Is it wrong or 'jerk-ish' of me to ask my girlfriend for a pre-nup if we got married?

[whichwayisup]

No, because the point of the prenup in this case isn't trying to make sure that she doesn't spend too much money in the course of your marriage. It's that in the case things don't work out, you aren't trading your assets for her debt.

 

 

Separate bank accounts keeps the money out of her hands, but it's still legally half hers without the prenup.

 

Yup when you two marry, even with separate bank accounts she's your beneficiary automatically. Only now she can't take money from your account unless you give her permission to (or if she knows your pin number on your card).

[Art_Critic]

Separate accounts is very typical in most marriages. Even couples who have a joint account still have separate accounts as well.

 

My wife and I have joint checking and savings and she has her own separate check and savings as well..

 

I don't but it doesn't matter to me since I do all the bill paying in the household when the bills come due, something I wish my wife did more of.. I wish she was more in charge of the money than she is.. I do all the investments and the like too...

 

All though there legally has to be transparency since I can't sign her name on anything so she knows what is happening also there are things only she can take of like the Trust that is setup in case of my death sorta thing.. I can't be involved in that so she pays for the life insurance thru the trust.

[BlueIris]

Yup when you two marry, even with separate bank accounts she's your beneficiary automatically. Only now she can't take money from your account unless you give her permission to (or if she knows your pin number on your card).

 

That's not true.

 

Plus, her saying that she will not have children is not manipulation. It might be a financial necessity. Depending upon how the prenup is drafted, she might have have to work full time to earn her own money for her own savings and retirement. She might not be able to afford to have children and take a hit to her earning capacity for 20+ years. But that depends upon how the prenup is drafted and negotiated- the necessary first step that was never taken.

Edited May 20, 2016 by BlueIris

[rester]

Well she says she is willing to make other compromises such as separate bank accounts. Just not a prenup. Is that a fair compromise of her?

 

The rest of the relationship is almost always pretty good. Once in a while she says I am too obsessed with money when it comes to certain things. I save up too much and do not go out and spend as much and she says sometimes that I need to loosen up. But other than that, things are really good.

 

She does not use sex as a weapon, and a lot of times I can have my way. She even does lots of favors for me, and helps me out with certain things such as looking for careers and houses, which I like.

 

Maybe the unbiased opinion you are looking for could come from premarital counseling. If the financial situation is the only issue, as you say, it's possible the two of you could come to an agreement through the help of someone that hears both sides of the story. Go in with the goal of getting on the same page together, rather than with the idea that you are right and the other is wrong.

 

If you both want this marriage to happen, you are going to have to come to some sort of compromise on this issue, but as you are both digging your heels into the ground, and you still don't fully understand your options because you haven't discussed them with an attorney, you're stuck.

 

If she's unwilling to get outside help with this issue, I wouldn't move forward with the engagement. Getting married is not going to solve these issues, it will only make them worse, and then you will be tied to each other legally and financially.

[ironpony]

Yup when you two marry, even with separate bank accounts she's your beneficiary automatically. Only now she can't take money from your account unless you give her permission to (or if she knows your pin number on your card).

 

Okay so let's say I get a prenup on the 200k I have now. Then she needs to ask permission. But if I get a separate bank account and it it in there, she still needs to ask permission to though, right?

[CarrieT]

Okay so let's say I get a prenup on the 200k I have now. Then she needs to ask permission. But if I get a separate bank account and it it in there, she still needs to ask permission to though, right?

 

Ask a lawyer.

[ironpony]

I was told by a couple of others that seeing a lawyer is a waste of time cause no lawyer is going to take on a client who only has 200k to protect. That's hardly anything to protect I was told and most lawyers wouldn't even take me on as a client with only that much in case.

 

Is that true though?

[d0nnivain]

The lawyer does not care how much you have to protect. The lawyer cares about whether you can pay the lawyer's fees.

[ironpony]

That's what I would have figured. But I have heard this from others too, telling me that it's not worth getting a prenup unless I am rich, and that I think to highly of myself for thinking that I have a lot to protect.

[d0nnivain]

That's what I would have figured. But I have heard this from others too, telling me that it's not worth getting a prenup unless I am rich, and that I think to highly of myself for thinking that I have a lot to protect.

 

They are jealous. $200k is almost a quarter of a million dollars. That is fairly significant. I would stop talking to these people about your financial situation in such detail though

[ironpony]

Well my gf asked if we could go see a venue for booking a wedding at this wednesday. I told that her that I was scheduled to see a lawyer at the time. She was bothered by this. I told her that even if we don't get a prenup, she said before she was open to other financial options she said such as having separate accounts and funds. I told her I am just going over all of it with a lawyer to see what the financial options are in general.

