12 Things That Are More Harmful Than Cheating

[cocorico]

That list basically describes cheating. Those are all things that WS's do to their BS when they become involved with other people.

 

The things on the list do not often occur individually to an appreciable degree in a vacuum on their own. They are the result of the disregard a WS feels for the BS as a result of the affair.

 

That list isn't worse than cheating. That list is a result of cheating. That list IS cheating.

 

Sometimes it's what leads to infidelity - when one spouse treats the other this way, the other checks out and engages in infidelity. The list pretty well describes how my H's xBW treated him in the M, rather than how he treated her (though the lack of communication did go both ways. I imagine if you get nothing back, you do eventually just stop trying.)

[carhill]

While the mention of the word 'cheating' conjures up images of infidelity, in reality cheating can occur in many realms of a relationship, if cheating is defined as otherwise inappropriate behavior combined with deception. That list is replete with iterations of deception regarding otherwise inappropriate behavior.

 

However, individuals assign their own value to behavior, actions, and words so any, all, or none of the 12 on the list could be more 'harmful' than infidelity via deception. People tend to seek to protect their id and rationalize behaviors, including infidelity, so lists get juggled around to suit the individual's milieu.

 

If, with any particular pairing of two people, minds don't meet, delete.

[OneLov]

Putting empty boxes back in the fridge. (Problem was almost solved)

 

Cheating must be the worst though.

 

Lmao. How about mixing the teaspoons and tablespoons in the silverware drawer? Ugh. Cheating must be worse though.:laugh:

 

 

Lol. But seriously:

 

An impact event involving a large celestial object would be more harmful than cheating and so must be added to that list. Just ask the dinosaurs...... Oh wait:eek:

[JohnAdams]

I am sure there are worse things than cheating, however, cheating is the worse thing I have ever encountered in my live. Perhaps I have lived a sheltered life.

[Liam1]

Actually withholding affection has been found to be very damaging to the human psyche. Isolation is considered a form of torture because it takes away human contact and any form of affection and interaction.

 

Look at what happens to children when it happens. Its not pretty. Devastating in fact and the results last a life time. I know of several adults who had a very difficult start to life where affection was withheld. Decades on they still struggle as a direct result. Ask most couples what went wrong and one of the things on the list will be that affection was withheld... Actually is FAR more damaging and breaks up far more marriages and relationships than cheating...

 

If however you are with holding affection because you are not dealing with an awkward situation or something that is upsetting you then really you need to ball up and deal with the cause, let the rest resolve itself.

 

But withholding affection is actually very very cruel. Google it.

 

Note withholding affection and by this I do not mean just with holding sex I mean those touches, hugs, a kiss...

 

My infidelity counselor actually discussed this with my wife.

 

My counselor also instructed both of us to apologize to each other for the problems in the marriage.

 

I was instructed to apologize for my affair, and she was instructed to apologize for withholding affection and absolutely refusing repeated requests for counseling for ten years to address the issue.

 

Our marriage was perfect in every respect except for the lack of affection.

 

It also took me two years to believe that my wife actually wanted to sex and wasn't just providing obligatory sex because she had refused it for so long and I could not understand why all of sudden she felt it was now time to address the issue.

 

My wife, also, repeatedly told our counselor that a divorce would have been more devastating to her than my affair. She felt the affair meant that I still wanted to stay married, whereas the divorce would have said to her that I definitively wanted out.

 

She claims a divorce would have made her more distrustful of my desire to continue the marriage.

 

My infidelity counselor also said that it is very common for one spouse without any health or psychological issue to simply decide that sex is no longer and simply stop wanting to engage.

 

Marriage is about compromise.

 

All marriages, however, are different as are the reasons for infidelity.

[Toodaloo]

I am sure there are worse things than cheating, however, cheating is the worse thing I have ever encountered in my live. Perhaps I have lived a sheltered life.

 

Be glad of it JA. Be glad of it.

 

Sometimes its not worth the pain to lead a less sheltered life. Exposure is not all it is cracked up to be.

 

Lack of drama is to be envied in my opinion...

[whichwayisup]

Putting empty boxes back in the fridge. (Problem was almost solved)

 

Not replacing the toilet paper.

 

Cheating must be the worst though.

 

Squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle instead of at the bottom. First world problems!

[Ami1uwant]

From Esquire magazine:

 

12 Things That Are More Harmful Than Cheating

 

According to the article, the twelve things more harmful than cheating are:

 

1. Lying to or hiding things from your partner
   
2. Withholding any kind of affection
   
3. Harboring quiet resentment
   
4. Lack of communication
   
5. Being stubborn about things or getting entrenched in certain positions
   
6. Bickering about mundane daily issues and chores
   
7. Condescension
   
8. Staying in a relationship out of convenience
   
9. Manipulation
   
10. Jealousy
    
11. Presenting a false version of yourself at the beginning
    
12. Staying together because you've become codependent
    

Your thoughts?

