Boyfriend still friends with ex FWB

[Goldielocks16]

To begin, I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost 7 months now. I am so in love with him. He is a great boyfriend and treats me well. He has already mentioned "forever" and wants me to live with him.

 

He has met my guy friends who I hang out with. I have never met any of his girls who are his friends, two that I know of. He has admitted to me that he has slept with both of these women previously and that they are just friends. Whatever, you can be friends with people you have slept with and stay just friends, that's not what bothers me.

 

Anyway, At the start of our relationship he said that one of which he was friends with benefits for three years until he met me. When he tried to break it off she tried to kill herself in his kitchen and that she is in love with him. I don't hear about her for 6 months and then all of the sudden I hear that he asked her to check on his dog for him while we were on vacation at his parent's house. The dog has an outside kennel.

 

A week later or so, I find long, curly blonde hair on his bed spread. I talked to my mom about it and she looked up her on facebook. She has long, curly blonde hair. I didn't bring up the hair to him but I asked him if I could meet this girl and he basically said no because she is in love with him.

 

I don't understand the significance of keeping someone who is unstable around. I think it's unfair that my boyfriend asks her to do this favor of checking on his dog because it might give her hope. I think it's also unfair to me that he hangs out with her and I am unable to meet her.

 

I want to give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and allow him to give a good explanation of why this girl's hair is on his comforter. Just because it's there doesn't mean he was unfaithful. Maybe she went into his house while we were gone and layed on his bed because she missed him?

 

Thoughts? Tell me if Im overreacting. How do I handle this situation without pushing him away? Or should I Just leave it alone and let it just sit on my radar?

[CarrieT]

Nope, you are not overreacting.

 

It is up to you if you want to continue the relationship, but personally I would have serious doubts about a guy who keeps someone like that in their life.

[Gloria25]

Uh, he doesn't wanna give up the hot sex...I mean Krazy people ARE often mind blowing lays

 

But great sex aside and her instabilities, IMO, it's one thing to be "friendly" (ie, you're walking down the street, cross paths and exchange friendly "Hellos, how's it going")...it's another for them to be Facebook friends, regularly calling, texting, communicating, and/or hanging out - especially in your absence.

 

Male or female, IMO, you need to limit "friendship" with exes when you're dating/in another RL with, someone else.

[Goldielocks16]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I am usually one to overthink these kinds of things. I hope that isn't the case this time. I am really trying to be understanding but I think that CarrieT is right. It's just so hard to think that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life can't put himself in my shoes.

[whichwayisup]

A week later or so, I find long, curly blonde hair on his bed spread. I talked to my mom about it and she looked up her on facebook. She has long, curly blonde hair. I didn't bring up the hair to him but I asked him if I could meet this girl and he basically said no because she is in love with him.

All the more reason for him to end things with her totally and walk away. Doesn't matter if she's in love with him, he shouldn't be friends with her now that he has you. He's leading her on, on some level and she's not getting over him because they are friends.

 

Time to re think this relationship, if he isn't willing to let her go then it means he's kind of into her and you have reason to have some trust issues with him.

 

and that hair? Either she was in his bed or he spent time with her and brought home that hair.

[Goldielocks16]

All the more reason for him to end things with her totally and walk away. Doesn't matter if she's in love with him, he shouldn't be friends with her now that he has you. He's leading her on, on some level and she's not getting over him because they are friends.

 

Time to re think this relationship, if he isn't willing to let her go then it means he's kind of into her and you have reason to have some trust issues with him.

 

and that hair? Either she was in his bed or he spent time with her and brought home that hair.

 

You are right, I should do some rethinking. I should face the facts and not have to rationalize his actions. I am twenty six and I had never been so in love with someone even after being in a six year relationship with my ex. It just felt right when I met him. He is 36 and he seemed perfect in every way. I thought he understood how relationships worked, guess not.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't understand the significance of keeping someone who is unstable around. I think it's unfair that my boyfriend asks her to do this favor of checking on his dog because it might give her hope. I think it's also unfair to me that he hangs out with her and I am unable to meet her.

 

I think you have to start with the premise that your BF clearly gets something from the continued relationship with her. Even if it's just the validation of knowing she wants him, it has troubling implications for your relationship.

 

When I asked a friend to explain the complicated relationships with the women in his life, he said "It's like the Solar System. You've got one woman who's the center, she's your Sun. The rest are like planets revolving around her..."

 

Act accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aussietigerwolf]

He refuses to introduce you, he's gone over to the house of a woman he says is in love with him and... The same type of hair is on his comforter... If you'd done all that then wouldn't he at the very least want explanations???

[Lady2163]

He may be a great guy, but you have to know what your limits are.

 

This is not someone he should spend time with. She was contemplating suicide when he ended things with her - that's a huge burden for him to carry, but it is also extremely,manipulative on her part.

 

I've been a secret before. I was a secret for 9 months. Seven months longer than I wanted to be. I was friendly with his ex. Only, he was spinning such a tangled web, he was seeing us both when they were still together. At one point, she ended things, because she had met someone, or actually had become interested in a long time friend. They moved in together about a week after she ended things with my boyfriend.

 

At one point while he was with me and ex was with new boyfriend, he PROPOSED to her. He had a ring and everything. What truly stuns me is that he had probably just had sex with me hours before.

 

So I don't do the secret anymore. My reason at the start was my divorce wasn't fully final. The state I was in had a cooling off period after you go court.

 

This man represented his current situation. It's a lousy thing to do. I'd want to know before I invested time, energy, money and my body in someone that they had an unstable Ex.

 

I've also been what some might call the unstable Ex. Boyfriend was cheating on me. I didn't know that. He was always short of money. I loaned him enough to get his life back on track. He used it to essentially "nest". He got his choose cleaned up, took care of some bills, made a couple of furniture and convenience purchases...and then broke up with me. Within a month he moved the other woman into his house. Within five months he married her. I'm sure she thought I was the crazy Ex, but he led me on after the break up as long as he could because he was avoiding paying me back (as he was banking it for the wedding and honeymoon). I did get more and more desperate since I needed the money. Eventually he confessed to her what the problem was, why I.kept calling. She paid me off and I went away. And I've never loaned money again. That money was a huge sacrifice on my part.

 

Anyway, the thing that I learned from that was that men (and women) who don't fully conclude relationships even a FWB before starting another one are pretty slimy. They are keeping their options open. If you have a fight with him, he won't be lonely that night if he doesn't want to be. They are creating chaos and drama and it is a mess that will affect your life. Cynically, I'd say they just don't care or are that selfish. However, some people may just be that conflict avoidant. You don't want either of those types in your life.