Falling out of love after having a baby

[Isabella82]

 

My H is kind of similar to yours except it more 'stages'. If he's in shape & happy (so rarely) we can have a decent sex life but we can also go very long stretches of time without any action. I thought I was an attractive woman too but I haven't been single for a very long time now. Men still look but nothing kills self esteem like rejection...

 

Actually there is something worse ADULTERY! (Back to the thing that jumped out at me) Please don't think that your situation makes your H immune to infidelity down the road! A low sex marriage also hugely effects his self confidence.

!

 

This did stick out to me. You're right, he still could cheat. Especially if I put too much pressure on him and I lower his self confidence. I am a pretty realistic person, so if that were to happen I wouldn't be completely shocked. I would just be more hurt.

[Isabella82]

Do you have any idea how much porn he is viewing - if at all ?

 

I honestly have no idea, but if he did it couldn't possibly be that much. We both work exactly the same hours, and have off on the same days. We are together 24/7 outside of work for the most part.

 

If he did, I would guess it would be at night. We sleep in separate bedrooms. I know that's bad, but with a baby it's the only way I can get some sleep. Our baby still isn't sleeping through the night, so we take turns watching him at night. On the nights that my husband watches the baby, I sleep in another room so that I can't hear him get up with the baby, etc...

[Isabella82]

UPDATE

 

We talked about it again last night and agreed that we should go see a counselor. He was a wreck all day at work thinking that we were over. He cried, got upset, basically again told me he would give me everything including full custody. Told me he didn't want to do 50/50 with our son. He said he rather rent an apartment close to our house, and come over everyday after work, and then leave at night to his own place.

 

Of course, logically, that sort of set up wouldn't work, but it doesn't matter because that's not going to happen.

 

I think I finally realized now what the problem is and it is upsetting. My husband is not from the US. He was born and raised in an Asian country. His family came over here when he was 14. They are really nice people, but they lack affection. It is a cultural thing. He told me how he never saw his parents be affectionate towards each other. No hand holding, no hugging, no kissing, not even an I love you. His family doesn't even say I love you to each other.

 

It's different for me and it's hard. I start wondering why I married him to begin with if I knew he was so different than me. It makes me very sad. This is how he is. This is how he was raised. He was raised to respect women at level that most American's don't. He won't talk back to his mother, he won't talk ill about her. He also doesn't initiate much. He told me once when we were dating that he didn't want to have sex with me while drunk, because then I couldn't fully consent. It's so crazy to me.

 

We agreed to work on our differences for the sake of our son. It's so hard for me because being raised in such a dysfunctional family, I tried so hard to make better decisions about my own life. I somehow missed all of the signs.

 

I told him I needed more affection. I like cuddling. These are things he still doesn't know after 7 years of being together. If he is willing to try, than I am willing to try too.

[Isabella82]

I just made my first appointment with a therapist. I think I have postpartum depression. I've known it for a long time, but since it was never to the point of harming myself or my son I just kept on ignoring it.

 

I know my husband and I have intimacy issues, but I think my postpartum depression is making it worse. If I don't attempt to go talk to someone, I can see my marriage ending.

 

I keep on going back and forth with my feelings, and I am driving myself nuts. I am scared, but I need to try for my son. My son deserves better than this. I can be better than this. Last night we had a huge fight in front of my son. I will not live like that. I refuse.

 

This needs to change before he starts realizing what is going on.

 

I don't have high hopes that talking to someone will magically make me feel better. I really don't want to take medication, because my mother and stepfather abuse prescription drugs.

 

It has torn the family apart, and they have lost everything because of it. My parents are addicts. Hopefully I can get some sort of help, other than medication. I don't even take advil or tylonel. I don't even like the sound of pills in a container.

[dichotomy]

Most medications to treat depression are NOT addictive. I have taken many types in the past and there is no worry about abusing them. If you need to take antidepressant medications - take them - for you and your sons sake - get healthy.

 

Then deal with your husbands issues (which are significant).

 

Best wishes for you.

