Is it wrong or 'jerk-ish' of me to ask my girlfriend for a pre-nup if we got married?

[Miss Peach]

Okay thanks. But I thought a lawyer could not be neutral to two people. Or if they can, than I can bring it up to her, to go together.

 

Well I will look up some lawyers on my day off and see if I can find a free consultation.

 

You can both retain the same lawyer to write up the agreement. I did this with my divorce agreement. The thing is they represent you both and cannot provide advice specific to you alone. Mine talked more about what the law says, what is common to put in the agreement, etc. This was great for me to get general information or to get opinions as to whether the law considered things as separate or marital property, etc. He couldn't offer much advice specific to my individual interests. CH and I were able to take his suggestions and craft 95%+ of what we wanted on our own. Then he handed the bullet points back for him to write up.

 

BUT you cannot have one person represent both of you in most cases. So once the agreement is drafted you would still need to get your own attorneys. Then your individual attorneys will negotiate changes and the neutral attorneys will incorporate the ones you both agree to.

 

Many people choose not to do it this way because you wind up paying for 3 retainers but it worked well for my situation so I thought I would mention it as an option. It might be more comforting to your GF too because she can hear about it with you from someone in authority on the matter rather than from you.

[elaine567]

Assets are things you can sell for money -- a car; a boat; expensive equipment or tools; a valuable collection of something; antiques; a first edition signed book etc.

 

Yes, I realize anybody can have a garage sale but that's not what we're talking about.

 

Think about things that you could use as collateral for a loan if you went to a bank.

 

...and cash itself is also considered an asset.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well I cannot find a lawyer that is will to give FREE consultation, and for the ones I have contacted to so far, making an appointment to go over everything can be quite pricey. Am I looking in the wrong places, or something?

[elaine567]

Okay thanks. Well I cannot find a lawyer that is will to give FREE consultation, and for the ones I have contacted to so far, making an appointment to go over everything can be quite pricey. Am I looking in the wrong places, or something?

 

Are you not the man with oodles of cash?

Why wouldn't a lawyer be pricey?

[carhill]

OP, though I don't need one and would use my own firm in any event, I used LawInfo and found a couple of local attorneys who advertise prenups amongst their services and offer free consultations. Took about 45 seconds. If I called them to set up an appointment, that would take a few minutes.

 

Figuring the average attorney runs around 300 an hour, a half hour consultation, which you can get a lot done in, would run 150 bucks. Is a prenup that would likely run into the mid four figures, or more, worth 150 bucks? You decide. If not worth the investment, then let it go and move on. There are other ways to handle asset protection and allocation and, yup, those cost money too.

[ironpony]

I am willing to pay, as long as it's the right way to go about it, but I have never done this before, so not sure if I should make an appointment or talk through email, or what the best thing to do is.

 

LawInfo, is American law only though, and I live in Canada. I typed in my city, which it asks to, and no lawyers came up. I sent a couple of law firms, emails so far, but not sure if that is the right way to go about it either.

[rester]

Call them and tell them what you want to discuss. They are not going to respond quickly to an email.

 

I recently spoke to an attorney for something unrelated to prenups, and I was given a quote of a half-price consultation hour, which would have been about $150 for the consultation hour.

 

I didn't end up needing them, but that half-price first hour would have been worth it, if I did.

[elaine567]

This has been weeks now, are you still in contact with this woman?

[Miss Peach]

I didn't go for a prenup but all the family law attorneys in my area did free consultations. I agree you'll want to call. IME lawyers are typically very slow to respond via email.

[d0nnivain]

Okay thanks. Well I cannot find a lawyer that is will to give FREE consultation, and for the ones I have contacted to so far, making an appointment to go over everything can be quite pricey. Am I looking in the wrong places, or something?

 

I am willing to pay, as long as it's the right way to go about it, but I have never done this before, so not sure if I should make an appointment or talk through email, or what the best thing to do is.

 

LawInfo, is American law only though, and I live in Canada. I typed in my city, which it asks to, and no lawyers came up. I sent a couple of law firms, emails so far, but not sure if that is the right way to go about it either.

