has issues with impotence, he can still try to please you in other ways while you figure out what's behind his problems. I would expect him to get healthier, seek medical help, try medications and supplements, etc. Since you have a baby, I'd at least give it a shot before giving up, especially since he seems to finally be coming around. But it's your life and you know better than anyone if it's realistic to expect any change from him.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Leave this screen up on your laptop and "accidentally" let him come across it.

[Isabella82]

It sounds to me like you're finally getting somewhere. You're finally realizing that you can't force him to change and that you should never have expected him to morph into a guy who wants sex all the time. And he's finally realizing that you are truly unhappy and he needs to work on things, so he's making an effort to connect.

 

So now you've got so much resentment and fear of getting your hopes up for nothing again that you're not even glad he's trying. That's understandable but not helpful if you're committed or at least interested in trying. What if you did kiss him back? Could it spice up things in the bedroom too?

 

Clearly there are medical or psychological issues behind his lack of sex drive. Have you discussed getting help?

 

I've been with my husband 17 years. I tend to think that being "in love" when you've been together a long time really just means feeling connected and attracted and unified. I don't expect butterflies or dopamine or anything like that. I think "I love you but I'm not in love with you" just means "We failed to put the effort into our relationship so now we feel disconnected." I don't think there's any magical in love/out of love switch that is flipped inside a person. If you were well matched to begin with, then you should be able to nurture a relationship to be healthy and fulfilling again, and positive feelings naturally result.

 

You've also had a baby, so I will throw out the question of postpartum depression or blues into the mix.

 

Now, I said, "if you were well matched to begin with." Perhaps you are realizing that you weren't. And that's heavy and something you must consider; IC would be good for that. I can completely understand why you wouldn't want a marriage where you only have sex a few times a year. He is not meeting your needs, and I would need that to change to go forward. If he has issues with impotence, he can still try to please you in other ways while you figure out what's behind his problems. I would expect him to get healthier, seek medical help, try medications and supplements, etc. Since you have a baby, I'd at least give it a shot before giving up, especially since he seems to finally be coming around. But it's your life and you know better than anyone if it's realistic to expect any change from him.

 

You're completely spot on, and it just makes me want to cry. I feel like I am realizing that we weren't a good match from the start. I came from a very dysfunctional family and divorce is not something I want for my son.

 

Nothing against anyone else, but I went through that as a child, and it was a really bad experience. I told my husband the other day that I wouldn't leave, that I would stay in an unhappy marriage for our son. He didn't like that. He said he didn't want to be in a sham marriage, and that he rather divorce and give me everything.

 

I don't want to divorce, I don't want to raise my son with 50/50 custody. I don't want that life.

 

He was prescribed Viagra, because the doctor thought he had erectile dysfunction. They didn't really do any official tests. He just went in because it took a while for me to get pregnant, and I was frustrated that he couldn't perform when I needed him to.

 

He gets upset that I don't try or initiate, but the reason why I don't is because I don't want to initiate and then him not be able to perform. I don't want to put the pressure on him, and then make myself feel like I'm not adequate enough. I never had this issue in past relationships. I thought I was an attractive female, but now I think otherwise.

 

I think I do suffer from some PPD. I am sure that's not helping the situation. I just feel so lost. I never thought I would be one of those couples that are going through all these issues. I never thought I would consider or even bring up divorce.

[SammySammy]

It's common to fall in and out of love during a marriage. Actually, I think marriage is about maintaining a relationship more than being in love. Love is good to have, but, sadly, I don't think it's a priority or even a necessity to sustain a marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

He was prescribed Viagra, because the doctor thought he had erectile dysfunction. They didn't really do any official tests. He just went in because it took a while for me to get pregnant, and I was frustrated that he couldn't perform when I needed him to.

 

How old are the two of you? What had been his amount of sexual experience before he met you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Isabella82]

How old are the two of you? What had been his amount of sexual experience before he met you?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm 33, he is 36.

 

He has had other partners, and one serious relationship before me. He was single for about 7 years when we started dating, and he had a few friends with benefits situations.

 

According to him, they all initiated it, and he just went along with it. Who knows. I actually believe him, because I know how he is. I even asked him if he was gay, and I don't think he is.

 

I honestly think that maybe he prefers being alone, masturbating, over having sexual relations. I think that maybe he got used to that from being single for so long. I think he rather just watch porn and handle himself.

 

When we do have sex he has to get himself excited first. It so freaking depressing for me. He isn't into foreplay. I can't remember the last time he went down on me. It's probably been 3 years.

 

Most of the time I feel okay about it, because he is a good guy, and I never worry about him cheating on me.... obviously. I think that lately since we have a baby, and not a whole lot of time to ourselves, I just feel so disconnected from him.