Edited April 13, 2016 by dichotomy

[BettyDraper]

UPDATE

 

We talked about it again last night and agreed that we should go see a counselor. He was a wreck all day at work thinking that we were over. He cried, got upset, basically again told me he would give me everything including full custody. Told me he didn't want to do 50/50 with our son. He said he rather rent an apartment close to our house, and come over everyday after work, and then leave at night to his own place.

 

Of course, logically, that sort of set up wouldn't work, but it doesn't matter because that's not going to happen.

 

I think I finally realized now what the problem is and it is upsetting. My husband is not from the US. He was born and raised in an Asian country. His family came over here when he was 14. They are really nice people, but they lack affection. It is a cultural thing. He told me how he never saw his parents be affectionate towards each other. No hand holding, no hugging, no kissing, not even an I love you. His family doesn't even say I love you to each other.

 

It's different for me and it's hard. I start wondering why I married him to begin with if I knew he was so different than me. It makes me very sad. This is how he is. This is how he was raised. He was raised to respect women at level that most American's don't. He won't talk back to his mother, he won't talk ill about her. He also doesn't initiate much. He told me once when we were dating that he didn't want to have sex with me while drunk, because then I couldn't fully consent. It's so crazy to me.

 

We agreed to work on our differences for the sake of our son. It's so hard for me because being raised in such a dysfunctional family, I tried so hard to make better decisions about my own life. I somehow missed all of the signs.

 

I told him I needed more affection. I like cuddling. These are things he still doesn't know after 7 years of being together. If he is willing to try, than I am willing to try too.

 

My husband is not Asian but he was raised in a very reserved family.

He rarely saw his parents show affection and my in-laws never told my husband that they loved him. He was not raised with any hugs or kisses.

 

When we started dating, my husband was very cold and wasn't affectionate. He says that my cuddly nature rubbed off on him. After nearly ten years together, my husband is the one who is more affectionate and sexual than I am. We've switched roles. I'm trying to reawaken that side of me because my husband has told me that he feels lonely and unloved. We had sex twice last night.

 

Try to be patient with your husband. Cultural conditioning is very hard to overcome. I was raised with an iron fist and it's resulted in me developing OCD as well as other emotional challenges. Before you and your husband attend counseling together, he needs to see a therapist by himself to learn how his upbringing contributed to the way he approaches sex. Poor man really doesn't know any other way to behave. You were attracted to him because he was the opposite of your ex and that's okay.

 

My husband didn't want to have sex with me for the first time when I was drunk either. He's always been a gentleman. There's nothing wrong with a man having a moral centre.

[Isabella82]

Thank you!! This gives me so much hope!

 

I find it so bizarre that my husband's family isn't affectionate towards each other. They don't say I love you, and they don't give each other hugs. It definitely makes holidays interesting when my brothers go in for a hug with my mother in law, and she is not used to that sort of affection.

 

Anyway, I will try. I won't give up. I am a pessimistic/realistic person in general, and I am trying so hard to think we can make things better.

 

How did you make the changes? What did you do? I need some tips here. One of my favorites things to do with a boyfriend is cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. My husband and I have never done this. It's mostly because he can't watch a movie sideways (weird I know)

 

The fact that I've been with more people than he has I think lowers his self confidence and makes him feel inadequate. Stupid me will say things like my ex did this and my ex did that, just because I get so frustrated I don't know how else to get him to change.

 

I remember one time when we first started dating, he was living at home with his parents temporarily and I was also living with my parents. His parents were extremely strict, and wouldn't let me spend the night even though he was 30 years old at the time.

 

My friend was going out of town for the weekend, so I asked her if we could stay at her house. We did and I was so excited to finally be able to get some alone time with him and be able to spend the night together. Anyway, we watched a movie together and then finally decided to go to sleep. I was so excited thinking how finally we could be intimate.

 

We get into bed, and guess what? He went to sleep. It had probably been 2-3 months since the last time he had sex at that point. I laid in bed next to him and cried myself to sleep. The next morning he could tell I was upset and I blew up at him. I told him how I used to have sex with one of my exes 5 times a night when we were together.

 

I know my comments like that don't help the situation, but I just have a hard time understanding.

