swtchks Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 (edited) So i really had no reason other than being nosey to be in my husbands emails the day (march 2016) i found that he had sent a picture of "his personality" to what looked like one of the random spam emails you get in yahoo spam mail box. of course i was floored and heartbroken from what i found. so i started digging more to see if there was anything else and i found something else where he had emailed someone off of craigslist personals back in Dec. 2014. A quite graphic statement to whoever it was going to. yes i was wrong for snooping but i don't know how to handle this. I'm very hurt by this..i thought everything was perfect between us. we never fight. he does work on the road for his civilian job but we talk probably 5 times a day and he comes home every 2 weeks. and our sex life is wonderful. so i'm confused... Do i even tell him i know? and hope that it doesn't happen again. we have been married for 17 years and have 2 children. ages 18 and 13. im hurt and confused as to why he did this. i find myself constantly watching his email now and thinking about this. Edited April 13, 2016 by swtchks Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 Boredom, wants some strange, looking for a thrill, in need of something different, etc. Have a talk with him but be prepared, he may just smother you in BS or admit he isn't happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swtchks Posted April 13, 2016 Author Share Posted April 13, 2016 Thank you. Also I have tried to keep in mind that he will try to turn this around on me, because he likes to remind me that he is always right about everything. But shouldn't what he has done overwrite my wrong doings of snooping? And if he changed his passwords, that will tell me there is more to hide..... Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 he will try to turn this around on me, because he likes to remind me that he is always right about everything. But shouldn't what he has done overwrite my wrong doings of snooping? Yes he will try to turn it around onto you (classic blame-shifting, they always do that). And yes you're right, what he's done should over-rule what you've done. When you talk to him make sure you separate the issues and discuss them separately. First discuss what he's done, why he did it, and how you want to proceed. Then discuss your lack of trust (although it is justified since he has shown that he is not trustworthy!). If he tries to change the subject onto you, just say you will discuss that you're happy to discuss your actions, after you've discussed his actions. And if he changed his passwords, that will tell me there is more to hide..... Yes, it should be a condition of your continued relationship that he is open and honest with you. After finding this out, your trust is quite understandably totally destroyed. He needs to build that back up again. The way to do that is by being open and honest. Changing his password would indicate the complete opposite of that, and if he did that, it's a sign he is not willing to work on the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ashley1992 Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 hii from my experiance once you find one thing.. u will find more things.. so be prepared.. and dont feel bad about snopping.. look at wat u found... he seems shifty... and my ex used to talk to me 10 times a day and live together and still was cheating! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author swtchks Posted April 13, 2016 Author Share Posted April 13, 2016 (edited) I also wondered that ashley1992... If I should wait on confronting him and build up the evidence. I think my only reason for being nosey is that he constNtly has such different spam emIls than mine. All of his spam emails are alwYs for erection dysfunction, and stores looking for a good time. Or dating sites and random spam crap about married wanna cheat on your wife type stuff. Seriously that's what he,was getting. Ever since I have taken it upon myself to filter his email of that stuff without him knowing. This all hurts me too because the picture was sent to a johnnyjohns4411@ yahoo.com., I'm assuming some random email cause it doesn't come up in google, But he sent the pic on March 16, 2016 which is the day after I had horrible chest pains . I had told him about them too. And a week before March 16 I had a terrible case of the day. He literally was picking me up off the bathroom floor. I had no strength to even walk to bed. The 2014 incident happened just 2 days after our annual Christmas party for his unit. (army national guard) which we always have tons of fun . But I still thought we were secure in our marriage. I'm not great with confrontation. I'm not a quit witted thinker. I hate fighting. I hate when he gets mad at me and then refuses to talk to me. He will be coming home this weekend so I think confronting him in person might be better than over the phone. But I dont know if i should play his game and keep montoring his emails instead of confronting him just yet. I also thought about making my own "random" email close to the johnnyjohns one and play his game that way and see if he will take a bite at an invite, if ya know what I mean. Lol.. Edited April 13, 2016 by swtchks Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 Hold tight and do more digging otherwise he'll wriggle out of this. If you've access to his cell phone bill ..... check for numbers he frequently contacts. Sending pics of his junk could be a sign he had a hook up with someone ... don't let on what you know otherwise... everything will be fully locked down. In relation to the spam mail.. I'm female and I constantly received viagra..erectile dysfunction and wanna extend your penis mail. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swtchks Posted April 13, 2016 Author Share Posted April 13, 2016 I do have access to the phone bill and I've already sat down and looked thru it. The problem with that was, he is an officer in the national guard and has all his soldiers phone numbers in his phone that he is responsible for and then his civilian job is telecommunications so he has several numbers from people he works with on the road in almost all the different states. So I have no clue which numbers are what. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swtchks Posted April 13, 2016 Author Share Posted April 13, 2016 I think I am leaning towards the holding out to see if he does it again, since the most recent was not even a full month ago. Thank you to everyone for your support. I will definitely be in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 Those spam emails are usually from viewing porn sites. He probably sent off a pic of his weewee as a joke to amuse himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 I think I am leaning towards the holding out to see if he does it again, since the most recent was not even a full month ago. Thank you to everyone for your support. I will definitely be in touch. Put a VAR in his car. More than likely if he is on the phone to any other women he talks to them while driving. It's just something people in nefarious relationships can't help but doing is talking to their co conspirators while driving. They always do because they are never think anyone is going to put a VAR in their car. Put one under his seat. You'll get all the evidence you need. And don't feel bad about snooping. You knew something was wrong and you found reason to be suspicious. Just be prepared to have all your evidence and ducks in a row before you confront. If I were you I'd see an attorney beforehand to see what righst you have. Forewarned is forearmed. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author swtchks Posted April 14, 2016 Author Share Posted April 14, 2016 @ space ritual the company he works for flys his everywhere and they pay for his rental car at the airports. So great idea, but impossible. ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
ashley1992 Posted April 14, 2016 Share Posted April 14, 2016 hii... i reckon trust has been breached. i would confront him and make a decision. i would walk away.. but its up to you Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 14, 2016 Share Posted April 14, 2016 Really what have you actually found recently that would indicate infidelity? The picture thing isn't evidence to that. I think you are looking for a ghost. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swtchks Posted April 14, 2016 Author Share Posted April 14, 2016 the picture sent last month and then an explicit email seen to a lady on craigslist. What do you mean a ghost? I am the only person he showing be showing that body part too or talking to like that. I don't have a clue of who he sent these too but it definitely wasn't the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swtchks Posted April 18, 2016 Author Share Posted April 18, 2016 So...... I confronted him, over the phone the other night. He couldn't come home. I couldn't hold it in any longer. The pain was just too much. I also found 3 more pictures from June 2015, 2 different incidents. I could tell because of different shirts. He admitted he had screwed up. Even way back to 2008. He swears he never physically met anyone. Of course I don't believe him, but I told him I did. My anxiety is mostly gone. Now I just hurt and cry a lot. I don't want a divorce I want us to heal, but seriously where do we start, how. Not really asking just that goes thru my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 but seriously where do we start, how. You start with total honesty. You are lying to him (saying you believe his story) and he is probably lying to you. That is no basis for a marriage reconciliation. If you can't both be honest with each other then you might as well quit right now because it is just going to be a long, drawn out, painful, failure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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