[dichotomy]

I am sorry for what your going through and I do understand a bit of what your saying.

 

Outside of reasons of low sex or cheating or something - I do think peoples feelings of love can change over the long years of a marriage and kids. My wife had an emotional affair early in our marriage and I can admit that a lot of the "feeling" I had for her left back then. However we have been married long enough now with kids, that what i define as love has changed and my feelings have changed over the years as well.

 

The sexual component is tough because as you say "he has always been this way" - with you and with others. Its not like he was highly sexual at some point and changed.

 

I also understand (very well) about your reasons and view about not divorcing.

 

What are your options

 

1) You could try couples therapy with a sex therapist - there are sites to find certified sex counselors.

 

2) You could divorce - but other than the sex he appears to be a good dad and ok partner ?.

 

3) You could just find ways to cope without sex from another person. Masturbation/toys, hobbies, other passions and interests, etc.

 

4) You could cheat. A married woman could easily find a decent looking no strings attached lover(s). Its a lot easier for a woman - less risks than a married man seeking same. You have to resolve any moral issues with cheating (seeing as he abandoned you sexually it might be possible) and you have to understand if your the kind of person that can have sex without strong emotions (FB or FWB).

 

5) You could ask for an open marriage with some sort of rules he would be okay with.

 

I think thats about all your choices - and you might try several.

Edited April 12, 2016 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

This is actually an attraction issue.

 

The fact that you stated you wishes he was like a "normal" man means his lack of sexual vigor has made you lose respect for him and women can desire men they don't respect.

 

He needs to pump up the volume and turn up his masculinity dial to stimulate your desire and your butterflies again.

 

I suggest you get him the book, "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" by Athol Kay.

 

It's about how men can get their sexy back and stimulate their desire again.

 

The crux will be getting him to hear you out and take it seriously. It make take something drastic to get him to wake up and smell the roses.

[Isabella82]

 

What are your options

 

1) You could try couples therapy with a sex therapist - there are sites to find certified sex counselors.

 

2) You could divorce - but other than the sex he appears to be a good dad and ok partner ?.

 

3) You could just find ways to cope without sex from another person. Masturbation/toys, hobbies, other passions and interests, etc.

 

4) You could cheat. A married woman could easily find a decent looking no strings attached lover(s). Its a lot easier for a woman - less risks than a married man seeking same. You have to resolve any moral issues with cheating (seeing as he abandoned you sexually it might be possible) and you have to understand if your the kind of person that can have sex without strong emotions (FB or FWB).

 

5) You could ask for an open marriage with some sort of rules he would be okay with.

 

Thanks, and I know you're right.

 

I asked my husband many years ago if he would be interested in an open marriage. He said absolutely not.

 

I have thought about stepping out in our marriage. I know all too well how easy it is for women to cheat. I can absolutely do the whole friends with benefits with no strings attached. I've done it before for a whole year, and the guy was the one who wanted more. I didn't. Back then I didn't want more with the guy because he wasn't really what I was looking for long term.

 

That's what kills me about this whole thing and what I can't understand is that on paper my husband and I are so great for each other.

 

We both want the same things. We both have similar jobs since we met at work. We both have been promoted over the years and make great salaries together. We paid off all his debt over the years, and are now debt free (besides our mortgage). We did all of this in preparation to having a baby.

 

And now what? All that for what? For me to be miserable. I don't know. I feel like I should just be able to accept him the way that he is and enjoy the life we have together. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me.

 

Counseling might be in our future. He doesn't like counseling, but I know he would go if I suggested it.

[dichotomy]

Thanks, and I know you're right.

 

I asked my husband many years ago if he would be interested in an open marriage. He said absolutely not.

 

I have thought about stepping out in our marriage. I know all too well how easy it is for women to cheat. I can absolutely do the whole friends with benefits with no strings attached. I've done it before for a whole year, and the guy was the one who wanted more. I didn't. Back then I didn't want more with the guy because he wasn't really what I was looking for long term.

 

That's what kills me about this whole thing and what I can't understand is that on paper my husband and I are so great for each other.

 

We both want the same things. We both have similar jobs since we met at work. We both have been promoted over the years and make great salaries together. We paid off all his debt over the years, and are now debt free (besides our mortgage). We did all of this in preparation to having a baby.

 

And now what? All that for what? For me to be miserable. I don't know. I feel like I should just be able to accept him the way that he is and enjoy the life we have together. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me.

 

Counseling might be in our future. He doesn't like counseling, but I know he would go if I suggested it.