 

Not reading the article.....

 

99% of the time cheating is the byproduct of another relationship problem. Some are listed in the 12. There are others not listed.

[road]

That list can be made shorter longer and or change the order of ranking them as to which one is worse.

 

 

However they do not compare to the damage done from an affair. Just another pointless article in another pointless magazine.

[Liam1]

From Esquire magazine:

 

12 Things That Are More Harmful Than Cheating

 

According to the article, the twelve things more harmful than cheating are:

 

1. Lying to or hiding things from your partner
   
2. Withholding any kind of affection
   
3. Harboring quiet resentment
   
4. Lack of communication
   
5. Being stubborn about things or getting entrenched in certain positions
   
6. Bickering about mundane daily issues and chores
   
7. Condescension
   
8. Staying in a relationship out of convenience
   
9. Manipulation
   
10. Jealousy
    
11. Presenting a false version of yourself at the beginning
    
12. Staying together because you've become codependent
    

Your thoughts?

 

Presenting a false version of yourself at the beginning

 

I think this one is really the most harmful. IMO, a lot of people engage in this type of deception in order to snag a marriage partner, but in the end it just has to backfire.

 

IMO, it is really difficult to change your core personality. If a person hides their core personality in the beginning they will not be able to hide it for the long haul.

 

Also, an affair may be traumatic to some depending on the circumstance but other people may not find it as traumatic.

 

There are people posting here who have mentioned that the affair did not destroy their marriage and taught them something about unconditional love.

 

The world is changing culturally and also among differing age groups in the USA.

 

IMO, people I talk to that are under 40 have a greater proportion of people who do not find an affair as traumatic as do A majority of people over 40.

 

Perhaps the 20 somethings are used to hook ups and friends with benefits so they realize that sex and love are two totally separate feelings.

 

Lust and love are not the same thing.

 

Not everyone feels that infidelity automatically leads to divorce.

 

Some people feel that divorce is worse than an infidelity.

 

IMO, we can not generalize about everyone's emotions, we can only speak of our own feelings and emotions.

[dichotomy]

Being coldly and cruelly cheated on - can be worse than cancer.

[dichotomy]

http://www.stress.org/holmes-rahe-stress-inventory/

[NewLeaf512]

1. Your H being a Heroin Addict

2. Your H beating you, and perpetrating extreme violence and fatal violence against others:

 

Way worse than cheating

[NewLeaf512]

Sounds like this list was written by a ws or ow/om to justify cheating.

 

it's also written from the very shallow perspective of someone who has zero experience in long term day to day relationships who simply pulled their list from someone elses work without knowing and of the background story.

 

It's also a recipe for divorce and continued dissatisfaction with whomever you might be with to expect that all these elements will always be a part of a marriage, all the time.

 

This line is especially ridiculous " in other words, you don't have chemistry anymore". Every long term rleationship goes through periods when you love your spouse, but the chemistry might not be there. That's the time when you need to do some work to bring it back, not say " time to sleep around " or " time to divorce". it's true some marriages fizzle out and should end, but this statement is taken out of context in someone's social media posting, and with no background information, it's useless.

 

Sure, the list does have some good points about things you should strive for, but to use it to rationalize cheating is silly.

 

As for what is more painful that cheating, that is subjective. it might be the worst thing to one person, but to another, something else could be worse.

 

btw, given the rest of the "journalistic' content of the online magazine, I;m not surprised at the quality of this particular article.

 

It's a list culled from posts to a Reddit thread, not the author's personal opinion. It's an article written for the sex part of Esquire magazine.

[Arieswoman]

I am pretty sure that anyone who has been cheated on will agree with this;

 

It's not the actual cheating that is the problem per se (although that is bad enough) it's the lying, abuse, gaslighting and disrespect that goes with it.

[PrettyEmily77]

IME, not taking responsibility for your own thoughts and actions / not taking action at all when needed ('letting things happen' passively) is the source of most, if not all, relationship issues.

 

What's more damaging to a relationship to me is not owning your **** / refusing to admit to your own faults / passing the buck at every opportunity / thinking that you're a cut above the rest / not willing to change because the ego won't allow it.

[BetheButterfly]

From Esquire magazine:

 

12 Things That Are More Harmful Than Cheating

 

Your thoughts?

 

I completely disagree. Cheating is worse than all the 12 things listed in that list.

