Are the Highs Worth the Lows?

[DreamGirly]

Where to even start? This is probably the same story told over and over. We met at a week long exec retreat. Both work for same company but different sites 80 miles apart. He was an Exec a level above me. It was INSTANT connection. Like from the first second. We were hooked. What a week! This was 9 months ago. We are both married. Me for 10 yrs with a 6 year old. Him for 2 with a 1 year old and a 7 year old from previous relationship. I'm 45 and he's 38. My husband is 48 and his wife is 33 Big age differences all over the board.

 

Sex is amazing-- even from day 1. Chemistry like fireworks and it keeps getting better instead of fizzling out. We never run out of things to talk about and have this trust and understanding that's just crazy. (I know, common, right!$

 

About 3-4 months in he told me he was interviewing for a job in my city. He left his job at our company and not only moved to my city but to my suburb where I live. He never came out and said he moved here to be closer to me but made many comments about how he couldn't wait to be closer etc. I would never go so bold as to assume it was because of me?!?!?

 

Any who, he came here about 7 weeks ahead of his wife and it was great but hard. Spending so much time together made it very hard to transition when she did moved here. In fact, right after she arrived I broke it off because I just felt like everything was too close and I felt smothered. The break up lasted 8 days.

 

My marriage is very dead and has been for a long time. My husband has not worked in years and is very apathetic about our relationship and gives zero effort. I don't want to end things because I want my daughter to be a little older before I share her with other household. Weird thing my husband and I now get along GREAT. We rarely argue. Very few conflicts compared to before the A. He doesn't know. He would FREAK and leave me.

 

His marriage, though new, is very much the same. His wife rarely will have sex... They will go months, she doesn't take care of herself-- she's fit and all, but never grooms (gets hair done, nails, wax. Makeup, Eyebrows etc-- like nothing. Ever). She's a highly paid professional. So it's not about money. She also is apathetic about the marriage and makes no attempts to strengthen it even after he's tried to get her to counseling and flat out told her what he needs. She feels nothing is wrong and "that's just his married people get" He's like me though and doesn't want to leave his young son.

 

About a month ago he broke things off with me out of the blue. Same reasons I gave him back in Dec. so I TOTALLY get it!!! I accepted what he said and had no contact for about 6 days and he texted and asked to meet. Said he can't imagine life without me and thought he could do it but can't. I was so relieved. And disappointed at the same time because him ending it made it easy.

 

It seems like each attempt at breakup just made us stronger. He has since told me he loves me. We have no expectations of each other for the future. And I guess our plan is to continue as is. It feels like we have it figured out and most of the time is just seems such a natural and normal part of my daily life.

 

But then there are times when I feel soooo down. And he said he feels the same way. Mostly on the weekends when we are each with our spouses and constantly texting each other. Wanting to be together. And not where we are. Longing to have our kids meet and play (which we won't do) and do things as a family.

 

For each "high" there seems to be an equal "low" is it worth it? Where can this really go? I know I'm not willing to leave right now. And I'm pretty sure he won't either.

 

Not sure what I'm even asking. Maybe just venting?!?!?!? Wondering if anyone else is feeling the same. !

Edited April 13, 2016 by DreamGirly

[Girlfromcali]

In my opinion (I had all those feelings) the highs are not worth it. They might be right now, but not eventually.

 

You are going through the motions because of NRE, but personally I don't believe any (healthy) relationship can start from a deceit. It's just not possible to build something good that starts with a lie.

 

I was happy with my H too when I got all this attention from AP. But trust me, the roller coaster of emotions will follow and it will not end well.

[Poppy47]

You will begin to want more and more from him. It will make you extremely unhappy.

 

If you only want the excitement and the sex, then it might be worth it.

 

Unfortunately, it goes past that before you can blink

 

Poppy.

[Grey Cloud]

You will find those times when you feel down, when it's the weekend and you can't be together will become more and more constant. You will be continuing to chase the highs so will start accepting the breadcrumbs.

 

Does his wife have any idea? I have a feeling if d-day happened and she found out he would run back to her in an instant. And I doubt that after only two years of marriage they are rarely having sex. Don't believe that all!

 

It doesn't sound like you are ready for all this to end. But there will come a day where it will end - either through discovery, his guilt becoming all too consuming or because the lows are simply starting to outweigh the highs.