 

You were single with the FWB guy, as a married woman a guy would know the rules and boundaries and you would need to keep it more FB then FWB. However it sounds like you can compartmentalize.

 

Anyway..

 

If he has always had a low sex drive .....its easier to understand right ? Its not like he switched off after the baby or the wedding? I mean you have been accepting this for a long while - what about having a baby and debt free or job success or anything would ignite his drive like never before? But hope is always there - i know that to - "maybe this will change my spouse, no maybe this will, or this, or..."

 

But I get your frustration over why why why. When it appears there is nothing with you - and their probably is not anything with you. Thats what our therapist said (very strongly) to my wife.

 

I think there are two reasons people may have sex - for their own needs/wants ... and for their partners needs/wants. Its nice when a partner can work both sides - or the sides are one in the same.

 

He knows he is not meeting your sexual needs - but simply tries to do what he can to please you - outside of sex. I never understood this view - If I got paralyzed below the waist I would still be up for pleasing my gal with all means available to me and her - if she wanted or needed me too, because I like pleasing.

 

Maybe you can find a therapist through this site.

 

https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory

Edited April 12, 2016 by dichotomy

[Isabella82]

Thanks!

 

Sorry for not clarifying I guess what I meant was that we're good for each other in mostly every other way. We're both great people, with good careers and we both want the best for our son.

 

It just kills me that this is just the one thing that we don't see eye to eye on. It makes me upset that we have so much going for us, but we lack something that has always come so easy in every other relationship that I have ever had.

 

Even when I bring it up, it's nothing but him getting really upset about it to the point of crying. And then we both go to bed upset....with STILL no action.

 

I feel like every time I bring it up I'm just beating a dead horse.

 

Then I start thinking you know even though we're young (33 & 36) years old, maybe we're normal living in a sexless marriage. Maybe I just need to accept it and be happy with the other positive things in our lives.

 

I try to be okay with the lack of passion in our marriage, but then for me it just comes out in other ways. I find myself no longer attracted to my husband like that because we go so long without doing anything.

 

Then when he tries to touch me whether that just be a hug or a pat on my knee I just get grossed out. I feel like he doesn't know how to touch me. Even when we have had relations of any kind, he just isn't very good. We don't mesh well in that way.

 

I wonder how many people would stay and be happy in that kind of relationship. I have dreams all the time of ex lovers. I even had one contact me a few years ago, wanting to meet up.

 

I've been tempted to contact him, because I know he would be willing. The issue is that he is married with 2 babies, and I don't want to be a home wrecker. I don't want to do that to his wife. I would possibly do that if he were single, but he isn't.

 

Anyway, sorry for the rambling. I think I'll look into some counseling, because at this point I don't know what else to do.

[ShatteredLady]

I'll take time to write later in more detail but one thing jumped out at me (remember all the members here come with their own histories & im no exception).

 

My H is kind of similar to yours except it more 'stages'. If he's in shape & happy (so rarely) we can have a decent sex life but we can also go very long stretches of time without any action. I thought I was an attractive woman too but I haven't been single for a very long time now. Men still look but nothing kills self esteem like rejection...

 

Actually there is something worse ADULTERY! (Back to the thing that jumped out at me) Please don't think that your situation makes your H immune to infidelity down the road! A low sex marriage also hugely effects his self confidence.

 

My H has never been hit-on a lot by women. I now believe he's never said no to an opportunity because he's so flattered! Some guys paid a woman to have sex with him on his stag party (music festival) he was "relieved" that he was so out of it because he knew he wouldn't be able to perform!! Not "No, I'm getting married", not "No, I'm faithful to my partner" just "Sorry, I can't perform I'm too wasted!".

 

He doesn't know how to be 'rude'. I honestly think that's why he's cheated!! He can't say no! My H's affairs have been VERY emotional. Don't believe that's better than physical...it's worse!

 

If you don't sort this issue you will BOTH be extremely vulnerable to adultery & you will be so blindsided it will send you into shock like you can't imagine if he cheats.

 

Are you working, studying? Don't become too dependent on your H. That is now my advise to ALL women but particularly those in 'vulnerable marriages'. Hope & work for the best but plan for the worst.

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this with a little baby. I bought the tshirt if you want one!

[xxoo]

Is he gay?

 

Is he addicted to porn and jerking off?

 

7 years without kissing??? Sounds like he isn't attracted to you, which sounds like he's gay....

[Ladyjane14]

I wouldn't rule out low testosterone or performance anxiety.

[dgiirl]

If you don't object to the random rare religious reference, I would take a listen to one extraordinary marriage podcast. I found quite a few of the podcasts interesting to help keep focus on the marriage with an active sex life. It might help your partner too.