 

She then acted like she was not okay with this now, even though she said she was willing to have it as a compromise instead of a prenup before.

 

She then was really bothered by this and said that I need to grow a pair of balls, and should have told her I was going to see a lawyer.

 

I told her before that I might see a lawyer next week, but she didn't ask me about it since I made the plan and I didn't tell her. Now that she asked what I was doing that day, I told her and I was honest.

 

I told her that my balls are telling that I should stick the appointment since I made it first, and I will give you other free times next week instead for us to look at venues.

 

She then said that she is no longer going to have sex with me for a long time now. Hmmm... okay???

 

Did I go behind her back or something again by only telling her I might see a lawyer, and not confirming the appointment?

 

A few minutes later she came back and apologized saying she overreacted and that she just wants me to be upfront with her about such appointments and keep me apprised so she is not surprised when she finds out by accident. But she apologized and she was really nice about it a few minutes later.

 

Do you think it's good that she apologized or is there a problem here?

[CarrieT]

She then said that she is no longer going to have sex with me for a long time now. Hmmm... okay???

Why do you want to marry someone who is this vindictive and manipulative?

[ironpony]

She says that she was bothered because I am not keeping her apprised of what I do. But let's say I did that and openly told her I was going to see the lawyer before she asked. If I did say that, she would not respect the fact that I kept her apprised. That would bother her even more of I did, wouldn't it?

[CarrieT]

She says that she was bothered because I am not keeping her apprised of what I do.

So she needs a minute-by-minute accounting of your time?

 

And because of it, she is going to withhold sex?

 

Again, why do you want to marry this woman?

[ironpony]

What about the balls comment, was that out of line?

[CarrieT]

What about the balls comment, was that out of line?

 

You know it is.

 

So I will ask a third time: Why do you want to marry this woman?

[bathtub-row]

This woman comes up with more crap than I've ever heard of. Her balls comment is baloney and she needs to recognize that she has created this monster by being so defensive about the whole issue in the first place. I'm sorry, friend, but I agree with the other poster. I can't figure out why you're persisting in marrying this person. Anyone who ever made the comments she has made to you would be dead in the water as far as I'm concerned. Suicide, no children, no sex. She truly must think you're a fool.

 

I also agree that you totally need to stop telling people about how much money you have. There are plenty of people who would kill for that amount of money. Do not ever let anyone tell you that something you value is not of value. I also believe your gf is very focused on your money, which is why it's such a hot button for her and why she resorts to threats and ultimatums every time this topic comes up. You need to tread very carefully here.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I am very close to breaking it off. It's her birthday tomorrow and I am going to tell her I am not going. I don't think it's worth me buying her a present, doing a family dinner and a night club after that balls comment.

 

I could tell her politely what the problem is, and why I am not going in a text message, then tell her I am not talking to her for a while and turn off my phone, if that's fair enough.

[CarrieT]

I could tell her politely what the problem is, and why I am not going in a text message, then tell her I am not talking to her for a while and turn off my phone, if that's fair enough.

 

Yeah, that is pretty rude and far from fair...

 

Considering you went from appointments to look at wedding venues to TEXTING a breakup and GHOSTING somewhat confirms her balls statement, in my opinion.

You can't just talk to her?

[ironpony]

Okay but people on here are saying that she is being manipulative towards me and I should not be with her. So why should I go to birthday if she is like that towards me?

[CarrieT]

Okay but people on here are saying that she is being manipulative towards me and I should not be with her. So why should I go to birthday if she is like that towards me?

 

I didn't say you should or shouldn't go to her birthday.

 

I'm saying that telling her via text and then ignoring and ghosting her is rude. She may be manipulative, but she deserves some consideration and honesty if you are going to end the relationship.

[ironpony]

If I do communicate with her she will attempt to be manipulative again and keep talking her way back into it.

[CarrieT]

If I do communicate with her she will attempt to be manipulative again and keep talking her way back into it.

 

Only if you let her.

[ironpony]

Okay well in this situation, how can I cut her off from being manipulative without having to be a little mean about it, so she takes it seriously?

[CarrieT]

Okay well in this situation, how I cut her off from being manipulative without having to be a little mean about it, so she takes it seriously?

 

Politely, quietly and firmly state that you two don't believe you can compromise on the prenup situation and that after giving it much thought, you don't believe you can continue the relationship due to the number of differences that have arisen from the conflict. You are sorry for hurting her and wish her the best in her future.