 

We talked about it recently, and he told me that night he was so tired "because he was up the night before playing video games". That even made me more upset because I told him if he knew he was going to be with me the following day/night, he should've wanted to get enough rest so that we could have some time together.

 

One time during one of our fights he told me how he felt like sex was a chore. After that I shut down for a while. When I think about it all, I am shocked I have never cheated. That's the sort of person I am. I am incredibly faithful.

[Dolfin80]

O dear. You too arent on the same page in terms of sex. He doesnt need it at all and you do.

 

Telling him that you had sex with ur ex 5 times a night will make things worse. He isnt like that, his needs are very different.

 

Unfortunately you 2 arent sexually compatible. Im very low sex drive and theres no way id be capable of being with someone how has a high drive. I simply dont need sex. Sounds like he is the same.

[BettyDraper]

Thank you!! This gives me so much hope!

 

I find it so bizarre that my husband's family isn't affectionate towards each other. They don't say I love you, and they don't give each other hugs. It definitely makes holidays interesting when my brothers go in for a hug with my mother in law, and she is not used to that sort of affection.

 

Anyway, I will try. I won't give up. I am a pessimistic/realistic person in general, and I am trying so hard to think we can make things better.

 

How did you make the changes? What did you do? I need some tips here. One of my favorites things to do with a boyfriend is cuddle on the couch while watching a movie. My husband and I have never done this. It's mostly because he can't watch a movie sideways (weird I know)

 

The fact that I've been with more people than he has I think lowers his self confidence and makes him feel inadequate. Stupid me will say things like my ex did this and my ex did that, just because I get so frustrated I don't know how else to get him to change.

 

I remember one time when we first started dating, he was living at home with his parents temporarily and I was also living with my parents. His parents were extremely strict, and wouldn't let me spend the night even though he was 30 years old at the time.

 

My friend was going out of town for the weekend, so I asked her if we could stay at her house. We did and I was so excited to finally be able to get some alone time with him and be able to spend the night together. Anyway, we watched a movie together and then finally decided to go to sleep. I was so excited thinking how finally we could be intimate.

 

We get into bed, and guess what? He went to sleep. It had probably been 2-3 months since the last time he had sex at that point. I laid in bed next to him and cried myself to sleep. The next morning he could tell I was upset and I blew up at him. I told him how I used to have sex with one of my exes 5 times a night when we were together.

 

I know my comments like that don't help the situation, but I just have a hard time understanding.

 

We talked about it recently, and he told me that night he was so tired "because he was up the night before playing video games". That even made me more upset because I told him if he knew he was going to be with me the following day/night, he should've wanted to get enough rest so that we could have some time together.

 

One time during one of our fights he told me how he felt like sex was a chore. After that I shut down for a while. When I think about it all, I am shocked I have never cheated. That's the sort of person I am. I am incredibly faithful.

 

Comparing your husband to your exes is not helpful or kind.

He isn't going to want to be affectionate if you're saying such things.

I understand your frustration but I feel like I should let you know what doesn't work since you asked for tips.

 

There is no formula for coaxing a reserved person into being more affectionate. I used to give my husband a lot of kisses and hugs. I also let him know that such actions made me feel special and closer to him. I let my husband know that he really knew how to touch a woman. I told him that every time he touched me, I just craved more of his touch because it felt so good. All of this made him feel loved and especially masculine.

 

Now that I am the more reserved partner, my husband handles this by letting me know when he feels neglected. This prompts me to focus on his needs. He also patiently listens when I share my reasons for being cold and keeps on reaching out.

[Who_took_my_name]

It's this sort of story that worries me, I'm a very affectionate person and ensure I'm like that with the kids. The worry for me though is that because of whatever the reason for my wife's utter lack of affection (I think a lot has to do with her parents having separate rooms because her dad often worked nights so she isn't see them being affectionate and "coupley" but who can tell) and intimacy they don't see us doing that and I don't want it to shape them.

[oldshirt]

As this thread progresses and more information and description comes available, it is my humble opinion you two are simply incompatible and he is a dud in bed.

 

 

for you two to click sexually, he either needs to morph into another person or you need to morph into another person.

 

 

IMHO, if someone says sex with their spouse is a "chore" to them, it's game over.