[ShatteredLady]

Is he physically very insecure? Has he put on a lot of weight? Does he suffer with low self-esteem? My H didn't have a girl friend until after university & I think that has effected him a lot. He didn't have a lot of relationships or experience before we got together. His best friend was always a VERY popular ladies man.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wouldn't rule out low testosterone or performance anxiety.

 

Especially at 36 years old, he should be chasing you.

 

I was frustrated that he couldn't perform when I needed him to.

 

He may indeed have been reacting to the pressure, started a cycle of self-doubt and conflict avoidance...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dolfin80]

No kiss for 7 years......

 

Never mind the no sex, NO KISSING FOR 7 YEARS.....that is unbelievable.

 

I have no words, that is weird, why are you even together?

 

No kissing for 7 years is outrageous.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Have you asked him to stop watching porn for a while?

[dreamingoftigers]

Is he gay?

 

Is he addicted to porn and jerking off?

 

7 years without kissing??? Sounds like he isn't attracted to you, which sounds like he's gay....

 

That's porn. Every time I see this, it's porn.

 

Ugh. My sexlife has more than doubled (even tripled) since my husband got away from it. But of course anyone familiar with my story knows it was a pretty destructuve force in my M overall. And it's still lower than I'd like. So yeah, take a "lower-desire guy" and redirect that to porn and you end up with practically nothing, a poor kisser, lazy in bed when he does show up, and you stuck initiating everything and still getting shot down more often than not.

 

I think if I found it again after all of the withholding of affection etc. In my marriage, I would have ZERO problem leaving if he didn't agree go an open M. But honestly, I'd probably just leave.

[dreamingoftigers]

Have you asked him to stop watching porn for a while?

 

It's obvious but rarely works. Guys like this really bond with their porn and get supet-defensive, even teenagery about it.

 

This guy sounds like a teenager. That's no fun to live with. (Ask me how I know)

[Isabella82]

Thanks for everyone's comments. I don't disagree with any of the comments on here, and even questioned them all myself. No kissing for 7 years? Yeah, pretty crazy... I KNOW!!! But really, the way we became a couple I think didn't help the situation at all. I think that's really what made us last as long as we have.

 

We first met at work in 2006. I was in a dysfunctional serious relationship at the time. The only thing my ex and I had going for us was we both liked to go out and had amazing sex. Over the years of working with my husband, I developed a huge crush on him. I thought he was cute, but more importantly, he was funny, outgoing, and everyone at work just loved him. He was single, which made me wonder if he was gay. At the time I was 22, he was 25.

 

We hung out a lot over the years, but I didn't think anything of it because he had (still does) a ton a female friends. He is the type of person who could become best friends with a 60 year old female etc which is very rare to find. He has many female platonic relationships. I loved that about him, because my ex was a sexiest pig, who never thought females/males could have a platonic relationship.

 

Anyway, I broke up with my ex because I could never see myself marrying him, so I was wasting my time. I broke up with him in 2007, and then about 7 months later, in 2008 I started dating my husband. Since we worked together we kept our relationship a secret. There was of course no hand holding, no kissing, no real conversation while in the office together. We moved in together after one year of dating, and still no one at work knew.

 

I think that didn't help the situation at all. We just got used to acting that way towards each other. I bought it up a bunch of times, but I fell in love with the guy I knew he was from working with him for all those years.

 

I even asked him if he was gay, which made him feel even worse about himself, and it definitely ruined his confidence in the bedroom.

[Isabella82]

That's porn. Every time I see this, it's porn.

 

Ugh. My sexlife has more than doubled (even tripled) since my husband got away from it. But of course anyone familiar with my story knows it was a pretty destructuve force in my M overall. And it's still lower than I'd like. So yeah, take a "lower-desire guy" and redirect that to porn and you end up with practically nothing, a poor kisser, lazy in bed when he does show up, and you stuck initiating everything and still getting shot down more often than not.

 

I think if I found it again after all of the withholding of affection etc. In my marriage, I would have ZERO problem leaving if he didn't agree go an open M. But honestly, I'd probably just leave.

 

Porn? Yup, I believe that's an issue. I have never opening caught him watching it, but one day he was showing me pictures on his phone, and a porn pic showed up. I was of course hurt and pissed, and brought it up because we lacked that in our relationship.

 

I suspect he rather just watch porn and masturbate because it's easy and less pressure. Then once I caught him masturbating in the shower, and again that caused another huge fight.

 

He works in IT, so I have never seen it on our computer at home, but it would be easy for him to hide it. I never asked him to stop, but I did tell him that it hurts me that he rather do that then be with me.

[dichotomy]

Do you have any idea how much porn he is viewing - if at all ?