NP518 Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 My husband and I have been separated for 2.5 years. We have a 3 year old son and decided to split soon after he was born. We started dating young and always have had problems. He drank a lot, we didn't trust each other, he never helped out, I was a nag. He also came from a wealthy family so he's had maids his whole life and hand outs. Doesn't know how to cook, clean, grill, fix things. Im basically the man and woman of the house. After our son was born, he continued to not do anything and verbally abuse me. I had enough and moved out. During our separation, we started dating other people. His relationships did not last. I've been with the same guy for about a year. The guy I'm dating now makes me happy and is nice and thoughtful however, I've really struggled being away from my son this entire time. When I wake up in my boyfriend's bed, I feel like a terrible mother. I feel like I should be with my child. I've tried getting a hobby or keeping busy but I'm just empty on the days I don't have my son. It's time to sign the divorce papers now and I have cold feet. My ex has basically been fighting to keep the marriage working. He told me if I don't sign he wants to make this work. I just don't know what I want. Do I try to make it work with my ex and be with my son full time or be with someone that makes me happy but have that emptiness bc I only have my son half the time? I feel like signing that paper is signing my son away. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 It's time to sign the divorce papers now and I have cold feet. My ex has basically been fighting to keep the marriage working. He told me if I don't sign he wants to make this work. I just don't know what I want. Do I try to make it work with my ex and be with my son full time or be with someone that makes me happy but have that emptiness bc I only have my son half the time? I feel like signing that paper is signing my son away. You'd have to visualize the full-time life you'd have with your son and a husband you don't seem to either love or respect. Doesn't sound workable to me - but I'm not you ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 This inmature verbal abuser you were once with is only trying to control you once again and destroy what you have with your bf. To put it bluntly, you'd be insane to step back into that relationship with him. Nothing about him has changed. If he manages to pull you away from your bf, then his behavior will actually get worse. I would recommend to anyone to never ever ever ever go back to someone who physically, mentally, verbally, or emotionally abused you. These dynamics never stop. You would not only be putting yourself in a living hell, but your child, too. As far as how you feel when your son isn't around, try to look at things differently. It gives you a chance to regroup as a mom and enjoy some adult time with your bf. Most people would pay good money to have that. Enjoying yourself away from your child doesn't make you a bad mom. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 During the separation has your H matured and Stepped up to plate in regards to parenting and domestic skills and responsibility? Has he developed as a man, father and contributing member of society? If the answer is yes, then it is reasonable to consider and discuss a trial reconciliation with firm boundaries and expectations of behavior in place. If the answer is no, then you have to decide which is the lesser of two evils. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 Your son is already accustomed to having 2 different households. To him your current arrangement is normal and fine. If you get back together with your husband and it's the same miserable unhappy relationship it always was then that will damage your child. Don't think about what makes you feel good, think about what is best for your son. Link to post Share on other sites
healingsoul Posted April 14, 2016 Share Posted April 14, 2016 I would encourage you to not sign the papers. While I am not saying for you to run back into your marriage with your husband having the drinking and verbal abuse issues, I am saying you need to give your marriage time to heal with solid boundaries while you both work very hard in an intensive marriage counseling program. I really think you might be able to work your marriage out and it would be what is best for your son. Your husband was young and needed to grow up. Hopefully he will be more mature, and appreciate you in his life. It is the very best thing in the world for a child to have both of his parents so if you can work things out and they are not abusive/harmful this is the decision you should make. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 14, 2016 Share Posted April 14, 2016 I would encourage you to not sign the papers. While I am not saying for you to run back into your marriage with your husband having the drinking and verbal abuse issues, I am saying you need to give your marriage time to heal with solid boundaries while you both work very hard in an intensive marriage counseling program. I really think you might be able to work your marriage out and it would be what is best for your son. Your husband was young and needed to grow up. Hopefully he will be more mature, and appreciate you in his life. It is the very best thing in the world for a child to have both of his parents so if you can work things out and they are not abusive/harmful this is the decision you should make. Abusers are 100% broken and unfixable. They put on a great act when you leave them or get involved with someone new, but the cycle becomes worse once they get you back. I'm not making this up. It's well documented. Absolutely nothing good will come out of her losing the good guy she has now, to give her ex another shot at screwing up her and her son's life. Nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
healingsoul Posted April 15, 2016 Share Posted April 15, 2016 Abusers are 100% broken and unfixable. They put on a great act when you leave them or get involved with someone new, but the cycle becomes worse once they get you back. I'm not making this up. It's well documented. Absolutely nothing good will come out of her losing the good guy she has now, to give her ex another shot at screwing up her and her son's life. Nothing. I understand what you are saying. My father was a horrible abuser and he is in his 80's and has never changed. BUT it is not true that 100% are brokable and unfixable. Unfortunately we focus most of the intervention on the abused and not a lot of work has been focused on getting the abuser real trauma help. I am quite aware that many don't want help. Just like many who are abused don't want help. Many people build their identity around the abuse that has happen in their life, and frankly are frightened to go through a healing process to be different. But not a single person is incapable of being reached and healed from sickness because I can guarantee you the person who is abusing was once himself/herself abused. Forgiveness, and counseling and frequently medical intervention/diagnosis can make incredible differences. If a person is willing to change, it will never be easy but a person can find healing and be a new kind of person. Link to post Share on other sites
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