 

There is no way your marriage has a hope of working whilst you are in the grips of an A. Is the lying and deceit worth it? This can't continue on indefinitely. I fear you are going to get hurt.

[Gloria_Smellons]

It's not just the lows you need to be concerend about... it's the slow and steady erosion of self... That's the only way I know how to describe it.

[waterwoman]

So his wife had a one year old child and a step child and also works. She also finds the time to keep herself fit. But because she isn't into superficial grooming that is the justification for his affair? OK.....

[anika99]

I remember years ago reading a study about the effect of intermittent rewards on the brain. I can't remember it exactly but basically they took some rats and put them in a cage with a lever. When they pushed the lever a food kibble would fall from a slot which they could then eat. Every single time they pushed the lever they would be rewarded by a kibble. The rats would push the lever when they were hungry. When they weren't hungry they ignored it. After a time the people conducting the study cut off the kibble rewards. When the rats pushed the lever no food was rewarded. They would push and push it and nothing happened. After a very short period of this the rats gave up pushing the lever at all as they had learned that there was no payoff for this action. Then the kibbles were reintroduced to the lever pushing behaviour but only at random intermittent times, meaning that when the rats pushed the lever sometimes they got a kibble but not always. Once the rewards became intermittent the rats became obsessed with pushing the lever. They would spend all day everyday pushing that lever thousands of times hoping for the payoff. They were mentally addicted to getting that intermittent reward.

 

I believe the highs and lows and the push and pull of unhealthy relationships has the same effect on people. You say the breakups with the MM made your relationship stronger. I say those breakups and make ups actually made you and he both weaker to your obsession and addiction to each other. You are both living in a world of denial and delusion. You both claim to be cheating instead of divorcing for the sake of your children yet everyday you actively risk your children's homes by the affair. Since both of you are married the chances are high that eventually one of the spouses will find out and all hell will break loose. Are you going to tell the kids it was all for their benefit when that happens?

Edited April 13, 2016 by anika99

[Girlfromcali]

I remember years ago reading a study about the effect of intermittent rewards on the brain. I can't remember it exactly but basically they took some rats and put them in a cage with a lever. When they pushed the lever a food kibble would fall from a slot which they could then eat. Every single time they pushed the lever they would be rewarded by a kibble. The rats would push the lever when they were hungry. When they weren't hungry they ignored it. After a time the people conducting the study cut off the kibble rewards. When the rats pushed the lever no food was rewarded. They would push and push it and nothing happened. After a very short period of this the rats gave up pushing the lever at all as they had learned that there was no payoff for this action. Then the kibbles were reintroduced to the lever pushing behaviour but only at random intermittent times, meaning that when the rats pushed the lever sometimes they got a kibble but not always. Once the rewards became intermittent the rats became obsessed with pushing the lever. They would spend all day everyday pushing that lever thousands of times hoping for the payoff. They were mentally addicted to getting that intermittent reward.

 

I believe the highs and lows and the push and pull of unhealthy relationships has the same effect on people. You say the breakups with the MM made your relationship stronger. I say those breakups and make ups actually made you and he both weaker to your obsession and addiction to each other. You are both living in a world of denial and delusion. You both claim to be cheating instead of divorcing for the sake of your children yet everyday you actively risk your children's homes by the affair. Since both of you are married the chances are high that eventually one of the spouses will find out and all hell will break loose. Are you going to tell the kids it was all for their benefit when that happens?

 

This made me kind of sad because I remember sleeping with my phone because I knew that when I woke up, there would be a message saying "good morning, gorgeous". It's so sad because it made me so happy, and even now I almost want to go back to the A, just to have that back...just to wake up to a text message that says "good morning". So sad

 

It's funny though, now the highs are very short. A week ago, a text message saying he was "my man". Instant pleasure all over my body and being. It lasted about five minutes until the reality came back. I told him not to say that and that it was cruel. After that I blocked him, haven't talked to him since, and have really no desire to. The constant shift between pleasure and pain is extremely exhausting.

Edited April 13, 2016 by Girlfromcali

[carhill]

The balance of feelings is something each of us, in any relationship, decides for ourselves.

 

If you like how things are now, or they work for you even if not optimal, go with that. You can change your mind at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all.