 

 

Lawyers have 2 things to sell: their time & their expertise. Expecting a free consultation is you asking for their stock & trade without compensating them. Good family lawyers charge between $300 - $600 per hour & will bill you for every 1/0 of an hour (6 minutes); some bill for every 1/4 hour (15 minutes). In the latter situation at even $350 per hour that 1/4 hour costs you almost $90.

 

Lawyers rarely respond to unsolicited e-mails from non-clients. They don't want anything in writing. Most at best will call you back & offer you a meeting at their hourly rate. Maybe, maybe you will be a phone consultation of 5 minutes but that's about it.

 

You have to see this as an investment. What is the value of what you are trying to protect? Relatively speaking, how much is the pre-nup? I paid a high end lawyer but the relative cost was less than 1% if what I was protecting. IMO it was a sound investment.

 

However paying $5,000+ to protect $200,000 that's up to you about whether it's worth it. The prenup is insurance & the attorney's fees are the premiums.

[bathtub-row]

This has been weeks now, are you still in contact with this woman?

 

I'm wondering the same thing. The deadline has come and gone.

[ironpony]

Well I haven't had much time to go over it with my gf since I work a lot, during when the lawyers are available. It's my fault, I will book some time off, when I get an appointment.

 

However, I feel I should come up with a prenup discussion with my gf first perhaps, before paying a lawyer for an appointment.

 

If I go behind her back and see what my options are, just see if it's worth bringing up to her, I just have to pay for another lawyer appointment later.

[whichwayisup]

Okay thanks. Well I cannot find a lawyer that is will to give FREE consultation, and for the ones I have contacted to so far, making an appointment to go over everything can be quite pricey. Am I looking in the wrong places, or something?

 

Lawyers aren't free. Not sure why you'd expect not to pay?

 

Ask your friends and family, maybe they know someone who can not charge you so much.

[CarrieT]

If I go behind her back and see what my options are, just see if it's worth bringing up to her, I just have to pay for another lawyer appointment later.

Seeing what your options are is NOT going behind her back. It is becoming educated on the subject...

 

And when/if you start the process, you will have to pay regardless. Usually you will pay for a consultation and then for edits. You start with a retainer and they chip away from there.

[ironpony]

Oh it was suggested on here before that I get free consultation. So I was going by that. But yes, I can pay for an appointment, that's fine.

 

Someone told me you don't need a lawyer and that you draft up the prenup yourself, sign your names and then have a notary public, sign and confirm it, and then you are good to go. But is that true?

 

Well I was able to get her to still date me and and that deadline is not a matter now. I was thinking of what some others on here said that, maybe there may be other possible red flags to worry about.

 

She asked me to discuss the budget of the wedding. So we talked about it, and she suggested that she will pay half, but see if she can get a loan from the bank, because she does not have a lot of money. I suggested that instead of doing that, and owing the bank money, why don't I just pay for the wedding now, and she can pay me back later. She seemed to have gotten turned off by this and said that it's embarrassing to have to pay a husband back. But I figured it was better than paying a bank back, or getting a loan she will probably not be able to get, I am guessing.

 

Was I being cheap for saying that? It was just a spur the moment suggestion, since she brought up paying back a loan, as an idea, so I was being cheap in that hasty suggestion?

Edited May 11, 2016 by ironpony

[Miss Clavel]

Oh it was suggested on here before that I get free consultation. So I was going by that. But yes, I can pay for an appointment, that's fine.

 

Someone told me you don't need a lawyer and that you draft up the prenup yourself, sign your names and then have a notary public, sign and confirm it, and then you are good to go. But is that true?

 

Well I was able to get her to still date me and and that deadline is not a matter now. I was thinking of what some others on here said that, maybe there may be other possible red flags to worry about.

 

She asked me to discuss the budget of the wedding. So we talked about it, and she suggested that she will pay half, but see if she can get a loan from the bank, because she does not have a lot of money. I suggested that instead of doing that, and owing the bank money, why don't I just pay for the wedding now, and she can pay me back later. She seemed to have gotten turned off by this and said that it's embarrassing to have to pay a husband back. But I figured it was better than paying a bank back, or getting a loan she will probably not be able to get, I am guessing.

 

Was I being cheap for saying that? It was just a spur the moment suggestion, since she brought up paying back a loan, as an idea, so I was being cheap in that hasty suggestion?