 

 

If you had had great sex in the beginning and he couldn't keep his hands off of you and the fire died down after the baby came and everyone was stressed and distracted but the interest was still there, I'd say give it more time and work together to see if you can meet in the middle somewhere and over time as the baby needs less 24/7 hands on care things will pick up over time.

 

 

And I could even see if you had put on a bunch of baby weight and was always fussing with the baby, his sexual interest may take a temporary hit and then bounce back over time as the weight comes off and the baby takes less time and energy over time, I'd say things could get better.

 

 

But seeing how he has never really been your stud muffin and this has always been an issue and it continues to trend downhill over time, IMHO you are simply barking up a wrong tree and waiting for the dead horse to rot.

 

 

You've mentioned cheating a few times, it's just a matter of time. It's inevitable.

 

 

The day is going to come whether it be next week, next month or next year, you are going to turn some guys head and make his heart skip a beat and he is going to come a knock'n and make you an offer you can't refuse.

 

 

I'm not saying that as a disparagement to your character or integrity, just stating fact. We all need love'n and passion and intimacy and you aren't getting it from your H. Someone else out there is going to be more than happy to provide it to you and the day will come that your paths are going to cross.

 

 

Your young and vital enough now that you can hit the reset button and still have a loving and passionate life with someone else.

 

 

To think that you will simply be able to ride this out and continue down this downhill path forever and be sitting there 20 years from now in a completely sexless and affectionless, roommate marriage is simply unrealistic.

 

 

Get to the gym and work off the baby fat. Get a new updated wardrobe and new hairstyle and get polished up and looking sharp. Then give him the ultimatum of step up to the plate or step out of the way.

 

 

It's going to happen regardless of what you do so you might as well take the bull by the horns and make it happen on your terms and to your advantage.

[BettyDraper]

It's this sort of story that worries me, I'm a very affectionate person and ensure I'm like that with the kids. The worry for me though is that because of whatever the reason for my wife's utter lack of affection (I think a lot has to do with her parents having separate rooms because her dad often worked nights so she isn't see them being affectionate and "coupley" but who can tell) and intimacy they don't see us doing that and I don't want it to shape them.

 

My parents never kissed in front of me.

 

They held hands once in a while and cuddled but that is all.

 

I still grew up to be very affectionate; my parents were quite demonstrative with both of their children.

[Got it]

Not saying this is an element to his behavior but throwing it out there, my husband has an issue with french kissing. He will do it, and did so in the beginning but has let me know that it is a struggle as it triggers him on his sexual abuse as a child.

 

We have discussed and we compromise as I need and love kissing but I am also appreciative of triggers he may have due to the sexual abuse.

 

 

Just a thought.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Im with oldshirt. I dont know how you fix something that never worked to begin with. Unless you are rewriting history here, I wonder how you ended up married to this guy in the first place.

 

I would insist on individual counselling and mareiage counselling, and a physical to check his testosterone levels. But if all of that doesnt start producing results in a reasonable time frame... you might as well get out there while youre still young, cause youll be single eventually.

Edited April 15, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[Isabella82]

Thanks, yes I sadly agree. How am I supposed to fix something that never worked to begin with is a very good point.

 

I feel depressed that I stayed with him as long as I have, and even married him knowing all of this. I think I got tied up in the fact that I had a crush on him for years, before we started dating. He is also nice, funny, outgoing, and trustworthy.

 

Part of it too is that through the years we both advanced in our careers and it's to the point now where we have financial stability. I grew up poor. It greatly worries me that I might have to be on my own again without a dual income. It is doable, don't get me wrong, but it won't be as comfortable as we are together.

 

We talked again last night and he really wants to try again. We talked about what it is I need, in great detail, which I have never really done before. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

 

I wish I could say it's as easy as gaining a little baby weight. I did gain a lot of weight during my pregnancy (60+lbs) but I lost it all within 3-4 months after giving birth. It was from a pregnancy complication. I am 5'2, 110lbs, and I have always been this size. I'm a size 2. I wish I could post a picture because lately I have been feeling so unattractive, but I rather not.