 

FWIW, I've known plenty of MW's like yourself. You're far from alone. Some have PA's like you, some have EA's, some both. Most, by my observation over nearly three decades, remained married, either to this day or for long after their affairs or while pursuing them. You might proceed like that. You might end your affair and reconcile your M. You might divorce. Lots of options.

 

To put relationships into chemical terms, this guy is the new high. Your brain has become accustomed to, and perhaps even resistant to, the chemicals of your husband and marriage. The highs with the new are high because the lows, when two marriages intrude on the middle ground of being together all the time, occur. The lows are low because the highs are high. It's a cycle. Of course, we each own our choices. You're choosing the path and your brain chemistry is responding to the stimulus of the choices you're making.

 

I was in one that went on, up and down, off and on, for over a decade before making the choice to end it, then, heh, revisited it nearly 15 years later as a review. The weird stuff we do!

 

IMO, you'll find your answers in your own time. It's different for each of us. In that process I wish you well.

[Girlfromcali]

I was in one that went on, up and down, off and on, for over a decade before making the choice to end it, then, heh, revisited it nearly 15 years later as a review. The weird stuff we do!

 

 

So how was it after 15 years? How did you feel?

[sophinla]

So it's gonna be forever

Or it's gonna go down in flames

You can tell me when it's over

If the high was worth the pain

 

This is a Taylor Swift song that my teenage kids and all of their friends love, because it reflects just that time in their life when exploring new love is both so exciting and scary.

 

I'm going to be honest with you, is the highs worth the lows is really not a question a woman in your age and position should be asking. Maybe ask these questions first. What can I do to improve my marriage? How can I spend more time and energy on my young children instead of on cheating because bonding with mommy is so important for their development at that age? How can I be a better spouse? How can I better communicate to my husband my needs? If I am miserable in my marriage, how can I exit with integrity and not set a bad example for my kids by cheating?

 

Maybe by honestly answering these questions, and dealing with problem in your marriage honestly, you can find the highs without the lows, which in your case mainly stems from lies guilt and betrayals of cheating.

[carhill]

So how was it after 15 years? How did you feel?

Finished

 

I state it with humor but it was like a big weight was lifted. My best friend, who knew the lady through business, asked me recently about her and I told him best I knew she was very happy with her boyfriend and their business was thriving. That's how I felt this year. Pretty much same for my exW and her partner. TBH, I credit an excellent psychologist for his assistance in MC. Working the affair in MC was a godsend. Best money and time I ever spent.

 

Today, highs are good. Life is a high. I'm attached to life. Women, not so much.

[Girlfromcali]

I'm attached to life. Women, not so much.

 

I don't blame you! Lol..

[carhill]

IDK if this will have any meaning for the OP but I personally found letting go of expectations was a large contributor to finding peace. When experiencing the highs, it felt natural to, well, plan out a future of similar highs because, heh, highs are good What happened, with my psychology anyway, was getting attached to the plan, which wasn't a good plan!

 

I still enjoy women and socialize with them regularly and still enjoy a few MW's I know within the boundaries of what is healthy for me, and without expectation.

 

Oh, one last thing for the OP..... a number of MW's I've known, including a couple I have regular contact with, went a bit 'randy' in their 40's, like a hormonal surge, and started exhibiting aggressive and wanton sexual tendencies like young males do. For some this is part of life changes in the body. If not experienced prior, it can be, well, addictive, since reproductive/sexual drives are at the core of who we are as humans. When they ramp up, watch out!

[sandylee1]

It's very stressful leading a double life.

 

One thing to think about though .... how much is your husband worth to you?

 

Not financially... but if he found out .... would it be THAT bad or not so much. You've said you want to leave when your daughter is older .... so perhaps you haven't got that much to loose.

[privategal]

-they arent unhappily married, his wife relocated for him and the fact that they have a 1 year old means they're sexually active in their marriage.

This is a dead end, sorry.

[anika99]

So his wife had a one year old child and a step child and also works. She also finds the time to keep herself fit. But because she isn't into superficial grooming that is the justification for his affair? OK.....

 

 

OP imagine a woman you know that you really love. It could be a sister, cousin, bff or your mother. Just a woman you really love and care about. Now imagine that woman breaking down if front of you and telling you between sobs that her husband cheated or left her and her children and his reason for doing so was that while she was fit enough and made good money as well as taking care of his kids she didn't get her nails and eyebrows professionally groomed. Are you seriously going to tell your heartbroken sister/mother/bff that their husband was perfectly justified in being that shallow and cheating?