 

no, you can not do it yourself. some lawyers even record the reading and signing of the prenup so the neither party can claim the did not understand what they were signing or that the other party "forced" them to sign because they weren't feeling well or didn't have their glasses on or they were afraid not to sign.

 

you do realize that in the wedding they are going to ask you to make a "vow". one that usually includes, "thereto i plight thee my trough".

 

look it up.

 

you can "set aside" whatever is yours before you marry but you will have to share whatever you made during the marriage. that is reasonable. if she seems financially irresponsible maybe it's because no one ever showed her how to pay attention to money. hell, i've got a friend that i had to show how to write a check. i've heard mature women that don't even know where their money is and where it goes because their husband "takes care of all that".

 

just approach her in the guise of: "if anything happens to me, this is what we have(not including your set aside share) this where it goes(all the money you owe) and this is why we cannot borrow, from anyone, for the wedding.

 

and, oh hell NO, i'm not paying my groom back for the wedding we both attended!

Edited May 11, 2016 by Miss Clavel

[ironpony]

Yeah, that's true. I shouldn't ask her to pay me back after we are married. If I am paying for the whole wedding, how much of a budget do you think would be fair in this case? If she cannot pay for any of it, I feel I will put in my half and that's it. Is that fair?

[d0nnivain]

Yeah, that's true. I shouldn't ask her to pay me back after we are married. If I am paying for the whole wedding, how much of a budget do you think would be fair in this case? If she cannot pay for any of it, I feel I will put in my half and that's it. Is that fair?

 

 

No. You seem to know the price of everything & the value of nothing. For you to go into this saying you will only pay 1/2 but nothing more makes you seem [selfish]. It will make your case for a prenup even harder because you come across [this way] not merely practical.

 

 

Have the wedding you can both afford.

 

 

You can have a wedding at a JOP for the costs of the license & the gas to get to the courthouse or you can spend hundreds of thousands of dollars. It all depends on what kind of wedding you want.

 

 

You need to do a LOT of research together to answer any Questions about the costs of a wedding. Are you OK with a hall? If you want the ballroom at the nicest hotel in town on Saturday night in a HCOL city you can expect to pay at least $150+ per person for the dinner if not more. Gowns run into the thousands. Tux rentals aren't cheap. You need flowers & centerpieces. The photographer will costs another few thousand dollars. Do you want a DJ or a live band? Even the invitations & postage add up. Don't forget the rehearsal dinner & gifts for your attendance, not to mention the HM

 

 

Check out a site called [TheKnot], it's to weddings what LS is to relationships.

Edited May 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up language and remove link to commercial site

[Miss Peach]

Oh it was suggested on here before that I get free consultation. So I was going by that. But yes, I can pay for an appointment, that's fine.

 

This varies by area. In my area the family law attorneys did free consultations for divorces. I don't know their policy for prenups. But even with divorces I have heard there are some variances region to region.

 

Someone told me you don't need a lawyer and that you draft up the prenup yourself, sign your names and then have a notary public, sign and confirm it, and then you are good to go. But is that true?

 

You need a lawyer to draft it up unless you want to fighting later potentially about how a clause reads legally. What you can do is take the areas the lawyer asks you about, discuss them away from the lawyers, and give the lawyer back a consolidated list of points. That way you can minimize the amount of time you need to spend with the lawyer. I did this with my divorce. Then the lawyer will write up the spirit of each point in a way that makes legal sense.

 

She asked me to discuss the budget of the wedding. So we talked about it, and she suggested that she will pay half, but see if she can get a loan from the bank, because she does not have a lot of money. I suggested that instead of doing that, and owing the bank money, why don't I just pay for the wedding now, and she can pay me back later. She seemed to have gotten turned off by this and said that it's embarrassing to have to pay a husband back. But I figured it was better than paying a bank back, or getting a loan she will probably not be able to get, I am guessing.

 

Was I being cheap for saying that? It was just a spur the moment suggestion, since she brought up paying back a loan, as an idea, so I was being cheap in that hasty suggestion?

 

IMO it's never wise to go into debt. If she can't contribute financially then you need to decide if you're comfortable with her contributing other ways. Maybe she can go do all the running around part, make invitations, etc. to keep the costs down and make it so you don't have to take time off work. Think if there is a trade off you are OK with. Also, figure out your budget.

