12 Things That Are More Harmful Than Cheating

[Haydn]

Wardrobes..... the 13th.

 

Is this my shelf?

[Mrs. John Adams]

In most cases where cheating has occurred...so has most of the things listed occurred.

 

To compare hurts is kind of ridiculous... actually.

 

My childbirth hurt worse than yours...REALLY? and how do you know this?

 

Infidelity is individual and unique...it cannot be compared from one person to another. We can sympathize with those who may share the common bond of infidelity...but we cannot KNOW another's pain.

 

The list is interesting...and worth discussing....but the premise....not so much.

[Robert Z]

The difference is, a moment of weakness vs maliciousness; human weakness vs plotting and scheming.

 

If a person is a heartless cheater without a conscience, then that is another form of a cold, uncaring heart. But people who love their spouse can have moments of weakness. I think there is a huge difference. Hurt is a relative term but intent can be determined in specific terms.

 

Even good marriages tend to wax and wane over the years. I think this notion of absolute fidelity or it's over, is irrational. If you love someone you can forgive them for human weakness.

 

 

I believe that even the most loyal of us can have our moments. It is all a matter of circumstances and timing.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Robert Z

[NewLeaf512]

Sorry, don't buy that.

 

All the author of this blog post style article did was to either cull opinions that matched his or wrote what he was paid to write.

 

I work in the industry, and I know how this type of "reporting" works. There could be 100 posts that say the exact opposite of what this author wrote, but he cherry picked the few that support his position.

 

I don't post links but you can easily find it in the sub Reddits. There may be some bias, conscious or unconscious on the part of the author so to do a fit test to your point wmacbride I did a mathematical study of all the responses. All but one of the 12 points listed were the reasons cited the most often. If you want my algorithm pm me and I will send it.

 

NL

[NewLeaf512]

Thing is, it's not really supposed to be a competition over which thing is the worst ever, IMO.

 

I'm sure that cheating is the worst thing ever for those who got cheated on.

Similarly, physical abuse is the worst thing for those who lived it, emotional/mental abuse / paranoia-induced controlling behaviour are the worst things for whoever had to go through them, etc.

 

How you deal with that particular dynamic in your relationship is what matters, I think.

 

I was cheated on. He got her pregnant and had a child. Then he went on a shooting spree when I wouldn't reconcile and killed himself. The whole story is in my thread.

 

It's my experience that cheating was certainly not the worst thing a spouse can do.

 

YMMV

[wmacbride]

The difference is, a moment of weakness vs maliciousness; human weakness vs plotting and scheming.

 

If a person is a heartless cheater without a conscience, then that is another form of a cold, uncaring heart. But people who love their spouse can have moments of weakness. I think there is a huge difference. Hurt is a relative term but intent can be determined in specific terms.

 

Even good marriages tend to wax and wane over the years. I think this notion of absolute fidelity or it's over, is irrational. If you love someone you can forgive them for human weakness.

 

 

I believe that even the most loyal of us can have our moments. It is all a matter of circumstances and timing.

 

This makes sense, but it brings up the issue that is often extremely hurtful to a bs.

Their trust is broken, and it can be a long and difficult road to get it back.

I think it might be very different if a husband or wife who was honest with both themselves and their spouse and told them if and when they felt attracted to someone else. That would be a hugely difficult conversation to have, but it might end up saving people a whole lot of hurt feelings.

 

In some cases, it might turn into nothing more than a discussion of feelings, which when brought out into the open, can be addressed and they dissipate. In other cases, the spouse who is interested in going outside the marriage will do so with the knowledge and consent of their spouse. In still others, it will be the end of the marriage.

 

In any case, the trust is not broken. Of course it can still be very painful, but at least there is still a foundation of trust to build on. That is not there if one spouse has an affair.

[mellywell]

Trust is an very interesting concept. An affair is a very obvious, dramatic, and cataclysmic breach of trust. And I don't think cataclysmic is too much of a word to use.

 

BUT I think it is not necessarily accurate to say that "at least ith these other things, there is still trust." Because trust can be broken in one fell swoop or slowly.

 

The person who is neglected, for example, can have round after round of "come to Jesus" moments with their spouse, even saying "this gets better or I leave," and have the spouse work just long enough to avert the crisis, only to go back to the neglectful ways. A man or woman who is starved for affection can beg for touch or counseling or issue an ultimatum, and the other spouse will capitulate just enough to "shut them up" and then go back to withholding. Every time there is another "new start" that never lasts, the hurt is greater and the trust is more broken.

 

I think sometimes we compare a stabbing with a hunting knife to a thousand cuts with a razor. There can be just as much blood with either one