[Girlfromcali]

OP imagine a woman you know that you really love. It could be a sister, cousin, bff or your mother. Just a woman you really love and care about. Now imagine that woman breaking down if front of you and telling you between sobs that her husband cheated or left her and her children and his reason for doing so was that while she was fit enough and made good money as well as taking care of his kids she didn't get her nails and eyebrows professionally groomed. Are you seriously going to tell your heartbroken sister/mother/bff that their husband was perfectly justified in being that shallow and cheating?

 

I'm thinking my own husband telling that about ME to someone. While I do none of those things, nails, eyebrows, wax, etc. there's no chance in hell my husband would ever complain to anyone about that. He's probably happy he doesn't have to spend the money

[heartwhole]

I did wonder about the grooming comment too. Is this something he complains about, or something you've just observed from pictures of her? Because if he complains about it, then I'd make note that if you have a happily ever after, these expectations about your appearance and using your appearance as justification for treating you badly will be your problem to deal with. And you're 12 years older than she is so how's he going to feel about your looks and body in another few years?

 

You're in a bubble where you and MM are on a team and view your spouses as liabilities. I would just caution you not to assume that he feels the same way about his marriage as you do. His complaints sound fairly superficial and it's likely that after a DD, with his wife promising to work on all this stuff, he'll suddenly think he's got it pretty good at home. His wife is adjusting to motherhood and working full time. Working mothers of one-year-olds are exhausted -- consider how "helpful" he can be if he's putting all his extra energy into his relationship with you. She's probably just overwhelmed and touched out, and instead of expecting that and accepting it, he's rebelling against it with a secret girlfriend.

 

At least you are realistic about your BH's probable reaction to a DD and seem ready to move on from the marriage. I'd just caution you that this is not the best way to do it. And also, read up on "exit affairs" to see if that's what you're doing on some level. It sounds like that's what you think this is, but I'm not so sure about MOM.

[ShatteredLady]

This is his second marriage. How did his first 'marriage' end? What happened in his relationship with the older child's mother? He doesn't seem to like playing 2nd fiddle to young children. Sorry but it's very revealing when a man suddenly can't stand his relationship after he's sharing his woman's attention with a child.

[BuddyX]

And I'll quote another LS member

 

"Affair love is an illusion, based on a lie, fueled by fantasy, protected by self-justification, insecurity and ego. It NEVER delivers on any expectations. Is it any wonder why real relationships, based on an affair, fail at a rate twice that of divorce?"

[jenkins95]

It's not just the lows you need to be concerend about... it's the slow and steady erosion of self... That's the only way I know how to describe it.

 

Excellent description Gloria. That's exactly how I felt after the initial excitement when it gradually started to all go wrong. I just didn't recognise myself anymore.

 

OP, as the xMM in an affair, I agree with what the majority are saying. The answer to your original question in the subject line is an emphatic NO. Very quickly the lows start to outweigh and engulf the highs. It quickly goes from 99/1 to 1/99 ratio highs/lows.

 

Please stop now before D days happen. It's really not worth it. Post to us - we are here for you. Good luck. You will be OK if you stop this now and never turn back again.

[Onlywhenitrains]

No. The highs are not worth the lows. I was in denial for the majority of my 1year affair about that. After you accept it, there is a chance to move beyond all of it, and start living your own life. The affair is not it.

[Girlfromcali]

I did wonder about the grooming comment too. Is this something he complains about, or something you've just observed from pictures of her? Because if he complains about it, then I'd make note that if you have a happily ever after, these expectations about your appearance and using your appearance as justification for treating you badly will be your problem to deal with. And you're 12 years older than she is so how's he going to feel about your looks and body in another few years?

 

You're in a bubble where you and MM are on a team and view your spouses as liabilities. I would just caution you not to assume that he feels the same way about his marriage as you do. His complaints sound fairly superficial and it's likely that after a DD, with his wife promising to work on all this stuff, he'll suddenly think he's got it pretty good at home. His wife is adjusting to motherhood and working full time. Working mothers of one-year-olds are exhausted -- consider how "helpful" he can be if he's putting all his extra energy into his relationship with you. She's probably just overwhelmed and touched out, and instead of expecting that and accepting it, he's rebelling against it with a secret girlfriend.

