Is it wrong or 'jerk-ish' of me to ask my girlfriend for a pre-nup if we got married?

[elaine567]

I think two people on this forum have made excellent points -- a pre-nup is a form of insurance, and it's easier to make a contract like this when you love one another.

 

Yes it is an insurance, but when she has nothing to lose then what is the point of getting insurance? She will do very well under a 50/50 rule, not so well if he can keep his pot of gold safe via a pre-nup.

He is looking out for his future, as I guess is she.

[ironpony]

That's true, maybe there is no point for her to get insurance. Is their a point for me to get it though?

[elaine567]

That's true, maybe there is no point for her to get insurance. Is their a point for me to get it though?

 

That is why you need to get yourself down to a lawyer and find out exactly what a prenup can and cannot do.

Laws may differ depending on where you live, YOU need to be clear in your mind what you are fighting for here.

For instance some States dictate that the prenup is only active until the first child is born.

[Keats]

Your willing to compromise a relationship for a prenup you don't really know anything about.

 

Which is shocking.

 

Go visit a lawyer asap.

 

Find out what this prenup is about.

 

Educate yourself first. Then educate her.

 

But really you seem as clueless about it as she is.

[ironpony]

But if I told her I was going to see a lawyer to see what my options are, me merely telling her i was going to see one about it, will compromise the relationship, wouldn't it?

[CarrieT]

But if I told her I was going to see a lawyer to see what my options are, me merely telling her i was going to see one about it, will compromise the relationship, wouldn't it?

 

My friend, the relationship *IS* compromised. You already know it is.

 

The bottom of the line is: Do you want to protect your future and your potential assets or just hope this relationship works out and that you might lose precious future assets in the process?

[Keats]

But if I told her I was going to see a lawyer to see what my options are, me merely telling her i was going to see one about it, will compromise the relationship, wouldn't it?

 

Yes your right merely telling her about it - has compromised the relationship already.

 

It is only worth visiting a lawyer to find out what's it about. So that if it is worthless having a prenup you don't have to ask for one anymore.

 

But yes if she is hurt and leaving you over the mention of a prenup. You visiting a lawyer may be too much for her. I suspect it would be too much for her.

 

Can you bear living with someone so - rigid and kinda extreme?

 

I get how she feels. She is justified. But she's taking it a bit too far.

 

I wouldn't be able to live with her if I was you. The behaviour is a bit manipulative.

 

But no ones perfect. Were all capable of manipulation. It's up to you.

 

Is she worth it?

[ironpony]

Okay, I will just tell her that I still want a pre-nup and am going to lawyer to find out what the laws and options are, and she should come. Then we will see what she says, if that's fair. As far as if it's worth it, I guess this has been the only problem so far, when everything thing else has been really good, and I guess I tend to choose several pros, over one con. I guess I see everyone I know with just as good of relationships, and I feel that compromise is normal.

[rester]

Maybe this has already been discussed, but why are the only options 1: pre-nup or 2: nothing?

 

Why not go to an attorney with the goal of protecting your assets without a pre-nup?

[BlueIris]

Okay, I will just tell her that I still want a pre-nup and am going to lawyer to find out what the laws and options are, and she should come. Then we will see what she says, if that's fair. As far as if it's worth it, I guess this has been the only problem so far, when everything thing else has been really good, and I guess I tend to choose several pros, over one con. I guess I see everyone I know with just as good of relationships, and I feel that compromise is normal.

 

No. She does not come with you.

 

You go to the lawyer alone and get advice for yourself from your own lawyer.

 

The lawyer tells you what a prenup can cover by law in your state and what things you might be able to include because they are enforceable in certain circumstances.

 

The lawyer can NOT participate in persuading her or soothing her. If a lawyer did assist you in that, it could cause the prenup to not be enforceable. The lawyer should not do anything that could be seen as a conflict of interest or coercion.

[CarrieT]

What Blue Iris said.

 

She gets her own lawyer to represent her interests. If she has concerns, let her lawyer persuade her. That is not your job, nor your lawyer's...

[elaine567]

The problem here is that she doesn't need a lawyer as SHE doesn't want the prenup, it is only Ironpony that needs and wants the pre-nup.

But Ironpony doesn't yet know what a prenup can or cannot do for him, so it would be silly to break up over something he may not need or want in the first place, once he finds out about it.

There may also be other ways he can keep his money out of the marriage.

[CarrieT]

I disagree. The whole reason the OP wanted to take her along was so she would be apprised of the options. Unless she hears from someone other than the OP the benefits of a pre-nup, she will continue to be against them.

 

All this could only happen if she sees a different lawyer than the OP.