 

I don't know. I think my husband is just too easy going and not one to complain. For all I know he could've been unhappy about this part of our lives, and never told me.

 

He told me last night he needs more hugs, more random kisses, more random I love you's. I really just want more sex. I feel like such a dude. He also told me that a lot of his past relationships both him and the girl initiated 50/50, whereas with me I'm used to the guy mostly initiating. That is something I will have to work on with myself.

 

Believe it or not he even wants to have another baby. I really don't.

[oldshirt]

 

Believe it or not he even wants to have another baby. I really don't.

 

Hopefully this is a no brainier but you should obviously not have any more kids with him unless this situation is completely resolved.

 

Another kid will make this 100 times worse.

[Isabella82]

Hopefully this is a no brainier but you should obviously not have any more kids with him unless this situation is completely resolved.

 

Another kid will make this 100 times worse.

 

Yup, absolutely no more kids. I think having a baby in the first place is what has got us to this point. We don't have the time like we normally do to talk as much and just do things on our own.

 

I think I would be happy with just one child. I am not old, but older, and I had a serious complication from pregnancy. Severe preeclampsia. I really have no desire to go through all of that again, it was pretty traumatic to me. I had to have an emergency c section and I had to stay at the hospital for 5 days because the doctor was too worried that I would have a stroke from high blood pressure. I was 32.

[oldshirt]

If you are serious about staying and working on this M, then you need to look up the term "alpha widow."

 

Alpha widow is a term in the PUA community that describes a woman who has had one or more passionate relationships with very sexually vigorous, masculine and passionate men and now are having trouble finding another man that can measure up to that high water mark.

 

This is why many men are leery about becoming seriously involved with women that have been around the block a lot more than them. Getting an alpha widow is a very high risk venture for men if they aren't meeting the high water mark and you have let your H know in no uncertain terms that he is not.

 

You married your H for comfort, stability and financial security. You did not marry him for passion or his sexual prowess. You are now missing that sexual energy and passion. ........badly.

 

For this M to work out and to keep you from walking away and to keep you out of other men's beds, your H is going to have to pump up the volume big time.

 

If you insist on trying to work this out, then I will recommend the books I mentioned earlier in the thread.

 

Be warned he may not want to change into a more sexually assertive person and even if he does want to, he may not be able to do it.

 

You married him because he is a 'Nice Guy' and for the stability and security he provides. You can ask him to change but he may not be able to do it or even want to.

[RecentChange]

I can't wrap my head around the no kissing for 7 years - that predates the marriage, yes? But I couldn't go a week without a deep kiss, let alone years...

 

I suspect, you are a bit like me, in that touch is my "love language" (as cheesy as that sounds), don't shower me with gifts, DESIRE me, touch me, hold me, sexually and otherwise.

 

I also going to agree with some other posters, you can't blame this all on his parents relationship - while my dad is most def. the "I love you" huggy type - I never saw my parents express anything but vitrol for each other before they divorced when the was young... Yet I am still touchy, feely, and sexual.

 

Good luck OP - I just.... Can't see him doing a 180, nor you being satisfied with his lack of physical attention. Too bad he won't consider an open marriage arrangement being as he can't meet your NEEDS.

[ShatteredLady]

I've posted this on the other 'no sex' threads going at the moment so you've probably read it already...

 

The subject came-up with a large group of women at Mums club. Something (advised by therapists) that many said worked was the banning sex, except for 1 day a week thing.

 

The idea is that you give eachother massages, bath together, do pretty much anything but NO SEX except for the day you've chosen. The idea being, you're getting 'safely' physically close without the expectation (or worry) of sex. In the end you're so sexually stimulated that you just can't wait until Saturday night!

 

I've never tried it but a lot said it worked.

 

The other big one is being medically checked-out by specialists. Hormones, medications, depression, stress etc can make a huge difference. It needs to be SPECIALISTS though. Not just regular GP tests.

[BettyDraper]

If you are serious about staying and working on this M, then you need to look up the term "alpha widow."

 

Alpha widow is a term in the PUA community that describes a woman who has had one or more passionate relationships with very sexually vigorous, masculine and passionate men and now are having trouble finding another man that can measure up to that high water mark.