 

At least you are realistic about your BH's probable reaction to a DD and seem ready to move on from the marriage. I'd just caution you that this is not the best way to do it. And also, read up on "exit affairs" to see if that's what you're doing on some level. It sounds like that's what you think this is, but I'm not so sure about MOM.

 

Even though I mostly relate to the stories here, this is hard for me to understand, that a woman would start having sex with another woman's husband, who has a one year old child!

My AP:s children were all adults and moved out from the house, and he told all of them about the A. It didn't seem to traumatize them too much.

And moreover, if he's criticizing her grooming habits while she's working and taking care of a baby. I hope this is not the case. I hope I was mistaken.

[lovingone]

Where to even start? This is probably the same story told over and over. We met at a week long exec retreat. Both work for same company but different sites 80 miles apart. He was an Exec a level above me. It was INSTANT connection. Like from the first second. We were hooked. What a week! This was 9 months ago. We are both married. Me for 10 yrs with a 6 year old. Him for 2 with a 1 year old and a 7 year old from previous relationship. I'm 45 and he's 38. My husband is 48 and his wife is 33 Big age differences all over the board.

 

Sex is amazing-- even from day 1. Chemistry like fireworks and it keeps getting better instead of fizzling out. We never run out of things to talk about and have this trust and understanding that's just crazy. (I know, common, right!$

 

About 3-4 months in he told me he was interviewing for a job in my city. He left his job at our company and not only moved to my city but to my suburb where I live. He never came out and said he moved here to be closer to me but made many comments about how he couldn't wait to be closer etc. I would never go so bold as to assume it was because of me?!?!?

 

Any who, he came here about 7 weeks ahead of his wife and it was great but hard. Spending so much time together made it very hard to transition when she did moved here. In fact, right after she arrived I broke it off because I just felt like everything was too close and I felt smothered. The break up lasted 8 days.

 

My marriage is very dead and has been for a long time. My husband has not worked in years and is very apathetic about our relationship and gives zero effort. I don't want to end things because I want my daughter to be a little older before I share her with other household. Weird thing my husband and I now get along GREAT. We rarely argue. Very few conflicts compared to before the A. He doesn't know. He would FREAK and leave me.

 

His marriage, though new, is very much the same. His wife rarely will have sex... They will go months, she doesn't take care of herself-- she's fit and all, but never grooms (gets hair done, nails, wax. Makeup, Eyebrows etc-- like nothing. Ever). She's a highly paid professional. So it's not about money. She also is apathetic about the marriage and makes no attempts to strengthen it even after he's tried to get her to counseling and flat out told her what he needs. She feels nothing is wrong and "that's just his married people get" He's like me though and doesn't want to leave his young son.

 

About a month ago he broke things off with me out of the blue. Same reasons I gave him back in Dec. so I TOTALLY get it!!! I accepted what he said and had no contact for about 6 days and he texted and asked to meet. Said he can't imagine life without me and thought he could do it but can't. I was so relieved. And disappointed at the same time because him ending it made it easy.

 

It seems like each attempt at breakup just made us stronger. He has since told me he loves me. We have no expectations of each other for the future. And I guess our plan is to continue as is. It feels like we have it figured out and most of the time is just seems such a natural and normal part of my daily life.

 

But then there are times when I feel soooo down. And he said he feels the same way. Mostly on the weekends when we are each with our spouses and constantly texting each other. Wanting to be together. And not where we are. Longing to have our kids meet and play (which we won't do) and do things as a family.

 

For each "high" there seems to be an equal "low" is it worth it? Where can this really go? I know I'm not willing to leave right now. And I'm pretty sure he won't either.

 

Not sure what I'm even asking. Maybe just venting?!?!?!? Wondering if anyone else is feeling the same. !

 

Men don't like makeup, they think women hide their true appearance behind it. Men care about body shapes (even though those can be cosmetically enhanced) and other things that "appear" more "stable", shape of facial features, length of hair, body hair removal, dressing sexy, weight, height,.... but not something that can be washed off or hide your "true" appearance.

 

So if this guy actually said he is upset about his wife's nail and makeup routine, it's probably is just a line he is feeding you. Women think makeup equals beauty, not men.