[whichwayisup]

You keep going in circles. Make a final decision once and for all and stick to it. GO TALK TO HER, have a real heart to heart honest conversation about everything and go from there. Continuing to post about lawyers and what if this and what if I say that to her is going no where. You're in the same spot, indecision, as you were when you first posted.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Yes I wanted to take her to keep her aprised of the options. But this is just a free lawyer consultation, we would be going to. I thought she could come to that to keep her aprised, since it's not an actual prenup negotiation yet, just a free consultation.

[d0nnivain]

Okay thanks. Yes I wanted to take her to keep her aprised of the options. But this is just a free lawyer consultation, we would be going to. I thought she could come to that to keep her aprised, since it's not an actual prenup negotiation yet, just a free consultation.

 

 

If you both go to the consultation the lawyer wrongfully enters into an attorney client relationship with you both. That lawyer would then be ethically precluded from representing one of you individually. So you just wasted everybody's time.

 

 

However, if it educates your GF that you are not trying to screw her over, it's probably time well spent.

[ironpony]

Yeah I just wanted to show her that I am not trying to screw her over. Okay, if we both have to see different lawyers for free consultation, how do I tell her that I am going to see my own, and she cannot come, and will have to get her own... in a way that makes the pre-nup idea sound good, since I am telling her to deal with a lawyer, without me?

[d0nnivain]

You don't tell her yet. You go see the lawyer. You educate yourself. Once you actually know what you are talking about, then you speak to her, assuming you decide you still want / need one. They aren't inexpensive.

 

Once the draft exists, you talk to her again. You give her the draft and then you send her to her own lawyer for purposes of beginning the negotiations. If she reads it & there is anything (other than the whole concept) she hates on spec, then you can talk about it to each other so you know where to anticipate the changes.

 

When DH & I did ours the one thing I was inflexible about was my dog. He was mine before I met DH & I he would be mine if we divorced. Everything else I was willing to talk about. So you also have to know where your limits lie.

[Miss Peach]

Yeah I just wanted to show her that I am not trying to screw her over. Okay, if we both have to see different lawyers for free consultation, how do I tell her that I am going to see my own, and she cannot come, and will have to get her own... in a way that makes the pre-nup idea sound good, since I am telling her to deal with a lawyer, without me?

 

I would consider just keeping the consultation. I did this in my divorce. We had a neutral lawyer hired by both of us write up the agreement. He talked to us about different things to put in the agreement, what the law said, what was fair, etc. We talked about it and came to an outline. Handed it back to the neutral attorney to draft up.

 

Then we each got our own lawyers to review it and offer feedback.

Edited May 4, 2016 by Miss Peach

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. But I thought a lawyer could not be neutral to two people. Or if they can, than I can bring it up to her, to go together.

 

Well I will look up some lawyers on my day off and see if I can find a free consultation.

[clia]

Okay thanks. But I thought a lawyer could not be neutral to two people. Or if they can, than I can bring it up to her, to go together.

 

Well I will look up some lawyers on my day off and see if I can find a free consultation.

 

You should go on your own first to speak to the lawyer to make sure it's even worth opening this can of worms. There's no reason to even bring her into the process until you know it's something you need to pursue and intend to pursue. You need the freedom to ask the lawyer any question you want to ask without her sitting right there.

[Art_Critic]

You need the freedom to ask the lawyer any question you want to ask without her sitting right there.

 

Which is the exact reason both people should be represented by different counsel.

I know in many states it is a requirement.

 

One attorney can't have both parties interests covered at the same time the other party should have their interests looked after and can be discussed without the other in the room too..

[elaine567]

"Take The Prenuptial Agreement Questionnaire

 

• Do you own real estate?
  
• Aside from real estate, do you have more than $50,000 in assets?
  
• Do you earn more than $100,000 a year in earned income?
  
• Do you own any part of a business?
  
• Do you have more than one year's worth of retirement benefits?
  
• Do you have employment benefits such as stock options or profit sharing?
  
• Do you or your partner plan to go to school for an advanced degree, while the other works?
  
• Does a part of your estate name beneficiaries or heirs other than your partner?
  

If you or your partner answered yes to one or more of these questions a prenuptial agreement is in your best interest. If you answered no to all of them, a prenup is probably not needed, but could still be used to protect your current or future assets.

- See more at: How to Determine if a Prenuptial Agreement is Right for You - FindLaw"

[ironpony]

For the second question, what would count as an 'asset' in this legal context?

[d0nnivain]

For the second question, what would count as an 'asset' in this legal context?

 

Assets are things you can sell for money -- a car; a boat; expensive equipment or tools; a valuable collection of something; antiques; a first edition signed book etc.

 

Yes, I realize anybody can have a garage sale but that's not what we're talking about.

 

Think about things that you could use as collateral for a loan if you went to a bank.