 

This is why many men are leery about becoming seriously involved with women that have been around the block a lot more than them. Getting an alpha widow is a very high risk venture for men if they aren't meeting the high water mark and you have let your H know in no uncertain terms that he is not.

 

You married your H for comfort, stability and financial security. You did not marry him for passion or his sexual prowess. You are now missing that sexual energy and passion. ........badly.

 

For this M to work out and to keep you from walking away and to keep you out of other men's beds, your H is going to have to pump up the volume big time.

 

If you insist on trying to work this out, then I will recommend the books I mentioned earlier in the thread.

 

Be warned he may not want to change into a more sexually assertive person and even if he does want to, he may not be able to do it.

 

You married him because he is a 'Nice Guy' and for the stability and security he provides. You can ask him to change but he may not be able to do it or even want to.

 

Very true. I will add that man has to have a bit of beta in him to be a good husband. Alpha all the time is not healthy.

[oldshirt]

Very true. I will add that man has to have a bit of beta in him to be a good husband. Alpha all the time is not healthy.

 

 

 

I try to not use the alpha/beta jargon much as it makes it sound like some kind of PUA talk or jr high kids trying to sound macho.

 

 

Lets just put it this way - to be a good husband you have to have a lot of different positive traits. To be a great lover, you only need a few and often times great lovers will make for crappy spouses.

 

 

To be a great husband, you also need to be at least a satisfactory lover. Isabella's husband isn't.

 

 

He may be a good husband in regards to being kind, dependable, good father, financially secure, faithful etc etc but he is dropping the ball big time in the sexy and passionate department. He needs to pump up the volume big time if he wants to keep her around and keep her out of other men's beds.

 

 

To use the alpha/beta jargon, he has the good beta traits but is sorely lacking in the alpha. He needs to keep the good beta but turn up the alpha dial considerably.

 

 

This is why I have recommended Athol Kay's books as this is exactly what his books and videos and coaching etc are all about it is finding that proper balance between alpha and beta.

[BettyDraper]

I try to not use the alpha/beta jargon much as it makes it sound like some kind of PUA talk or jr high kids trying to sound macho.

 

 

Lets just put it this way - to be a good husband you have to have a lot of different positive traits. To be a great lover, you only need a few and often times great lovers will make for crappy spouses.

 

 

To be a great husband, you also need to be at least a satisfactory lover. Isabella's husband isn't.

 

 

He may be a good husband in regards to being kind, dependable, good father, financially secure, faithful etc etc but he is dropping the ball big time in the sexy and passionate department. He needs to pump up the volume big time if he wants to keep her around and keep her out of other men's beds.

 

 

To use the alpha/beta jargon, he has the good beta traits but is sorely lacking in the alpha. He needs to keep the good beta but turn up the alpha dial considerably.

 

 

This is why I have recommended Athol Kay's books as this is exactly what his books and videos and coaching etc are all about it is finding that proper balance between alpha and beta.

 

Oh wow...I only used that jargon because Athol Kay does and I wanted to show that I agree with your advice.

 

Sorry if the jargon was too immature and irritated you.

[oldshirt]

Oh wow...I only used that jargon because Athol Kay does and I wanted to show that I agree with your advice.

 

Sorry if the jargon was too immature and irritated you.

 

 

 

Oh no! You way misinterpreted me, I was not the least bit irritated at all and I was not accusing you of being immature in the slightest.

 

 

Your statement was right on the money, I was just saying that I personally don't like to use the alpha/beta lingo here much.

 

 

My apologies if I seemed like I was critical of your statements at all as that is not what I meant at all.

[BettyDraper]

Oh no! You way misinterpreted me, I was not the least bit irritated at all and I was not accusing you of being immature in the slightest.

 

 

Your statement was right on the money, I was just saying that I personally don't like to use the alpha/beta lingo here much.

 

 

My apologies if I seemed like I was critical of your statements at all as that is not what I meant at all.

 

I didn't think you were saying that I was immature.

 

I was referring to the jargon that I chose. No worries.

Edited April 17, 2016 by BettyDraper