 

FWIW I was on the fence about whether to do the bigger family wedding or elope. I had some pressure from XH's family to do certain things. If I had to do it all over again I would have eloped and had a nicer honeymoon. If I ever get married again I want a small and simple wedding.

 

Yeah, that's true. I shouldn't ask her to pay me back after we are married. If I am paying for the whole wedding, how much of a budget do you think would be fair in this case? If she cannot pay for any of it, I feel I will put in my half and that's it. Is that fair?

 

Do what you feel comfortable affording. Don't feel you have to have a huge, expensive party. If you don't want to do JOP you can find someone to marry or or get ordained pretty reasonably. Do it somewhere special for you two and just take everyone out to a nice dinner. You can also be creative like elope on a cruise ship.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I am going to make an appointment with a lawyer right now. How do I know which lawyer is good and not, since some have more experience than others? Will that matter much on how well the prenup is drafted?

 

Also, if she refuses to sign a pre-nup, even after I have come to her, after speaking to a lawyer with better options and it's either marry her without one, or leave, what would you do in that type of situation?

[GunslingerRoland]

Also, if she refuses to sign a pre-nup, even after I have come to her, after speaking to a lawyer with better options and it's either marry her without one, or leave, what would you do in that type of situation?

 

 

I think it has to be take it or leave it in this case. I'm sorry but it's too important and like I said, if she doesn't even see the importance of this, then I don't think she has a mature enough view of marriage to be entering one. It's not a fairy tale, you don't put on the rings say happily ever after, and never need to worry about anything again.

[Miss Peach]

To know if a lawyer is good you should find referrals. I found mine off of Yelp reviews but I also checked him with some attorneys I knew and he had a good reputation with other lawyers and the courts. You will also get a good sense of him/her when you meet. Part of it is confidence, being treated professionally, etc. During the consultation they should give you an estimate and will ask you to provide a retainer if you choose to use them.

 

As to whether to go through with it or not is she refuses that's a personal call. You need to figure out what your personal dealbreakers are. Having been married and divorced before I wouldn't do it again. I still wish I had one for my marriage even though I came into my marriage with nothing. It would actually be a dealbreaker to me now.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, I will think more about if it's a deal breaker or not. I can ask the law firm to give referrals on their attorneys if that's better, unless they would mind...

[DreamP]

She asked me to discuss the budget of the wedding. So we talked about it, and she suggested that she will pay half, but see if she can get a loan from the bank, because she does not have a lot of money. I suggested that instead of doing that, and owing the bank money, why don't I just pay for the wedding now, and she can pay me back later. She seemed to have gotten turned off by this and said that it's embarrassing to have to pay a husband back. But I figured it was better than paying a bank back, or getting a loan she will probably not be able to get, I am guessing.

 

Was I being cheap for saying that? It was just a spur the moment suggestion, since she brought up paying back a loan, as an idea, so I was being cheap in that hasty suggestion?

 

OMG, you are not ready for marriage. You really have no clue. Sorry to sound so harsh, but I think you need to take some type of workshop about marriage. I know many churches do it. When you get married, her debt becomes your debt. If she borrows money (I am guessing from a loan shark, because banks don't lend money for weddings unless you have collateral and you said your gf only has $50), then you are responsible for that debt as well. If it is a legal debt, and she doesn't pay, it ruins your credit as well.

 

Both of you need serious professional help and I'm not saying this in a condescending way. You need to discuss with a financial adviser and your accountant about these things. They can probably explain it better.

 

Also, if you are "lending" money to your spouse and expecting payment back, you really need to re-examine what you think is marriage.

[ironpony]

Yes you're right, I should believe in marriage that way. You say I am not ready for marriage but is that a bad thing? Should I give up on the best gf I have had, and the one I love, just because of unreadiness? A lot of people, say they lost their best significant other, cause they were not ready.

 

The way I grew up is, if you wait till you are ready, you will miss opportunities. I wasn't ready for high school but still went. Wasn't ready for certain jobs, but still took them. I have been raised to grab the bull by the horns, so to speak, otherwise I miss out on chances of lifetimes.