 

The following list however is worse than cheating:

 

1. Murder

2. Abuse of children in any way, shape, or form

3. Sexual abuse (including rape)

4. Physical abuse (including torture)

5. Verbal Abuse (including insults and putting people down)

6. Abuse of animals

[Robert Z]

From Esquire magazine:

 

12 Things That Are More Harmful Than Cheating

 

According to the article, the twelve things more harmful than cheating are:

 

1. Lying to or hiding things from your partner
   
2. Withholding any kind of affection
   
3. Harboring quiet resentment
   
4. Lack of communication
   
5. Being stubborn about things or getting entrenched in certain positions
   
6. Bickering about mundane daily issues and chores
   
7. Condescension
   
8. Staying in a relationship out of convenience
   
9. Manipulation
   
10. Jealousy
    
11. Presenting a false version of yourself at the beginning
    
12. Staying together because you've become codependent
    

Your thoughts?

 

My ex made 11 out of 12 on that list. I don't think we were codependent in any way because we really didn't have a relationship for the last ten years.

 

I would add, convincing yourself that having your financial needs met is the same thing as love; thinking love means "you owe me", thinking men don't have needs, thinking equality means equal until it isn't convenient.

 

 

I suspect she cheated on me as well and that is what bothered me the least. I could have forgiven her for cheating, but not for having a cold, uncaring heart.

Edited April 18, 2016 by Robert Z

[BetheButterfly]

My ex made 11 out of 12 on that list.

 

I do think the points on that list are ingredients for cheating.

 

I don't think we were codependent in any way because we really didn't have a relationship for the last ten years.

 

I would add, convincing yourself that having your financial needs met is the same thing as love; thinking love means "you owe me", thinking men don't have needs, thinking equality means equal until it isn't convenient.

 

These above are all bad things, but I don't believe they are worse than cheating, personally.

 

I suspect she cheated on me as well and that is what bothered me the least. I could have forgiven her for cheating, but not for having a cold, uncaring heart.

 

You can forgive her. It's not easy, but you can. The question is... will you? You can forgive her and let her go too. Forgiveness helps people let go and be ready for a new start.

[Robert Z]

These above are all bad things, but I don't believe they are worse than cheating, personally.

 

They are. I know. People make such a big deal about cheating, but not caring and being selfish is what really does the damage.

 

 

I would take a cheating wife who loves me and treats me well over a loyal ***** any day of the week.

Edited April 18, 2016 by Robert Z

[wmacbride]

It's a list culled from posts to a Reddit thread, not the author's personal opinion. It's an article written for the sex part of Esquire magazine.

 

Sorry, don't buy that.

 

All the author of this blog post style article did was to either cull opinions that matched his or wrote what he was paid to write.

 

I work in the industry, and I know how this type of "reporting" works. There could be 100 posts that say the exact opposite of what this author wrote, but he cherry picked the few that support his position.

[wmacbride]

They are. I know. People make such a big deal about cheating, but not caring and being selfish is what really does the damage.

 

 

I would take a cheating wife who loves me and treats me well over a loyal ***** any day of the week.

 

For an awful lot of people who cheat, these are not isolated from one another. the person who cheats also treats their bs really badly.

 

I know mine did, He went form being a really great guy who was realy good to me and our children to being someone that you had to walk around eggshells on, almost like someone threw a switch. I know now why that was, and I wish I did then so I could have helped him, but I honestly didn't know at the time how much he was suffering. Back then, PTSD was just starting to be talked about out in the open.

[Jersey born raised]

I think the article should have been titled "12 habits that create a toxic enviroment that may cause a spouse to committ adultery or divorce"

[BetheButterfly]

They are. I know. People make such a big deal about cheating, but not caring and being selfish is what really does the damage.

 

Not caring and being selfish are definitely roots of cheating.

 

I would take a cheating wife who loves me and treats me well over a loyal ***** any day of the week.

Not quite sure what *... is, but I personally don't believe cheating = loving. I believe faithfulness = loving.

 

However, if I understand you currently, you would prefer a wife who cheats yet makes you feel loved versus one who doesn't cheat yet also doesn't make you feel loved. Is that right?

 

For what it's worth, I really hope that someday you find an awesome sexy wife who loves you and who fulfills your sexual needs, and who you love too. And yeah, I hope that she is faithful to you, cause difficult situations can come from unfaithfulness and again, I believe faithfulness is a part of love.

[PrettyEmily77]

Thing is, it's not really supposed to be a competition over which thing is the worst ever, IMO.

 

I'm sure that cheating is the worst thing ever for those who got cheated on.

Similarly, physical abuse is the worst thing for those who lived it, emotional/mental abuse / paranoia-induced controlling behaviour are the worst things for whoever had to go through them, etc.

 

How you deal with that particular dynamic in your relationship is what matters, I think.